The Why...

If you're like me, when you hear bad news about 5 million thoughts run through your mind. When we heard those awful, unforgettable words that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat, I was heart broken. I didn't know how to comprehend how this had happened. I had 5 million thoughts that ran through my head... Why? Did I do something to cause this? My body was supposed to protect her and be a safe place until she entered the world. Could I have prevented this? What did I do? I immediately assumed it was my fault. Even though in those first few words, the doctor told us, that often times there is no reason, and you never find out why, I still wanted a reason, a why...

After they gave us a few moments and told us the plan, the Dr. told us that they would check the placenta and umbilical cord to make sure there were no visible signs as to why this happened. He also wanted us to know that we may never know... When she was delivered, she was perfect. The cord was not around her neck, there were no knots, nothing was wrong. So, my last hope was there would be a sign in the placenta. The placenta was still attached so we knew that, that was not the cause. This is a common cause, especially when you are Pre-eclamptic or a prior history of Pre-eclampsia.

When I finally delivered the placenta April was there with us, and with my last ray of hope, I asked her did she see anything. You could see the look in her eyes, she knew that I wanted a reason. But she said there was no signs of anything being wrong. She reassured me again that this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

The blame game is a very easy one to get caught up it, especially for me. I am an over-thinker. I over analyze and get myself worked up over nothing. But in this situation it was different. During the time of us being in the hospital, one of the conversations I had with my mom and Chase was that we wanted to know why. They both kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but to go over the past few days with a magnifying glass over-analyzing every little thing. Did I pick Aiden up, our very big - 30 pound 1 year old, and hurt her? Did wearing Aiden in the Ergo on Thursday night cause me to cut off her oxygen? Did I take something I wasn't supposed to take? It may seem crazy to some, but I literally went through every detail. Had I missed something that I did? I told them both that we wanted and planned on having a big family, how can I have a big family or have any peace about having more kids, if I don't know what caused this.

When Dr. Logan came in, on her day off I might add, she reassured me that there was nothing I did once again, and promised that she would do everything she could to see if we could find a cause. And she did...

Dr. Logan told us that we could come in for our postpartum check up when we were ready. As long as I felt fine, and their were no obvious complications, it was ok to wait. We waited about a week and a half, before we called to set up the appointment. I didn't think it would get to me like it did, until we were called back. Amy took my vitals like always, but this time, with tears streaming down my face. When we went back to the room to wait for Dr. Logan, I composed myself and was ok. Originally we were going to let Aiden stay with my sister, but I decided that morning that I wanted him to go with us. I knew that he would be a "distraction" for me. If he was there I could worry about him, and not have to think about everything else. I'm so glad we took him! I probably would have been 100x worse, if he hadn't been there. Dr. Logan came in and talked with us for a few minutes, and told us that she was pretty aggravated. The postpartum nurses forgot to do the blood work she ordered before discharging us from the hospital. So, none of the lab results were in. She had explained to us in the hospital, that in some cases like mine, they have found that there is a gene mutation that can case things like pre-eclampsia, miscarriages, and stillborns. Since, they didn't do the lab work then, she gave us the option to do it now or at our 6 week appointment. She explained that it would be 10-12 vials of blood, so it could take a while. But, we wanted to know if this was our answer, we wanted to explore every possible cause. So, we decided that we wanted to go ahead and do it now, especially with the chance that we could be moving in a few weeks. 

Thankfully, the lab nurse was able to hit my vein on the first try, and I was actually bleeding. I have TERRIBLE veins. It has always been a struggle getting blood or IVs. My veins are small, very deep, and don't like to bleed. So, this was a big accomplishment. ;-) About 10 minutes and 11 vials later, we were done. 

Aiden was getting restless, so Chase took him to the car while I finished up, and checked out. I was doing fine until I got to the check out counter. I asked her could I go ahead and set up my 6 week appointment now. She asked why I needed to come back at 6 weeks, and then asked did I have a miscarriage. My heart dropped. All I could say was, a stillborn. She just told me to call back to schedule when they call for my test results, so I left, of course with tears in my eyes. It was the first time I had actually said the words, and it took everything I could not to loose it right there. I held it together, and didn't breakdown like I thought I would, but the sting was still there. It was hard walking in knowing that I should still be pregnant, this was the week I was supposed to be doing my glucose test, but instead I'm there for a postpartum check-up.  Even though it didn't seem like it, I was proud of myself for holding it some-what together. However, when I got in the car, it was a different story...

Dr. Logan called me a week later and told me the words we needed to hear, but didn't want. I have a gene mutation that puts me at a higher risk for blood clotting, especially during pregnancy. She explained that this can cause pre-eclampsia (like Aiden's pregnancy), miscarriages, and stillborns. Usually, this doesn't affect a pregnancy until later in the first or second trimester of pregnancy. 

I still didn't know what it was and what all it meant until a few days ago, August 16th: Our 6 week check-up.  I have Serpine 1/PAI 1 (Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor) 4G/4G. This gene inhibits fibrinolysis - the process that prevents, and aids in the break down blood clots. 

