The Weight of Easter

My world, my faith, my worship, and how I "celebrate" Holidays have all been different ever since July 4, 2016. Nothing is the same after you experience loss. In one book that I read, the author talked about how it was as if she had lived two different lives. There was life before death and life after death... and that is so, so true. Everything is just different. Christmas and Easter are two of the hardest Holidays for me. And I feel like Easter is often overlooked. 

We are an altar of broken stones

But You delight in the offering

I think we focus so much on the resurrection and Heaven, that its easy to overlook the days leading up to it. The betrayal. The confusion. The loss. The promise. The pain. The weight. The fact that an all powerful God, who created the Heavens and Earth, who can literally do anything, allowed his only Son to suffer immensible pain for you and me. 

You have the heavens to call Your home

But You abide in the song we sing

Jesus, asking his Father if it were possible to take the cup from Him, knowing the weight of the cup he bore, still chose to take it. I don't know about you, but for me, when my kids ask me something 9 times out of 10, I give them what they ask for. If they were asking for me to spare their life in exchange for someone else's... What would you do?  

Ten thousand angels surround Your throne

To bring You praise that will never cease

Even while sitting at the table with the one he knew was ultimately going to hand him a death sentence, still Jesus did not react in any way toward Judas other than in love.

But hallelujah from here below

Is still Your favorite melody

We sing

Hallelujah

Pilate, finding no fault in Jesus, rather obliging the demands of the people, put Jesus to death while releasing a murder in his place.

And should the fire that once burned bright

Become an ember my eyes can't see

He (Jesus) was perfect, blameless, without sin. He was beaten, mocked, and treated as a criminal. He didn't deserve to die, but he did. And he did it for you, for me, and for the people who were demanding his crucifixion. 

I will remember Your sacrifice

I will abide in Your love for me

Oh, we sing

Hallelujah

Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and promise on the cross. He made right every wrong. He saved you and me from death. We can find life and light because of Him. Through Him, we can be different. Through Him, we are no longer bound to sin. We become pure and Holy, because of his flawless life.

Jesus Christ our King enthroned

All the praise is Yours forevermore

Before loss, I focused on the resurrection. The Good News. What I like to think of as the happy side of Easter. And Easter is 110% a reason to celebrate. There is so much meaning and power behind Easter. But the new me, sees something that I've never seen before. The pain of the Father. The suffering He endured, knowing that he was offering up his only son to death. I can feel it. I can see it. I know it. But it wasn't for nothing. It was for a purpose. It was for me. It was FOR you. Don't let that suffering, that pain, that perfect life go to waste. How do you choose to live for that gift? How are you making the most of it? 

Hallelujah here below

All the praise is Yours forevermore

Now that I've been through the pain and I've seen the other side, it is so good. The sting of death is still present, and always will be, but we now have three miracles that remind us every day of the promises fulfilled. There is a purpose. There is a reason. There is a good God who loved you so much that He gave everything for you. Because of Him, one day you will be made completely whole. You will understand everything. All because of Christ, the cross, and the resurrection. 

https://youtu.be/M7MR77AVBOs

Oh Baby, Baby

   

    A few weeks ago, Aiden randomly started asking me for a little sister. It started one day on the playground. He came up to me and boldly asked "Mommy, where's my little sister?" I had no clue what to say to him. We've talked to him a little bit about his sisters in heaven, but at three, he doesn't quite understand. He was so young when we lost them that he doesn't remember. I fought back the tears and all I could reply back to him that day was "I don't know." What he didn't know was a shortly before this, I had taken a test. One that could very well, make his wish a reality here on earth.

