tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78134160336028096012024-03-05T07:05:06.698-08:00Hawsey Ever AfterLearning to truly live while seeking God's own heart and His will. Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-25105165619827868952020-01-28T07:40:00.000-08:002020-01-28T08:44:30.476-08:00"Every adventure requires a first step." - Alice in Wonderland<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-64bcf4c1-7fff-e919-8554-660d6b11be0c"><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In early 2016, Chase had attended a conference for church planters, where he felt God might be calling us to one day plant a church. A life-giving church that would awaken a city that changes the world. It was a God-given dream, but like most dreams, began as a small glimmer of light. We didn’t know where or when, but we started praying for God to lead our family into His will for our life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">That summer while on a Disney Babymoon, and pregnant with our second child, we began sharing with each other how we felt God was calling us to a new adventure. If we only had known the plans God was laying out before us. This was going to be something much bigger than we could have ever imagined. We talked about how the city of Orlando felt like home. It was more than just a vacation spot we enjoyed, it had become a city we loved. Each time we visited, we fell more in love with the city, its people, and its diverse culture. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">The next step in this journey brought us closer to pain, and what felt like further from the dream that we had been given. Upon facing the loss of a child, (for more on this click <a href="https://hawseyeverafter.blogspot.com/2016/08/our-sleeping-beauty-part-1.html"><span style="color: blue;">here</span></a>), we were unsure of what our next step was. We were numb. Broken. We thought the dream we had been given was best left abandoned. But God stepped in and reminded us that this wasn’t just a dream we shared. It was a dream that he had given us, and that he wasn’t finished yet. He made our dream possible in August 2016, when we moved 7 hours away from the small town home we had known most of our lives, to the unfamiliar big city.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the next 3 years, we would continue to serve in full-time ministry. We were happy, content, and living in the faithfulness of God. But it seemed He was leading us to now take a bolder step of faith. He was reigniting the dream of planting a life-giving church. And this time, we knew where and when.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">The dream is not only to plant a church, but to lead a community of people that would unapologetically reach the least, the last, and the lost for Jesus. A community that desires to see the city of Orlando made alive in Christ. A community that desires to see others come to know the hope and love we share. A community that echoes the statements Jesus made in Matthew 25:40. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our desire is to be a church alive to see a city made alive in Christ. Our mission is to lead the least, the last, and the lost into a relationship with Jesus. We long to reach the forgotten and marginalized, the lost and far from God. We’re for the orphan and the widow. We’re for those in prison and the ones no one is reaching. Our heart is for all people. We desire to bring the broken home, give the hurting hope, and cast out a place to belong. All are welcome to come on the journey.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We would love to have you come on board with us through this journey! Whether it is by joining the launch team (click <a href="http://cityalive.church/launch"><span style="color: blue;">here</span></a> to sign up), backing us financially, or committing to circle us in prayer as stated in 1 Timothy 2:1; there are so many ways you can be a part of awakening this city. If you would like more information you can email us at </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u><span style="color: blue;"><a href="mailto:connect@cityalive.church">connect@cityalive.church </a></span></u></span><br />
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-69852424594028582512019-04-20T17:33:00.001-07:002019-04-20T17:33:19.089-07:00The Weight of Easter<span style="font-family: inherit;">My world, my faith, my worship, and how I "celebrate" Holidays have all been different ever since July 4, 2016. Nothing is the same after you experience loss. In one book that I read, the author talked about how it was as if she had lived two different lives. There was life before death and life after death... and that is so, so true. Everything is just different. Christmas and Easter are two of the hardest Holidays for me. And I feel like Easter is often overlooked. </span><br />
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<i style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34); color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We are an altar of broken stones</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">But You delight in the offering</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think we focus so much on the resurrection and Heaven, that its easy to overlook the days leading up to it. The betrayal. The confusion. The loss. The promise. The pain. The weight. The fact that an all powerful God, who created the Heavens and Earth, who can literally do anything, allowed his only Son to suffer immensible</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> pain for you and me. </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">You have the heavens to call Your home</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">But You abide in the song we sing</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jesus, asking his Father if it were possible to take the cup from Him, knowing the weight of the cup he bore, still chose to take it. I don't know about you, but for me, when my kids ask me something 9 times out of 10, I give them what they ask for. If they were asking for me to spare their life in exchange for someone else's... What would you do? </span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ten thousand angels surround Your throne</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">To bring You praise that will never cease</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Even while sitting at the table with the one he knew was ultimately going to hand him a death sentence, still Jesus did not react in any way toward Judas other than in love.</span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But hallelujah from here below</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Is still Your favorite melody</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We sing</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Pilate, finding no fault in Jesus, rather obliging the demands of the people, put Jesus to death while releasing a murder in his place.</span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And should the fire that once burned bright</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Become an ember my eyes can't see</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">He (Jesus) was perfect, blameless, without sin. He was beaten, mocked, and treated as a criminal. He didn't deserve to die, but he did. And he did it for you, for me, and for the people who were demanding his crucifixion. </span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I will remember Your sacrifice</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I will abide in Your love for me</span></span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">Oh, we sing</span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">Hallelujah</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and promise on the cross. He made right every wrong. He saved you and me from death. We can find life and light because of Him. Through Him, we can be different. Through Him, we are no longer bound to sin. We become pure and Holy, because of his flawless life.</span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Jesus Christ our King enthroned</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">All the praise is Yours forevermore</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Before loss, I focused on the resurrection. The Good News. What I like to think of as the happy side of Easter. And Easter is 110% a reason to celebrate. There is so much meaning and power behind Easter. But the new me, sees something that I've never seen before. The pain of the Father. The suffering He endured, knowing that he was offering up his only son to death. I can feel it. I can see it. I know it. But it wasn't for nothing. It was for a purpose. It was for me. It was FOR you. Don't let that suffering, that pain, that perfect life go to waste. How do you choose to live for that gift? How are you making the most of it? </span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah here below</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;">All the praise is Yours forevermore</span></span></i><br />
<i><span jsname="YS01Ge"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now that I've been through the pain and I've seen the other side, it is so good. The sting of death is still present, and always will be, but we now have three miracles that remind us every day of the promises fulfilled. There is a purpose. There is a reason. There is a good God who loved you so much that He gave everything for you. Because of Him, one day you will be made completely whole. You will understand everything. All because of Christ, the cross, and the resurrection. </span><br />
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<a href="https://youtu.be/M7MR77AVBOs">https://youtu.be/M7MR77AVBOs</a></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-112062364882349892018-10-09T09:36:00.000-07:002018-10-09T09:36:19.022-07:00Oh Baby, Baby <br />
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A few weeks ago, Aiden randomly started asking me for a little sister. It started one day on the playground. He came up to me and boldly asked "Mommy, where's my little sister?" I had no clue what to say to him. We've talked to him a little bit about his sisters in heaven, but at three, he doesn't quite understand. He was so young when we lost them that he doesn't remember. I fought back the tears and all I could reply back to him that day was "I don't know." What he didn't know was a shortly before this, I had taken a test. One that could very well, make his wish a reality here on earth.<br />
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Over the years, we have learned to expect the unexpected. You truly never know what tomorrow holds. In August, we were surprised with an unexpected shock. The two blue lines staring back at told us everything we needed to know. We are pregnant, again. The fear and worry instantly gripped me. Asa was only 6 months old; Aiden was just 8 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia. I was told not to get pregnant within 4-6 months, preferably 6, of each pregnancy due to the baby having higher chances of Trisomy 21. I asked Chase the question, "What if Asa was our one and only miracle? What if he's it?" Not in saying that Asa isn't enough, because he is. We are so thankful and blessed by his precious life. I just do not want to face another loss, and the thought of that scares me.<br />
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When we found out, I was already 6 weeks pregnant, which meant we only had to wait 4 more weeks before we could have genetic testing done. I thought this would make the wait easier since it was shorter, but I'm not sure if it did or didn't. With Asa, I had the test and within 3-4 days I had the results. With this pregnancy, I had the test done and it took exactly a week to get the results. It seemed like it took forever before I actually got the call. In my head I had it all planned out all week, what I would do when they called. I would find a quite spot so no matter what the results were I could be alone. It just so happened that they called when we were right in the middle of checking out at Target. Chase and I had talked about it all morning. What if today was the day. I even sat in the car most of the time while we were running errands, just in case. I didn't think it would be while we were in Target. I even made the comment to him before we walked in that my doctor's office was closing in 30 minutes, so I guess it would be next week before we found out anything.<br />
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Since the beginning, Aiden has been adamant, he was having a baby girl. Anytime we talked about it with him or asked him, it was always 'it's a girl.' He was getting a little sister. I asked Chase what was going to happen if he didn't have a little sister, because his little heart was set on a baby girl. When Debbie called to give me the results she said everything came back perfect and within all of the normal ranges. She then asked if I was ready to know the gender. All of the nurses at my Dr's office know our story. They knew what we went through to get Asa here, they know that we have lost two little girls, and they were all shocked that we were back so soon - but they were all SO excited for us. You could hear the joy in her voice when she said "It's a baby girl." I had to keep telling myself to hold it together until we got out of Target, but I could not wait to tell Aiden he was getting his sister.<br />
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Shortly after we had Asa, Chase and I were talking. I told him that I felt like our family wasn't complete. It had nothing to do with the kids we had or didn't have, but I just didn't feel done. We decided we were done for a while. We would revisit the idea later, in the future, when the boys were older. Pregnancy is just so hard for me, and it takes a lot from both of us. We really wanted to just enjoy life, but God had different plans. I never told Chase, but after that talk I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. In the dream, Asa wasn't a baby, but he wasn't very old either. At the time, I just played it off as just a dream because we had been talking about it. Now I look back and think maybe God was just giving me a little bit of peace that it would all be ok.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #444444;">"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. </span></i><i><span style="color: #444444;">Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8</span></i></div>
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So far, everything has gone perfectly. Every doctor's appointment has been meet with peace and encouragement. The fear is still there, especially on ultrasound days, but I know that God is good. He is for me and He is for you. No matter what you're going through, He will meet you there. He's done it again and again for me. In the ugly, in the pain, in the bitterness and jealousy, through it all, He has shown me His love. I am so, so thankful for all 5 of the precious lives I've been able to carry. Each one is an important part of our family and special in their own way, even the ones who didn't get to stay that long. We are too excited for this little girl, and are just so thankful for this precious life we've been given. She's got some pretty great guardian angels looking out for her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet diva girl at 12 weeks 🎀</td></tr>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-17131899343013468852018-05-13T14:54:00.001-07:002018-05-13T15:04:38.168-07:00A Broken Mother's Day <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #444444;">Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. </span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #444444;">"But you, Oh Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high." </span></i><i><span style="color: #444444;">Psalms 3:3 GW</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to experience a Mother's Day surrounded by all of my children. I love and am obsessed with the two sweet boys I have here on earth, but today is also a painful reminder of the two little girls that I gave with to who aren't here. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444;">I feel like today is a day that we as moms, are supposed to be the happiest. Today is all about us. We are just expected to be ok and that's not always the case. Maybe the expectation is just one that we (or I) just put on our(my)self. Sometimes we just need a moment, or twenty, because we are so overcome by emotions or grief. And honestly, that is ok! Honestly, for me, Mother's Day is bittersweet, it'd a day of ups and downs. One moment I am ok and the next I can't stop the tears. I feel so much joy and happiness for the lives I've created, but I also feel immense sadness at the very same time. I held it together most of the morning, but on the way back from lunch I lost it. I couldn't fight back the tears anymore, and I asked myself why do I try? Why do we in general think that it's not ok for people to see our raw, ugly, messy life? Why do we think we have to always have it together? Because honestly, I feel like I never do. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and at some point everyone will experience it. Can you imagine the impact we could all have on each other if we were more open and honest?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444;">I long for the day that my family is together and I can hold my girls again. A mother's love for her child doesn't depend on that child being physically present, it is a love that never dies. This day will be a day that is forever hard for me. There is an emptiness, but we have a hope that rests in Jesus, knowing that one day we will see them again and the emptiness will be filled. I will love and treasure all of my children forever. </span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #444444;">"he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you" </span></i><i><span style="color: #444444;">1 Peter 1:3-4 ESV</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">So today, if you've experienced loss, long to be a mother, or are maybe spending Mother's Day grieving your own mother, we remember you. We are you. We hope you have a Mother's Day that is filled with peace and sweet reminders of those you love. If you know a mother who has experienced loss, reach out to her and show her love today. I promise you, she needs it. </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(153, 0, 0); color: #990000;">💕</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;">Aiden Micah, Olivia Grace, Aila Elizabeth, and Asa Samuel are my everything, and I am so thankful to be their mom. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span>Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-48780457711261238242017-09-29T08:44:00.002-07:002018-05-13T14:24:31.709-07:00A Rainbow of Hope <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">When we decided to "announce" that we were pregnant again, there were so many mixed emotions. When you become pregnant after loss, you face so many fears, emotions, and anxieties</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"> that are almost non-existent if you've never faced this kind of loss. There have been days griped by fear and anxiety where I feel as if I am drowning. This pregnancy has increased my faith and trust in God even further than before. Pregnancy after loss is so scary. There are decisions that I have to make every day. Whether I am going to let the fear of every little pain, cramp, or the future have control of my day. Am I going to give this baby to God and let him have all of the control. All are daily decisions that must be made. There are days that I fail and the worry overtakes me, but there are also good days. Throughout all of this, there has been one scripture that I have turned to and read continuously.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><i>"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. And she vowed a vow and said, 'O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affiliation of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, bit will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.... And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, 'I have asked for him from the Lord.'" 1 Samuel 1</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"> We kept it a secret until we made it to our first appointment and ultrasound. Before going in for our first ultrasound we prayed that they would be able to pick up a heartbeat. Because we were so early, we didn't really expect them to be able to. When we saw the heartbeat, we were surprised, relieved, and grateful. To say we had mixed emotions would be the understatement of the century. So, we began to slowly tell a select few, mainly our parents and close friends.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">Because of my history, the doctors wanted us to have a genetic blood test done at 10 weeks. This test would determine if the baby had the same chromosome abnormality as Aila, if there were any other abnormalities, and we would get a sooner than expected reveal of if it were a boy or a girl. Throughout the pregnancy I've had little milestones set up in my mind. If we make it to this, then this will happen. Getting to 10 weeks was huge for us. In our mind this mark was a big milestone. Once we made it and sent off the blood work, it seemed like forever before we got the results back. My anxiety, worry, fear, and stress levels were so high. The 'what ifs' continued to flood my mind. It seemed like no matter what I did I could not get the thoughts to go away. We were told it could take up to two weeks to get them back. Thankfully, it only took ours a week. When I saw that our nurse was calling, I was NOT expecting her to tell me that the results were in. I remember the phone call so vividly. She said everything came back perfect! There were absolutely no markers, and that we were having a baby boy. And in that moment, there was a new flood of emotions that took the place of the previous ones... peace, relief, and renewed hope that we might actually take this baby home. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">By our next ultrasound I was almost 12 weeks and I was so anxious. It's hard to even describe the fear that I felt on the way to our appointment and the silent chill than ran over me as we waited for the ultrasound tech. We found out that we lost Aila at 13 weeks, but she has stopped growing at 11. Before Chase came to pick us up, I had prepared myself to receive the worst news. When she called us into the room, I literally could not look at the screen. I felt so sick and my heart was beating out of my chest. But the moment I looked at the screen, I knew everything was ok. Our sweet baby boy was so active, with a perfect heartbeat. It was like he knew exactly what we needed to see. Fighting back tears, it was literally one of the best feelings seeing him move around. The tech asked us if we had the genetic testing done and if we knew what we were having. To our surprise he was also acting very much like his big brother, showing us that he was definitely a boy. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">At almost 14 weeks, we met with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors at Winnie Palmer for yet another ultrasound. They were checking the growth and making sure the fluid behind his neck was in normal range. Through all the anxiety we were once again in awe of a very active baby boy. He kept arching his back, kicking his feet, and putting his hand over his face. We were able to see a cute little button nose and all ten fingers and toes. Everything on the ultrasound looked perfect. So perfect, in fact, that the doctor didn't see a need for us to be constantly in their care. Although we are still high risk, we will continue to see our regular OB with hopefully only a few more visits to the MFM doctors. </span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I had to add this one because we said it looks like he's worshipping in the womb. ;-) </td></tr>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">At our 16 week appointment, we didn't have an ultrasound, but we were able to hear our sweet boy's heartbeat. Yet again, everything is still perfect. I've been feeling a few flutters here and there since we were around 14 weeks, but this week I have felt stronger, more definite kicks. This was another big milestone in my mind. I started feeling Aiden and Olivia both at 17 weeks, so I was counting down the days until I could feel the baby moving. It's just a sweet reminder of the life and promise God has given us. </span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlSkn6rBLSd0bCr3vj1is2aIjFxNWG1Rn5N_c0QiCX56wU983Run41IEGRr8maOyNpbscP8RodnAQwJ47TbD4LJfPsjhzA4INU3m4Voittc2izC6rd-Ey6yWmRK2xjtAMEYtcmIberDno/s1600/DSC_0891.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlSkn6rBLSd0bCr3vj1is2aIjFxNWG1Rn5N_c0QiCX56wU983Run41IEGRr8maOyNpbscP8RodnAQwJ47TbD4LJfPsjhzA4INU3m4Voittc2izC6rd-Ey6yWmRK2xjtAMEYtcmIberDno/s320/DSC_0891.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">The day we found out I was pregnant I had a really hard time. Normally the first person I would call would be my best friend Taylor. For those who are not familiar, Taylor went home to be with Jesus on June 1st of this year. We found out I was pregnant on July 3rd of this year. This was the day before Olivia's first birthday and just a month after I lost Taylor. My heart was hurting, but as I began to pray I felt so much hope and comfort. Shortly after we found out, I had a dream. Normally my dreams are nothing more than just my imagination playing itself out in silly ways, but this one was different. In the dream Taylor came up to me. She didn't say anything, but she had a baby with her. In the dream I felt overwhelmed with peace. I had been struggling with whether or not Taylor knew that I was pregnant again and how she won't be with me this time. But after the dream, I knew that not only did she know, but she is with us. It may not be physically, like I want with every part of me, but she is with us.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">We aren't quite halfway there, but we are so excited that everything is going so well. We know that God is faithful and good, and that He is with us. He has given us promises that we hold onto and remind ourselves of almost daily. Our prayer and hope is that this baby is our happy, healthy Rainbow baby. We believe that God's timing is perfect and that He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><i><span style="color: #cc0000;">"but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he has promised." Romans 4:20-21</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "sf optimized" , , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">When we were trying to decide on a name, we wanted something that lived up to the promise that this baby is. We wanted a name that pointed to God and his goodness. After going through several names, we decided on.... </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "sf optimized" , , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">Asa (AYS-a) </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">is Hebrew, and means </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">healer, physician</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">. Samuel is Hebrew and means <i>asked of God; heard by God</i>. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px;">We are so ready for our precious Asa to be here! 💙</span></div>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-59010157623038190082017-06-20T15:21:00.002-07:002017-06-20T17:19:42.078-07:00Our Angel, Taylor <div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I'm sure some of you who know me and have been following, have been waiting on this blog.</i></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here as we wait</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Seek Your face</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Come and make Your throne upon our praise</span></i></span></div>
On Memorial Day, we just happened to be in Greenville, FL, which is about half way between our home now, and where we grew up. We we had just left my Great Uncle's funeral when I got a text asking what was going on with Taylor (my best friend from school). I had no idea what this person was talking about, which immediately made me worry. You see, when I moved to Elba, AL in second grade, Taylor was one of the very first people I met. We immediately clicked and have been almost in-seperable since. She was "my person". She knew EVERYTHING about me. There was nothing that we didn't know about each other. So when I hadn't heard from her, but someone was asking about her, that meant they literally meant something was wrong with Taylor. Not her parents, not her husband, but her. As I'm trying to process and not completely go into freak out mode, I call her phone only this time her mom answered. At that moment they weren't sure exactly what was going on, but they knew it was her liver and she was in an ambulance being transported to UAB. I am so thankful for where we were that day, and that I was able to ride back with my parents to Alabama. My best friend needed me, and I knew I needed her.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here in this place</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Have Your way</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">The moment that we see You, we are changed</span></i></span></div>
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It was a long week, which felt more like a never ending rollercoaster, as we all prayed diligently and tried to fight for Taylor. There were so many ups and downs, but we really thought and believed she was going to pull through. She fought so hard and gave it her very best, but her body was just too tired. On Thursday, we heard the words that no one ever wants to hear about their daughter, wife, niece, cousin, best friend, or loved one. She was gone.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">In wonder and surrender we fall down</span></span></i></div>
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There were several times during the week when I told God the exact words Taylor told me on January 6th... I wish it was me. She doesn't deserve this, and it's just not fair. And it seemed like every time I would say or think that, I would hear Taylor's voice. She was younger than me by almost three months, but she was always trying to protect me, and I have so many stories of her doing just that. She holds a special place in my heart and life, she's always been there for me.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i>Show us Your glory</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i>Show us Your glory</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i>Let every burning heart be holy ground</i></span></div>
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She was one of the very first people I called when I found out I was pregnant all three times. She's the person I would call or text when I was having a bad day or just needed to vent. She was the person I talked to almost all night at Christmas, when I was having a major breakdown because my baby girl wasn't here for her first Christmas. She's the person who I used to ride around town with for hours just to listen to music and do something. She's the person I built snowmen in a foot of snow with, because we didn't know if we would ever see "real" snow. <br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here, not by power</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Not by might</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">But only by the cross we come alive</span></span></i></div>