Dr. Logan explained it to us, and told us the steps in preventing something from happening in future pregnancies. Of course, I went home and did more research on it, because that's what I do. I wanted to better understand what it is, and know as much as I can about it. Basically, because I have this gene mutation I'm at a higher risk for blood clots all the time, but during pregnancy that risk steadily increases. At week 20 the chances of blood clots is double that of a "normal" woman, and those chances are tripled at full term. If a blood clot occurs during pregnancy, it cuts off the babies oxygen and nutrients, resulting in a miscarriage or stillborn. 

So, what does this mean for our future and the future of our family? I have to take a baby aspirin a day for forever basically, which makes me feel like I'm officially getting old. And, when we are ready for it, I will have to give myself a blood thinner shot daily once we get a positive pregnancy test. Doesn't that sound like fun?!

While finding all of this out gives us closure and some peace, it didn't make me feel better, like I hoped it would. Before we found out that this was "it", I just assumed that finding out would take away some of the pain. That it would help me cope, with what happened, and stop playing the blame game. We have our reason as to "why" medically this happened, but we still don't know "why" it happened to us. I don't know "why" I have to deal with all of these issues with my body. Why do I have to deal with endometriosis, when I'm not pregnant, and now the worry of blood clots? 

It is so easy when you are hurting and vulnerable to just get down in the pits. To feel like it's one thing after another. While we got the answer that we hoped, a reason, it just didn't make things better. I'm still learning to cope with all of this, and understand that God is sovereign. He knows what's going on. He sees my pain, my worry, and my fears. He is holding us up, whether we see him or not. 

I still have moments of guilt, because it's still my body. While I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent this, it doesn't take the hurt away. My body is supposed to be a safe and secure place for a child to grow and develop. In this case, it was the opposite. {Not so} Ironically, my devotion the day we found out that this was indeed the cause happened to be on guilt. I have felt so guilty in this process. Even though, I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what was going to happen, it doesn't change the guilt. I keep asking myself, "What if I would have known that I have this mutation before her heart stopped beating?" Then I think to myself, that I could have stopped it. But, that's not the way things were meant to happen. If you believe in the sovereignty of God, then you have to believe that He is sovereign all of the time. He has a purpose, a reason, a will for everything that happens. 

Through all of this, my mind keeps replaying the story of Job. If you are like me, and were raised in church, you have probably studied Job about 500 times.... Again, {not so} ironically, I did a blog on Job a while ago. Job went through so much, but still praised God. His faith never wavered. Before Job went through all of the devastation he endured, he was already known by God. God knew what was going on, even before Job. He saw it all before it happened, but God also knew what the future held. If Job was faithful, the other side was more than he could have ever imagined it to be. 

In another book I am reading, Mending Tomorrow, the author talks about how life is all about responses to the questions that are thrown at us. We can either choose to respond in a positive way and move forward, or the opposite. There is no doubt that life is going to throw us questions, our question was "how will they respond to death." While your question may be a different, we should all strive for the same response... To turn to Christ and choose to trust Him. James is very clear on how we are supposed view trials, with great joy (James 1:2-3). In the beginning, this seems like an impossible task, but if you are truly leaning on God, He will begin to work on your heart. The author explained, that turning negatives into positive responses, doesn't mean that we are turning negative situation into a positive one, it just means that we are choosing to respond in a way that creates a positive result. We can choose to fall into the pit or we can choose to trust God. One of the hardest parts for me has been letting go and trusting God. There are moments where it has been easy, and other times that I feel like I can't let go. In these moments, I have to choose which response I'm going to make. 

There is nothing that happens to us that catches God by surprise. He sees beyond where you and I are today, and will help us move forward. This give me so much hope and peace for our future. I am clinging to Him and His promises, and so far He hasn't let me down. He has gone above and beyond. In the past month, we have experienced so much yet God has been faithful every single step of the way.

Olivia Grace has changed us in so many ways, and we like to think she has been helping God show up big time in our lives. ;-) I can't even begin to list all the things that we have always hoped for, but never imagined would happen, that have. He truly is the God of miracles. 

Our Tattoos...

Tattoos are such a taboo subject in the south. You either love them or hate them. We didn't really have a preference on them, until we had a reason to get one. 

Our before picture

After Olivia passed, we talked about getting something in tribute of her. We will NEVER forget our baby girl, and her life has changed us in so many ways, but we wanted to do something special for her. Something that would last until we were with her again. We talked about it, prayed about it, researched it, and sought out Godly wisdom on them. We both have so much peace and happiness from the designs we choose. 

The story behind mine...

I searched and searched for a cool design or something "different" that would remind me daily of my baby girl. Every thing I looked at just didn't seem "good enough." At first, I talked about getting her foot prints, but I just didn't like the way that looked; and it would be easy for people to assume they were Aiden's. I wanted something that not only reminded me of Olivia and the impact her life has made, but that would also give me a reason to share our story. 

I was doing my quiet time, and reading my book, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" [Which has helped me tremendously, and I believe I came across it at the exact moment God wanted me to in Barnes and Noble.] when something stood out to me. Her name. The devotional for that day was on not being afraid to say your child's name. It talked about how to some, saying the name may make them feel uncomfortable, but by calling their name, it is refusing to let their life be forgotten and aids in the healing process. It went on to talk about how God knew your child's name, before you even named that child. 