   Over the years, we have learned to expect the unexpected. You truly never know what tomorrow holds. In August, we were surprised with an unexpected shock. The two blue lines staring back at told us everything we needed to know. We are pregnant, again. The fear and worry instantly gripped me. Asa was only 6 months old; Aiden was just 8 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia. I was told not to get pregnant within 4-6 months, preferably 6, of each pregnancy due to the baby having higher chances of Trisomy 21. I asked Chase the question, "What if Asa was our one and only miracle? What if he's it?" Not in saying that Asa isn't enough, because he is. We are so thankful and blessed by his precious life. I just do not want to face another loss, and the thought of that scares me.

    When we found out, I was already 6 weeks pregnant, which meant we only had to wait 4 more weeks before we could have genetic testing done. I thought this would make the wait easier since it was shorter, but I'm not sure if it did or didn't. With Asa, I had the test and within 3-4 days I had the results. With this pregnancy, I had the test done and it took exactly a week to get the results. It seemed like it took forever before I actually got the call. In my head I had it all planned out all week,  what I would do when they called. I would find a quite spot so no matter what the results were I could be alone. It just so happened that they called when we were right in the middle of checking out at Target. Chase and I had talked about it all morning. What if today was the day. I even sat in the car most of the time while we were running errands, just in case. I didn't think it would be while we were in Target. I even made the comment to him before we walked in that my doctor's office was closing in 30 minutes, so I guess it would be next week before we found out anything.

   Since the beginning, Aiden has been adamant, he was having a baby girl. Anytime we talked about it with him or asked him, it was always 'it's a girl.' He was getting a little sister. I asked Chase what was going to happen if he didn't have a little sister, because his little heart was set on a baby girl. When Debbie called to give me the results she said everything came back perfect and within all of the normal ranges. She then asked if I was ready to know the gender. All of the nurses at my Dr's office know our story. They knew what we went through to get Asa here, they know that we have lost two little girls, and they were all shocked that we were back so soon - but they were all SO excited for us. You could hear the joy in her voice when she said "It's a baby girl." I had to keep telling myself to hold it together until we got out of Target, but I could not wait to tell Aiden he was getting his sister.

    Shortly after we had Asa, Chase and I were talking. I told him that I felt like our family wasn't complete. It had nothing to do with the kids we had or didn't have, but I just didn't feel done. We decided we were done for a while. We would revisit the idea later, in the future, when the boys were older. Pregnancy is just so hard for me, and it takes a lot from both of us. We really wanted to just enjoy life, but God had different plans. I never told Chase, but after that talk I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. In the dream, Asa wasn't a baby, but he wasn't very old either. At the time, I just played it off as just a dream because we had been talking about it. Now I look back and think maybe God was just giving me a little bit of peace that it would all be ok.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

    So far, everything has gone perfectly. Every doctor's appointment has been meet with peace and encouragement. The fear is still there, especially on ultrasound days, but I know that God is good. He is for me and He is for you. No matter what you're going through, He will meet you there. He's done it again and again for me. In the ugly, in the pain, in the bitterness and jealousy, through it all, He has shown me His love. I am so, so thankful for all 5 of the precious lives I've been able to carry. Each one is an important part of our family and special in their own way, even the ones who didn't get to stay that long. We are too excited for this little girl, and are just so thankful for this precious life we've been given. She's got some pretty great guardian angels looking out for her.

👼💕💖

Sweet diva girl at 12 weeks 🎀

A Broken Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you  have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. 

"But you, Oh  Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high."  Psalms 3:3 GW

I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to experience a Mother's Day surrounded by all of my children. I love and am obsessed with the two sweet boys I have here on earth, but today is also a painful reminder of the two little girls that I gave with to who aren't here. 

I feel like today is a day that we as moms, are supposed to be the happiest. Today is all about us. We are just expected to be ok and that's not always the case. Maybe the expectation is just one that we (or I) just put on our(my)self. Sometimes we just need a moment, or twenty, because we are so overcome by emotions or grief. And honestly, that is ok! Honestly, for me, Mother's Day is bittersweet, it'd a day of ups and downs. One moment I am ok and the next I can't stop the tears. I feel so much joy and happiness for the lives I've created, but I also feel immense sadness at the very same time. I held it together most of the morning, but on the way back from lunch I lost it. I couldn't fight back the tears anymore, and I asked myself why do I try? Why do we in general think that it's not ok for people to see our raw, ugly, messy life? Why do we think we have to always have it together? Because honestly, I feel like I never do. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and at some point everyone will experience it. Can you imagine the impact we could all have on each other if we were more open and honest?