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We were each other's Maid of Honor. She not only knew, but acknowledged all three of my children, and was their Aunt TayTay. She was there for me and was one of the first people to hold Aiden after he was born. She was the only person, besides family, who came to see us the night we found out we lost Olivia. She is the only person besides my parents and sister who I called to tell we had also lost Aila. And if she didn't have to work and I hadn't told her no, she would have been right by my side then too. She saw and knew me at my worst, and loved me anyway. She was a huge part of my world for over 18 years. We may have been separated by distance, but that never changed our relationship. We were constantly texting or sending snap chats to each other. We often joked that we knew each other better than our spouses knew us. That was just us. We were so much more than just friends, she would often tell me that I was the sister she never had, we just had something special.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here, we're undone</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Overcome</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">By heaven's love revealed before our eyes</span></span></i></div>
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When you face death and loss, you see things differently. In 25 years, death has visited me a lot. I told myself that 2017 was going to be a year of change and new beginning, but a few days in we got hit with more death. You never imagine losing a child or a best friend. Even after losing our girls and getting hit with the most unexpected, I would have never imagined losing Taylor as well. I don't know why it happened, and have often questioned why her. The sting of death never changes, no matter how many times you face it.<br />
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When I was on the way to Birmingham, AL on Tuesday, I was in constant prayer. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that God was in control. I was so anxious to just get there and for her to be ok. I told God over and over how much I needed her in my life, and that she HAD to be ok for me. When I was about 30 minutes outside of Birmingham, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me. In that moment, I felt God saying that Taylor was going to be ok, that He had her, but it was followed by a command. There was something that I had to do, not only for Him, but for Taylor. In my human mind I thought that meant that Taylor was going to be healed, that she would literally be ok. As things progressed, and she started declining, I felt God reminding me of what He had spoken to me. It wasn't until after she passed that I really understood what my mission was.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">In wonder and surrender we fall down</span></i></span></div>
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Had we not gone through what we went through almost exactly a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this thing that God was leading me to do. I wouldn't have had the courage to pray out loud in the Chapel and plead for Taylor's life with her family. I wouldn't have had the strength to pray the prayers I knew needed to be prayed in those delicate moments. I wouldn't have understood it.<br />
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<i style="color: #990000;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Let every burning heart be holy ground</span></i></div>
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On the way home, we were mostly quiet, but I told Chase what God told me. I then told Him something I never thought I would say... "What if this is the reason and purpose for Olivia and Aila's life?" Without them, I would not have gotten it. I would have missed what God was saying and I would have missed my purpose for this moment. This is the same thing he said to me earlier this year, when we visited friends who had just lost their son, but I didn't want to hear it then. I needed to see and come to this realization on my own. Their life is my ministry and it has a purpose.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Chains fall</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Fear bow</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here, now</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Jesus, you change everything</span></span></i></div>
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With death comes pain, fear, anxiety, and hurt. It's in these moments that we have a choice to make. I was asked shortly after we found out that Taylor was gone, how I still believe with everything that I've been through and now this. In that moment, I honestly didn't know how to answer. I was blunt. I was honest. I simply said, "I have no choice, but to believe." If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't live with the sting of death without God. I don't understand why this happened, and I don't know when (if) I will. However, I do know that God works for the good of those who love Him. He has a purpose and a reason. We may never understand it on this side of Heaven, and while I'm still learning to be ok with that, I trust Him. We have to make a choice; we can get stuck in the cycle of asking why and questioning God, or we can fix our eyes on Him and allow Him to heal us.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Lives healed</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Hope found</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Here, now</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Jesus, you change everything</span></span></i></div>
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In Matthew 14:22-33, we hear the story of Jesus walking on water, I'm sure we are all familiar with this scripture. The other day, Chase brought a few key points to my attention that I have never paid attention to before.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="verse v28" data-usfm="MAT.14.28" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);">"Peter replied to Him, “Lord, if it is [really] You, command me to come to You on the water.”</span><span class="verse v29" data-usfm="MAT.14.29" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"> He said, </span><span class="wj" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">“Come!”</span></span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"> So Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. </span></span><span class="verse v30" data-usfm="MAT.14.30" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">But when he saw [the effects of] the wind, he was frightened, and he began to sink, and he cried out, “Lord, save me!” </span></span></i></span><span class="verse v31" data-usfm="MAT.14.31" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">Immediately Jesus extended His hand and caught him, saying to him, </span></i></span><span class="wj" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">“O you of little faith, why did you </span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">doubt?" </span></i></span></span></span><span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Matthew 14:28-31</i></span></div>
<span class="verse v31" data-usfm="MAT.14.31" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);"><span class="wj" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"><br /></span></i></span></span></span>
<span class="verse v31" data-usfm="MAT.14.31" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);"><span class="wj" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="note f" style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #444444; display: inline; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 18px; position: relative;"><span class=" body" style="background-color: #eeeeee; border-bottom-left-radius: 5px; border-bottom-right-radius: 5px; border-top-left-radius: 5px; border-top-right-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(221 , 221 , 221); box-shadow: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.0980392) 1px 1px 4px 1px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #777777; display: inline-block; font-size: 14px; left: 5px; line-height: 22px; opacity: 0; padding: 5px 10px; position: absolute; text-indent: 0px; top: 17px; transform: scaley(0.85); transition: 0.5s cubic-bezier(0.42 , 1 , 0.16 , 0.93) , 0.5s cubic-bezier(0.42 , 1 , 0.16 , 0.93); width: 200px;"><span class="ft" style="box-sizing: inherit;">I.e. allow yourself to be drawn in two direction</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-size: 18px; text-indent: 18px;">doubt?”</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="verse v31" data-usfm="MAT.14.31" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-family: "arial"; text-indent: 18px; transition: 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42 , 1 , 0.16 , 0.93);"><span class="wj" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="note f" style="box-sizing: inherit; color: #444444; display: inline; font-size: 18px; position: relative;"><span class=" body" style="background-color: #eeeeee; border-bottom-left-radius: 5px; border-bottom-right-radius: 5px; border-top-left-radius: 5px; border-top-right-radius: 5px; border: 1px solid rgb(221 , 221 , 221); box-shadow: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.0980392) 1px 1px 4px 1px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #777777; display: inline-block; font-size: 14px; left: 5px; line-height: 22px; opacity: 0; padding: 5px 10px; position: absolute; text-indent: 0px; top: 17px; transform: scaley(0.85); transition: 0.5s cubic-bezier(0.42 , 1 , 0.16 , 0.93) , 0.5s cubic-bezier(0.42 , 1 , 0.16 , 0.93); width: 200px;"><span class="ft" style="box-sizing: inherit;">I.e. allow yourself to be drawn in two direction</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #cc0000; font-size: 18px; text-indent: 18px;">doubt?”</span></span></span></span></span><br />
We often think that doubt was the reason Peter began to sink. Actually, it was when he began to take his eyes off of Jesus. When I take my focus off of the "story" and focus on the details, I feel like this scripture is talking about me... It's when I take my eyes off of Him that I feel like I am drowning in pain and fear. It's in those days that I feel like my world is crumbling around me. All I need in those moments is to fix my eyes on Jesus.<br />
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<i style="color: #cc0000; text-align: justify;"><span class="verse v28" data-usfm="MAT.14.28" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 18px; transition: background-color 0.75s cubic-bezier(0.42, 1, 0.16, 0.93);">"Be still and know (recognize, understand) that I am God." Psalm 46:10</span></i><br />
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If we want to know that He is God in our lives, we must let go of everything else we are holding onto and place our focus on Him. This has been and is one of my biggest struggles; just letting go of the anxiety, the fear, the pain, the control, and letting Him take over. God intends to reveal Himself as a good Father and draw us to Him, in the midst of our brokenness. We have to be willing to give it to Him and meet Him there, in our messy, broken life. Often times we (especially myself) try to be everything we can to avoid the pain and suffering in our lives. We pretend to be ok and fake it, but in the pain there is a sweet, unexplainable encounter with God that is ONLY found in the suffering and pain. Be brave and confident in exposing <u>all</u> to God. He is ready to help you through.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; text-indent: 18px;">"It is the L</span><span class="sc" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-indent: 18px;">ord</span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; text-indent: 18px;"> who goes before you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8</span></i></span></div>
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Christ has '<i>gone before us</i>' which means that He has already worked out the end of your story, and it has a good ending! The pain is not the end. There is always victory on the other side if you walk through it with Him.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">"Cause me to hear your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift up my should to you... in you I take shelter." Psalm 143:8-9</span></i></div>
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I have kept coming back to this scripture for a little over a week now. Every time I open my bible, I read it. God has been using it as a tool to speak to me, and to bring my focus and attention back to him. Although it says '<i>morning</i>' every time I read it, I read it as '<i>mourning</i>'. So what is it saying? The term <u><i>Cause me</i></u> means to not only externally make me see, but also to reveal it internally by the Spirit; to feel and perceive it, to have a sensible experience of it. <i><u>Lovingkindness</u></i> means tenderness, goodness, mercy. <u><i>In the morning</i></u> means speedily, quickly. I have been reading and praying this over my life since I read it a few days ago, that I would be able to see and feel God's goodness in the mourning. That He would just reveal Himself to me, to Taylor's parents, to her husband, and to all of her family. That His goodness would bring comfort and healing to us all.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz8MQ8PreLIByDEFZ5NcfDE6l70RE-erP_ZSaMVjQ4LLxd-1OeFce-LVRA9aatKkcgiWhZAfU4b8MEuapdU2U7OFHk87LbTPsmRrYSmd6eXdLpVjdNGmtBw_ieWwyYM1_OjK6-2Mh64sE/s1600/IMG_1363.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz8MQ8PreLIByDEFZ5NcfDE6l70RE-erP_ZSaMVjQ4LLxd-1OeFce-LVRA9aatKkcgiWhZAfU4b8MEuapdU2U7OFHk87LbTPsmRrYSmd6eXdLpVjdNGmtBw_ieWwyYM1_OjK6-2Mh64sE/s320/IMG_1363.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<i style="color: #990000;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">In wonder and surrender we fall down</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Show us Your glory</span><br style="text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Let every burning heart be holy ground</span></i></div>
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I know without any questions asked, that one of the first things Taylor did was grab our precious angels. I can just imagine her holding and loving them both for me. One day we will all be reunited, and what a wonderful day that will be! 💕<br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><a href="https://youtu.be/xU771D5AYWE">https://youtu.be/xU771D5AYWE</a></span><br />
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We are raising money to start scholarship in honor of Taylor's life and legacy. If you feel led to give and help us reach our goal, I have included the link. If you scroll down to Coffee County, you will see the link for the Taylor Creel Stinson Scholarship.<br />
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<a href="https://alumni.ua.edu/%E2%80%A6/contribute-to-alumni-chapter-schol%E2%80%A6/"><span style="color: #660000;">https://alumni.ua.edu/…/contribute-to-alumni-chapter-schol…/</span></a><br />
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<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-37616091120531809702017-04-03T07:58:00.000-07:002017-04-03T08:00:52.763-07:00Our Sleeping Beauties... Part 3<div style="text-align: right;">
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-indent: 19px;"> 13 weeks. It may not seem like a long time, but for someone who is counting down the days until their baby is "safe," it feels like a lifetime. The chances of a miscarriage are higher in the earlier weeks of pregnancy. After 8 weeks, usually when a heart beat can be picked up on an ultrasound, the chance of a miscarriage is only 3%. Each week that passes, the risk gets lower and lower. We thought we had made it past the first step when we entered the ultrasound room on January 5th. Instead, we found our hearts once again broken and in pieces. We just did not understand.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">We did everything we could to keep this baby safe. We went through 53 shots, several vials of blood, and countless </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">bruises to prevent another loss. So why did this happen again? </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">After almost 3 months, we finally got our answer. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGm8FLtAsJMWr2-WupKxSNXau1ZOY4a6gX4Hl0IfxC7u7zpiK_ndgXccr-L1NwDrNitx6ldn5fxaaFaZ-25hC5Nzy4gYpicOubBnhHnbZwqwhB6CiGsExxB65GwBkHh0a1QkUaAvUP_o/s1600/IMG_0717.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGm8FLtAsJMWr2-WupKxSNXau1ZOY4a6gX4Hl0IfxC7u7zpiK_ndgXccr-L1NwDrNitx6ldn5fxaaFaZ-25hC5Nzy4gYpicOubBnhHnbZwqwhB6CiGsExxB65GwBkHh0a1QkUaAvUP_o/s320/IMG_0717.JPG" width="205" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Aila Elizabeth Hawsey was born on January 7th, 2017. This world was just too much for her precious little body. She had a form of Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, but because of her specific genetic anomaly, it was not survivable. On Aila's DNA, the extra chromosome was not carried over </span>completely<span style="font-family: inherit;">, causing her body to stop developing. If the chromosome would have been carried over completely and had been "across the board" on the 21st chromosome, she could have possibly survived. However, in a Down Syndrome pregnancy, only 50% make it to the 2nd trimester. Only 50% of those who make it that far will actually make it to full-term. Out of 10 women carrying Down Syndrome babies, only 3 would make it to delivery. This statistic is absolutely heart-breaking to me. After speaking with the genetic counselor for a few minutes she assured us that t</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">he chances of this </span>reoccurring<span style="font-family: inherit;"> in a future pregnancy are 1%. Our chances are not any more increased than someone who has had no losses. The two pregnancies were completely and totally unrelated, and there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. Through all of it we finally feel at peace and have closure. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjFiGBkinmqGhMlFcp-DpjSZo53omyCzRG3pNuD0emEIIydPLky0oQ63T6BWADqS7TSs_Pf4yM-EdHBinNNeeXiZvklm9Kk2_TFNwJ2w-EFlmsSG4qdIGlkqoAneadwBo5GQq-_bjtBjY/s1600/IMG_0796.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjFiGBkinmqGhMlFcp-DpjSZo53omyCzRG3pNuD0emEIIydPLky0oQ63T6BWADqS7TSs_Pf4yM-EdHBinNNeeXiZvklm9Kk2_TFNwJ2w-EFlmsSG4qdIGlkqoAneadwBo5GQq-_bjtBjY/s1600/IMG_0796.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">9 week ultrasound and heart beat.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Some people have questioned why I would go through the process of giving this baby a name or why I would do that to myself. But I couldn't go on without giving her a name and an identity. She is just as much a part of our family as Aiden and Olivia. We want to be able to call all of our babies by their names, and we want Aiden to know that he has two little sisters in heaven waiting to be reunited with all of us. We wanted a name that held meaning true to who she was to us. </span></div>
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Aila (Ay-lah)<span style="font-family: inherit;"> means "<i>bringer of light</i>"; in the Scottish form in means "<i>from the strong place</i>."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Elizabeth means "<i>oath of God</i>" or "<i>God is abundance</i>." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">From the moment we found out about her, she brought us light. Though she was only here a little while, she was and is a constant reminder of God's promise to us. We know that God is an abundant God and that He will give us the desires of our heart. He is a good Father, even when we don't understand the storms of life, He sends little reminders that He is with us. We know that God holds the future and that future is abundant in the promises He has made us. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbBib15a4p03tcNl-XjD27NU1CMSMAcJF3wzXGyM9UXN2nqbdKTM3z3Nm0vhGmTqvHHKZE8tja2QvbVZdK7SMuRDFgJLT5xZCW5hEENrVqPrVlkO251M4hf-OBCvCvjynYnq6qRHIsWLY/s1600/f9f5cc0c6a806329e28a8d749326d313.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbBib15a4p03tcNl-XjD27NU1CMSMAcJF3wzXGyM9UXN2nqbdKTM3z3Nm0vhGmTqvHHKZE8tja2QvbVZdK7SMuRDFgJLT5xZCW5hEENrVqPrVlkO251M4hf-OBCvCvjynYnq6qRHIsWLY/s320/f9f5cc0c6a806329e28a8d749326d313.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have never viewed Jesus and what He did on the cross, what God did in that moment, and the resurrection like I do now. Everything we have been through in the past 9 months has completely changed everything about me. A few weeks ago, we did a sermon series titled <i>Don't Waste Your Life</i>. One of the messages was titled </span><i>Don't Waist Your Pain. </i>The past few weeks have been extremely hard me, emotionally, physically, mentally.... It's just been exhausting. They have been full of highs and lows. Nevertheless, I keep coming back to this scripture. I feel like I have failed miserable at bringing glory to God. I have let my pain take over and consume me. </div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span class="verse v16" data-usfm="ROM.8.16" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"><span style="background-color: white; text-indent: 19px;"><i><b>"So then, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of [our great] God." </b></i></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span class="verse v16" data-usfm="ROM.8.16" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"><span style="background-color: white; text-indent: 19px;"><i><b>1 Corinthians 10:31 AMP</b></i></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: 0px;">Our world has been turned completely upside down, we have lost two children in 6 short months. Because of that pain we think differently, we see things differently, we take things differently, I over analyze everything, I worry about everything, and we feel the sting of death. We have faced devastation.</span> I wish none of us ever had to experience pain, I know and now see how it molds and shapes us into who we are. Chase and I have talked about how much God has moved in our pain; and without this loss, we wouldn't be where we are today.</div>
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Pain makes us vulnerable, humble, and in need. It brings us to our knees and pulls us in to our loving Savior's arms. It is in this pain we find God's healing and victory. We feel and see the need of a Savior. This pain that we feel is temporary. One day we will be reunited with our precious baby girls, and all of this pain will be worth it. </div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b><span class="verse v16" data-usfm="ROM.8.16" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">"The Spirit Himself testifies </span><span class="it" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">and</span></span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"> confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God. </span></span><span class="verse v17" data-usfm="ROM.8.17" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">And if [we are His] children, [then we are His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His spiritual blessing and inheritance], if indeed we share in His suffering so that we may also share in His glory. </span></span><span class="verse v18" data-usfm="ROM.8.18" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us </span><span class="it" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">and</span></span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"> in us! </span></span><span class="verse v19" data-usfm="ROM.8.19" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">For [even the whole] creation [all nature] waits eagerly for the children of God to be revealed. </span></span><span class="verse v24" data-usfm="ROM.8.24" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 1em;">For in this hope we were saved [by faith]. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he already sees? </span><span class="verse v25" data-usfm="ROM.8.25" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience </span><span class="it" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">and</span></span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"> composure." </span></span></b></i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span class="verse v25" data-usfm="ROM.8.25" style="box-sizing: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"><i><b>2 Corinthians 2:16-19, 24-25 AMP</b></i></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My prayer has always been that through Olivia and Aila's life, that God would be glorified. Through the pain, in the ugly rawness, in the vulnerability, and more so in the grief, He is the only one that matters. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48HzCUwmPu5ZWNiTXkvQDfhkkrCeRiUli2Z3P4cCpjRlfZnhiwOgGu-9ZzJ0Vb8XBMmwr6lLOArRK1-7O76cZmWR171i1pZI0nnYmR1fMBZIamhqpuGOMs2fr8HSIA82yediN5z3dAyg/s1600/IMG_0795.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48HzCUwmPu5ZWNiTXkvQDfhkkrCeRiUli2Z3P4cCpjRlfZnhiwOgGu-9ZzJ0Vb8XBMmwr6lLOArRK1-7O76cZmWR171i1pZI0nnYmR1fMBZIamhqpuGOMs2fr8HSIA82yediN5z3dAyg/s1600/IMG_0795.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">Olivia Grace and Aila Elizabeth</td></tr>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-20432658865518980862017-02-21T12:11:00.001-08:002017-02-21T12:11:07.550-08:00A Year in the Making<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
One year ago today I took a test that changed our life. I remember the day so vividly; it feels like yesterday. </div>
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Chase explained the reasons why I should take a test, and I tried to argue my way out of it even being possible. 1) It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Aiden, (at that point we weren't even sure if we would be able to have kids without medical help). 2) Aiden was 7 days shy of being 8 months old, therefore it wasn't possible. If that wasn't enough to convince me other wise... 3) I was on the pill. I didn't want to believe we were even discussing the possibility. We talked and semi-joked about it, and I finally built up the courage to take the test.</div>
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Unreserved, unrestrained</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="background-color: white;">Your love is wild</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="background-color: white;">Your love is wild for me</span></span></i></div>
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Within a few seconds the result was very clear. We were pregnant, again. In that moment I felt like my heart stopped beating, and I immediately began crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was worried about the comments we would receive because our kids were going to be so close in age. Aiden was still a baby. While we were discussing the possibility and even taking the test, he was in his mamaRoo - if you don't know what that it is, it's basically a <u>baby</u> swing. He had just started really crawling and eating table food the month before, and while I felt like he was slowly getting more independent, he suddenly seemed so little. I felt guilt. It felt like we were forcing Aiden to grow up too quick. I felt like I wasn't going to really get to enjoy him in the baby and toddler stages. You know, the mom guilt that gets you every single time... I had no idea how I was going to be a mom to two under two, when my oldest baby was still a baby.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It isn't shy, it's unashamed</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">Your love is proud</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">To be seen with me</span></span></i></div>
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As we began to talk, Chase kept reassuring me that we would be ok and that we would make it work. We wanted our kids to be close in age, we just didn't expect them to be so close in age, but that was going to be ok. We continued to talk about how we would make it work as we finished getting ready for church. The last thing Chase said to me as he was walking out the door for practice not to call or text anyone. That lasted about one minute.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">You don't give Your heart in pieces</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i>You don't hide Yourself to tease us</i></span></div>
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Usually in times of panic, or trouble, or stress, or just to vent, there are two people I immediately call or text. Since it was like 7 a.m., I text one and called the other. Big sisters have a way of always calming you down and protecting you. That's how my sister has always been for me. When i was younger and terrified of bad weather, I would go to her room and ask to sleep with her. If we were at school and there was a tornado warning, she would come and find me in the hallway. If I was on bed rest, but not ready to bring a baby home, she would come and clean my house for me. She would also end up taking me to the hospital, to ultimately deliver my baby because of pre-eclampsia the very same day. If I needed advise on something that was happening with Aiden, I would call or text her. She was always there for me, helping me, caring for me, and protecting me. She is the only other person, besides my parents and extended family, that had known me my whole entire life.<br />
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<i style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Uncontrolled, uncontained</span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Your love is a fire</span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Burning bright for me</span></i></div>
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When she answered the phone I said the exact same thing I did with every one of our babies... I took a test because I am late, and I'm pregnant. Of course, each time the conversation was a little different. With Aiden, we were both so excited - only a few people knew what was going on behind the scenes and knew that the odds were not in our favor. With Olivia, she told me all the reasons why we would be ok. She explained how much Aiden would grow in 9 months. How it seems impossible right now because he is still a baby, but by then he will be walking and communicating. She calmed me down, and reassured me that all of my fears would work out. And she was right...<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i>It's not just a spark</i></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It's not just a flame</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Your love is a light</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white;"><div style="text-align: center;">
That all the world will see</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white;"><div style="text-align: center;">
All the world will see</div>
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By the end of the day, some of the worries were still there, but I felt reassured in our ability to raise two children. We were new parents, but looking at Aiden made us more confident in ourselves. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">You don't give Your heart in pieces</span></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="color: #990000;">You don't hide Yourself to tease us</span></i></span></div>