"But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, he who formed you: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15-16

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

One of my fears, has been that life will just "go on" as it was before. That Olivia will be forgotten, as though she never existed. Reading this brought into perspective that no matter what happens, who knows, who doesn't know, who forgets, who remembers... The One who spoke the Earth into creation, not only knows my baby's name, He knows her. For me, her name means everything. We choose the perfect name for our baby girl, because we wanted it to have the perfect meaning. While I was pregnant we searched and searched for a name that we not only loved, but that also held power in it's meaning. God knew what the future held, and he knew that the meaning of her name would get us through these dark times. He knew exactly what we needed.

This gave me the idea for the perfect tattoo... Her name. There is nothing that means more to me, than her name... Olivia Grace. It is a daily reminder of the peace and grace that we have received in the darkest of times. It is a reminder of my precious, perfect baby girl. It is a reminder that God's Will be done, and the He knows best. It is a reminder that God is not done with us yet, and that He has the final say.

I immediately knew that I wanted my tattoo on my arm. As a mom, you look forward to being able to hold and love on your kids all the time. I'm able to carry Aiden in my arms (right now) whenever I want. I was only able to hold Olivia in my arms for a few moments, before she was taken away. My heart aches with such longing to hold my baby girl in my arms; to be able to wrap her up, and kiss her forehead. Because she no longer lives on this Earth, her name and story is all I have. By getting her name tattoo'd on my arm is my way to always carry her with me, even when I can not physically carry her.

The blue at the top, is from when I was deciding on where to place it. ;-)

The story behind Chase's...

Chase could probably write this, and explain his way better than I can, but I will try and explain it, however, I advise you to ask him when you see him. :-) 

Chase wanted something that was dedicated to our baby girl, but that also had a double meaning. He wanted something that would make people ask what his tattoo meant. So, that is what he got. :-) We both love his design, and Shane did an awesome job of turning his idea into an awesome piece. 

His tattoo uses the Greek lettering of Alpha (his right) and Omega (his left), Chi (the X) and Rho (the P). Chi and Rho are the first two letter of Christ in Greek. Alpha means the beginning, and Omega means the ending. The "leaves" around the crest are olive branches. The name Olivia literally means olive tree. In the bible an olive tree or olive branches, are a symbol of peace. (Read the story of Noah) So, if you put the whole tattoo together, it means that Christ is both the beginning and ending of all peace. 

Chase's explanation is that Christ is the source of his peace, it is found only in Him. The olive branches, have a double meaning, because of what Olivia's name means, they are also a tribute to her. They are surrounding the letters, because it is through her that we have been able to find true peace through Him. 

Chase's outline 

Our tattoos are a constant reminder of our baby girl, and the goodness of our God. We absolutely love them, and are so proud of them. It gives me hope and oh, so much joy!

Thy Will...

Thy will be done... That is something that I'm sure many of us had prayed, sang, and trusted in. Thy (God's) will be done. What does that mean? What is God's will?

Here is what the bible says about God's will..

1. "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

2. "Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20-21

3.  "Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15-17

4. "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36

5. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that be testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

It's even in the Lord's prayer...

6. "....your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..." Matthew 6:10

This is what Jesus said was his will, his purpose...

7. "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day." John 6:38-40

So what is God's will? I believe that while we do have the choice of free will, each of us have a certain "purpose" on this Earth. We have to make the choice to fulfill that "purpose" or "will".  The first choice we make towards fulfilling His will for our lives is whether or not we will choose Him. His will is that His children love Him and seek Him. Without Him, we are nothing. There is no "will" or "purpose" without the Sovereignty of God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength... Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

The very first thought I had, after coming to the realization that our Olivia was gone, was "God, how can this be your will." In my mind, in that moment, God had taken away my baby girl. He had crushed my hopes and dreams. Throughout this process of grief and healing, I have often repeated that same question. I just don't understand how this can be a part of His plan. How can God allow us to hurt this much? I have read so many scriptures, testimonies, blogs, and several devotions and still haven't come up with an answer. I don't think that we will ever truly understand why this happened on this earth, but we can have hope. We can lean on God and trust that his will is the best. He is Sovereign. He is God and I am not... He is the God of miracles... His life is flowing through my veins... He has given us promise after promise, and he will not fail us. 

"God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid." Psalm 46:1-2

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

"Do you now know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" 1 Corinthians 3:16

By clinging to God's promises, we feel safe and secure, protected, and led. He is our refuge. In Him, we can find comfort. We can find peace. We can find strength. We can find true joy and happiness again. In Him, his will, will be revealed. 

I stand before You now

The greatness of your renown

While I don't have all the answers, and still don't understand why this happened to us, I do see the affect it has had. It has been through much prayer and studying, that I have realized that God did not take away my baby girl, He saved her. As much as I want Olivia Grace here on this earth with me, she is in heaven. I'm sure if she had the choice, she would choose to stay there, and I couldn't blame her. She will never experience the kind of heartache that I have, she gets to live in heaven for eternity with our Savior. She drew the big straw, she gets the better end of the deal. Her life has purpose, and has brought so much joy to our lives. She has changed us. And I like to think that she is helping God align the path for our family. 