I long for the day that my family is together and I can hold my girls again. A mother's love for her child doesn't depend on that child being physically present, it is a love that never dies. This day will be a day that is forever hard for me. There is an emptiness, but we have a hope that rests in Jesus, knowing that one day we will see them again and the emptiness will be filled. I will love and treasure all of my children forever.  

"he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you"  1 Peter 1:3-4 ESV

So today, if you've experienced loss, long to be a mother, or are maybe spending Mother's Day grieving your own mother, we remember you. We are you. We hope you have a Mother's Day that is filled with peace and sweet reminders of those you love. If you know a mother who has experienced loss, reach out to her and show her love today. I promise you, she needs it. 💕

Aiden Micah, Olivia Grace, Aila Elizabeth, and Asa Samuel are my everything, and I am so thankful to be their mom. 

Our Angel, Taylor

I'm sure some of you who know me and have been following, have been waiting on this blog.

Here as we wait
Seek Your face
Come and make Your throne upon our praise

On Memorial Day, we just happened to be in Greenville, FL, which is about half way between our home now, and where we grew up. We we had just left my Great Uncle's funeral when I got a text asking what was going on with Taylor (my best friend from school). I had no idea what this person was talking about, which immediately made me worry. You see, when I moved to Elba, AL in second grade, Taylor was one of the very first people I met. We immediately clicked and have been almost in-seperable since. She was "my person". She knew EVERYTHING about me. There was nothing that we didn't know about each other. So when I hadn't heard from her, but someone was asking about her, that meant they literally meant something was wrong with Taylor. Not her parents, not her husband, but her. As I'm trying to process and not completely go into freak out mode, I call her phone only this time her mom answered. At that moment they weren't sure exactly what was going on, but they knew it was her liver and she was in an ambulance being transported to UAB. I am so thankful for where we were that day, and that I was able to ride back with my parents to Alabama. My best friend needed me, and I knew I needed her.

Here in this place
Have Your way
The moment that we see You, we are changed

It was a long week, which felt more like a never ending rollercoaster, as we all prayed diligently and tried to fight for Taylor. There were so many ups and downs, but we really thought and believed she was going to pull through. She fought so hard and gave it her very best, but her body was just too tired. On Thursday, we heard the words that no one ever wants to hear about their daughter, wife, niece, cousin, best friend, or loved one. She was gone.

Show us Your glory
Show us Your glory
In wonder and surrender we fall down

There were several times during the week when I told God the exact words Taylor told me on January 6th... I wish it was me. She doesn't deserve this, and it's just not fair. And it seemed like every time I would say or think that, I would hear Taylor's voice. She was younger than me by almost three months, but she was always trying to protect me, and I have so many stories of her doing just that. She holds a special place in my heart and life, she's always been there for me.

Show us Your glory

Show us Your glory

Let every burning heart be holy ground

She was one of the very first people I called when I found out I was pregnant all three times. She's the person I would call or text when I was having a bad day or just needed to vent. She was the person I talked to almost all night at Christmas, when I was having a major breakdown because my baby girl wasn't here for her first Christmas. She's the person who I used to ride around town with for hours just to listen to music and do something. She's the person I built snowmen in a foot of snow with, because we didn't know if we would ever see "real" snow.