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Looking back, I hate that I felt so guilty in the beginning. Knowing the outcome of this pregnancy, I see so many things I didn't see before.<br />
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<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0nnD_6Q7qZGTG5fJvMw71fo_9CyPIwkCmTbuKo4Ut8xPbAr9i_uPuUYEGRGv5bX9WAePix3setw4Mp4KVBHkIwwlayV8ee_tp1QB8JnFjIN0rs1oz8_31A7R3KmBoRkcnjfxxSfvAe-w/s320/7fc12ee7b4c690dec6765f10524f9155.jpg" width="213" /></div>
The worry, the guilt, the fear didn't matter. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about things that I either can't control or should just trust God to work out for my good. I wish I could rewind time and just soak in all of the pregnancy symptoms that so many (including myself) complain about. I wish I could count all the times i felt a kick or the times when my belly would jump because Olivia had the most precious hiccups. I wish I would have taken more pictures instead of being worried about all of the stuff that doesn't even matter anymore. I wish I could go back to when Aiden would cuddle and hold my belly, even though he didn't understand what was going on. I wish I would have recorded Chase's face when the tech said "I think it's a girl" and then again when he needed confirmation that we were for sure 100% pregnant with a girl. I wish I could see her with her big brother now. I wish we didn't have to feel the sting of death, not just once but twice now. There are so many things that I would change if I could just go back, but I can't. I can only change the future.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">Your love's not fractured</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It's not a troubled mind</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It isn't anxious</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It's not the restless kind</span></i></span></div>
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Without going through all of this, we would not be who we are today. We wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to hold and love others who are hurting and going through the exact same thing we did, and able to be 100% honest with them. We wouldn't have the {overflowing} empathy we have now because we have experienced true grief. We wouldn't be the parents we are today. Our life would look and be completely different than it is today, and for that we are thankful.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisYTpAqxde0ZOhoLN1LhRgrLIpXmRBbXnu-8qKBm8fQOsDIyOsIWVFijyvAuob6esUPXqxbInQuX50msj1OAoDnYWPacyBR3o6RjMOmZzP_x_PmXsp9M_wkekxlYrER-qFTxhcdrNVYPI/s320/a76e25ee5d01bc4e068dc68ecb532684.jpg" width="320" /></div>
Olivia's life mattered and completely changed us. If it didn't have an impact on anyone else, that would be ok, because through her God has pulled us closer. He is the ultimate healer and redeemer, and He always gets the victory.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">Your love's not passive</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It's never disengaged</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It's always present</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It hangs on every word we say</span></span></i></div>
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I have learned so much from her life, even though she was here for a very brief 24 weeks. All the worrying and stressing and fear over the future was for nothing.<br />
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<img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbibHdhyQHu8IQpFcag_nw38HbogetzgKKCfFn3z0H56zBYTbbjNmC1V1aOHTJok2Zx28MBGp4wCupTyfNiX-DSHRticrZJUboaziaoew2qRhOSGuBgnb5NUoDGPvxJUdUaigIDjbJ05A/s320/ff71257c8304e036b4b72b5952a7ec71.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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I would much rather spend my time and thoughts on things that are holy, pure, and satisfying to Christ. It is a battle I face every day, but when we focus on God and His heart, the battle can be won.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">Love keeps its promises</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It keep its word</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">It honors what's sacred</span><br style="background-color: white; margin: 0px; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-left;">'Cause its vows are good</span></i></span></div>
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From the moment we found out about her, we loved her. Even through the fear and worry, there was never a moment that I didn't want her. Olivia Grace was so loved and so wanted. Her personality was so different from that of her brothers. While she did move quite often, she was so calm and peaceful. Her movements were slow and graceful. When I was pregnant with Aiden he never, ever stopped moving. If you know him, then you know that this is true of him even now. His personality holds true to the meaning of his name. As I have shared before, Olivia Grace is a symbol of peace and God's grace, and that is exactly what she is. She taught us the true meaning of God's peace and grace. She is our perfect sleeping beauty.<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Your love's not broken</span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><div style="color: #990000; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white;">It's not insecure</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Your love's not selfish</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Your love is pure</div>
</span><div style="color: #990000; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><div style="text-align: center;">
You don't give Your heart in pieces</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white;"><div style="color: #990000; text-align: center;">
You don't hide Yourself to tease us </div>
<div style="color: #990000; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #990000; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/D0-PAMN6_go"><span style="color: #cc0000;">https://youtu.be/D0-PAMN6_go</span></a></div>
</span></i></span><br />
<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-72110340119005584812017-01-18T18:33:00.002-08:002017-01-18T18:33:18.787-08:00It's not you, It's me...It's really not you, it's me... That is my response for so many things now. The things that I can't handle. The things that automatically send me spiraling into an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago. I've experienced more grief, anxiety, loss, hurt, and pain than some people do in a life time, and I'm not even 25 yet. In a matter of 6 months, I have lost not one, but two children.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmvRWZWo4MVRACWRmmiviJpMad1XuTqFYtA9JyD2-KuRb93WV2iFkxUMEh4n35_JapDqNXA-VenC3q9uumnDmAJAArecNgTHABnewg-l98WXnX4qqn_dHeHPFd7LzHgU7Ss-rhYlUwLg/s1600/e278247b1730257bc308fca7508d8821.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmvRWZWo4MVRACWRmmiviJpMad1XuTqFYtA9JyD2-KuRb93WV2iFkxUMEh4n35_JapDqNXA-VenC3q9uumnDmAJAArecNgTHABnewg-l98WXnX4qqn_dHeHPFd7LzHgU7Ss-rhYlUwLg/s320/e278247b1730257bc308fca7508d8821.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
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I've decided that I have to start cutting certain things out of my life for a while. I can't control others, and it wouldn't be fair too; I also can't live in a bubble, and I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me. However, there are certain things that I can control... Things like how much time I spend on social media, who shows up on my "timeline", who I surround myself with, and how I choose to live my life.<br />
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It's so easy for people to say, "Well you can't be like that," or "You just can't allow stuff to bother you," or "You just have to get over it." There are some times that I am ok seeing a pregnant woman, and there are other times where I completely lose it. There are things that trigger so many emotions and so much pain, that it is almost impossible to imagine.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3B-dToiPdBPk8NQRIGJkHBi7VHidLcOwXdx4J6s_S-COhe_V-LK3bzeQT90cO_K8OuJe55A7azJkpB1_3-mFfKv-r7xRwg5ckhhDdls50b7s69bkH84jETj-IDocGf23vk4hgO80OnFo/s1600/6a06eca627b15cf92a6bb9aea7ec8467.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3B-dToiPdBPk8NQRIGJkHBi7VHidLcOwXdx4J6s_S-COhe_V-LK3bzeQT90cO_K8OuJe55A7azJkpB1_3-mFfKv-r7xRwg5ckhhDdls50b7s69bkH84jETj-IDocGf23vk4hgO80OnFo/s320/6a06eca627b15cf92a6bb9aea7ec8467.jpg" width="215" /></a></div>
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Today, I open up Facebook like most of us do, and the first thing I see is an ultrasound picture. In that moment, time froze. It felt as if my heart stopped beating and I could not breathe. I instantly lost it. Every bone in my body hurt. The last ultrasound I had, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. Every single memory of my last two pregnancies flooded my mind. It's crippling and uncontrollable.<br />
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Those are things that you can't just "get over". You don't get over death. You have to learn to live with it and learn how to cope with it. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. That doesn't mean that the pain will go away. That doesn't mean that you are "ok" by the world's standard all the time. It means that sometimes you are emotional, sometimes you cry in public, sometimes you lash out because you are hurting, sometimes you want to be all alone. It means that you may lose friends or have to cut off certain relationships because they just don't get it. Your life is FOREVER changed. While the world around you moves on and forgets, you feel stuck in time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG-Xs0tY9otHj_nDoQo1b0S6ZcxxCpKkY7zs0UL1_eg1ugZWKmYXZfgIRPuv83U8XJ_U6Pe2MQZTm8KyitddkIJCRdFy3xqq3ApP3LZHS39uT1b6C3nT83KpSZOEWFHwVjP9q1lOEWTMw/s1600/58bc93ee522e79016d50fabb7ea72e86.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG-Xs0tY9otHj_nDoQo1b0S6ZcxxCpKkY7zs0UL1_eg1ugZWKmYXZfgIRPuv83U8XJ_U6Pe2MQZTm8KyitddkIJCRdFy3xqq3ApP3LZHS39uT1b6C3nT83KpSZOEWFHwVjP9q1lOEWTMw/s320/58bc93ee522e79016d50fabb7ea72e86.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I saw this quote, and it has stuck with me. You have no idea how many times I've heard "well at least you still have Aiden" or "at least it wasn't Aiden" or "at least you weren't as far along as you were with Olivia." None of this matters. It doesn't matter if you lost your child at 3 weeks, 40 weeks, 2 years, 25 years. That child is still your baby. That child matters. That child is instantly a piece of your heart and soul, the moment you find out they exist.<br />
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I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why we are going through this. I don't understand why anyone has to go through the loss of a child. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was reading and studying the bible, when something in a devotional spoke to me. It said while we don't understand why now, one day everything will make sense. The moment that we enter Heaven, all of the puzzle pieces will come together, and we will see the big picture. I can not wait for that day, for sooooooo many reasons.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6HCft3AtsDyBcB3KHlZjd9E1wnuufxLGZ9D_paH2UkEnptvLLUBHGDFtQi83rHKSwUKzWq4vNrF_1gWgCxWioFfz8NAYW5qxoqAnfGa7PzDVbry31gBdHOa2NBw8BdISU5BSkNo7U7s/s1600/36e10cdc83b7b7ba2f432a8c7829ae0b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_6HCft3AtsDyBcB3KHlZjd9E1wnuufxLGZ9D_paH2UkEnptvLLUBHGDFtQi83rHKSwUKzWq4vNrF_1gWgCxWioFfz8NAYW5qxoqAnfGa7PzDVbry31gBdHOa2NBw8BdISU5BSkNo7U7s/s320/36e10cdc83b7b7ba2f432a8c7829ae0b.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This has been one of the scriptures that has spoken to me recently. I have quoted it, prayed it, read it, and truly believe it. I believe that God will keep his promise for us. He will give us the desires of our heart. He loves us and cares for us. He is with us every step of the way. It is by His sovereign strength and grace that we are able to get through this.<br />
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To those of you who remember our angel babies and have been there for us, thank you. We truly have felt so much love from people who genuinely care for us. Recently one of our best friends had bought a gift for the baby before everything happened, when 'they' gave it to me 'they' said, "This is for OUR angel baby." I had about 5,000 emotions in that moment, but it truly meant the world to me. I wanted to break down crying right there. This baby wasn't just loved and recognized by Chase and I, and it meant so much more than you can imagine. When parents go through loss, one of the best ways you can comfort them is by remembering. Acknowledging their babies that are in heaven. Showing that you care. Being there for them.<br />
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One of my biggest desires for my blog is that people will become more aware of not only the process of loss and grief, but the life after. That others will be more kind, compassionate, and loving when they encounter someone who has experienced true grief. Society says it's a taboo subject, and that people shouldn't talk about it. Women are expected just to "get over it" and move on. No one talks about how much your life is changed after loss. It's a journey that you have to take one step at a time, because you never know when a wave will come and knock you off your feet.<br />
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For those wondering, we are still waiting on our Anora test results to come back, they should be in by next week at the latest. I'm fairly positive there will be a blog following the results!<br />
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I have shared this song before, but it has been on my heart and mind all day. It's my anthem, my heart, my prayer. </div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKfnF8qmibw&spfreload=10">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKfnF8qmibw&spfreload=10</a></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-31824338539109131582017-01-08T19:13:00.001-08:002017-01-08T19:15:59.142-08:00You Don't Miss a Thing...We don't know why things happen, but we trust God has a purpose and plan for our lives. I posted a blog a few days ago, sharing some of the promises that God has given us, not knowing what the next day would hold.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAtaFdga-fzdmE1WwpCU5cbACA-9ifRnpZMJxcCk2jGTBgpIZYeXQ4UdNlQx58640Y_mBlpUb9rvIKwgOphcVrXHJez9QsRAkjQes8slYOPQ-rflGvte1QCff1Sc5Oq8d2QOtNFIPkcuU/s1600/14ee0594ccf44704658b19a07c3afb29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAtaFdga-fzdmE1WwpCU5cbACA-9ifRnpZMJxcCk2jGTBgpIZYeXQ4UdNlQx58640Y_mBlpUb9rvIKwgOphcVrXHJez9QsRAkjQes8slYOPQ-rflGvte1QCff1Sc5Oq8d2QOtNFIPkcuU/s320/14ee0594ccf44704658b19a07c3afb29.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>
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On January 5th, we had our first appointment with the high risk doctor that would be taking our "case." The appointment started with going over our medical history, followed by an ultrasound. As the nurse began to perform the ultrasound, I knew something was not right. After three pregnancies, you know exactly what to look for. The nurse's facial expression changed, as she fought to hide back tears before saying she was going to get the doctor.<br />
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When the doctor came in, he began to perform an ultrasound. He moved around a little before turning on the heart rate monitor. We knew that there was no heart beat before he did anything. He didn't have to say anything, we already knew what he was going to say.<br />
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The doctor gave us a few minutes before going over the details. Because of how far along we were and the fact that I was on blood thinners, we had to go through basically the same process that we did with Olivia, it just wouldn't be to the same extent. He wanted me to wait until the next morning for us to come in and be induced, so that the Lovenox could have time to get out of my system. He went over some of the details of my history and talked us through what was going to happen next. They gave us instructions on checking in to the hospital, and were very comforting during everything. We left, once again, broken-hearted.<br />
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The call came at 7:00 AM Friday morning that our room was ready. Thankfully, we had family who already had plans to be here this weekend, so they took Aiden with them while we went to the hospital.<br />
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We got to the hospital around 10, and finally started the induction process around 3 pm. At 6:10am on January 7, 2017, at 13 weeks, our 3rd baby was born. Because it was so early in the pregnancy, we were not able to determine if the baby was a boy or a girl, but thanks to testing, we will know in 1-2 weeks. They took a lot of blood samples and will be doing further testing on the blood and placenta to see if we can determine a reason as to why this happened medically.<br />
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During this process we have felt so much love and true empathy. People have not only said they love us and are hurting with us, but actually shown that they truly do care and are hurting. We are so thankful for the calls, texts, prayers, and love shown to us. We have felt strangely at peace throughout this whole process, and I truly believe it is because of all the people interceding on our behalf.<br />
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We know that this baby is with our precious Olivia Grace, in the arms of Jesus. While it hurts and is so painful, we know that God has got us. He has not left us, or forsaken us. He will give us the strength to get through this. He has given us a hope and a future. The promises that he has given to us in the past year still hold true, even when we do not see how. He will heal our broken hearts, and make us whole again.<br />
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Losing a child is never easy, no matter how long you carried the child, it hurts the same every time. During all of this, I've felt like we've had two options: 1) To dwell on the fact that life sucks, and begin to question God and allow anger to set in for God "allowing" this to happen not once, but twice; or 2) To turn to God and allow Him to comfort and hold us, and allow Him to pick up the pieces. I believe that God is a sovereign God, and that he is going to turn all of this around for His glory. Even though it does suck, and we are hurt and broken; He is going to pick up the pieces and turn it into something beautiful.<br />
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While we were meeting with the doctor, we spoke a little bit on the future, and what that will look like for our family. He believes that there may be something more going on in my body, and wants to do further testing, when we are ready. We are believing that we will get answers and closure.<br />
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We know that there will be a day where we will get to hold all of our babies... and on that day, we will never have to say goodbye. We have a hope for a future.<br />
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-60192050662430712472017-01-04T18:38:00.003-08:002017-01-04T18:45:39.828-08:00Six Months I haven't blogged in a while, because I just haven't felt like it, if I'm being completely honest... The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've faced. I literally didn't want to do anything.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">Give me vision to see things like You do</span></span><br />
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Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">God I look to You, You're where my help comes from</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Give me wisdom; You know just what to do</span></span><br />
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This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to. It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">I will love You Lord my strength</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">I will love You Lord my shield</span></span></div>
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Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like <i>"I'm so glad everyone is together"</i> or <i>"everyone is accounted for."</i> I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">I will love You Lord my rock </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Forever, a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">ll my days, I will love You God</span></div>
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I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah our God reigns</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah our God reigns</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah our God reigns</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">H</span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">allelujah our God reigns forever all my days</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Hallelujah</span></div>
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Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">You're faithful all my days</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">When I forget I just see the rain</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Cause I see you in the rain</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Giving life to every little living thing</span></div>
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There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6sPjy55mg09UnmNVd5AdTwVnl5wKbYJjYz_WSX4AjNtQO9O7kliA2bFvxtngPwQTRzwroa872e0sI91XsmOhMG1wbaHymV382z9v85KGMW1UWGXbSGcNXmljOklnslxcySBRH_Ae7gyw/s1600/IMG_6849-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6sPjy55mg09UnmNVd5AdTwVnl5wKbYJjYz_WSX4AjNtQO9O7kliA2bFvxtngPwQTRzwroa872e0sI91XsmOhMG1wbaHymV382z9v85KGMW1UWGXbSGcNXmljOklnslxcySBRH_Ae7gyw/s320/IMG_6849-2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"> I see you in the rain</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Giving life and breath to every living thing</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">Causing dead things to rise again...</span></div>
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It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.<br />
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On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuoVhJOB_5XlVo1FpxjisnlYSq9og2dpvcwsQOvPsW5w6Ke1I_yqnbqM0hHA3y9jgNdduvh0MJlTwymFoJ_o3AvsBXaunACWMGtfk-nq2qYI3l8aRKufyzq1V7edeRAYvMWIv0U31Ppu0/s1600/IMG_9115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuoVhJOB_5XlVo1FpxjisnlYSq9og2dpvcwsQOvPsW5w6Ke1I_yqnbqM0hHA3y9jgNdduvh0MJlTwymFoJ_o3AvsBXaunACWMGtfk-nq2qYI3l8aRKufyzq1V7edeRAYvMWIv0U31Ppu0/s320/IMG_9115.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I called Chase and asked if he could come home, trying not to tell him over the phone, he immediately responded with, "your pregnant". After taking another test for reassurance, we begin talking about what had to happen now. Chase sent me a scripture that I have read over and over since that day.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #990000;">Slow down, take time</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;">Breath in, he said</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;">He'd reveal what's to come</span></div>
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<i>"God, <span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, </span><span style="background-color: white;">your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "verdana" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"</span> </i>Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">The thoughts in his mind</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Always higher than mine</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">He'll reveal all to come</span></span></div>
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The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Take courage, my heart</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Stay steadfast, my soul</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">He's in the waiting</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">He's in the waiting</span></span></div>
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A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv9NHzWZaowXAlxU4Oqp7nIpuH8_qqDG5QCQ8P6MBpjpn17qtBpSIZpoAQNi2gOAGlRPvmc1fgDWPSktXrAsRtsqs3_t0DIDEJ9S9samO_7ccfkaG8gz2f2c85eahIyy5HZxj5x6SAAEo/s1600/IMG_8119-2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv9NHzWZaowXAlxU4Oqp7nIpuH8_qqDG5QCQ8P6MBpjpn17qtBpSIZpoAQNi2gOAGlRPvmc1fgDWPSktXrAsRtsqs3_t0DIDEJ9S9samO_7ccfkaG8gz2f2c85eahIyy5HZxj5x6SAAEo/s320/IMG_8119-2.PNG" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗</td></tr>
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There are days where I am overcome by fear and worry, that something may happen to this baby, and in those moments God always sends me a reminder, that He has us.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">Hold on to your hope</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">As your triumph unfold</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">He's never-failing</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">He's never-failing</span></span></div>
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There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66qz7nXdPX04NOVP_XRozvRdYlBB2Q520Z4xuh4L68dozzFrH41yTGTORgjaoJkfFEAFK4iKldZ4tfi1cm3BjzQFtr5WM2PB_D-BP9ykMZ-fdRyKJ7JRC4k1OazCspTbKJxemr9DPBjY/s1600/IMG_8777.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66qz7nXdPX04NOVP_XRozvRdYlBB2Q520Z4xuh4L68dozzFrH41yTGTORgjaoJkfFEAFK4iKldZ4tfi1cm3BjzQFtr5WM2PB_D-BP9ykMZ-fdRyKJ7JRC4k1OazCspTbKJxemr9DPBjY/s320/IMG_8777.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
From beginning to End, it was all there. It was so big I couldn't get a picture of it, and I was driving. I knew, in that moment, not only did God hear my prayers and desires, He was showing me this Rainbow baby is going to be complete and whole. He is our hope and strength. He will get us through this pregnancy safely.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">Sing praise, my soul</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">Find strength in joy</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">Let his words lead you on</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">Do not forget his great faithfulness</span><br style="text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: start;">He'll finish all he's begun</span></span></div>
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There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">And you who hold the stars</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Who call them each by name</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Will surely keep your promise to me </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">That I will rise in your victory</span></span></div>
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There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)<br />
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<a href="https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw"><span style="color: #e06666;">https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw</span></a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ"><span style="color: #e06666;">https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ</span></a></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-33724501195635780192016-10-25T18:51:00.003-07:002016-10-25T19:03:28.875-07:00October 25, 2016 - Our Due DateTo some they may not understand why today was such a big deal to us, or families like us who have experienced the pain of losing a child. I couldn't wait to find out our exact due date when we found out we were pregnant. I wanted to know when I could expect this baby to be here. October 25 was supposed to be the very last day for Olivia to come, if we made it that far. It was the day that we knew we would either already have our baby girl here, or would be having her that day. It was the finish line that we were so excited to reach.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aiden with the Princess Minnie we got in honor of Olivia Grace. </td></tr>
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Today was a hard day. It's the day she was supposed to be here. It was a day that brought back all of the pain and emotions that were felt on July 2nd, when we heard the news that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat. This day was supposed to be a day of joy for our family. It may not seem like a "big deal" to others, but to us it was.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Riding Prince Charming Regal Carrousel</td></tr>
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We woke up to texts and messages from people who were just letting us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us, which meant more than you will ever know to us. One even reassuring me that I could do this, and make it through today, and of course she was right! I don't think we've ever felt as loved as we do now. <br />
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We decided that we would spend the day at the most magical place on earth, Disney. :-) We thought this was the best way to honor our precious Olivia Grace. Although it was a hard day, we had a great day. The weather was absolutely perfect, the crowds were low, and we got to spend uninterrupted time together. There were a few moments that I choked up or had to fight back the tears, but over all it was good.<br />
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We had a few fast passes for Character meet and greets, and rode a few rides. I was a little upset to see that Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for the non-Disney people) was not meeting with Cinderella. I had this plan in my head, and had hoped that she would be the visiting princess, but she was not. We decided to skip, as it was Elena of Avalor, and just took a picture with Cinderella.<br />
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We also took Aiden to his very first Character dining experience. My dad was able to get us a reservation at Crystal Palace. As you can see from the pictures, Aiden wasn't too impressed with the characters. ;-) He loved them from far away, but when they got close, he wanted nothing to do with them. The food was absolutely AMAZING though. It was so good.<br />