I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you

King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

A few days after the passing of Olivia Grace, Chase got an unexpected email. Before everything happened, we had been praying about God's will for our lives and family. We wanted more out of life. We want(ed) so bad to make an impact for the kingdom, and it just didn't feel like we were doing that where we are. We talked and prayed about whether or not we felt like this opportunity was something that we wanted to pursue. At first, I had so many emotions and was broken about it. (I was already broken enough without adding anything else on top of that.) It seemed like this was the perfect opportunity, but I didn't understand why now. I was scared. I was scared that if we made any decisions, that we were choosing to move on, and I wasn't ready. I was not ready to "get over" the fact that I had just lost a child. Now seemed like the most unconventional, and worst time for God to start answering prayers. Especially, when we just cried out to him a few days ago to make our baby girl move. In my selfish mind, I felt like if He was going to answer any prayers, it should have been that one. If you can't tell, I was mad at God... I felt like this was all His fault. I kept thinking, "How am I supposed to pray about a decision that could ultimately separate me from my baby girl." If we stay where we are, we are only 10 minutes away from where she lays "sleeping." It was during all of this, that God broke my heart even more, but in a totally different way. My sweet, loving, Godly husband snapped me out of it... And I will never forget his words... "This is going to make you cry and it is going to upset you, but I have to say it. She is not there. Her body is there, but she is not, and you know it. No matter where we go she will be with us. We will never forget her." He was right, and the flood gates opened. He said I couldn't let fear of leaving because this is where she is buried stand in the way of what God wants. He said we didn't have to make a decision right this second, but made me promise to pray about it. I sat on my couch, holding Aiden, crying and praying most of the afternoon. 

As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

I didn't pray for an answer, I just prayed for peace. "If this is your will, give me peace." That's all I wanted. That's all I needed. Peace. Remember from my previous blog, Olivia means a symbol of peace. :-) While I was crying out to the Lord, basically begging for peace, it was like a wave overcame me. 

For You are for us

You are not against us

God can give you unexplainable peace. Before all of this happened, I struggled with anxiety almost daily. I have anxiety attacks, which are easier to hide, but make me feel like I'm dying on the inside. I usually just work myself up to that point, and I have no idea why. So, having peace is always something that I've struggled with. Not that I don't trust God, I've just let fear get in the way in my peace. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm off of all anxiety medicine now, because I am not, but I can tell you that I have more peace now than I have ever had. God has used everything that has happened to work on certain areas in my life, and this is a big one! 

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

Chase text me and asked if it was a thumbs up or thumbs down on my end, because he needed to know what I was feeling. I sent him a thumbs up. I had my answer, and the reassurance I needed from the one who holds the future. I still had a lot of questions, and some fear, but I had to trust in God's will, and that He would work everything out for us. 

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in

While we have prayed over every position we've ever taken, this one was different. The prayer and thinking that went into this decision was more than any other. Our life is different now. For one, we are moving for the first time with a child, but we also just had to bury a child. My fear was that people would think that we were taking this position to try and run away from what happened. I told Chase before we left for our visit, that I was scared people would think or say that. And some have... As much as I wish there were, the is absolutely no way to run from the pain of losing a child. It is not something you can run or get away from. That child is always with you. Olivia will be with us no matter where we are. {Call me what you want, but every time I say that or think that the song "He Lives in You" from The Lion King plays in my head. (I admit that I am a Disney Junkie and have an obsession with all things Disney, and am proud of it.) But, it's the truth! Just change He to She...} This decision was not a spur of the moment decision, because of what we were going through. This decision has been prayed over, thought over, and we have sought out the Lord's will.

I have heard You calling my name

I have heard the song of love that You sing

It is no secret that we LOVE Disney, but our love for Disney goes further than just Disney. Every time we've gone to Disney, we have fallen more in love with the area and location (Orlando). During all of our prayers and seeking, we have talked about and prayed that God would put an area on our heart. When we began praying for our ministry, and where God might lead us next, we wanted to not only have a heart for the church, but also the city. This was something that we had never prayed before. Before, we only focused on the church. While the church is so very important, we believe that you also need a heart for the community. How are you supposed to minister to the community, if you don't have a heart for it? 

So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore

Into Your grace

Your grace

When we took our last trip to Disney in late May-early June, it was just Chase and I. We talked about how we both such a heart for that area. We also talked about how amazing it would be to do this all the time, to be able to raise our kids there. It was only a few days after we left, that the shooting happened in Orlando. We both literally ached for the community. To us, it almost felt like "home." 

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

I say all of this, to show you that God will give you the desires of your heart. He will bless you far more than you've ever imagined. In all of our pain that we faced, we never imagined that on opportunity like this was waiting just around the corner. When it didn't seem like it, He was listening to our prayers. He was preparing us for His ministry. 

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

We went on July 22-25 to "try out" and formally interview for the position. I say "we" but ultimately it was Chase. We both fell in love with the area, the church, the vision, and the possibilities. It was everything that we had prayed for. The church is in Altamonte Springs, Florida, which is just outside of Orlando... It is approximately 30 miles to the entrance gate of Magic Kingdom, according to google maps. ;-)

I like to think that Olivia had a hand in this move and opportunity. Everything has lined up perfectly for us. We had initially planned on getting involved in a support group that is located in Montgomery, before we decided to take this position. They take summers off, and start back in August, so we were having to wait until they started back with their monthly meetings. We have recently found out that there is not only a huge support group for people who like us, have experienced the loss of  infants, but there are also a few people in the church who have a very similar story to ours.