Here, not by power
Not by might
But only by the cross we come alive

We were each other's Maid of Honor. She not only knew, but acknowledged all three of my children, and was their Aunt TayTay. She was there for me and was one of the first people to hold Aiden after he was born. She was the only person, besides family, who came to see us the night we found out we lost Olivia. She is the only person besides my parents and sister who I called to tell we had also lost Aila. And if she didn't have to work and I hadn't told her no, she would have been right by my side then too. She saw and knew me at my worst, and loved me anyway. She was a huge part of my world for over 18 years. We may have been separated by distance, but that never changed our relationship. We were constantly texting or sending snap chats to each other.  We often joked that we knew each other better than our spouses knew us. That was just us. We were so much more than just friends, she would often tell me that I was the sister she never had, we just had something special.

Here, we're undone
Overcome
By heaven's love revealed before our eyes

When you face death and loss, you see things differently. In 25 years, death has visited me a lot. I told myself that 2017 was going to be a year of change and new beginning, but a few days in we got hit with more death. You never imagine losing a child or a best friend. Even after losing our girls and getting hit with the most unexpected, I would have never imagined losing Taylor as well. I don't know why it happened, and have often questioned why her. The sting of death never changes, no matter how many times you face it.

When I was on the way to Birmingham, AL on Tuesday, I was in constant prayer. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that God was in control. I was so anxious to just get there and for her to be ok. I told God over and over how much I needed her in my life, and that she HAD to be ok for me. When I was about 30 minutes outside of Birmingham, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me. In that moment, I felt God saying that Taylor was going to be ok, that He had her, but it was followed by a command. There was something that I had to do, not only for Him, but for Taylor. In my human mind I thought that meant that Taylor was going to be healed, that she would literally be ok. As things progressed, and she started declining, I felt God reminding me of what He had spoken to me. It wasn't until after she passed that I really understood what my mission was.

Show us Your glory
Show us Your glory
In wonder and surrender we fall down

Had we not gone through what we went through almost exactly a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this thing that God was leading me to do. I wouldn't have had the courage to pray out loud in the Chapel and plead for Taylor's life with her family. I wouldn't have had the strength to pray the prayers I knew needed to be prayed in those delicate moments. I wouldn't have understood it.

Show us Your glory
Show us Your glory
Let every burning heart be holy ground

On the way home, we were mostly quiet, but I told Chase what God told me. I then told Him something I never thought I would say... "What if this is the reason and purpose for Olivia and Aila's life?" Without them, I would not have gotten it. I would have missed what God was saying and I would have missed my purpose for this moment. This is the same thing he said to me earlier this year, when we visited friends who had just lost their son, but I didn't want to hear it then. I needed to see and come to this realization on my own. Their life is my ministry and it has a purpose.

Chains fall
Fear bow
Here, now
Jesus, you change everything

With death comes pain, fear, anxiety, and hurt. It's in these moments that we have a choice to make. I was asked shortly after we found out that Taylor was gone, how I still believe with everything that I've been through and now this. In that moment, I honestly didn't know how to answer. I was blunt. I was honest. I simply said, "I have no choice, but to believe." If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't live with the sting of death without God. I don't understand why this happened, and I don't know when (if) I will. However, I do know that God works for the good of those who love Him. He has a purpose and a reason. We may never understand it on this side of Heaven, and while I'm still learning to be ok with that, I trust Him. We have to make a choice; we can get stuck in the cycle of asking why and questioning God, or we can fix our eyes on Him and allow Him to heal us.

Lives healed
Hope found
Here, now
Jesus, you change everything

In Matthew 14:22-33, we hear the story of Jesus walking on water, I'm sure we are all familiar with this scripture. The other day, Chase brought a few key points to my attention that I have never paid attention to before.