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My dad also had sent a surprise for us that was at our table waiting. We got a few questions as to why we had all of it our table, and one "congratulations." I think people were just confused because we came in with a boy, and had all of this pink princess stuff, and of course they didn't know why we were there.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJcInQ_KrQzmnhOLaCb9KThw_f6CR3fSwbUyVuAbar_iUm4PRIxgpCgKgUcViK-AX6U7kD1rgw4ni4KJ4q3nRWshgANFNvr_Cy79A1QftMz1ig1aVcMAO49PiwB-KxD88p8RzrMa7SpG4/s1600/IMG_8275.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJcInQ_KrQzmnhOLaCb9KThw_f6CR3fSwbUyVuAbar_iUm4PRIxgpCgKgUcViK-AX6U7kD1rgw4ni4KJ4q3nRWshgANFNvr_Cy79A1QftMz1ig1aVcMAO49PiwB-KxD88p8RzrMa7SpG4/s1600/IMG_8275.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mickey Rice Crispy Treats, my favorite, and Goofy Taffy</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The balloon that was attached to our treats. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loved all the details</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiwhor1tTNJcUxGkhxzMkhKUnXJo-CpNlqQzTj4XtFHUWhim90ueZn1cPOFrbY8MUveNtc-IDukw4TRr_9RwRoN9YGzEWAOAY0DanEnCuGbAmXacWRDydbBuzWSvXfSR2HRzHscKTGEN8/s1600/IMG_8286.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiwhor1tTNJcUxGkhxzMkhKUnXJo-CpNlqQzTj4XtFHUWhim90ueZn1cPOFrbY8MUveNtc-IDukw4TRr_9RwRoN9YGzEWAOAY0DanEnCuGbAmXacWRDydbBuzWSvXfSR2HRzHscKTGEN8/s1600/IMG_8286.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby boy surrounded by pink! </td></tr>
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There was one cast member who gave us fast passes to see Tinker Belle, because we had to wait on Snow White, so shared with her a little bit of our story.<br />
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This verse was sent to me on Monday, and I have repeated over and over again since then.<br />
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I woke up feeling more at peace about today through everything that has happened. I know that God is in control, and that He loves me. It's just so hard to understand why this happened. Nevertheless, through it all, we will praise Him. We will turn our sorrow and pain into a light for Him. He will have the final say, and we know He holds the victory.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRHzWg4IuzviJIlJA37RzFvalatbrZPZBK63eCqQP4Uztjb4vj8aw6rq2CWxfY6pj-JV-OQXUVdlvAYboQb7cOXXaR_zH7Aj6FP9IDuM51dPwLb-BBaN8vtLvcIC-FEkkasRz4LJpUQfg/s1600/PhotoPass_Visiting_MK_7841156980.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRHzWg4IuzviJIlJA37RzFvalatbrZPZBK63eCqQP4Uztjb4vj8aw6rq2CWxfY6pj-JV-OQXUVdlvAYboQb7cOXXaR_zH7Aj6FP9IDuM51dPwLb-BBaN8vtLvcIC-FEkkasRz4LJpUQfg/s320/PhotoPass_Visiting_MK_7841156980.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love that my tattoo is showing in the middle of this picture!</td></tr>
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Olivia was with us today, just like she is everyday. We can't wait for the day we are reunited with our baby girl in eternity. Until that day comes, we will honor and remember her in every way we can.<br />
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<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-27985931533911462212016-10-23T19:30:00.000-07:002016-10-23T19:30:59.712-07:00Grace is EnoughAs we get closer to Tuesday, our due date; the more emotional, anxious, and upset I get. I am struggling <i>big time,</i> and I've been trying so hard to hold it in. This weekend has been so hard, yet exactly what I needed. <div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">You stood outside my grave</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">With tears still on Your face</span></div>
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On Friday, we had a girls worship night out. We went to see Bethel Music, and it was amazing. The Spirit of God was definitely in that arena. It felt as though everything the band said, as they were ministering, was exactly what I needed to hear. In fact there was one part of the <i>concert</i>, if you can even call it that, that Amanda Cook was singing spontaneously from her heart and she sang "I'm on a cliff about to fall." She then proceeded to talk about how we needed to let go and fall into the arms of Jesus, that He will be there to catch us. These were the <u><i>EXACT</i></u> words I sent to Jen a day before. I had been texting Jen and was telling her how I have felt this week. We talked about how I felt like I've been on this cliff, and am literally on the edge about to fall. </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">I heard You say my name </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">My night was turned to day</span></div>
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I realized in that that has been my problem all along; not being able to let go and fall. Being true to myself and my feelings. I've been afraid to be completely honest with myself, and to let myself fall into God's arms. In that moment it clicked that I have to let go, as hard as it, I have to let God have his way.</div>
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As they continued ministering, they began to talk about how it's time to let God move, and awaken the part of you that died. We have to let him perform His miracle. Then, they went into this song: </div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRG5U-RaVdI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRG5U-RaVdI</a> </div>
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Of course by this point, I am a complete wreck (in a good way). When we heard the words that Olivia had no heart beat and that she had passed, there was a part of me that died as well. My hope, my dream, my future was suddenly gone. I have been scared and afraid to face that death. I've tried my very best to hide my feelings, my hurt, my emotions, and my pain. I've been telling myself that I have to be ok, I have to be strong. My reasoning behind this was: 1) I'm a pastor's wife, I felt like I have this standard to uphold, and that by "losing it" I am failing; 2) I felt like people were looking to me to be strong and be ok. These are lies and unrealistic standards that I've put on myself. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: start;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You came, I knew that You would come</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">You sang, My heart it woke up</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></div>
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I put this pressure on myself for no reason. I kept telling myself if I push it to the back, I can control it. And I can't.... I can't control or contain my emotions. It's only made it worse, and in the process, hurt me more.</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You came, I knew that You would come</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></div>
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2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You said death's only sleeping</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">With one word my heart was beating</span></div>
</div>
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I have quoted this verse so many times, but I never knew it's true meaning until now. This version, The Message, brings so much power and understand to this verse:</div>
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<div class="p" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 2em; margin: 0px 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-indent: 1em;">
<span class="verse v7 v8 v9 v10" data-usfm="2CO.12.7+2CO.12.8+2CO.12.9+2CO.12.10" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;"><i>Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, </i></span></span></div>
<div class="p" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 2em; margin: 0px 0px 0px 5px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-indent: 1em;">
<i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><b><span style="color: #666666;">My grace is enough; it’s all you need.</span></b></i></div>
<div class="q" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 2em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 2.5em; text-align: center; text-indent: 1em;">
<span class="verse v7 v8 v9 v10" data-usfm="2CO.12.7+2CO.12.8+2CO.12.9+2CO.12.10" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>My strength comes into its own in your weakness.</b></i></span></span></div>
<div class="q" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 2em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 2.5em; text-align: center; text-indent: 1em;">
<i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span style="color: #666666;">Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. </span></i></div>
<div class="q" style="box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 2em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 2.5em; text-align: center; text-indent: 1em;">
<i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><b><span style="color: #666666;">I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.</span></b></i></div>
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This got me... I definitely wouldn't call what we've been through a gift. I have prayed and cried out to God to not let it be true. In fact, while we were getting ready to deliver Olivia, I kept begging that God would somehow make her heart start beating again. I just wanted all of this pain and hurt to be gone. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to face it. But, the very next line gives me hope. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666;">"My grace is enough; it's all you need."</span></div>
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It's only by God's grace and power that I am still standing right now. We feel as though we've literally been through <i>hell</i>. We have experienced the effects of death in a way that most people will never experience. We have walked through the lowest of lows in the past two and a half months. And I have been so scared to face that truth.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">I rose up from my grave</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">My fear was turned to faith</span></div>
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I have put up this facade. I told myself that I am okay and that I am strong, when I am not. I am a wreck, and barely holding it together. It wasn't until this weekend that I understood what I have been doing. </div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You are a miracle working God</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You are a miracle working God</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></div>
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Fast forward to today, Sunday. As we began to worship, I couldn't stop the tears. Partially because Chase sang songs about grace, which is Olivia's middle name. It's {not so} ironic that the middle name that we picked for her, is the very thing I need the most. At the end we always have a time to respond and elders who are available for prayer. I knew that I needed prayer. I am at my weakest right now, and feel as though I'm barely hanging on. I didn't have to say to much, Mrs. Patsy knew exactly what I needed. </div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You are a miracle working God</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You are a miracle working God</span></div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As she began to pray over me, she prayed that I would be released from myself. There are so many things that she said, that I needed to hear. I explained to her that I have been holding on and trying to be strong, because I feel like I have to be. She then said something that I've been told many times, by many people, but it's so hard for me to grasp. She said that I do not have to be strong. I'm not expected to be ok. God can not move until I am real and honest with myself. Until I let go. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div>
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You turn my fear into faith </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">You raise me up from the grace</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
Something clicked this weekend, and I realize now that it is ok to be broken. It's ok for people to see my weakness. In my weakness, God can and will show up. He will use the weakness, just as much, if not more than He can use the strength. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">You came, I knew that You would come</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am so beyond thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives. We don't have to pretend to be something that we are not. We can be us, and know that they genuinely do care about us. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Tuesday will still be a hard day for us, but I feel more at peace about it. I know that His grace and strength will get me through. </div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><b><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><b><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-5715483524545444032016-10-13T20:18:00.003-07:002016-10-13T20:22:01.359-07:00A Rainbow Promise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFIypDxStU06YsUX7BBZU7w85rSfak8tKsh8t0ZysxYLHIII5uYP0R8-9GVyZdLqnmRANhaU9NGfKkJ5vbf04U7hQ24C1ifQ6bPkr41lBxy3mZv-Sieh9-UaRTc2TTsOzqZFQGpB_iek/s1600/IMG_8119.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFIypDxStU06YsUX7BBZU7w85rSfak8tKsh8t0ZysxYLHIII5uYP0R8-9GVyZdLqnmRANhaU9NGfKkJ5vbf04U7hQ24C1ifQ6bPkr41lBxy3mZv-Sieh9-UaRTc2TTsOzqZFQGpB_iek/s320/IMG_8119.PNG" width="180" /></a></div>
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When my sister sent me this picture this afternoon while she was visiting Olivia's grave, I just glanced at it and thought it was a sweet reminder. I didn't spend too much time thinking about it because:<br />
<br />
1) As we get closer to the 25th (our due date) I am getting more emotional and upset.<br />
2) I already had one break down today after ordering flowers for the grave.<br />
3) I was somewhat busy, getting ready to attend a class.<br />
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But as I got in the car to leave the class I felt a small tug on my heart telling me to look at this picture one more time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgqth7cLV1BG5eFVRbAynezP8Z_AvJrHnWAG5aRd6hM-WUVIkS2sYfLwKWzhqLGqBqbH5sDGsS_dQG3wdBZ-zc0Z2zzR_rsDsr1ZhWoxljBJPFF-6I1vXnyJwuzCt49KernUXgTXgl0c/s1600/dde9b48377198431716fa4e01de6a1ab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkgqth7cLV1BG5eFVRbAynezP8Z_AvJrHnWAG5aRd6hM-WUVIkS2sYfLwKWzhqLGqBqbH5sDGsS_dQG3wdBZ-zc0Z2zzR_rsDsr1ZhWoxljBJPFF-6I1vXnyJwuzCt49KernUXgTXgl0c/s1600/dde9b48377198431716fa4e01de6a1ab.jpg" /></a></div>
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You can barely see it, but it's a rainbow. In the bible, the rainbow is a sign of God's covenant, his promise, and also a description of His Glory.<br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #e06666;"><i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth. </span></i><i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="verse v12" data-usfm="GEN.9.12" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. </span></span><span class="verse v14" data-usfm="GEN.9.14" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, </span></span><span class="verse v15" data-usfm="GEN.9.15" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="label" style="box-sizing: inherit; display: inherit; margin-right: 0.28571rem; padding: inherit;">15</span><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;">I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." Genesis 9:11-15</span></span></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #e06666;"><i style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 1em;"><span class="verse v15" data-usfm="GEN.9.15" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span class="content" style="box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer;"><br /></span></span></i></span>
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I have been struggling with so much anxiety, fear, uncertainty, hurt, and pain not only from losing a child, but also over our future. The future of our family. What does it look like? How do we move on in life knowing our baby girl won't physically be here. What happens when we are ready to continue growing our family? Will we be able to have the big family we desired? What if we lose another child? The questions, the worry, the uncertainty goes on and on.<br />
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For us, losing Olivia was the flood. On July 2nd, the waters came crashing in, and our lives changed forever. I've said it in so many of my previous blogs and posts, but it is like life has started completely over for us. When Noah stepped off of the ark, the world as he knew it was gone. Everything that wasn't on the ark was destroyed by the waters. Everything that he knew was gone. It was as if he had to start life over. I read the best description in another blog, that I reposted on FB a few days ago... We live in a B.D. (Before Death) and A.D. (After Death) life. There is a very distinct difference between the two. For us, the world around us is the same, but we are different. Our view of the world is different. Our future hopes and dreams are different.<br />
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But, we have hope. We have the reminder of the promise God has made to us, to never flood "the earth" again. When I went back to the picture I knew that this was God's promise to us. He will never flood our life again. Will we go through trials and more heartache? Yes, that is a part of life and God's way of refining us and making us more like him. But, I know that He's got us in the palm of His hand. He is holding us. He is guiding our path. He will never let the flood waters becoming so overwhelming that we drown.<br />
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<i style="text-indent: 1em;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;">"Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all </span><span style="color: #e06666;">around</span><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"> it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord." Ezekiel 1:28</span></i><br />
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<i style="text-indent: 1em;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i>
When it's dark and gloomy on a rainy day, there is nothing that cheers you up faster than a rainbow. It gives us hope that the sun is coming out. The rain is over, the storm has passed. Sometimes more rain comes behind the rainbow, sometimes it's days or weeks before another storm hits. But, you can always look forward to seeing that rainbow at the end. For us, this "storm" may be never ending, but there are breaks and glimpses of <b>The Ultimate Rainbow</b>. We feel God's presence all around us. He is constantly moving in our lives. Paving the way for us. Putting the right people in our lives. Comforting us when we need it. And always loving us. His light is shining ever so brightly in this storm that we face. He is there every step of the way. He is there. He knows and sees my hurt. And today, I felt like He was giving me a reminder of our promise of a future. He will be there guiding our every step.<br />
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You may have heard the term "Rainbow Baby." This is a baby that is born after loss. I feel more confident now, that one day, in God's perfect timing, we will have a rainbow baby of our own that is hand picked by our precious Olivia Grace.<br />
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<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-91164875766416373792016-10-01T17:58:00.002-07:002016-10-01T17:58:25.959-07:00The Most Dreaded Month<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Take this fainted heart</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Take these tainted hands</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Wash me in your love</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Come like grace again</i></span></div>
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I have always loved fall, and the month of October. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love the decorations, dressing up, and having fun. I was really looking forward to this Halloween, and getting to dress 2 babies in matching costumes for Halloween.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Even when my strength is lost</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>I'll praise You</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Even when I have no song</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>I'll praise You</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Even when it's hard to find the words</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Louder then I'll sing Your praise.</i></span></div>
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As October 1st has drawn closer and closer, my anxiety level has gotten higher. I dreaded seeing October. Everyday closer to the 1st, has felt heavier. I don't know how else to explain it other than thick, heaviness. This month was supposed to be a month of change, extreme joy, and bringing a new life into our home. It was supposed to be about introducing Aiden to his baby sister, adjusting to two under two, and growing our family. This week and weekend have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I just knew that I was not ready to see the Calendar change.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
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This week especially, I've kept telling myself to just breathe. As the calendar date has drawn closer, I've felt more and more alone; although I know that is a lie There are so many people I have talked to and connected with that have been through this exact thing. Though there are still moments where I feel like no one understands my pain. As I've prayed, I keep getting reminded that not only has God placed people in my life for this specific reason, He too has walked this path. He made the <u>choice</u> to give His son, so that I could live, Olivia can live, and you can live. He knows my pain. He understands the "bad days." He understands and knows.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Take this mountain weight</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Take these ocean tears</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Hold me through the trial</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Come like hope again</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></i></div>
I truly believe that God places specific people in our lives for specific purposes. There is one person that I know without a doubt that God has purposefully placed in my life. A few Sundays ago - it was actually the 4th of September (2 months since Olivia's birth) - I had to leave service. I was just an emotional train wreck. Chase met me at the bathroom after worship, he knew exactly where to find me. We talked for a few minutes and I finally composed myself and went back into service. Because worship was over, and the message had started, I didn't want to walk up front back to where I was sitting. In our church, there is an overflow area with a couch, so Chase told me just to go there. Well, can you guess who was sitting there? The very person that I needed. She just happened to be running late that morning, and was sitting on the couch. She immediately knew what I was feeling. She prayed with me and comforted me when I needed it the most. She knew the pain I was feeling, because she too, has been there. It's in moments like these that there is no question that God is real, and that He is with us.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Even when the fight seems lost</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I'll praise You</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Even when it hurts like hell</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I'll praise You</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Even when it makes no sense to sing</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Louder then I'll sing Your praise</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
He provides the things that we need. He sees our hurt and pain. He knows when we need comfort. He loves us. I know that I am not strong enough to get through with this on my own. I never have been. I never will be. It's only through God's strength, grace, and love that I have been able to get out of bed each day. While there have been times that I have failed and let my emotions over take me, He has still been there to comfort me and gently point me back in the right direction. Psalm 51:10,12 have been my go-to verses through all of this...<br />
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<i><span style="color: #e06666;">"Create in me a pure heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me... Restore me to the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #e06666;"><br /></span></i>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<i><br /></i>
I'm constantly praying these verses over my own life. That God will renew me and restore me. Right now, my life is a construction zone. It is in the process of being rebuilt, restored, and renewed by our Creator.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And my heart burns only for You</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>You are all You are all I want</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And my soul waits only for You</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And I will sing til the morning has come</i></span></div>
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Today, I'm supposed to be extremely pregnant. In fact, this week I would be 37 weeks, which is the gestational age at which Aiden was born. I should be packing bags, washing all of our new born clothes, and getting ready to bring Olivia home. It's extremely hard facing this month that was supposed to bring us so much joy, knowing that we won't be able to do any of that.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Lord my heart burns only for You</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">You are all You are all I want</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">And my soul waits only for You</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">And I will sing til the miracle comes</span></i></div>
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When you go through something so painful and tragic as grieving your child, you have two choices to make. You can either let it swallow and drown you, or you can learn to live. It's not an easy process, learning to live with loss, but I know what the end result is. The end result is being reunited with my WHOLE family in Heaven. It's being able to see and hold Olivia again. It's being comforted knowing that she is in Heaven, and is playing with all of the babies who have gone before her. Olivia Grace is just as much a part of our lives as Aiden is, and she always will be.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
<br />
This month will be a hard one for our family. October 25 will be here before we know it, and as it approaches, we just ask for prayers. It will be an extremely hard day in our home, as we know that this is the day we should have been bringing our baby girl home, had we made it full term. As hard as it has been and will be, I know that we will get through this.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Even when the morning comes</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I'll praise You</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Even when the fight is won</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>I'll praise You</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Even when my time on earth is done</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Louder then I'll sing your praise</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I will only sing Your Praise</span></i></div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Song: Even When It Hurts - Hillsong UNITED</div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg">https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg</a></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-91375003898391536622016-09-04T18:40:00.000-07:002016-09-04T19:40:33.506-07:00A New BeginningYou may read this title and automatically think I'm talking about the move... But, I'm not. When something traumatic happens in your life, such as loosing a child, you basically have to start over. It feels as if your <u>identity</u> has been wiped clean, and you are a completely different person. Lately, I've been doing a lot of studying on my identity.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Through waters uncharted my soul will embark</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>I'll follow your voice straight into the dark</i></span></div>
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Before we lost Olivia, when someone asked me who I was (my identity) I would reply that I live for my family. I am a mom and wife before all other things. I am a Christian, a daughter, a sister; I am me. When you lose someone close to you, there is a before and an after. There is a distinct difference between the two. It's almost as if your life stops and restarts. It's hard to remember what life was like before the pain of the loss, especially when it is your child you are grieving. My problem before, was that I was building my identity on things of this world.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">And if from the course You intend </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I depart</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Speak to the sails of my wondering heart</span></i></div>
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If you look up the word <u><i>identity</i></u>, it is defined as who someone is; the quality or beliefs that make a particular person different from others. Our identity is found in the distinct characteristics that set us apart from everyone and give us worth. Our identity is based on what our heart craves and loves the most. This is also what motivates and moves us. <br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Like the wind </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>You'll guide</i></span></div>
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Each of us want to matter and to take our place in the world; we want to know why our life counts and what sets us apart. We all have a need for a significant identity. While we all have this need, we also seem to at some point in our lives have an "identity crisis." This is because so often, we build our identity on things that move - things that aren't dependable or constant.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Clear the skies before me</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And I'll guide this open sea</i></span></div>
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When we try to find our significance and worth in ourselves and others, we will often find ourselves disappointed, upset, and hurt. We are an imperfect people; without the right foundation we are worthless. We have to build our worth on something that has value.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Like the stars </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="color: #cc0000;">Your Word </i></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Will align the voyage</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