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you made

As much as we would have never chosen this path of grief and loss, it has completely changed our lives and our ministry. There are so many people that we will now be able to connect with and show the love and grace of Christ, that we would have never been able to minister too before this. We are so excited to see what God has in store for us, and for His ministry. He is making me brave, and calming all of our fears. He is still working and changing me, for His glory. He is continually revealing His will for us. Seek Him, and you will find Him.

Look out Disney, here we come!! :-)

https://youtu.be/6Hi-VMxT6fc

Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 2

This blog will be much different than any I have ever written. Although I haven't written much in the past, this is something I feel lead to do given with the events that have taken place in my life in the past month. I feel like I have to do this. I need to let my voice be heard, in honor of my baby girl. If you haven't read Part 1, I encourage you to do so before reading any further.

Just to add a disclaimer, I am going to go into few of the details of the birth and death of our little girl, because it is all a part of our story. Without all the details, it isn't really our story, it's just a version of the story.

 The One who made the blind to see 

Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me

Monday, July 4th - The worst day of my life.

July 4th for most is a day of celebration. You get to enjoy fireworks, usually good food, and sometimes even parades. For us, July 4th will never be the same. I was ready to get labor over, but I wasn't ready for it. It was a mixture of emotions. I knew that after I delivered, there was no going back. Even though, she had already passed, Olivia wasn't officially dead until she was born. And I would no longer be pregnant. While we were there, I told Chase several times that I just wanted to go home. If we were home, none of this was happening.

 Today, I was exactly 24 weeks along. Although my pregnancy had been perfect up to this point,  I dreaded week 24. The closer it got, the more anxious I became. At 24 weeks with Aiden, I started having signs of pre-eclampsia; high blood pressure and severe swelling. I was scared that this pregnancy would be the same. I had no idea, that in the pregnancy, I would be getting ready to deliver at week 24.

Early that morning, around 2 am, I had finally progressed to 6 centimeters. My nurse, Devon, suggested that I roll onto my left side, because sometimes that speeds up the progress. They only really expected me to make it to 7, and then be able to deliver because of how small Olivia was. After helping me get onto my side, because half of my body was numb, Devon left the room for us to rest. I was in and out of sleep for a while, before I woke up in a lot of pain. I woke Chase up and told him he needed to help me roll back over and sit up because I was hurting. During all of that my mom also woke up from a very short cat nap. The nurses and Dr. kept telling me that when I felt pressure, I needed to let them know. Because I had a c-section with Aiden, I was unsure of what I should be feeling, and what was normal. We determined that this was definitely the pressure they were talking about, and not just a contraction. So, my mom went and told Devon. She came in to check, and by a miracle, I was complete. I had made it to 10 centimeters. When she said that, the flood gates opened, and the heaviness set it. The room fell silent.

The One who made the deaf to hear

Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear

Devon went to call the doctor and let him know that we were ready. She came back in with the delivery table and got everything set up. I asked for one more dose of pain medicine before we started pushing, because the feeling was starting to come back. I was scared that this delivery was going to end up like Aiden's, and the epidural would wear off completely.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity for Dr. Lawhon to come in. Once he finally got there, we still had to wait a few more minutes before the anesthesiologist came in with the medicine. The whole time we waited, we all sat in complete silence.  There was nothing to say, nothing to do. We all knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing that was going to change it.

I kept praying in those silent moments for God to give me strength. I was completely terrified, devastated, and broken. I didn't want to do this, and I didn't think I could. I wanted to take the easy way out.  I kept thinking that a c-section would be so much easier. They could just put me to sleep, and I wouldn't have to worry about any of it. I am so thankful that they did not do that, and that I was able to deliver naturally. 

Once the anesthesiologist came in and re-dosed the medicine, Dr. Lawhon said we would wait a few minutes for the medicine to kick in. I was so ready for it all to be done, but was not ready for it to happen. After another 10 minutes that felt like eternity, we got everything and everyone into position. Chase was on my right, and my mom on my left. The Dr. said hopefully it will only take a few pushes, but explained that I would have to push. After the first push, I broke. I told them I couldn't do it, the truth is I could do it. I knew I could do it, but I did not want to. I did not want to do this. I did not want to be there. I was not ready for it to be over. I wasn't ready to come face to face with reality. Chase and my mom reassured me that I could do it. And with one more push, she was born.

July 4th at 3:50 am, Olivia Grace Hawsey was born sleeping, weighing 1 pound and 4 ounces and she was 14 inches long. She looked just like her big brother, and was absolutely perfect in every way.

Devon had asked prior if we wanted to hold her after she was born, or if we wanted her to go dress her and bring her back, or what we wanted to do. The hospital has a thing called a Cuddle Cot for stillborn babies. It holds the baby and keeps it cool, so that the baby can stay with the parents for longer, if they wanted. We decided that we wanted to hold her after she was born, and then get pictures of her. I felt like if we kept her with us the whole time in a cuddle cot, I would only make the situation worse, and make myself sick.