"Peter replied to Him, “Lord, if it is [really] You, command me to come to You on the water.” He said, “Come!” So Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw [the effects of] the wind, he was frightened, and he began to sink, and he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus extended His hand and caught him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"   Matthew 14:28-31

I.e. allow yourself to be drawn in two directiondoubt?”
I.e. allow yourself to be drawn in two directiondoubt?”
We often think that doubt was the reason Peter began to sink. Actually, it was when he began to take his eyes off of Jesus. When I take my focus off of the "story" and focus on the details, I feel like this scripture is talking about me... It's when I take my eyes off of Him that I feel like I am drowning in pain and fear. It's in those days that I feel like my world is crumbling around me. All I need in those moments is to fix my eyes on Jesus.

"Be still and know (recognize, understand) that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

If we want to know that He is God in our lives, we must let go of everything else we are holding onto and place our focus on Him. This has been and is one of my biggest struggles; just letting go of the anxiety, the fear, the pain, the control, and letting Him take over. God intends to reveal Himself as a good Father and draw us to Him, in the midst of our brokenness. We have to be willing to give it to Him and meet Him there, in our messy, broken life. Often times we (especially myself) try to be everything we can to avoid the pain and suffering in our lives. We pretend to be ok and fake it, but in the pain there is a sweet, unexplainable encounter with God that is ONLY found in the suffering and pain. Be brave and confident in exposing all to God. He is ready to help you through.

"It is the Lord who goes before you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you. Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deuteronomy 31:8

Christ has 'gone before us' which means that He has already worked out the end of your story, and it has a good ending! The pain is not the end. There is always victory on the other side if you walk through it with Him.

"Cause me to hear your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift up my should to you... in you I take shelter."  Psalm 143:8-9

I have kept coming back to this scripture for a little over a week now. Every time I open my bible, I read it. God has been using it as a tool to speak to me, and to bring my focus and attention back to him. Although it says 'morning'  every time I read it, I read it as 'mourning'. So what is it saying? The term Cause me means to not only externally make me see, but also to reveal it internally by the Spirit; to feel and perceive it, to have a sensible experience of it. Lovingkindness means tenderness, goodness, mercy. In the morning means speedily, quickly. I have been reading and praying this over my life since I read it a few days ago, that I would be able to see and feel God's goodness in the mourning. That He would just reveal Himself to me, to Taylor's parents, to her husband, and to all of her family. That His goodness would bring comfort and healing to us all.

Show us Your glory
Show us Your glory
In wonder and surrender we fall down
Show us Your glory
Show us Your glory
Let every burning heart be holy ground

I know without any questions asked, that one of the first things Taylor did was grab our precious angels. I can just imagine her holding and loving them both for me. One day we will all be reunited, and what a wonderful day that will be! 💕

https://youtu.be/xU771D5AYWE

We are raising money to start scholarship in honor of Taylor's life and legacy. If you feel led to give and help us reach our goal, I have included the link. If you scroll down to Coffee County, you will see the link for the Taylor Creel Stinson Scholarship.

https://alumni.ua.edu/…/contribute-to-alumni-chapter-schol…/

Our Sleeping Beauties... Part 3

  13 weeks. It may not seem like a long time, but for someone who is counting down the days until their baby is "safe," it feels like a lifetime. The chances of a miscarriage are higher in the earlier weeks of pregnancy. After 8 weeks, usually when a heart beat can be picked up on an ultrasound, the chance of a miscarriage is only 3%. Each week that passes, the risk gets lower and lower. We thought we had made it past the first step when we entered the ultrasound room on January 5th. Instead, we found our hearts once again broken and in pieces. We just did not understand.

We did everything we could to keep this baby safe. We went through 53 shots, several vials of blood, and countless bruises to prevent another loss. So why did this happen again? After almost 3 months, we finally got our answer. 