In 1 Samuel 16:1-13, David receives a new identity. He goes from being a keeper of his father's sheep, to receiving the anointing of God in a moment. In verse 13 it says, "the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon David from that day forward." Each of us share the destiny and calling of David; we too have been rushed by the Spirit of God, and will rule as the sons and daughters of God. (Ephesians 1:11-14; 1 John 3:1)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And remind me where I've been</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And where I am going</i></span></div>
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If we allow our worth and significance to come from something so solid and eternal as God, we don't have to pretend when we are imperfect. We don't have to try and manage our image or pretend we are okay, when we are really broken. God's grace changes everything in defining who we are. 2 Corinthians 4:7 says, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." Christ's Spirit is the treasure inside of our broken life, he is moving and working in us in powerful and unique ways. Each jar of clay is shaped differently to hold His Spirit for different purposes. Each jar has unique marks, cracks, and broken places; but through these places, God shines through. The places where we feel most vulnerable in our identity, are the ones that are the most useful to God. He uses these unique places to show His glory.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Lost in the shadows amidst fear and fog </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Your trust is the compass that points me back north</i></span></div>
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When our value, self-worth, and identity comes from God, it can't be found in how we measure up. So whether you feel worthy or ashamed of your brokenness, know that it is God's character that gives us worth, not our own. We have been saved through our faith. (Ephesians 2:8-9)<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Jesus </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>My Captain</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>My soul's trusted Lord</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>All my allegiance is rightfully yours</i></span></div>
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We all have an insane calling, and an insane identity; we just have to accept it. We have to choose to build it on the right things.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Like the wind </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>You'll guide</i></span></div>
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For me, this is a hard thing to do. There are so many times that I hide behind Chase or even Aiden. I look at their callings, ministry, and lives and think that there is nothing that I can do to compare. However, we can't compare our calling or identity to others. We all have a unique identity, purpose, and calling.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Clear the skies before me</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And I'll guide this open sea</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
For so long, my identity has been based on other people. Before marriage, it was my family, then it was my marriage, then it was Aiden. When we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, I suddenly felt like I had a new identity to step into. I was going to be a mom to two under two. I started studying and researching how I could be a better mom to both of my children with both of them being so young. When we found out Olivia no longer had a heartbeat, that all came crashing down. It was as if my "clay" was thrown up against the wall. Everything suddenly changed in that moment.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Like the stars </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="color: #cc0000;">Your Word </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Will align the voyage</i></span></div>
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My identity now includes that I am a grieving mother. That includes the days that I dread facing. The times that I have to go hide in the bathroom because of a melt down. The things that trigger a memory that suddenly sends a spiral of emotions. The times that I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. It's a part of my identity that will always be there, and I am learning how to cope with. But, through this new identity comes a new ministry.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And remind me where I've been</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>And where I am going</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
This means that I am constantly broken, and there is no way to rebuild my new identity on anything except for Christ. It is through Him that I am able to face the hard days. He is the only thing that is constant in my life, and that has never been more clear than now.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Jesus </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>My Captain</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>My soul's trusted Lord</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>All my allegiance is rightfully yours</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><br /></i></span>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><a href="https://youtu.be/dfhy8COCrEc">https://youtu.be/dfhy8COCrEc</a></span></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-35265430960859865672016-08-18T18:56:00.002-07:002016-08-18T18:57:56.211-07:00The Why...<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you're like me, when you hear bad news about 5 million thoughts run through your mind. When we heard those awful, unforgettable words that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat, I was heart broken. I didn't know how to comprehend how this had happened. I had 5 million thoughts that ran through my head... Why? Did I do something to cause this? My body was supposed to protect her and be a safe place until she entered the world. Could I have prevented this? What did I do? </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I immediately assumed it was my fault. Even though in those first few words, the doctor told us, that often times there is no reason, and you never find out why, I still wanted a reason, a why...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkcbf9svEfuyVlYuhrftn9gaQ63y_bR_xy-wqvMQ4pnOg7yiRBR1xkNdO_6wWuAQJiEUeL3Ig-IQi2j8ZlXb7UqT8-1TDxNUh-CodHxeheBRZDnLn6kjCLe4clE4I_C7O_ulnuhKqzyf0/s1600/138a9f77848e517e33d6e2f21ea8baa4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkcbf9svEfuyVlYuhrftn9gaQ63y_bR_xy-wqvMQ4pnOg7yiRBR1xkNdO_6wWuAQJiEUeL3Ig-IQi2j8ZlXb7UqT8-1TDxNUh-CodHxeheBRZDnLn6kjCLe4clE4I_C7O_ulnuhKqzyf0/s320/138a9f77848e517e33d6e2f21ea8baa4.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After they gave us a few moments and told us the plan, the Dr. told us that they would check the placenta and umbilical cord to make sure there were no visible signs as to why this happened. He also wanted us to know that we may never know... When she was delivered, she was perfect. The cord was not around her neck, there were no knots, nothing was wrong. So, my last hope was there would be a sign in the placenta. The placenta was still attached so we knew that, that was not the cause. This is a common cause, especially when you are Pre-eclamptic or a prior history of Pre-eclampsia.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I finally delivered the placenta April was there with us, and with my last ray of hope, I asked her did she see anything. You could see the look in her eyes, she knew that I wanted a reason. But she said there was no signs of anything being wrong. She reassured me again that this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The blame game is a very easy one to get caught up it, especially for me. I am an over-thinker. I over analyze and get myself worked up over nothing. But in this situation it was different. During the time of us being in the hospital, one of the conversations I had with my mom and Chase was that we wanted to know why. They both kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but to go over the past few days with a magnifying glass over-analyzing every little thing. Did I pick Aiden up, our very big - 30 pound 1 year old, and hurt her? Did wearing Aiden in the Ergo on Thursday night cause me to cut off her oxygen? Did I take something I wasn't supposed to take? It may seem crazy to some, but I literally went through every detail. Had I missed something that I did? I told them both that we wanted and planned on having a big family, how can I have a big family or have any peace about having more kids, if I don't know what caused this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When Dr. Logan came in, on her day off I might add, she reassured me that there was nothing I did once again, and promised that she would do everything she could to see if we could find a cause.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> And she did...</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRd2QqyS1PSQmSIBnJAbEpYEKnW4bIqrNOOgiOqENIbDmdiXMPloDNVjNLnseRdJiNJ9VI3w13eLmDjHp7nIPcyUYKGotXOkUvhpxus5JlQGidM8nwHGkNqEw0rEyoY2mPxgVjhDhof24/s1600/75dfdc976004adb8b1a59db300e42a14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRd2QqyS1PSQmSIBnJAbEpYEKnW4bIqrNOOgiOqENIbDmdiXMPloDNVjNLnseRdJiNJ9VI3w13eLmDjHp7nIPcyUYKGotXOkUvhpxus5JlQGidM8nwHGkNqEw0rEyoY2mPxgVjhDhof24/s320/75dfdc976004adb8b1a59db300e42a14.jpg" width="248" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Logan told us that we could come in for our postpartum check up when we were ready. As long as I felt fine, and their were no obvious complications, it was ok to wait. We waited about a week and a half, before we called to set up the appointment. I didn't think it would get to me like it did, until we were called back. Amy took my vitals like always, but this time, with tears streaming down my face. When we went back to the room to wait for Dr. Logan, I composed myself and was ok. Originally we were going to let Aiden stay with my sister, but I decided that morning that I wanted him to go with us. I knew that he would be a "distraction" for me. If he was there I could worry about him, and not have to think about everything else. I'm so glad we took him! I probably would have been 100x worse, if he hadn't been there. Dr. Logan came in and talked with us for a few minutes, and told us that she was pretty aggravated. The postpartum nurses forgot to do the blood work she ordered before discharging us from the hospital. So, none of the lab results were in. She had explained to us in the hospital, that in some cases like mine, they have found that there is a gene mutation that can case things like pre-eclampsia, miscarriages, and stillborns. Since, they didn't do the lab work then, she gave us the option to do it now or at our 6 week appointment. She explained that it would be 10-12 vials of blood, so it could take a while. But, we wanted to know if this was our answer, we wanted to explore every possible cause. So, we decided that we wanted to go ahead and do it now, especially with the chance that we could be moving in a few weeks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Thankfully, the lab nurse was able to hit my vein on the first try, and I was actually bleeding. I have TERRIBLE veins. It has always been a struggle getting blood or IVs. My veins are small, very deep, and don't like to bleed. So, this was a big accomplishment. ;-) About 10 minutes and 11 vials later, we were done. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Aiden was getting restless, so Chase took him to the car while I finished up, and checked out. I was doing fine until I got to the check out counter. I asked her could I go ahead and set up my 6 week appointment now. She asked why I needed to come back at 6 weeks, and then asked did I have a miscarriage. My heart dropped. All I could say was, a stillborn. She just told me to call back to schedule when they call for my test results, so I left, of course with tears in my eyes. It was the first time I had actually said the words, and it took everything I could not to loose it right there. I held it together, and didn't breakdown like I thought I would, but the sting was still there. It was hard walking in knowing that I should still be pregnant, this was the week I was supposed to be doing my glucose test, but instead I'm there for a postpartum check-up. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Even though it didn't seem like it, I was proud of myself for holding it some-what together. However, w</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">hen I got in the car, it was a different story...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Logan called me a week later and told me the words we needed to hear, but didn't want. I have a gene mutation that puts me at a higher risk for blood clotting, especially during pregnancy. She explained that this can cause pre-eclampsia (like Aiden's pregnancy), miscarriages, and stillborns. Usually, this doesn't affect a pregnancy until later in the first or second trimester of pregnancy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I still didn't know what it was and what all it meant until a few days ago, </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">August 16th: Our 6 week check-up. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have Serpine 1/PAI 1 (Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor) 4G/4G. This gene inhibits </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>fibrinolysis</u> <span style="font-family: inherit;">-</span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"> the process that</span> prevents, and aids in the break down blood clots. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Logan explained it to us, and told us the steps in preventing something from happening in future pregnancies. Of course, I went home and did more research on it, because that's what I do. I wanted to better understand what it is, and know as much as I can about it. Basically, because I have this gene mutation I'm at a higher risk for blood clots all the time, but during pregnancy that risk steadily increases. At week 20 the chances of blood clots is double that of a "normal" woman, and those chances are tripled at full term. If a blood clot occurs during pregnancy, it cuts off the babies oxygen and nutrients, resulting in a miscarriage or stillborn. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, what does this mean for our future and the future of our family? I have to take a baby aspirin a day </span>for forever basically<span style="font-family: inherit;">, which makes me feel like I'm officially getting old. And, when we are ready for it, </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I will have to give myself a blood thinner shot daily once we get a positive pregnancy test</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">. </span>Doesn't that sound like fun?!</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While finding all of this out gives us closure and some peace, it didn't make me feel better, like I hoped it would. Before we found out that this was "it", I just assumed that finding out would take away some of the pain. That it would help me cope, with what happened, and stop playing the blame game. We have our reason as to "why" medically this happened, but we still don't know "why" it happened to us. I don't know "why" I have to deal with all of these issues with my body. Why do I have to deal with endometriosis, when I'm not pregnant, and now the worry of blood clots? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is so easy when you are hurting and vulnerable to just get down in the pits. To feel like it's one thing after another. While we got the answer that we hoped, a reason, it just didn't make things better. I'm still learning to cope with all of this, and understand that God is sovereign. He knows what's going on. He sees my pain, my worry, and my fears. He is holding us up, whether we see him or not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I still have moments of guilt, because it's still my body. While I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent this, it doesn't take the hurt away. My body is supposed to be a safe and secure place for a child to grow and develop. In this case, it was the opposite. {Not so} Ironically, my devotion the day we found out that this was indeed the cause happened to be on guilt. I have felt so guilty in this process. Even though, I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what was going to happen, it doesn't change the guilt. I keep asking myself, "What if I would have known that I have this mutation before her heart stopped beating?" Then I think to myself, that I could have stopped it. But, that's not the way things were meant to happen. If you believe in the sovereignty of God, then you have to believe that He is sovereign all of the time. He has a purpose, a reason, a will for everything that happens. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Through all of this, my mind keeps replaying the story of Job. If you are like me, and were raised in church, you have probably studied Job about 500 times.... Again, {not so} ironically, I did a blog on Job a while ago. Job went through so much, but still praised God. His faith never wavered. Before Job went through all of the devastation he endured, he was already known by God. God knew what was going on, even before Job. He saw it all before it happened, but God also knew what the future held. If Job was faithful, the other side was more than he could have ever imagined it to be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In another book I am reading, </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">Mending Tomorrow</i><span style="font-family: inherit;">, the author talks about how life is all about responses to the questions that are thrown at us. We can either choose to respond in a positive way and move forward, or the opposite. There is no doubt that life is going to throw us questions, our question was "how will they respond to death." While your question may be a different, we should all strive for the same response... To turn to Christ and choose to trust Him. James is very clear on how we are supposed view trials, with great joy (James 1:2-3). In the beginning, this seems like an impossible task, but if you are truly leaning on God, He will begin to work on your heart. The author explained, that turning negatives into positive responses, doesn't mean that we are turning negative situation into a positive one, it just means that we are choosing to respond in a way that creates a positive result. We can choose to fall into the pit or we can choose to trust God. One of the hardest parts for me has been letting go and trusting God. There are moments where it has been easy, and other times that I feel like I can't let go. In these moments, I have to choose which response I'm going to make. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There is nothing that happens to us that catches God by surprise. He sees beyond where you and I are today, and will help us move forward. This give me so much hope and peace for our future. I am clinging to Him and His promises, and so far He hasn't let me down. He has gone above and beyond. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">In the past month, we have experienced so much yet God has been faithful every single step of the way.</span></div>
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Olivia Grace has changed us in so many ways, and we like to think she has been helping God show up big time in our lives. ;-) I can't even begin to list all the things that we have always hoped for, but never imagined would happen, that have. He truly is the God of miracles. </div>
<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-57026566280806818352016-08-12T20:44:00.002-07:002016-08-12T20:44:48.564-07:00Our Tattoos...<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Tattoos are such a taboo subject in the south. You either love them or hate them. We didn't really have a preference on them, until we had a reason to get one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Our before picture</span></div>
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After Olivia passed, we talked about getting something in tribute of her. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We will <i><u>NEVER</u></i> forget our baby girl, and her life has changed us in so many ways, but we wanted to do something special for her. Something that would last until we were with her again. We talked about it, prayed about it, researched it, and sought out Godly wisdom on them. We both have so much peace and happiness from the designs we choose. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;"><b>The story behind mine...</b></span></div>
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I searched and searched for a cool design or something "different" that would remind me daily of my baby girl. Every thing I looked at just didn't seem "good enough." At first, I talked about getting her foot prints, but I just didn't like the way that looked; and it would be easy for people to assume they were Aiden's. I wanted something that not only reminded me of Olivia and the impact her life has made, but that would also give me a reason to share our story. </div>
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I was doing my quiet time, and reading my book, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" [Which has helped me tremendously, and I believe I came across it at the exact moment God wanted me to in Barnes and Noble.] when something stood out to me. Her name. The devotional for that day was on not being afraid to say your child's name. It talked about how to some, saying the name may make them feel uncomfortable, but by calling their name, it is refusing to let their life be forgotten and aids in the healing process. It went on to talk about how God knew your child's name, before you even named that child. </div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;">"But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, he who formed you: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1</span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;">"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15-16</span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;">"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13</span></div>
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One of my fears, has been that life will just "go on" as it was before. That Olivia will be forgotten, as though she never existed. Reading this brought into perspective that no matter what happens, who knows, who doesn't know, who forgets, who remembers... The One who spoke the Earth into creation, not only knows my baby's name, He knows her. For me, her name means everything. We choose the perfect name for our baby girl, because we wanted it to have the perfect meaning. While I was pregnant we searched and searched for a name that we not only loved, but that also held power in it's meaning. God knew what the future held, and he knew that the meaning of her name would get us through these dark times. He knew exactly what we needed.</div>
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This gave me the idea for the perfect tattoo... Her name. There is nothing that means more to me, than her name... Olivia Grace. It is a daily reminder of the peace and grace that we have received in the darkest of times. It is a reminder of my precious, perfect baby girl. It is a reminder that God's Will be done, and the He knows best. It is a reminder that God is not done with us yet, and that He has the final say.</div>
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I immediately knew that I wanted my tattoo on my arm. As a mom, you look forward to being able to hold and love on your kids all the time. I'm able to carry Aiden in my arms (right now) whenever I want. I was only able to hold Olivia in my arms for a few moments, before she was taken away. My heart aches with such longing to hold my baby girl in my arms; to be able to wrap her up, and kiss her forehead. Because she no longer lives on this Earth, her name and story is all I have. By getting her name tattoo'd on my arm is my way to always carry her with me, even when I can not physically carry her.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The blue at the top, is from when I was deciding on where to place it. ;-)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Chase could probably write this, and explain his way better than I can, but I will try and explain it, however, I advise you to ask him when you see him. :-) </span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Chase wanted something that was dedicated to our baby girl, but that also had a double meaning. He wanted something that would make people ask what his tattoo meant. So, that is what he got. :-) We both love his design, and Shane did an awesome job of turning his idea into an awesome piece. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDS723J9WjnkJihrgdQbwevoAqjVRxMz1LYnNCBhKAHhrmdV68h_RD4h545M2BE_XU90VbC3Y4gt6LarLwpnc5WYWrv6iXIr0x6flCifZ0domMAyiEQGkhiteQaO5LygO1UGouAxu0h2M/s1600/IMG_5882.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDS723J9WjnkJihrgdQbwevoAqjVRxMz1LYnNCBhKAHhrmdV68h_RD4h545M2BE_XU90VbC3Y4gt6LarLwpnc5WYWrv6iXIr0x6flCifZ0domMAyiEQGkhiteQaO5LygO1UGouAxu0h2M/s1600/IMG_5882.JPG" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">His tattoo uses the Greek lettering of Alpha (his right) and Omega (his left), Chi (the X) and Rho (the P). Chi and Rho are the first two letter of Christ in Greek. Alpha means the beginning, and Omega means the ending. The "leaves" around the crest are olive branches. The name Olivia literally means olive tree. In the bible an olive tree or olive branches, are a symbol of peace. (Read the story of Noah) So, if you put the whole tattoo together, it means that Christ is both the beginning and ending of all peace. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Chase's explanation is that Christ is the source of his peace, it is found only in Him. The olive branches, have a double meaning, because of what Olivia's name means, they are also a tribute to her. They are surrounding the letters, because it is through her that we have been able to find true peace through Him. </span></div>
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Our tattoos are a constant reminder of our baby girl, and the goodness of our God. We absolutely love them, and are so proud of them. <u>It gives me hope and oh, so much joy</u>!<br />
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-78072462652874500112016-08-08T12:20:00.001-07:002016-08-08T12:20:39.798-07:00Thy Will...<div style="font-size: 13px;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Thy will be done... That is something that I'm sure many of us had prayed, sang, and trusted in. Thy (God's) will be done. What does that mean? What is God's will?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here is what the bible says about God's will..</span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>1. "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>2. "Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20-21</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>3. "Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15-17</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>4. "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>5. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that be testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>It's even in the Lord's prayer...</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>6. "....your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..." Matthew 6:10</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>This is what Jesus said was his will, his purpose...</i></span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #e06666;">7. "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day." John 6:38-40</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">So what is God's will? </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I believe that while we do have the choice of free will, each of us have a certain "purpose" on this Earth. We have to make the choice to fulfill that "purpose" or "will". </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> The first choice we make towards fulfilling His will for our lives is whether or not we will choose Him.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> His will is that His children love Him and seek Him. Without Him, we are nothing. There is no "will" or "purpose" without the Sovereignty of God.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength... Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The very first thought I had, after coming to the realization that our Olivia was gone, was "God, how can this be your will." In my mind, in that moment, God had taken away my baby girl. He had crushed my hopes and dreams. Throughout this process of grief and healing, I have often repeated that same question. I just don't understand how this can be a part of His plan. How can God allow us to hurt this much? I have read so many scriptures, testimonies, blogs, and several devotions and still haven't come up with an answer. I don't think that we will ever truly understand why this happened on this earth, but we can have hope. We can lean on God and trust that his will is the best. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">He is Sovereign. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">He is God and I am not... </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">He is the God of miracles... His life is flowing through my veins... He has given us promise after promise, and he will not fail us. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid." Psalm 46:1-2</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Do you now know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" 1 </span>Corinthians<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 3:16</span></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">By clinging to God's promises, we feel safe and secure, protected, and led. He is our refuge. In Him, we can find comfort. We can find peace. We can find strength. We can find true joy and happiness again. In Him, his will, will be revealed. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>I stand before You now</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>The greatness of your renown</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">While I don't have all the answers, and still don't understand why this happened to us, I do see the affect it has had. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">It has been through much prayer and studying, that I have realized that God did not take away my baby girl, He saved her. As much as I want Olivia Grace here on this earth with me, she is in heaven. I'm sure if she had the choice, she would choose to stay there, and I couldn't blame her. She will never experience the kind of heartache that I have, she gets to live in heaven for eternity with our Savior. She drew the big straw, she gets the better end of the deal. Her life has purpose, and has brought so much joy to our lives. She has changed us. And I like to think that she is helping God align the path for our family. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>King of Heaven, in humility, I bow</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">A few days after the passing of Olivia Grace, Chase got an unexpected email. Before everything happened, we had been praying about God's will for our lives and family. We wanted more out of life. We want(ed) so bad to make an impact for the kingdom, and it just didn't feel like we were doing that where we are. We talked and prayed about whether or not we felt like this opportunity was something that we wanted to pursue. At first, I had so many emotions and was broken about it. (I was already broken enough without adding anything else on top of that.) It seemed like this was the perfect opportunity, but I didn't understand why now. I was scared. I was scared that if we made any decisions, that we were choosing to move on, and I wasn't ready. I was not ready to "get over" the fact that I had just lost a child. Now seemed like the most unconventional, and worst time for God to start answering prayers. Especially, when we just cried out to him a few days ago to make our baby girl move. In my selfish mind, I felt like if He was going to answer any prayers, it should have been that one. If you can't tell, I was mad at God... I felt like this was all His fault. I kept thinking, "How am I supposed to pray about a decision that could ultimately separate me from my baby girl." If we stay where we are, we are only 10 minutes away from where she lays "sleeping." It was during all of this, that God broke my heart even more, but in a totally different way. My sweet, loving, Godly husband snapped me out of it... And I will never forget his words... "This is going to make you cry and it is going to upset you, but I have to say it. She is not there. Her body is there, but she is not, and you know it. No matter where we go she will be with us. We will never forget her." He was right, and the flood gates opened. He said I couldn't let fear of leaving because this is where she is buried stand in the way of what God wants. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">He said we didn't have to make a decision right this second, but made me promise to pray about it. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I sat on my couch, holding Aiden, crying and praying most of the afternoon. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>As Your love, in wave after wave</b></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><b>Crashes over me, crashes over me</b></i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn't pray for an answer, I just prayed for peace. "If this is your will, </span>give<span style="font-family: inherit;"> me peace." That's all I wanted. That's all I needed. Peace. Remember from my previous blog, Olivia means a symbol of peace. :-) </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa;">While I was crying out to the Lord, basically begging for peace, it was like a wave overcame me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>For You are for us</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>You are not against us</b></i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">God can give you unexplainable peace. Before all of this happened, I struggled with anxiety almost daily. I have anxiety attacks, which are easier to hide, but make me feel like I'm dying on the inside. I usually just work myself up to that point, and I have no idea why. So, having peace is always something that I've struggled with. Not that I don't trust God, I've just let fear get in the way in my peace. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm off of all anxiety medicine now, because I am not, but I can tell you that I have more peace now than I have ever had. God has used everything that has happened to work on certain areas in my life, and this is a big one! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chase text me and asked if it was a thumbs up or thumbs down on my end, because he needed to know what I was feeling. I sent him a thumbs up. I had my answer, and the reassurance I needed from the one who holds the future. I still had a lot of questions, and some fear, but I had to trust in God's will, and that He would work everything out for us. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>Champion of Heaven</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>You made a way for all to enter in</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While we have prayed over every position we've ever taken, this one was different. The prayer and thinking that went into this decision was more than any other. Our life is different now. For one, we are moving for the first time with a child, but we also just had to bury a child. My fear was that people would think that we were taking this position to try and run away from what happened. I told Chase before we left for our visit, that I was scared people would think or say that. And some have... As much as I wish there were, the is absolutely no way to run from the pain of losing a child. It is not something you can run or get away from. That child is always with you. Olivia will be with us no matter where we are. {Call me what you want, but every time I say that or think that the song "He Lives in You" from The Lion King plays in my head. (I admit that I am a Disney Junkie and have an obsession with all things Disney, and am proud of it.) But, it's the truth! Just change He to She...} This decision was not a spur of the moment decision, because of what we were going through. This decision has been prayed over, thought over, and we have sought out the Lord's will.</span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>I have heard You calling my name</b></span></i></div>
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<i style="font-size: 13px;"><i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>I have heard the song of love that You sing</b></span></i></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is no secret that we LOVE Disney, but our love for Disney goes further than just Disney. Every time we've gone to Disney, we have fallen more in love with the area and location (Orlando). During all of our prayers and seeking, we have talked about and prayed that God would put an area on our heart. When we began praying for our ministry, and where God might lead us next, we wanted to not only have a heart for the church, but also the city. This was something that we had never prayed before. Before, we only focused on the church. While the church is so very important, we believe that you also need a heart for the community. How are you supposed to minister to the community, if you don't have a heart for it? </span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>Into Your grace</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>Your grace</b></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When we took our last trip to Disney in late May-early June, it was just Chase and I. We talked about how we both such a heart for that area. We also talked about how amazing it would be to do this all the time, to be able to raise our kids there. It was only a few days after we left, that the shooting happened in Orlando. We both literally ached for the community. To us, it almost felt like "home." </span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You call me out beyond the shore into the waves</b></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I say all of this, to show you that God will give you the desires of your heart. He will bless you far more than you've ever imagined. In all of our pain that we faced, we never imagined that on opportunity like this was waiting just around the corner. When it didn't seem like it, He was listening to our prayers. He was preparing us for His ministry. </span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>No fear can hinder now the love that made a way</b></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We went on July 22-25 to "try out" and formally interview for the position. I say "we" but ultimately it was Chase. We both fell in love with the area, the church, the vision, and the possibilities. It was everything that we had prayed for. The church is in Altamonte Springs, Florida, which is just outside of Orlando... It is approximately 30 miles to the entrance gate of Magic Kingdom, according to google maps. ;-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I like to think that Olivia had a hand in this move and opportunity. Everything has lined up perfectly for us. We had initially planned on getting involved in a support group that is located in Montgomery, before we decided to take this position. They take summers off, and start back in August, so we were having to wait until they started back with their monthly meetings. We have recently found out that there is not only a huge support group for people who like us, have experienced the loss of infants, but there are also a few people in the church who have a very similar story to ours.</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>You make me brave</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;"><b>No fear can hinder now the promises you made</b></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">As much as we would have never chosen this path of grief and loss, it has completely changed our lives and our ministry. There are so many people that we will now be able to connect with and show the love and grace of Christ, that we would have never been able to minister too before this. We are so excited to see what God has in store for us, and for His ministry. He is making me brave, and calming all of our fears. He is still working and changing me, for His glory. He is continually revealing His will for us. Seek Him, and you will find Him.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Look out Disney, here we come!! :-)</span><br />
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-29644595846868017322016-08-04T14:07:00.000-07:002016-08-04T14:08:42.024-07:00Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 2<div style="color: #222222; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This blog will be much different than any I have ever written. Although I haven't written much in the past, this is something I feel lead to do given with the events that have taken place in my life in the past month. I feel like I have to do this. I need to let my voice be heard, in honor of my baby girl. If you haven't read Part 1, I encourage you to do so before reading any further.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just to add a disclaimer, I am going to go into few of the details of the birth and death of our little girl, because it is all a part of our story. Without all the details, it isn't really our story, it's just a version of the story.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><b>The One who made the blind to see </b></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me</b></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121216" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Monday, July 4th</span></span> -</b> The worst day of my life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121217" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">July 4th</span></span> for most is a day of celebration. You get to enjoy fireworks, usually good food, and sometimes even parades. For us, <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121218" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">July 4th</span></span> will <u>never</u> be the same. I was ready to get labor over, but I wasn't ready for it. It was a mixture of emotions. I knew that after I delivered, there was no going back. Even though, she had already passed, Olivia wasn't officially dead until she was born. And I would no longer be pregnant. While we were there, I told Chase several times that I just wanted to go home. If we were home, none of this was happening.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Today, I was exactly 24 weeks along. Although my pregnancy had been perfect up to this point, I dreaded week 24. The closer it got, the more anxious I became. At 24 weeks with Aiden, I started having signs of pre-eclampsia; high blood pressure and severe swelling. I was scared that this pregnancy would be the same. I had no idea, that in the pregnancy, I would be getting ready to deliver at week 24.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Early that morning, around 2 am, I had finally progressed to 6 centimeters. My nurse, Devon, suggested that I roll onto my left side, because sometimes that speeds up the progress. They only really expected me to make it to 7, and then be able to deliver because of how small Olivia was. After helping me get onto my side, because half of my body was numb, Devon left the room for us to rest. I was in and out of sleep for a while, before I woke up in <u>a lot</u> of pain. I woke Chase up and told him he needed to help me roll back over and sit up because I was hurting. During all of that my mom also woke up from a very short cat nap. The nurses and Dr. kept telling me that when I felt pressure, I needed to let them know. Because I had a c-section with Aiden, I was unsure of what I should be feeling, and what was normal. We determined that this was definitely the pressure they were talking about, and not just a contraction. So, my mom went and told Devon. She came in to check, and by a miracle, I was complete. I had made it to 10 centimeters. When she said that, the flood gates opened, and the heaviness set it. The room fell silent.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><b><i>The One who made the deaf to hear</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><b><i>Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Devon went to call the doctor and let him know that we were ready. She came back in with the delivery table and got everything set up. I asked for one more dose of pain medicine before we started pushing, because the feeling was starting to come back. I was scared that this delivery was going to end up like Aiden's, and the epidural would wear off completely. We waited for what seemed like an eternity for Dr. Lawhon to come in. Once he finally got there, we still had to wait a few more minutes before the anesthesiologist came in with the medicine. The whole time we waited, we all sat in complete silence. There was nothing to say, nothing to do. We all knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing that was going to change it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I kept praying in those silent moments for God to give me strength. I was completely terrified, devastated, and broken. I didn't want to do this, and I didn't think I could. I wanted to take the easy way out. I kept thinking that a c-section would be so much easier. They could just put me to sleep, and I wouldn't have to worry about any of it. I am so <u>thankful</u> that they did not do that, and that I was able to deliver naturally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Once the anesthesiologist came in and re-dosed the medicine, Dr. Lawhon said we would wait a few minutes for the medicine to kick in. I was so ready for it all to be done, but was not ready for it to happen. After another 10 minutes that felt like eternity, we got everything and everyone into position. Chase was on my right, and my mom on my left. The Dr. said hopefully it will only take a few pushes, but explained that I would have to push. After the first push, I broke. I told them I couldn't do it, the truth is I could do it. I knew I could do it, but I <u>did not</u> want to. I <u>did not</u> want to do this. I <u>did not</u> want to be there. I <u>was not</u> ready for it to be over. I wasn't ready to come face to face with reality. Chase and my mom reassured me that I could do it. And with one more push, she was born.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121219" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">July 4th at 3:50 am</span></span>, Olivia Grace Hawsey was born sleeping, weighing 1 pound and 4 ounces and she was 14 inches long.</i> She looked just like her big brother, and was absolutely perfect in every way.</span></div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUjhr8-5kK-yyb1QMzfOMXnC_mU9v53QSF0PYG07TDBJ7gkywGn0q8XMeSI0n9vgS-P-BIIhToTQ56eZQkY3V_hlytS2f7dHpwfnElMc2K3sChTIHP-lrg7MJ4fGDOKrYOMJfQMWqrFy8/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg&source=gmail&ust=1470428350101000&usg=AFQjCNEwA4MAHFJmWrIUOkoaamx4mNWIJA" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUjhr8-5kK-yyb1QMzfOMXnC_mU9v53QSF0PYG07TDBJ7gkywGn0q8XMeSI0n9vgS-P-BIIhToTQ56eZQkY3V_hlytS2f7dHpwfnElMc2K3sChTIHP-lrg7MJ4fGDOKrYOMJfQMWqrFy8/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" style="color: #1155cc; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUjhr8-5kK-yyb1QMzfOMXnC_mU9v53QSF0PYG07TDBJ7gkywGn0q8XMeSI0n9vgS-P-BIIhToTQ56eZQkY3V_hlytS2f7dHpwfnElMc2K3sChTIHP-lrg7MJ4fGDOKrYOMJfQMWqrFy8/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Devon had asked prior if we wanted to hold her after she was born, or if we wanted her to go dress her and bring her back, or what we wanted to do. The hospital has a thing called a Cuddle Cot for stillborn babies. It holds the baby and keeps it cool, so that the baby can stay with the parents for longer, if they wanted. We decided that we wanted to hold her after she was born, and then get pictures of her. I felt like if we kept her with us the whole time in a cuddle cot, I would only make the situation worse, and make myself sick.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They handed our baby girl to me. She was so tiny, but so precious. We sat there for a few minutes holding each other, and crying over our baby girl. And then just like that, she was gone...</span></div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2-YZgyKmEWwkz1HaNiDn17Rrge1wZq2iBlvAWQd3vlZUBTxQLMhEocxWvn7M5n59cyy3x2EPGjvdbr6u-HbTbfNfXW3kIPVyBAcfR_AbtD5rhJaDxwbJm1sg8a0Z6FShzv7t99TvmfYs/s1600/IMG_6849.JPG&source=gmail&ust=1470428350101000&usg=AFQjCNGNN-V0RHrFBBZ81klrbEIFf-_l2g" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2-YZgyKmEWwkz1HaNiDn17Rrge1wZq2iBlvAWQd3vlZUBTxQLMhEocxWvn7M5n59cyy3x2EPGjvdbr6u-HbTbfNfXW3kIPVyBAcfR_AbtD5rhJaDxwbJm1sg8a0Z6FShzv7t99TvmfYs/s1600/IMG_6849.JPG" style="color: #1155cc; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2-YZgyKmEWwkz1HaNiDn17Rrge1wZq2iBlvAWQd3vlZUBTxQLMhEocxWvn7M5n59cyy3x2EPGjvdbr6u-HbTbfNfXW3kIPVyBAcfR_AbtD5rhJaDxwbJm1sg8a0Z6FShzv7t99TvmfYs/s320/IMG_6849.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because everything happened so early, my placenta was not ready to come out. If we couldn't get it to loosen, I would have to have surgery. So, once again they upped my dosage of Cytotec, and said it would take more time. However, I finally felt some relief, but the brokenness remained.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Before Brittany left on the 3rd, she told us what nurses were on schedule for the 4th, because she was off. She wanted us to pick who we wanted, so that we would be comfortable with who would be with us. We gave her 2 names without hesitation, April and Lisa. Both April and Lisa were there for us during Aiden's delivery. Lisa was our nurse, but April was also with us for the majority of the time. Lisa got put on call, so April came to our rescue at shift change. For a nurse to willingly take on a case like ours, is a big deal. If I was a nurse, I would dread having me as a patient. All of our nurses were absolutely amazing, but April is my angel, she was God sent. She cried with me, prayed with me, took care of me, and had the biggest impact on me. She also has a little boy just a few months younger than Aiden, we had exchanged clothes and advice several times. ;-) So we already knew April, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be anyone else, we could just be ourselves with her. Chase kept joking that if I could just make it to shift change, April would give me whatever I wanted, not that any of the other nurses didn't, but it would be different with her. And he was so right...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When April came in, you could see the heaviness on her face and that she was fighting the tears. To have a nurse who hurts with you and truly cares for you is like a ray of hope. In such a dark situation, we needed that hope. She told me that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently, and that Olivia was just too perfect for this world. (I can still hear and see her saying those exact words.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0xHZw7mLqlyvY8H7hvnFTUxbfQ4LnZKKR6QaoXyehwXDEouPFpY5mtt0TQHmUfTMutqbhpcOKUMVpbg3oZYcL_e4RDD2K2q_SIUGl00v-4UuDuaA2GYC75fiUWUmE0MCxWzYREEN9W2c/s1600/IMG_6848.JPG&source=gmail&ust=1470428350101000&usg=AFQjCNEMWf2n9AXfBua8Pc8XMS02JrOnlw" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0xHZw7mLqlyvY8H7hvnFTUxbfQ4LnZKKR6QaoXyehwXDEouPFpY5mtt0TQHmUfTMutqbhpcOKUMVpbg3oZYcL_e4RDD2K2q_SIUGl00v-4UuDuaA2GYC75fiUWUmE0MCxWzYREEN9W2c/s1600/IMG_6848.JPG" style="color: #1155cc; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0xHZw7mLqlyvY8H7hvnFTUxbfQ4LnZKKR6QaoXyehwXDEouPFpY5mtt0TQHmUfTMutqbhpcOKUMVpbg3oZYcL_e4RDD2K2q_SIUGl00v-4UuDuaA2GYC75fiUWUmE0MCxWzYREEN9W2c/s320/IMG_6848.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">April went and dressed Olivia in a precious dress and bonnet, and took a few pictures for us. They also put together a memory box for us that holds everything in it; her gown and bonnet, footprints, pictures, a card from all the nurses, her hospital bracelet, and several other things. Everything was absolutely perfect, and we are so appreciative for such an amazing hospital staff. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After several checks to see if it was ready, we were able to deliver the placenta later that afternoon. Thankfully, no surgery. We were then moved to postpartum, and away from our favorite nurses... but this meant I could get a shower and walk around. When April got us to the room, she told me to text her if I needed anything or if they weren't giving me something. She then asked if she could pray with me. I don't think anyone in the room avoided tears...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Later that afternoon my mom left so that she could get some rest and a shower. Since everything happened so suddenly, none of us had been able to get showers, grab clothes, or anything. We all basically came to the hospital straight from Aiden's party. None of us were prepared for any of this. Shortly after she left, my dad and sister got there with Aiden, Lilly Kate, and Amelia. We were so glad to see Aiden, but my heart broke even more on the inside. Seeing him with other kids, hurt more than I thought it would. He wouldn't get to meet his sister, or run around and play with her like he did LK. I was looking forward to watching Aiden and Olivia grow up together, and now that dream was crushed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While they were there, a lady came in for us to sign the birth/death certificate. We weren't really sure what was going on, until she proceeded talking about it. So, we asked that Lauren and AJ take the kids out for a few minutes so that we could fill out all the information. I wasn't sure how it would work, and if would we have to fill out both a birth and death certificate. However, instead of getting both, you get a certificate of birth for a stillborn.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After she left, we let the everyone come back in for a few minutes while AJ went to go get Chase and I supper. And then they left to go catch some fireworks. They are definitely brave to take 3 kids - a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a 3 week old - to watch fireworks. ;-)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They had given us the option to either stay the night again, or be released, since I wasn't having any issues. We decided that we would feel more comfortable staying one more night. I didn't want to end up back in the hospital, like we did after Aiden's birth. After everyone left, and we were done eating, we asked the nurse if she could give me something to help me sleep. She came back with some medicine, and for the first time I actually truly slept since hearing the news.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><b><i>I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles</i></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Tuesday, July 5th - </b>Leaving empty handed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When you're in the hospital, you don't really "wake up," its more like you are in and out of sleep, nurses are coming in and out, you are getting medicine every 4 hours, and then there is shift change. That's how it was for most of the morning. We knew that a few things were going to happen on this day... First, Wayne would come and meet the Chaplin to get our baby girl and take her to the funeral home. Second, we would be released to go home. When Wayne got there I couldn't help but to start crying. Even though Olivia wasn't with us, her body was still in the same place we were. When Wayne got there, it hit me that her body was going to be taken away. I wouldn't get another chance to hold her in this life. There was no going back. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After we got everything situated, and Wayne left, we just sat there. We had to wait several hours to be discharged, because I'm O negative, we had to wait on test results to see if I needed a RHOgam shot. Once we found out that I did indeed need the shot, we had to wait for them to figure out the dosage and how many shots I would need. Dr. Logan called and said that I needed FIVE shots, and I could only receive 2 doses at a time. If you're O- and a woman, you know how a RHOgam shot is... It is not a fun shot to receive. Thankfully, because Dr. Logan is amazing, she said that we could take the shots at home and let Chase's mom give them to me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Most of the time we spent waiting, we were silent. We didn't want to go home. We didn't want to face the reality of what had happened. We didn't want to face people. While we were at the hospital, we were in a bubble. No one could come and see us without our permission. Everyone who came in, knew what happened and were extremely sensitive to the situation. When we finally got released, we asked if they would just let me walk. I didn't want to have to ride in a wheel chair. If I walked, I felt like that would give me something to think about, and it would allow me to have some sense of dignity. We ended up with the same postpartum nurse that we had with Aiden, so she let me walk. She walked with us to the door, and then we said our goodbyes. I was ok until we got to the doors. When we walked through those double doors, I fell apart. It was like my whole body just stopped and I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, my heart physically hurt, and I felt like I was drowning. I should be leaving the hospital with my baby girl, but we were leaving empty handed.</span></div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb91NBwLxEskfsG7lpyeCjw3f11LBrG4FVkQ2jIPfcA-yTaPnQhmtzJT7pSRJQU8itbFG3blJfO0pVdLMSF52VpPW6NCKYm2kRQlSinEO6P_lLL9dG4ncZQkQoUsEhNYfP6VMw891xC60/s1600/FullSizeRender-2.jpg&source=gmail&ust=1470428350101000&usg=AFQjCNFgkcwAGm-YeDmbJ5b7jPP_nhDRPQ" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb91NBwLxEskfsG7lpyeCjw3f11LBrG4FVkQ2jIPfcA-yTaPnQhmtzJT7pSRJQU8itbFG3blJfO0pVdLMSF52VpPW6NCKYm2kRQlSinEO6P_lLL9dG4ncZQkQoUsEhNYfP6VMw891xC60/s1600/FullSizeRender-2.jpg" style="color: #1155cc; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb91NBwLxEskfsG7lpyeCjw3f11LBrG4FVkQ2jIPfcA-yTaPnQhmtzJT7pSRJQU8itbFG3blJfO0pVdLMSF52VpPW6NCKYm2kRQlSinEO6P_lLL9dG4ncZQkQoUsEhNYfP6VMw891xC60/s320/FullSizeRender-2.jpg" width="247" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I cried most of the ride home. We stopped and got lunch, even though I could barely eat anything. I just kept telling Chase that it wasn't fair, and that it sucked. I don't know how many times I've said those words in the past month. I just didn't understand how something like this could happen to people like us, we are in ministry. I felt like God had turned his back on us. He could have saved Olivia. There was a part of me that was mad at Him, but the majority of it was that I was completely broken. I told Chase that I have always told myself that I could never go through a miscarriage or anything like that, because I could not handle it. I have always had the most respect for people who have miscarried or lost children, because I could not imagine their pain. I now know that pain. We talked about how we have never experienced pain with crying, but when you cry over the death of your child, it literally and physically hurts. It is an ache that I wish on <u>no one</u>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When we got home my, dad was there with Aiden. He and my sister tag teamed keeping Aiden, and cleaning our house. We are so, so grateful for our family and friends! They have been amazing in helping us, keeping Aiden, and going above and beyond for us. Chase unloaded the few things we had in the car, and we both came in for hugs and love from baby Aiden. Shortly after we had been home my mom came over, followed by Chase's parents, and then two of our close friends who brought us a few groceries. Bringing groceries may not seem like a big deal, but when you live in a small town, you are thankful for people who offer to go get what you need.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Everyone stayed and talked for a while, and we went over the final details for the graveside service <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121220" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">on Wednesday</span></span>. My mom was the last one to leave, and she stayed until we were ready for bed. After she left, I laid in my bed and cried. From our room, the room that you see was supposed to be Olivia's. All of the things that we had bought her were in that room. Although, we hadn't bought a ton of stuff yet, I had already had an idea of how I wanted her room decorated and arranged. In that room, was supposed to be where my baby girl slept. Now, it is where all we have "left" of her is. I eventually dosed off...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">The One who does impossible is<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Reaching out to make me whole<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Reaching out to make me whole</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Wednesday, July 6th - </b>A day of solitude.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was such a weird day at our house. The weather was yucky, it was cloudy and rainy for the majority of the day. Even Aiden wasn't quite acting like himself. We woke up that morning with such a heaviness. I couldn't imagine how I was about to get through what we were about to do. The clock seemed to be moving so slowly, and I was just ready to get it all over with. We were dreading having to go to our baby's funeral. I kept thinking to myself, how in the world was I going to hold it together. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be picking out what my one year old is going to wear to his baby sister's funeral. I should still be pregnant, not wearing a dress that I couldn't wear 3 days ago.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We decided that we would arrive at the graveside as close to <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121221" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">2:00</span></span> as we could, that way, hopefully, no one would come up to us. We didn't want to talk to anyone. We didn't want to be there. We didn't want to be at our daughter's funeral. Even though we are so thankful for the people who came, and the love that was shown to us, in that moment, we didn't want to face anyone. We didn't know how to process what we were going through. When the clock finally hit <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121222" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">1:45</span></span>, we decided it was time to leave. The ten minute car ride seemed to take forever, and I couldn't fight back the tears anymore. I cried the whole way there. I told Chase that I'm 24, I have had to go through more things than some 50 year olds have never thought of facing. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When we pulled up, I lost it, again. I didn't want to face people, I didn't think I could. They saved us a parking spot right by the burial spot, so that I wouldn't have to walk far, but I felt like everyone was starring at us. It was a moment of pure vulnerability. Mrs. Carolyn, the funeral director, was so kind and compassionate. She met us at the car with an umbrella, and told me to take my time. We sat there for a few minutes until I was ready to get out. I kept praying for God to give me strength, I needed help to make it through. There was nothing like walking up and seeing that tiny white casket laying in front of me, knowing it was holding my baby girl.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">The One who put death in its place<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />His life is flowing through my veins<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />His life is flowing through my veins</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I honestly don't remember anything that was said at the small service we had. I do, however, remember the faces. I remember the looks, the pity, the expressions that said "I know where you've been," and the ones that said "I'm so thankful I didn't have to go through this." We told our Pastor that we wanted to keep it short, because we knew that there was nothing that really needed to be said. We knew where our baby girl was, and there was nothing that could be said to make it "better." We buried Olivia Grace with her Minnie lovey and our hearts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few people made the comment that we were saying our "final goodbye" to her that day. I absolutely <i><u>HATED</u></i> that. I wanted to scream so bad that it was <u>not</u> our final goodbye. How can I say goodbye to my baby before I even get to say "hello" or "I love you"? How can I say goodbye when I know I will see her again? How can I say goodbye to someone that I would give my life to bring back? I will not say goodbye, because she lives. She is with us. I see her everywhere, and think about her constantly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life.." </span></i><i>John <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121223" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">3:36</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” </i><i>Matthew <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121224" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">19:14</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;"><i>"For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” </i><i>Acts <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121225" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">2:39</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Although we do not understand why this happened, God knew. He holds the future. We can survive this tragedy, because we believe in a Sovereign God. He is all knowing and all powerful. We lean on the hope that we will see our Olivia Grace again. It will be such a sweet moment to pick up my baby girl and be able to kiss her sweet forehead, like i do her big brother every night. </span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit;">"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121226" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">1:17</span></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i><b>Everyday is a new and different day...</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b>The day after the funeral, July 7th, was our 3rd Anniversary. Chase decided that we needed to get out of the house, I was not convinced. I knew that staying home wouldn't do me or him any good, and with everything that he had done for me the past few days, I decided that I would give in. We decided to go to Destin for the day. We went shopping, ate, and went to see <i>The Legend of Tarzan</i> (which is an amazing movie). I did much better than I thought I would for the majority of the day. I was scared that I was going to break down or have a panic attack in the middle of a crowd. Thankfully, I only had one moment where I had to leave a store, but for the most part, I held it together except for in the car.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The first week was extremely hard, especially <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121227" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Saturday</span></span>, <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121228" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Monday</span></span>, and <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121229" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Wednesday</span></span>. Grief, especially grief of a child, is hard. The first week all I could think about was what happened. I was so mad and upset. I hated that this happened to me. I didn't want this to be my life. I was supposed to have the "perfect" family. But, when you have other kids (or a one year old), it is especially hard. You can't sit and dwell, you have to be ok. I had to be strong not only for Aiden, but also for Olivia. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Her life has meaning and purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 still holds truth, even if she is not on this earth. We have talked several times about how we don't want her life to be for nothing, and it isn't. If no body else is changed though all of this, we are. We are different. Our relationship is different, we are different parents, our ministry is different, we see everything differently now. When you face something as awful as death, there are two things you can do... You can run and be bitter or you can allow it to change and mold you. We have discussed several times how we don't understand how people can turn away from God during times like this. The only way that we are surviving and healing, is by pressing into God and each other. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There are so many scriptures and songs that have opened my eyes and heart. In our studying, there have been two songs that we liked before, but after we found out their meaning and how they were written, we LOVE them now. It's amazing how God lines things up for us. He holds and sees the future. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i><b>The God who was and is to come<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />The power of the Risen One</b></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Every single need that we have had, has been met above and beyond what we expected. The burial and headstone was covered in full, without anything coming out of our account. We have had several meals brought to us. The love poured out to us has been overwhelming, and we are so grateful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On July 20th, I was finally ready to go pick out what we would put at her grave. I hated pulling up to it, and it having nothing on it. No one knew who was buried there, and that bothered me. I wanted everyone to know who she was. We had looked at a few designs online just to get an idea before we went to the company that does the engraving and set up. I was perfectly fine the whole day, but when we walked in, and explained why we were there, I couldn't fight back the tears. Chase had to do all the talking. It was just too much for me. We knew that we wanted a beveled marker, and how we wanted her name and date, but there are so many choices when it come to designs and borders. It was a bit overwhelming. The lady that was there was so kind and helped us pick out exactly what we wanted for our baby girl. We had to stop by the grave on the way home so that we could put out a marker for them. On the way back I couldn't stop the tears. I told Chase that it just wasn't fair and that I was to young to have to worry about what I am going to put on my daughter's grave. We talked about it for a few minutes, and how everything was going to be ok. The company emailed us the design before submitting it, so that we could approve it or tweak it. We decided we wanted to change one small thing, before finalizing it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b><span style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;">The God who brings the dead to life<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles!<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles!</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chase and I were both raised in church, and we both grew up reciting John <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121230" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">3:16</span></span>... Before all of this, I understand that God sent his only Son to die for our sins, but I couldn't relate to that pain. For us, John <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121231" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">3:16</span></span> has a whole new meaning. To come to the realization, that God sent his son to die, even when he didn't have to means so much more now that I have experienced the pain of losing my child. God could have saved His Son, but He didn't so that you and I could go to heaven. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't sacrifice the life of my children for anyone. That is true love. And he did this for you and I... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I didn't have my phone the majority of the time that we were in the hospital. I didn't want to talk to anyone. However, both Chase and my mom had gotten a few texts, calls, and messages. My mom got one call from a friend of her's mother. Precious Mrs. Faye… she had been through the same thing many years ago. She wanted to call and check on me, and see how we were doing. If you know Mrs. Faye, you know that she is an amazing woman of God. I believe that she will have more crowns than she will know what to do with in Heaven. While on the phone with my mom, she told her that Olivia was met at the gates of heaven by my Nana and Granny and that they would take care of her, of course that made us all cry. While it does give me some comfort, it still hurts. My earthly body is selfish. I want Olivia here with me. I often think about what it is like, and am reminded that even though I would give anything to bring her back, she is better there. She will never have to deal with the pain of death. She will never be sick. She will never experience heartbreak. She gets to live forever in such a glorious place, never having to experience the tragedies of this world. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; text-align: right;">"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord wil</span><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; text-align: right;">l wipe away tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth." Isaiah 25:8</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Today makes one month since we held our baby girl. I wish that I could say that we are better, and that our pain is gone, but it is not. Grief is something that I don't think you ever get over. You learn how to cope. I read an article that described the pain of grief like waves, and it was so true. It said, "in the beginning, it's like the waves of a storm. They are high and crashing in constantly, it seems as if you are going to drown. But slowly, the waves start getting further apart. There may be something that you see or hear that brings back the big waves, but for the most part they are manageable, and you know when to expect them."</span></div>
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<b style="color: #990000; font-family: inherit;"><i>I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I believe in You, I believe in You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the God of miracles</i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This journey of grief has just begun for us. I know that there will be more "bad" days. There will be days that if you see me, I may look like a zombie or I may fall apart in front of you. But there is one thing that I know... God is in control. He will give me the strength I need to face <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1112121232" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">tomorrow</span></span>. </span><span style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"> </span></div>
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<i>I have also included a link to the song "Miracles," and an interview about how the song came to be. </i></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/IOslAAUcKcc">https://youtu.be/IOslAAUcKcc</a></div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I">https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I couldn't find a video with just the testimony, so you only have to watch like the first two minutes. The rest of the video teaches you how to play it. ;-)</span></div>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-71993843146277045752016-08-02T20:42:00.000-07:002016-08-02T20:42:18.242-07:00Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 1To some this blog may be too much, to some it may bring up reminders of what you went through, and my prayer is that to others, it will be a light of hope. My purpose in this blog is not to bring attention to myself or my situation, because that is the last thing I want, but to bring honor to all the mothers who have had to say good-bye way to soon. There is never ever a good time to say good-bye, but when you have to say good-bye before you even get to say hello, is especially hard. July 2nd-4th, will be days that we never forget. I'm going to start at the very beginning, because I feel that, that is the only way to honor our little girl.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="background-color: white;"><i>I</i><i>'m so confused</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><b style="background-color: white;">I know I heard you loud and clear</b></i></span></div>
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<b>Sunday, February 21st</b> - The day we got the Big Fat Positive<br />
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I hadn't been feeling very well for a couple of weeks, and Chase kept joking that he thought I was pregnant, of course I quickly argued that there was no way. If you know us, or have read my previous blogs, you know that it took us a while to get pregnant with Aiden. In fact, we weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant on our own, so to even think we could get pregnant when we were preventing it, seemed unrealistic. I had taken a test the week before, but it wasn't very clear, there was a very very faint line. I just assumed the test was defective, because there was no way. When I woke up that morning and realized the date, I decided to test again, and there it was.... All I could do was cry... I kept thinking about what everyone was going to say, and how they would respond. Here we are with an 8 month old, and now we are pregnant again... They were going to be almost exactly 16 months apart. At the time, it seemed impossible because Aiden was still a baby.<br />
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It was a Sunday, of course, if you are in ministry you know how Sundays are... I told Chase just as he was getting ready to leave. He hugged me and reassured me that we could do this, that everything was going to be ok. After a short pep-talk, the last thing Chase says as he is walking out the door is, "Don't call anyone..." That lasted all of 1 minute. Who does a girl call when she needs advice and encouragement?? I called my big sister in a mess. After talking to her for a few minutes, I felt so much better. She reassured me that even though it seemed impossible right now because Aiden was still in the baby stage, he will grow quickly. She explained that before the baby is born, Aiden would be in a toddler stage - he would be more self-sufficient, off of formula and eating real food, talking, and walking. And she was right...<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, I followed through</span></i></b></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Somehow I ended up here</span></i></b></div>
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<b>Friday, March 24th</b> - Seeing our sweet baby for the first time.<br />
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For a mom, there is nothing like seeing and hearing the heartbeat of the baby inside of you for the first time. When we got to Dr. Logan's office, the staff was so nice and encouraging. I was so nervous about going, because of all the problems we faced during my pregnancy with Aiden and it felt like we just left. When we were able to see our baby moving as much as she was at such an early stage, all of my fears were put to ease. Everything was going to be ok, because this baby, our precious baby had a purpose. After seeing our baby, anytime I would begin to worry about how we were going to have 2 under 2, I would repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself, and the worry would disappear.<br />
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I don't want my worry to be mistaken for not wanting this baby, because we so wanted her. We fell in love with her the day we found out that we were expecting her. I was just worried about how we were going to be able to "handle" 2 under 2 with everything that comes with having children - financially, emotionally, physically. For someone who is a planner, it was a lot to think about. It felt like we were finally adjusting to having one child, and now we were going to be adding another.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't wanna think</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">That my broken heart is a part of your plan</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
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<b>Thursday, April 28th</b> - Public Announcement<br />
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Is anything really official before you post it on social media anymore? ;-) Unlike our pregnancy with Aiden, we kept this pregnancy a secret from most people for a while. We, of course, told our parents and a few very close friends shortly after we found out, but no one else knew. We finally decided to tell people because I was starting to show, and we knew we would be finding out if we were having a boy or girl in a few weeks. I think most people were shocked, by their reactions and comments, but it was definitely not the response I feared. Most everyone was excited for us, and automatically said that we would have a girl this time. I wasn't convinced...<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I try to pray</span></i></b></span></div>
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<b>Monday, May 16th </b>- Those first kicks!<br />
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I had been feeling a few flutters the week before, but on May 16th I felt the very first, very distinct kick. I was at the exact same gestation as I was when I felt Aiden kick for the first time. These kicks were so different from Aiden's though. Aiden always kicked up and out, this baby kicked nerves. It was the weirdest feeling ever.<br />
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As a pregnant mom, you so enjoy the kicks. You look forward to feeling the kicks. Even when the kicks hurt, they make you smile and feel peace. They are how you know our baby is alive and healthy.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thy will be done</span></i></b></span></div>
<b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Thy will be done</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Thy will be done</div>
</span></span></i></b><br />
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<b>Thursday, May 26th</b> - What will IT be??<br />
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Up until this point everything in my pregnancy had been perfect. I wasn't sick like I was with Aiden, and it was just different. The only symptom I had was being tired all the time, and with an 11 month old, you don't have time to be tired. Chase and I just knew that we were having another boy. We had even picked out a little boy name, every time we discussed little girl names we felt there was no need. There were only boys in Chase's family, so everyone assumed it would be a boy.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8zm8cJ_2uVZC4Iukgm6f9QDOgnVpmiUmNaoobh6mSIpBZxPRqTQDnRRfPdwelh-70oMKBt4CF22MNqppBt_tyU8JKEWAyFhvNXjIQBSFCvTvWIMQ6qZEDFjJAlsS1iVT1Iv4KM2QBYD4/s1600/IMG_5360.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8zm8cJ_2uVZC4Iukgm6f9QDOgnVpmiUmNaoobh6mSIpBZxPRqTQDnRRfPdwelh-70oMKBt4CF22MNqppBt_tyU8JKEWAyFhvNXjIQBSFCvTvWIMQ6qZEDFjJAlsS1iVT1Iv4KM2QBYD4/s1600/IMG_5360.JPG" /></a></div>
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When the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly the baby was curled up, feet crossed, in a ball, facing my back. I honestly thought she wasn't going to be able to get a clear shot to tell us what we were expecting. But the baby moved those tiny feet to give us a clear view... It's a girl! Chase response was, "are you sure?" It was very clear that we were having a girl. It's amazing how you can tell so much from an ultrasound. We were unable to get a really good face shot, although the tech tried so hard our baby girl, was not having it. She just wanted to sleep. Everything was perfect.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl41KVDu2_rh2F5s8zdrUgeXpKA4HPhtN8wfNIb3_T-RcEZ32v1MW13wG6vNVYUkASJNxR6lDmRQUIu_6VEdIqhppQJyKFpwEJWsREGU5N9GSLD29BRMruncLNv0djJC1B-Fal7mRqDcg/s1600/IMG_6846.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl41KVDu2_rh2F5s8zdrUgeXpKA4HPhtN8wfNIb3_T-RcEZ32v1MW13wG6vNVYUkASJNxR6lDmRQUIu_6VEdIqhppQJyKFpwEJWsREGU5N9GSLD29BRMruncLNv0djJC1B-Fal7mRqDcg/s1600/IMG_6846.JPG" /></a></div>
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She was weighing in at 8 ounces, 4 ounces smaller than Aiden was when we went for our anatomy scan with him. Dr. Logan even mentioned the possibility of being able to VBAC because it didn't seem like she would be quite as big as her big brother. This gave me hope, hope that maybe just maybe I wouldn't be as sick as I was with Aiden. Maybe I would be able to recover quickly and not have to worry about having a C-section with 2 small ones. Maybe everything would be ok, and I could enjoy this delivery. <br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know you're good</span></i></b></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But this don't feel good right now</span></i></b></div>
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<b>Wednesday, June 1st</b> - Disney Babymoon and Gender Reveal<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFVVAXv9ZHvUBonYL2Jwra-NuLD0th1vuXc29-3Bkr0sfdYgWyzZJUBosy8FXQVenBFMySWS1yLx0I8ocrI8lF81QpZ_oaUDxrhAdUescRD5R4nUZZRcwLkDyq7aFLwKS_lFnnDqaF6Hc/s1600/FullSizeRender+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFVVAXv9ZHvUBonYL2Jwra-NuLD0th1vuXc29-3Bkr0sfdYgWyzZJUBosy8FXQVenBFMySWS1yLx0I8ocrI8lF81QpZ_oaUDxrhAdUescRD5R4nUZZRcwLkDyq7aFLwKS_lFnnDqaF6Hc/s320/FullSizeRender+%25284%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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My 1st Mother's Day present, was a kid-free vacation to Disney, all thanks to my hubby. I was a nervous wreck leaving Aiden behind for 5 days, but it was a much needed vacation. We didn't really realize how much we needed it. We hadn't been anywhere alone since Aiden's birth with a few exceptions, and I mean like 2 or 3. We decided to do our Gender Reveal at Disney, because why not... ;-) It's no secret that we LOVE Disney, so it was perfect timing that we got to do our reveal there. We face timed all our parents the first day we were there, May 30th, and showed them our button. They were all so excited, like I said, we all thought it was going to be another boy. The whole time we were there, we heard tons of congratulations, that's why you get a button. :-)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuqdMLOGmN8r71OhZ-vcGwUS2rLDuGYWL1Kt611KD2r4_pWdjFF4xMH4Yq4bKhyphenhyphene4Sr2ek4YACyA6eOBOA3V0gV298JlDMeMlsHKQu5lfTGeBXutzSlBD3JkHdoUkWrBQaQusq1ZtuT8c/s1600/IMG_5619.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuqdMLOGmN8r71OhZ-vcGwUS2rLDuGYWL1Kt611KD2r4_pWdjFF4xMH4Yq4bKhyphenhyphene4Sr2ek4YACyA6eOBOA3V0gV298JlDMeMlsHKQu5lfTGeBXutzSlBD3JkHdoUkWrBQaQusq1ZtuT8c/s1600/IMG_5619.JPG" /></a></div>
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Everyone else kept asking us, wanting to know when we were going to post the picture. We decided that we wanted to wait until we could take pictures at Magic Kingdom, which was scheduled for Wednesday. We were so excited to finally let everyone know that we were having a baby girl. I think most of our friends and extended family were pretty surprised and excited as well. :-) We were going to have the perfect family.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvHkejJffzGuaU5PcEtuUOt5cpzihSbDRxP0p3n3_2pfmGDAvdmNTXfBvYtDfAzJR3dFSv5s-wdaP-tRzKcW2uOYyKsdCxpKtHm36DISmug_1lAAacLiaDcpAiEYXfZfi3obV7sthxcg/s1600/FullSizeRender+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvHkejJffzGuaU5PcEtuUOt5cpzihSbDRxP0p3n3_2pfmGDAvdmNTXfBvYtDfAzJR3dFSv5s-wdaP-tRzKcW2uOYyKsdCxpKtHm36DISmug_1lAAacLiaDcpAiEYXfZfi3obV7sthxcg/s320/FullSizeRender+%25283%2529.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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While at Disney, we had to get souvenirs! Our first trip with Aiden, he got a Mickey lovey. He absolutely loves him lovey. So before we even got there, we knew our baby girl had to have a Minnie lovey. And then I saw the Ariel, and she "had" to have it too. :-)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmg09f9zMKK3ofaXhTBLSyA2btE3IhlANeiKeUhPB-BJxue9eJI4hh-4rTXhWERhasvyOSxwqk19pV1JJ6pAwxRDWkReoTM8Af7RedpbYR8GrzHgwkgC8vSq62ddVQA36yTW34Hn9VDw/s1600/IMG_6858.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmg09f9zMKK3ofaXhTBLSyA2btE3IhlANeiKeUhPB-BJxue9eJI4hh-4rTXhWERhasvyOSxwqk19pV1JJ6pAwxRDWkReoTM8Af7RedpbYR8GrzHgwkgC8vSq62ddVQA36yTW34Hn9VDw/s320/IMG_6858.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>And I know you think</b></i></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Of things I could never think about</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It's hard to count it all joy</div>
</span></b></i></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span><br />
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<b>Tuesday, June 7th</b> - The halfway mark.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPoNNm8-vHuwMLm3P4B20ztqw5bhvJa9XJWoxPfnCBWlapHzoiETU17sQvFlVLk0bUhGNB3Bldz12vhpMrEnGESlaY_qFBaV9hPbrP7R8tagl86FYmYfoblHQDqv5cBtT2GTUoH4oQ1jQ/s1600/IMG_6854.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPoNNm8-vHuwMLm3P4B20ztqw5bhvJa9XJWoxPfnCBWlapHzoiETU17sQvFlVLk0bUhGNB3Bldz12vhpMrEnGESlaY_qFBaV9hPbrP7R8tagl86FYmYfoblHQDqv5cBtT2GTUoH4oQ1jQ/s320/IMG_6854.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Generally with a pregnancy, once you make it to the 2nd trimester you're considered "safe". I was so excited to be at the halfway point in this pregnancy. The day before I got our first set of bows in the mail and couldn't wait to put them to use, it was my first girl purchase. ;-) I finally allowed myself to really getting excited about having another baby and watching Aiden grow up with a baby sister. It was time to really start getting ready for this baby.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpZU4ePpdP2pjer5x-Tf7v18gwCiK2r2F0yO-giKiL4WmoGoXfzfNe3yVq3axVu65KPEfE96-aTc4JbhRHYZC8QYQXm02z15os7BJeBXqm8RYl-ZSXs9_FfvEMR6S_pIwnq57JvWHiziw/s1600/IMG_6856.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpZU4ePpdP2pjer5x-Tf7v18gwCiK2r2F0yO-giKiL4WmoGoXfzfNe3yVq3axVu65KPEfE96-aTc4JbhRHYZC8QYQXm02z15os7BJeBXqm8RYl-ZSXs9_FfvEMR6S_pIwnq57JvWHiziw/s320/IMG_6856.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;">Distr</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;">acted by the noise</span></i></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Just trying to make sense</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Of all your promises</div>
</span></i></b></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span>
<b>Tuesday, June 28th</b> - Aiden's First Birthday<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSsru7pt0L4DFPiEa5TTDV6VHrrSEvZPUXH2EfBqn_sgJ_0zTEbnOA4DjKtlbTkw2lYf4eCPYURht0IYSItCMUinXDWm7ZLwne_R9e1gTkWtDNc9rJlFsVkNSaxh8RW74C8C0TcCRL4CI/s1600/IMG_6316.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSsru7pt0L4DFPiEa5TTDV6VHrrSEvZPUXH2EfBqn_sgJ_0zTEbnOA4DjKtlbTkw2lYf4eCPYURht0IYSItCMUinXDWm7ZLwne_R9e1gTkWtDNc9rJlFsVkNSaxh8RW74C8C0TcCRL4CI/s1600/IMG_6316.JPG" /></a></div>
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We took the day off, and decided to take Aiden to the zoo and spent all day with him. We had been discussing names off and on, and couldn't make up our mind on what we wanted. We are big on what the name means, and wanted her name to have meaning. We joke, because Aiden's name means, Little Fire, which has proven to be the perfect match for him! He is such a little fire ball, so full of personality. So, we said that this baby's name needed to be something peaceful, because we wouldn't deal with two strong-willed kids. I have always loved the name Olivia, Chase wasn't too sold on it. When I broke down the meaning of it, we decided that was her name. We went back and forth between Olivia Grace and Olivia Mae. We wanted all our kids to have a biblical name or aspect to their name, so Grace seemed like the perfect fit, but we liked the name Mae just as much. So, we put it to a vote! :-p We text our parents, and it was unanimous, Olivia Grace. Olivia means olive tree, which doesn't seem to mean much at first glance. However, when you break it down an olive is a symbol of peace used throughout the bible. Grace means God's favor. It is the perfect name for our little girl.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Sometimes I gotta stop</i></b></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Remember that you're God</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And I am not, So</div>
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<b>Friday, July 1st</b> - The day I got a bad feeling.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy3FuCuuZvNA3qyDeSoIWF0Q3rZt29YLUiVJg_-tNrYfcsG8Uu4AJjX3AP5V4J-fm4dprTAO-34E8hlolfleRYRzSIjo4UA8E1yxXxAkI3HTQJFgCyncZDaUlFhAVRLHKg2q4l-1Ntd3A/s1600/IMG_5572.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy3FuCuuZvNA3qyDeSoIWF0Q3rZt29YLUiVJg_-tNrYfcsG8Uu4AJjX3AP5V4J-fm4dprTAO-34E8hlolfleRYRzSIjo4UA8E1yxXxAkI3HTQJFgCyncZDaUlFhAVRLHKg2q4l-1Ntd3A/s1600/IMG_5572.JPG" /></a></div>