They handed our baby girl to me. She was so tiny, but so precious. We sat there for a few minutes holding each other, and crying over our baby girl. And then just like that, she was gone...

Because everything happened so early, my placenta was not ready to come out. If we couldn't get it to loosen, I would have to have surgery. So, once again they upped my dosage of Cytotec, and said it would take more time. However, I finally felt some relief, but the brokenness remained.

Before Brittany left on the 3rd, she told us what nurses were on schedule for the 4th, because she was off. She wanted us to pick who we wanted, so that we would be comfortable with who would be with us. We gave her 2 names without hesitation, April and Lisa. Both April and Lisa were there for us during Aiden's delivery. Lisa was our nurse, but April was also with us for the majority of the time. Lisa got put on call, so April came to our rescue at shift change. For a nurse to willingly take on a case like ours, is a big deal. If I was a nurse, I would dread having me as a patient. All of our nurses were absolutely amazing, but April is my angel, she was God sent. She cried with me, prayed with me, took care of me, and had the biggest impact on me. She also has a little boy just a few months younger than Aiden, we had exchanged clothes and advice several times. ;-) So we already knew April, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be anyone else, we could just be ourselves with her. Chase kept joking that if I could just make it to shift change, April would give me whatever I wanted, not that any of the other nurses didn't, but it would be different with her. And he was so right...

When April came in, you could see the heaviness on her face and that she was fighting the tears. To have a nurse who hurts with you and truly cares for you is like a ray of hope. In such a dark situation, we needed that hope. She told me that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently, and that Olivia was just too perfect for this world. (I can still hear and see her saying those exact words.)

April went and dressed Olivia in a precious dress and bonnet, and took a few pictures for us. They also put together a memory box for us that holds everything in it; her gown and bonnet, footprints, pictures, a card from all the nurses, her hospital bracelet, and several other things. Everything was absolutely perfect, and we are so appreciative for such an amazing hospital staff. 

After several checks to see if it was ready, we were able to deliver the placenta later that afternoon. Thankfully, no surgery. We were then moved to postpartum, and away from our favorite nurses... but this meant I could get a shower and walk around. When April got us to the room, she told me to text her if I needed anything or if they weren't giving me something. She then asked if she could pray with me. I don't think anyone in the room avoided tears...

Later that afternoon my mom left so that she could get some rest and a shower. Since everything happened so suddenly, none of us had been able to get showers, grab clothes, or anything. We all basically came to the hospital straight from Aiden's party. None of us were prepared for any of this. Shortly after she left, my dad and sister got there with Aiden, Lilly Kate, and Amelia. We were so glad to see Aiden, but my heart broke even more on the inside. Seeing him with other kids, hurt more than I thought it would. He wouldn't get to meet his sister, or run around and play with her like he did LK. I was looking forward to watching Aiden and Olivia grow up together, and now that dream was crushed.

While they were there, a lady came in for us to sign the birth/death certificate. We weren't really sure what was going on, until she proceeded talking about it. So, we asked that Lauren and AJ take the kids out for a few minutes so that we could fill out all the information. I wasn't sure how it would work, and if would we have to fill out both a birth and death certificate. However, instead of getting both, you get a certificate of birth for a stillborn.

After she left, we let the everyone come back in for a few minutes while AJ went to go get Chase and I supper. And then they left to go catch some fireworks. They are definitely brave to take 3 kids - a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a 3 week old - to watch fireworks. ;-)

They had given us the option to either stay the night again, or be released, since I wasn't having any issues. We decided that we would feel more comfortable staying one more night. I didn't want to end up back in the hospital, like we did after Aiden's birth. After everyone left, and we were done eating, we asked the nurse if she could give me something to help me sleep. She came back with some medicine, and for the first time I actually truly slept since hearing the news.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

Tuesday, July 5th - Leaving empty handed.

When you're in the hospital, you don't really "wake up," its more like you are in and out of sleep, nurses are coming in and out, you are getting medicine every 4 hours, and then there is shift change. That's how it was for most of the morning. We knew that a few things were going to happen on this day... First, Wayne would come and meet the Chaplin to get our baby girl and take her to the funeral home. Second, we would be released to go home. When Wayne got there I couldn't help but to start crying. Even though Olivia wasn't with us, her body was still in the same place we were. When Wayne got there, it hit me that her body was going to be taken away. I wouldn't get another chance to hold her in this life. There was no going back. 

After we got everything situated, and Wayne left, we just sat there. We had to wait several hours to be discharged, because I'm O negative, we had to wait on test results to see if I needed a RHOgam shot. Once we found out that I did indeed need the shot, we had to wait for them to figure out the dosage and how many shots I would need. Dr. Logan called and said that I needed FIVE shots, and I could only receive 2 doses at a time. If you're O- and a woman, you know how a RHOgam shot is... It is not a fun shot to receive. Thankfully, because Dr. Logan is amazing, she said that we could take the shots at home and let Chase's mom give them to me.