Aila Elizabeth Hawsey was born on January 7th, 2017. This world was just too much for her precious little body. She had a form of Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, but because of her specific genetic anomaly, it was not survivable. On Aila's DNA, the extra chromosome was not carried over completely, causing her body to stop developing. If the chromosome would have been carried over completely and had been "across the board" on the 21st chromosome, she could have possibly survived. However, in a Down Syndrome pregnancy, only 50% make it to the 2nd trimester. Only 50% of those who make it that far will actually make it to full-term. Out of 10 women carrying Down Syndrome babies, only 3 would make it to delivery. This statistic is absolutely heart-breaking to me. After speaking with the genetic counselor for a few minutes she assured us that the chances of this reoccurring in a future pregnancy are 1%. Our chances are not any more increased than someone who has had no losses. The two pregnancies were completely and totally unrelated, and there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. Through all of it we finally feel at peace and have closure. 

9 week ultrasound and heart beat.

Some people have questioned why I would go through the process of giving this baby a name or  why I would do that to myself. But I couldn't go on without giving her a name and an identity. She is just as much a part of our family as Aiden and Olivia. We want to be able to call all of our babies by their names, and we want Aiden to know that he has two little sisters in heaven waiting to be reunited with all of us. We wanted a name that held meaning true to who she was to us. 

Aila (Ay-lah) means "bringer of light"; in the Scottish form in means "from the strong place."

Elizabeth means "oath of God" or "God is abundance." 

From the moment we found out about her, she brought us light. Though she was only here a little while, she was and is a constant reminder of God's promise to us. We know that God is an abundant God and that He will give us the desires of our heart. He is a good Father, even when we don't understand the storms of life, He sends little reminders that He is with us. We know that God holds the future and that future is abundant in the promises He has made us. 

I have never viewed Jesus and what He did on the cross, what God did in that moment, and the resurrection like I do now. Everything we have been through in the past 9 months has completely changed everything about me. A few weeks ago, we did a sermon series titled Don't Waste Your Life. One of the messages was titled Don't Waist Your Pain. The past few weeks have been extremely hard me, emotionally, physically, mentally.... It's just been exhausting. They have been full of highs and lows. Nevertheless, I keep coming back to this scripture. I feel like I have failed miserable at bringing glory to God. I have let my pain take over and consume me. 

"So then, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of [our great] God." 

1 Corinthians 10:31 AMP

Our world has been turned completely upside down, we have lost two children in 6 short months. Because of that pain we think differently, we see things differently, we take things differently, I over analyze everything, I worry about everything, and we feel the sting of death. We have faced  devastation. I wish none of us ever had to experience pain, I know and now see how it molds and shapes us into who we are. Chase and I have talked about how much God has moved in our pain; and without this loss, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Pain makes us vulnerable, humble, and in need. It brings us to our knees and pulls us in to our loving Savior's arms. It is in this pain we find God's healing and victory. We feel and see the need of a Savior. This pain that we feel is temporary. One day we will be reunited with our precious baby girls, and all of this pain will be worth it. 

"The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God. And if [we are His] children, [then we are His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His spiritual blessing and inheritance], if indeed we share in His suffering so that we may also share in His glory. For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us! For [even the whole] creation [all nature] waits eagerly for the children of God to be revealed. For in this hope we were saved [by faith]. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait eagerly for it with patience and composure."  

2 Corinthians 2:16-19, 24-25 AMP

My prayer has always been that through Olivia and Aila's life, that God would be glorified. Through the pain, in the ugly rawness, in the vulnerability, and more so in the grief, He is the only one that matters. 

Olivia Grace and Aila Elizabeth

A Year in the Making

One year ago today I took a test that changed our life. I remember the day so vividly; it feels like yesterday. 

Chase explained the reasons why I should take a test, and I tried to argue my way out of it even being possible. 1) It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Aiden, (at that point we weren't even sure if we would be able to have kids without medical help). 2) Aiden was 7 days shy of being 8 months old, therefore it wasn't possible. If that wasn't enough to convince me other wise... 3) I was on the pill. I didn't want to believe we were even discussing the possibility. We talked and semi-joked about it, and I finally built up the courage to take the test.