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I was up, running around most of the day trying to prepare for baby Aiden's 1st Birthday party. I was putting all of his party supplies together, and we took everything to my mom's so it would be one less thing to worry about. By this point in my pregnancy, Olivia was on a schedule. I knew that every morning around 9, she started moving like crazy. She also got hiccups about 10-15 minutes after I ate, every single time. It was in the afternoons that she was the busiest, she was constantly moving just like her big brother did. Except today, I had not felt her move all day, and I just had a bad feeling. I kept telling myself that it was because I was moving around and stressing about Aiden's birthday party. I told Chase that night that I hadn't felt her move all day, but we decided it was probably because she had tucked herself comfortably behind my placenta. I had an anterior placenta, meaning my placenta was directly in front. This can make it hard to feel the baby move, and extremely hard for other people to feel her as well. Still, something just didn't feel right.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">Thy will be done</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">Thy will be done</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">Thy will be done</span></i></b></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /></i></b></span></span></div>
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<b>Saturday, July 2nd</b> - One of the best, worst days of my life.<br />
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That morning, we got up and got ready for Aiden's birthday party. I tried several things to get our baby girl to move, but nothing seemed to be working. On the way to my mom's, Chase asked had I felt her yet. All I could do was shake my head, I didn't want to think about it. I just needed to make it through Aiden's big day. This was his day. We decided that if I didn't feel her move, we would call after the party. I was all over the place, running around like a crazy person... Making sure everything was perfect. I couldn't really enjoy the party because I was so worried. I kept praying for God just to let her move, just to give me some peace of mind. I felt so distant and alone from everyone, even though all our close friends and family were right there with us. After the party and lots of pictures, we went home. On the way, I called Chase's mom, who is a Labor & Delivery nurse, and told her what was going on. She told me one more test to try...<br />
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It didn't work. She still wasn't moving. I called the doctor's office, and spoke with the doctor on call. When I told him what was going on, his voice changed and he stated that we needed to come in asap to be put on a monitor. I lost it. I was exhausted, scared, anxious, and just wanted it all to go away. Chase reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We got in the car, and left Aiden with my brother. Thankfully, Hayden had followed us to our house from the party, and was waiting on my dad there.<br />
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Chase called our parents and let them know what was going on. He is always so calm, when I'm barely holding it together. When we arrived at the hospital they made Chase go register me. Since it was a Saturday, he had to go to the ER to do that. That left me alone in the room with the nurse. She put the monitor to my belly and said, because I was only 24 weeks, she wasn't sure if we would be able to pick up a heartbeat. After trying for several minutes, she thought she heard one. She left the room and came back with the hand held doppler, but still couldn't find a heartbeat. Chase got back to the room just as another nurse came in, and she tried for several minutes to find it, before telling my nurse to order an ultrasound. We waited a little while with heaviness, heart beating out of my chest, trying not to lose it, anxiousness.<br />
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The ultrasound tech came in and said he was going to look at the baby. When he put the wand on I could see that she wasn't moving. He took several scans, and then stopped on her heart. I could tell in that moment that it wasn't beating, but I did not want to believe it. Maybe I was just reading the monitor wrong. The tech's temperament changed, and his hands started shaking. He left the room, and said the doctor would be in to see us. My heart broke and I lost it.<br />
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Somehow Chase managed to calm me down, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok. It seemed like time stood still. We waited what seemed like forever, before the doctor finally came in, with 2 nurses... I will never forget his words. "Sometimes we don't understand or know why these things happens, but there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." My heart broke into a million pieces. How could this be happening... He gave us a few minutes and then proceeded to tell us why he became an OB-GYN. When he was younger, he went to an appointment with his Aunt when she was 38 weeks pregnant. She came out crying, and of course he asked why, being a young boy. She told him that she found out that her baby died in her tummy. He said that she went on to have several kids, but that it changed him. He said most of the time his profession is happy, but sometimes this happens and we don't know why. He told us that we may never find out why it happened, but they would check.<br />
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There is nothing that prepares you to hear those words or to face the fact that your child has died.<br />
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After a few minutes, he explained our next few steps. He explained that I would have to deliver our baby girl, and that it was going to be a painful process that could take days. He asked about our delivery with Aiden, because I didn't dilate at all with him and had to have an c-section, it could take longer, but he wanted to try and avoid another c-section. They left us alone to wait for our parents before they moved us to the end of the hall. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I had finally somewhat composed myself when my mom and Wayne came in. After a few minutes with them I told the nurse we were ready to go to the "other" room.<br />
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With several attempts and 3 blown veins, the anesthesiologist got my IV going and they started me on Cytotec and fluids. I didn't realize the time, but our first nurse Brittany stayed a good bit after her shift to make sure we were ok. I'm so thankful for the nurses and staff we had for both of our deliveries. I'm convinced that Cytotec is the devil. Shortly after they gave it to me I started contracting. Because they didn't have to worry about harming the baby, and since she was so small they said I could have anything I wanted. They also said I could get an epidural whenever I wanted. Chase asked the nurse if they could give me something to help me sleep, so she came back with some medicine and put it in my IV.<br />
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I was in and out most of the night. Everything was kind of a blur. Time didn't exist to us, everything seemed to stand still. I do remember at some point telling my mom that now I have to figure out a funeral, and how we were going to pay for everything. I didn't know how we were going to do it. We didn't have that kind of money saved up. Every 4 hours I had to take more Cytotec, followed by pain medicine because the contractions would pick back up.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>I know you see me</i></b></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I know you hear me, Lord</div>
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Your plans are for me</div>
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Goodness you have in store</div>
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<b>Sunday, July 3rd </b>- The wait.<br />
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That morning Brittany was back to take care of us. Dr. Logan also came in that morning to see us. I have never met a doctor who cares more about her patients than Dr. Logan. She is amazing, and a lifesaver. She held me, and reassured me that she was going to be running several tests to see if we could find out what caused this. She upped my medicine, and told the nurses to give me whatever I wanted. And they finally let me eat! I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday morning, and felt so weak. Once they gave me the higher dose of Cytotec, my contractions started getting stronger and closer together. It wasn't long after, I asked for the epidural.<br />
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It was a long, exhausting, almost eternal day of waiting. There wasn't much change for most of the day. However, later on that day my water finally broke and I was dilating. It wasn't until later that night things really started to progress. And by midnight I had finally made it to four centimeters.<br />
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At that point the realization of what was about to happen really sank in, and that the labor process had truly began.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Thy will be done</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Thy will be done</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Thy will</i></b></span></div>
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<i>This song has been my heart and prayer since I heard it. After my dad shared her Hillary Scott's testimony, and the reason behind her lyrics, I understood why it has had an impact. I have included a link to the song, and testimony below. It comes from a broken and pure heart. </i></div>
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<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-72301494267237026642016-07-27T19:40:00.000-07:002016-07-27T19:40:38.327-07:00The Dreaded Questions<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
As I have slowly started going out a little more, I've been dreading the comments and questions that may arise. If you are a person who has experienced loss and grief, you will understand what I'm talking about. Today one of those "dreaded" comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I was holding Aiden when a man asked me how old he was, just trying to make small talk. When I told him the man said, "It's about time for another one isn't it?" My heart shattered into a million pieces. This man had no clue what my family has experienced in the past few weeks, and he meant no harm in the statement, but I wasn't prepared for it. All I could do was shake my head and say not right now, then turn and walk away with a lump in my throat. It's in these moments that all I can do is ask God for strength; that has been my prayer over and over and over. </div>
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There are so many times that I just feel broken and like a total mess, and the only thing I can get out is "God give me strength." And every time I say that prayer, I feel an overwhelming peace. (I think it's no coincidence that the name that we picked out for our little girl - the very week that she entered into Heaven - is a symbol of peace and grace). </div>
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No matter what we go through, God can and will give us the strength and peace we need to get through it, all we have to do is just ask. There are two verses that I have clung to through this heartache - One was sent to me by someone that I look up to and have the most respect for; the other just happened to be the first verse I read after everything happened. They are my go to verses when feel like I can't go on, and when I need strength. </div>
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“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalms 147:3 </div>
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“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” - Isaiah 40:31 </div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> We all have "mountains" that we have to climb in our lives, whether you are climbing it today or in 5 years. No matter how big or small your mountain is, God will give you the strength to get through. He will bind up your wounds and renew your strength. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I'm fairly positive that there will be 1,000 more tough questions and comments for us to face, but I know that He will give me the strength I need to face them, even if I am fighting back, </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">or quite possibly burst into, tears. </span></div>
Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-20162020068900121722014-12-16T10:41:00.000-08:002014-12-16T10:41:39.964-08:00And then there were three As most people know by now, we are having a baby! We were so excited to finally be able to say those words, and announce it to everyone. What we didn't announce was the trial and test we went through to be able to say those words.<br />
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I previously posted my battle and struggle with Endometriosis, and with this disease comes so much more than just the pain. They tell you when you are diagnosed that if you get pregnant that it "cures" the endometriosis at least for 9 months. I have also had several people tell me, "Oh I had that when I was younger, but after my first pregnancy, it just went away." I'm a little skeptical to believe that, but a girl can dream, right? A few weeks before we moved, my pain started getting worse. It was always the worst at night. So, the first thing I did when we got here was find a doctor. I told her all my symptoms and poured my heart out to her. She laid out all of my options, from trying lupron (which basically puts you through menopause), starting a stronger birth control, hormone treatments, or to start actively trying to get pregnant.<br />
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Now, this wasn't the first time I had heard, oh you should start trying, BUT it was the first time someone explained why. In a nut shell, getting pregnant resets all of your hormones, causing the endometrial tissue to stop growing. If you know me really well, you know that I am a question girl! I like to know why and what and how. And if I was going to seriously consider it, I had to have a good reason as to why for Chase. ;-) We had already been dancing around the subject for a little while before going to the doctor, but hadn't decided anything. I felt like I've always been ready to have a baby. Growing up in a large family, always having babies around, and babysitting, taught me a lot. For a guy, it's totally different! It took me a little while to understand what the big deal was, but I get it now. :-) After much prayer and talking, we decided to go for it.<br />
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I always thought growing up, that when you got ready to have a baby, it would just happen. I never thought about, what if I actually have to try, what if it isn't easy, what if it doesn't happen in the first 3 months... It never even crossed my mind. No one wants to think about what if I have problems getting pregnant. Now, I did start worrying a little when diagnosed with endo, but I would just push it back and say no it won't happen to me. But it did...<br />
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The first 3 months went by and I started to worry a little. I went out and bought <i>What to Expect before You are Expeting</i>, and thought this is it. I'm going to follow this book to a tee and it will happen. Another three months went by and nothing happened. At this point it had been six months, the last thing the doctor told me was if I did decide to start trying and nothing happened in six months to come back. And then she said it.... We will start looking into another laparoscopy surgery to remove the scar tissue and any active endo. I was not giving up that easy though. I didn't want to have to go through another surgery, especially being 3 hours away from our family. Chase and I talked about it, and decided we would keep trying, that if it didn't happen in a year, then we would consider the surgery.<br />
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I began getting so down and depressed. All I could think about was how it'll never happen for me. People all around me started getting pregnant, and it would hurt. It seems so silly, but when you are in the situation, it is a lot different! There are a lot of people out there, who have been trying so much longer than I have, and yet it still hasn't happened for them and they haven't lost faith. I honestly don't know how! Nine months in, I was done. I just knew I was going to have to go through another surgery and then I would probably have to take fertility treatments. It just seemed so unfair! Here I am pouring my heart out to God, living a godly life, and these people just get pregnant and they weren't even trying... I felt like no one understood what I was going through.<br />
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The whole time we were going through this, I kept finding myself being drawn to the story of Abraham and Sarah. I knew if God could work a miracle in their life, it could happen in mine. This story was my hope. With God all things are possible.<br />
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After what seemed to be an eternity, many tears, and a whole lot of worry, we finally got the result we wanted... Two days after Chase's birthday. I woke up at 5:30 from having a dream about being pregnant. Call me crazy, but I just had a feeling. So I went and took at the only test I had. I had to do like 5 double takes, because I couldn't believe it. I couldn't hold in my excitement, but I didn't want to tell Chase until I knew for sure. I had to tell someone though. After all that we went through, I couldn't hold it in. And who does a girl always go to... her bff! Who of course was asleep too. ;-) I decided to go get another test, so I told Chase I was going to get him breakfast and would be back in a few. I got and took the other test at the store, along with a few goodies for my hubby. And of course it was positive. :-)<br />
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I get back home with breakfast and a present for Chase, since you know it was just his birthday. I handed him a card and told him he had to read it first. The card was signed by Baby H, apologizing for being 2 days late. ;-) This was his present and reaction... He had to re-read the card, because he skipped the last page. I kept having to tell him, you're forgetting a page.<br />
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A few days later, we called my parents and our siblings letting them know. But since we were celebrating Mr. Tracy's birthday that Friday, we decided to wait to surprise him and Mrs. Chon. And it was so worth the reaction we got! We got a onesie that said "Grandpa is my biggest fan" and put it in a bag under a <i>Life is Good</i> t-shirt. :-)<br />
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We were so overwhelmed by everyone's love and support when we announced it. This baby has been prayed for and loved for a long time, and we are thrilled to be able to be parents! July can not get here fast enough!!<br />
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So far, pregnancy hasn't been too bad. It could always be worse, right? Up until this week I've been nauseous all day, just about everyday. Although, I've only truly gotten sick 4 times, the nausea is pretty bad. And the cravings are crazy! I always thought that cravings were just kinda like in your head... But boy was I wrong!!! When I get a craving all I can taste, think about, and want is that. I've wanted everything from pickles, watermelon, steak, boiled peanuts, and chocolate cake. <br />
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We went to the baby doctor Dec 1st, and were finally able to see our little. (S)he had a heartbeat of 174, although we couldn't hear it, the doctor said it was very strong. And while I'm pulling for a girl, the hubs is pulling for a boy. ;-) Either way, we can't wait to meet baby H!<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i><span class="text 1Thess-5-16" id="en-ESV-29621" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "</span>Rejoice always,</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"> </span><span class="text 1Thess-5-17" id="en-ESV-29622" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;">pray without ceasing,<span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span class="text 1Thess-5-18" id="en-ESV-29623" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 24px;">give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."</span></i></b></span></div>
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<br />Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-31465301435708364692014-11-14T15:18:00.000-08:002014-11-14T15:18:29.604-08:00The Big Move So much has changed since the last time I blogged! I told myself when 2014 started that I was going to become a blogger. That lasted all of a few months, and then life got crazy for us.<br />
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As I step back and take a look at all things God has been doing in our life in the past year, I am in awe. Chase and I had been praying and seeking God's direction as to what He wanted to do in our life and where he wanted to lead us, pretty much since we got married. We just felt that weren't doing enough, and that God had bigger plans.<br />
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In January we were asked to come lead worship at Gulfway Church for a Sunday, little did we know they were praying and looking for a worship leader. After hearing their vision and goals for the church, we knew this was where God wanted us. Within a week we accepted the job, and within 2 weeks we were moving to Gulf Shores. <br />
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Now, we are just a few months shy of being here a year. We have grown so much during that time. Moving from a small town to a much bigger, tourist spot was a huge change for us. And on top of that, we hadn't even been married a year when we made the big move. Our life changed dramatically. We went from having all of our family within an hour of us, to now being 3 hours away from the closest. I think that was the hardest part of the move for us both. :-)<br />
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There were so many times we get so caught up on life, the changes, and loneliness (not that we were lonely, we were just away from everyone we knew), that we forgot what we were doing here. (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself) There were times I felt like I was praying and seeking God with everything I had, but my prayers weren't going anywhere. Looking back now, I see that those were the times that God was wanting me/us to find our way to Him. I think that sometimes, God wants us to make the first move towards Him. He wants to see if we are going to give in to the pressures or if we are going to continue pursing Him through everything. It's during those times, that I feel the most spiritual growth. And that is what this whole journey has been...Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7813416033602809601.post-51391804753357873202014-01-08T08:14:00.002-08:002014-01-08T08:14:30.461-08:00Doubt, Doubt, Go Away... <span style="font-family: inherit;"> Have you ever felt as if you are the only person in the world who struggles with doubt? We all struggle with doubt at some point in our life. I am currently reading three books, and one devotional. Ironically, all of the chapters and my daily "devo" for the past two days have been on doubt and having confidence in The Lord. Now, some people will call this a coincidence, but for me it is God speaking directly to my heart. There are so many times that I doubt what God is telling me, not because I doubt God, but because I doubt myself. When we allow to doubt to creep in to our lives, God can't use us to his full ability. We are putting a limit on His power and promises. There are several reasons we doubt, this is one of the main ways the enemy get to us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> One reason that we doubt ourselves is sin. The devil will use our past to tell us we are unworthy to be used by Christ or that we just aren't good enough because of what we have done. When Christ Jesus was nailed to the cross, His blood not only paid for the sins we have already committed, but also the sins we <i>will</i> commit. 1 John 2:2 says "He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." Ephesians 1:7 states, "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." God sent his son to die on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. When we become saved we get a clean slate to "start over," our former sins are not held against us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Another reason we doubt ourselves is self-doubt; the lack of self-confidence. Self-doubt blocks the promises of God's power to change us. It keeps us from believing that things can get better, and convinces us it is not worth the bother to try. According to the dictionary, self doubt is the lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities; a feeling of having no confidence in your abilities or decisions. To many times we go along tossing our confidence in the trash without even thinking about it. James 1:6 says, "But when you ask, you must believe, and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> The last reason we doubt ourselves (that I am going to hit on at least) is uncertainty. Uncertainty is the unknown or questionable. It creates a huge shadow of doubt that follows us. Think of it this way, it's about four P.M. in the middle of July. You walk outside to get something out of your car when you notice your shadow. Your shadow is much bigger than the real you. No matter what you do, your shadow follows you, you can't escape it. The shadow of doubt is the same way. Our doubt is bigger (overpowers) our confidence, the only way to escape it is to face the light. God's design for us is not to be stuck in a cycle or living in the shadow of doubt. There are many times in our walk with Christ that our faith is tested. Most of those times call for some uncertainty. We have two choices when faced with uncertainty, we can either have confidence in Christ or we can begin to allow doubt creep in. Matthew 6:34 states, "Therefore do not worry (doubt) about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Doubt and hope can not coexist in our hearts at the same time. <i>The God of all hope is calling you out of the shadow of your doubts so that you can live with a confident heart!</i></span><br />
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The first step to living with a confident heart is for us to recognize the power we give to doubt, then stand up to it and claim confidence is ours through Christ. This process can only happen if you are willing to be honest with God and yourself. Lean on a trusted friend or mentor to help keep you accountable in the processes of claiming your confidence. 1 John 5:14-15 says, "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." God desires us to have confidence, all we have to do is ask! God declares with confidence, things can change. In Mark 9:23 Jesus states, "All things are possible for the one who believes." Belief is having confidence that God is able.<i> Beyond believing in Him, God wants us to believe Him! </i>He desires for us to believe Him by relying on the power of His words and promises and living like they are true no matter what our feelings say. We can be confident that if we are praying God's word that we are praying God's will. Believe that He can do what He says He can do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <i>God applies the same power to our need that He extended when He raised Christ from the dead!</i> (Ephesians 1:18-23) God wields incomparably great power for those who choose to believe Him. Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God works for our good, He will not cause us harm. We can have full confidence in God, that He will never do anything or lead us anywhere that is going to harm us. There will be times we are challenged to have full confidence in God from one season to the next. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5 states, "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." Hebrews 4:15-16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." We are able to approach the throne of God, not because of we do, but because of what Christ Jesus did! Because of Christ's sacrifice, we have been given the right and the privilege to come before God in complete confidence. Christ understands our weaknesses, he faced all of the same tests that we do, yet he did not sin. If we approach the throne boldly with confidence, it is there that we will receive His mercy and grace. We are not to approach the throne of the Almighty cowering in fear or behind our sins, weaknesses, or mistakes; but in great boldness, with confidence. And we come<i> knowing</i> we will receive His grace and mercy. When we approach the throne in weakness or fear, we are allowing the enemy space in our time with God. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <i>God is calling us to believe Him</i>! He is calling us to put our confidence in Him, to truly rely on and have faith that He is able. Hebrews 10:35 says, "So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward." Matthew 7:20 states "Because of your little faith. For truly I say to you, if you have faith (confidence in God) like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from her to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Faith is having complete confidence or trust in someone. God wants us to have complete faith and confidence in the things that we pray for. <i>Don't be so safe in the things you pray</i>! Declare your needs and wants before the Lord. He longs for someone to be bold, relying on Him in confidence that He will come through. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Without faith it is impossible to please God! <i>Faith is confidence, therefore without complete confidence in Christ it is impossible to please God.</i> The most monumental leap we can take toward our freedom from doubt is the leap to our knees. Begin to cry out and confess your doubt to God. Pray his word, this is one of the most life changing ways we can learn to live in the security of His promises. <i>You will be amazed at the things that begin to take place in your life when you believe God with complete confidence! </i></span><br />
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<li><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lord God, please help me to be like Abraham who, by faith, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. (Hebrews 11:8) Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before. </span></i></li>
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<li><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Father God, help me to be self-controlled and alert. My enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Help me to resist him, standing firm in the faith. I can be assured that other believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:8)</span></i></li>
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<li><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh Lord, according to your wonderful word, this the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5) Help me to see that faith is crucial if I am going to be a victor and an overcomer. </span></i></li>
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Hawsey Ever Afterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01325842192841607428noreply@blogger.com0