Most of the time we spent waiting, we were silent. We didn't want to go home. We didn't want to face the reality of what had happened. We didn't want to face people. While we were at the hospital, we were in a bubble. No one could come and see us without our permission. Everyone who came in, knew what happened and were extremely sensitive to the situation. When we finally got released, we asked if they would just let me walk. I didn't want to have to ride in a wheel chair. If I walked, I felt like that would give me something to think about, and it would allow me to have some sense of dignity. We ended up with the same postpartum nurse that we had with Aiden, so she let me walk. She walked with us to the door, and then we said our goodbyes. I was ok until we got to the doors. When we walked through those double doors, I fell apart. It was like my whole body just stopped and I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, my heart physically hurt, and I felt like I was drowning. I should be leaving the hospital with my baby girl, but we were leaving empty handed.

I cried most of the ride home. We stopped and got lunch, even though I could barely eat anything. I just kept telling Chase that it wasn't fair, and that it sucked. I don't know how many times I've said those words in the past month. I just didn't understand how something like this could happen to people like us, we are in ministry. I felt like God had turned his back on us. He could have saved Olivia. There was a part of me that was mad at Him, but the majority of it was that I was completely broken. I told Chase that I have always told myself that I could never go through a miscarriage or anything like that, because I could not handle it. I have always had the most respect for people who have miscarried or lost children, because I could not imagine their pain. I now know that pain. We talked about how we have never experienced pain with crying, but when you cry over the death of your child, it literally and physically hurts. It is an ache that I wish on no one.

When we got home my, dad was there with Aiden. He and my sister tag teamed keeping Aiden, and cleaning our house. We are so, so grateful for our family and friends! They have been amazing in helping us, keeping Aiden, and going above and beyond for us. Chase unloaded the few things we had in the car, and we both came in for hugs and love from baby Aiden. Shortly after we had been home my mom came over, followed by Chase's parents, and then two of our close friends who brought us a few groceries. Bringing groceries may not seem like a big deal, but when you live in a small town, you are thankful for people who offer to go get what you need.

Everyone stayed and talked for a while, and we went over the final details for the graveside service on Wednesday. My mom was the last one to leave, and she stayed until we were ready for bed. After she left, I laid in my bed and cried. From our room, the room that you see was supposed to be Olivia's. All of the things that we had bought her were in that room. Although, we hadn't bought a ton of stuff yet, I had already had an idea of how I wanted her room decorated and arranged. In that room, was supposed to be where my baby girl slept. Now, it is where all we have "left" of her is. I eventually dosed off...

The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole

Wednesday, July 6th - A day of solitude.

It was such a weird day at our house. The weather was yucky, it was cloudy and rainy for the majority of the day. Even Aiden wasn't quite acting like himself. We woke up that morning with such a heaviness. I couldn't imagine how I was about to get through what we were about to do. The clock seemed to be moving so slowly, and I was just ready to get it all over with. We were dreading having to go to our baby's funeral. I kept thinking to myself, how in the world was I going to hold it together. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be picking out what my one year old is going to wear to his baby sister's funeral. I should still be pregnant, not wearing a dress that I couldn't wear 3 days ago.

We decided that we would arrive at the graveside as close to 2:00 as we could, that way, hopefully, no one would come up to us. We didn't want to talk to anyone. We didn't want to be there. We didn't want to be at our daughter's funeral. Even though we are so thankful for the people who came, and the love that was shown to us, in that moment, we didn't want to face anyone. We didn't know how to process what we were going through. When the clock finally hit 1:45, we decided it was time to leave. The ten minute car ride seemed to take forever, and I couldn't fight back the tears anymore. I cried the whole way there. I told Chase that I'm 24, I have had to go through more things than some 50 year olds have never thought of facing. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this.

When we pulled up, I lost it, again. I didn't want to face people, I didn't think I could. They saved us a parking spot right by the burial spot, so that I wouldn't have to walk far, but I felt like everyone was starring at us. It was a moment of pure vulnerability. Mrs. Carolyn, the funeral director, was so kind and compassionate. She met us at the car with an umbrella, and told me to take my time. We sat there for a few minutes until I was ready to get out. I kept praying for God to give me strength, I needed help to make it through. There was nothing like walking up and seeing that tiny white casket laying in front of me, knowing it was holding my baby girl.

The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins

I honestly don't remember anything that was said at the small service we had. I do, however, remember the faces. I remember the looks, the pity, the expressions that said "I know where you've been," and the ones that said "I'm so thankful I didn't have to go through this." We told our Pastor that we wanted to keep it short, because we knew that there was nothing that really needed to be said. We knew where our baby girl was, and there was nothing that could be said to make it "better." We buried Olivia Grace with her Minnie lovey and our hearts.

A few people made the comment that we were saying our "final goodbye" to her that day. I absolutely HATED that. I wanted to scream so bad that it was not our final goodbye. How can I say goodbye to my baby before I even get to say "hello" or "I love you"? How can I say goodbye when I know I will see her again? How can I say goodbye to someone that I would give my life to bring back? I will not say goodbye, because she lives. She is with us. I see her everywhere, and think about her constantly.

"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life.." John 3:36

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

"For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” Acts 2:39

Although we do not understand why this happened, God knew. He holds the future. We can survive this tragedy, because we believe in a Sovereign God. He is all knowing and all powerful. We lean on the hope that we will see our Olivia Grace again. It will be such a sweet moment to pick up my baby girl and be able to kiss her sweet forehead, like i do her big brother every night. 

"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Everyday is a new and different day...

The day after the funeral, July 7th, was our 3rd Anniversary. Chase decided that we needed to get out of the house, I was not convinced. I knew that staying home wouldn't do me or him any good, and with everything that he had done for me the past few days, I decided that I would give in. We decided to go to Destin for the day. We went shopping, ate, and went to see The Legend of Tarzan (which is an amazing movie). I did much better than I thought I would for the majority of the day. I was scared that I was going to break down or have a panic attack in the middle of a crowd. Thankfully, I only had one moment where I had to leave a store, but for the most part, I held it together except for in the car.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

The first week was extremely hard, especially Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. Grief, especially grief of a child, is hard. The first week all I could think about was what happened. I was so mad and upset. I hated that this happened to me. I didn't want this to be my life. I was supposed to have the "perfect" family. But, when you have other kids (or a one year old), it is especially hard. You can't sit and dwell, you have to be ok. I had to be strong not only for Aiden, but also for Olivia. 

Her life has meaning and purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 still holds truth, even if she is not on this earth. We have talked several times about how we don't want her life to be for nothing, and it isn't. If no body else is changed though all of this, we are. We are different. Our relationship is different, we are different parents, our ministry is different, we see everything differently now. When you face something as awful as death, there are two things you can do... You can run and be bitter or you can allow it to change and mold you. We have discussed several times how we don't understand how people can turn away from God during times like this. The only way that we are surviving and healing, is by pressing into God and each other. 

There are so many scriptures and songs that have opened my eyes and heart. In our studying, there have been two songs that we liked before, but after we found out their meaning and how they were written, we LOVE them now. It's amazing how God lines things up for us. He holds and sees the future. 

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One

Every single need that we have had, has been met above and beyond what we expected. The burial and headstone was covered in full, without anything coming out of our account. We have had several meals brought to us. The love poured out to us has been overwhelming, and we are so grateful. 

On July 20th, I was finally ready to go pick out what we would put at her grave. I hated pulling up to it, and it having nothing on it. No one knew who was buried there, and that bothered me. I wanted everyone to know who she was. We had looked at a few designs online just to get an idea before we went to the company that does the engraving and set up. I was perfectly fine the whole day, but when we walked in, and explained why we were there, I couldn't fight back the tears. Chase had to do all the talking. It was just too much for me. We knew that we wanted a beveled marker, and how we wanted her name and date, but there are so many choices when it come to designs and borders. It was a bit overwhelming. The lady that was there was so kind and helped us pick out exactly what we wanted for our baby girl. We had to stop by the grave on the way home so that we could put out a marker for them. On the way back I couldn't stop the tears. I told Chase that it just wasn't fair and that I was to young to have to worry about what I am going to put on my daughter's grave. We talked about it for a few minutes, and how everything was going to be ok. The company emailed us the design before submitting it, so that we could approve it or tweak it. We decided we wanted to change one small thing, before finalizing it. 

The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles!
You're the God of miracles!

Chase and I were both raised in church, and we both grew up reciting John 3:16... Before all of this, I understand that God sent his only Son to die for our sins, but I couldn't relate to that pain. For us, John 3:16 has a whole new meaning. To come to the realization, that God sent his son to die, even when he didn't have to means so much more now that I have experienced the pain of losing my child. God could have saved His Son, but He didn't so that you and I could go to heaven. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't sacrifice the life of my children for anyone. That is true love. And he did this for you and I... 

I didn't have my phone the majority of the time that we were in the hospital. I didn't want to talk to anyone. However, both Chase and my mom had gotten a few texts, calls, and messages. My mom got one call from a friend of her's mother. Precious Mrs. Faye… she had been through the same thing many years ago. She wanted to call and check on me, and see how we were doing. If you know Mrs. Faye, you know that she is an amazing woman of God. I believe that she will have more crowns than she will know what to do with in Heaven. While on the phone with my mom, she told her that Olivia was met at the gates of heaven by my Nana and Granny and that they would take care of her, of course that made us all cry. While it does give me some comfort, it still hurts. My earthly body is selfish. I want Olivia here with me. I often think about what it is like, and am reminded that even though I would give anything to bring her back, she is better there. She will never have to deal with the pain of death. She will never be sick. She will never experience heartbreak. She gets to live forever in such a glorious place, never having to experience the tragedies of this world. 

"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth." Isaiah 25:8

Today makes one month since we held our baby girl. I wish that I could say that we are better, and that our pain is gone, but it is not. Grief is something that I don't think you ever get over. You learn how to cope. I read an article that described the pain of grief like waves, and it was so true. It said, "in the beginning, it's like the waves of a storm. They are high and crashing in constantly, it seems as if you are going to drown. But slowly, the waves start getting further apart. There may be something that you see or hear that brings back the big waves, but for the most part they are manageable, and you know when to expect them."

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

This journey of grief has just begun for us. I know that there will be more "bad" days. There will be days that if you see me, I may look like a zombie or I may fall apart in front of you. But there is one thing that I know... God is in control. He will give me the strength I need to face tomorrow.  

I have also included a link to the song "Miracles," and an interview about how the song came to be. 

https://youtu.be/IOslAAUcKcc

https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I

I couldn't find a video with just the testimony, so you only have to watch like the first two minutes. The rest of the video teaches you how to play it. ;-)