Unreserved, unrestrained

Your love is wild

Your love is wild for me

Within a few seconds the result was very clear. We were pregnant, again. In that moment I felt like my heart stopped beating, and I immediately began crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was worried about the comments we would receive because our kids were going to be so close in age.  Aiden was still a baby. While we were discussing the possibility and even taking the test, he was in his mamaRoo - if you don't know what that it is, it's basically a baby swing. He had just started really crawling and eating table food the month before, and while I felt like he was slowly getting more independent, he suddenly seemed so little. I felt guilt. It felt like we were forcing Aiden to grow up too quick. I felt like I wasn't going to really get to enjoy him in the baby and toddler stages. You know, the mom guilt that gets you every single time... I had no idea how I was going to be a mom to two under two, when my oldest baby was still a baby.

It isn't shy, it's unashamed
Your love is proud
To be seen with me

As we began to talk, Chase kept reassuring me that we would be ok and that we would make it work. We wanted our kids to be close in age, we just didn't expect them to be so close in age, but that was going to be ok. We continued to talk about how we would make it work as we finished getting ready for church. The last thing Chase said to me as he was walking out the door for practice not to call or text anyone. That lasted about one minute.

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us

Usually in times of panic, or trouble, or stress, or just to vent, there are two people I immediately call or text. Since it was like 7 a.m., I text one and called the other. Big sisters have a way of always calming you down and protecting you. That's how my sister has always been for me. When i was younger and terrified of bad weather, I would go to her room and ask to sleep with her. If we were at school and there was a tornado warning, she would come and find me in the hallway. If I was on bed rest, but not ready to bring a baby home, she would come and clean my house for me. She would also end up taking me to the hospital, to ultimately deliver my baby because of pre-eclampsia the very same day. If I needed advise on something that was happening with Aiden, I would call or text her. She was always there for me, helping me, caring for me, and protecting me. She is the only other person, besides my parents and extended family, that had known me my whole entire life.

Uncontrolled, uncontained

Your love is a fire

Burning bright for me

When she answered the phone I said the exact same thing I did with every one of our babies... I took a test because I am late, and I'm pregnant. Of course, each time the conversation was a little different. With Aiden, we were both so excited - only a few people knew what was going on behind the scenes and knew that the odds were not in our favor. With Olivia, she told me all the reasons why we would be ok. She explained how much Aiden would grow in 9 months. How it seems impossible right now because he is still a baby, but by then he will be walking and communicating. She calmed me down, and reassured me that all of my fears would work out. And she was right...

It's not just a spark

It's not just a flame

Your love is a light

That all the world will see

All the world will see

By the end of the day, some of the worries were still there, but I felt reassured in our ability to raise two children. We were new parents, but looking at Aiden made us more confident in ourselves.

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us

Looking back, I hate that I felt so guilty in the beginning. Knowing the outcome of this pregnancy, I see so many things I didn't see before.

The worry, the guilt, the fear didn't matter. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about things that I either can't control or should just trust God to work out for my good. I wish I could rewind time and just soak in all of the pregnancy symptoms that so many (including myself) complain about. I wish I could count all the times i felt a kick or the times when my belly would jump because Olivia had the most precious hiccups. I wish I would have taken more pictures instead of being worried about all of the stuff that doesn't even matter anymore. I wish I could go back to when Aiden would cuddle and hold my belly, even though he didn't understand what was going on. I wish I would have recorded Chase's face when the tech said "I think it's a girl" and then again when he needed confirmation that we were for sure 100% pregnant with a girl. I wish I could see her with her big brother now. I wish we didn't have to feel the sting of death, not just once but twice now. There are so many things that I would change if I could just go back, but I can't. I can only change the future.

Your love's not fractured
It's not a troubled mind
It isn't anxious
It's not the restless kind

Without going through all of this, we would not be who we are today. We wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to hold and love others who are hurting and going through the exact same thing we did, and able to be 100% honest with them. We wouldn't have the {overflowing} empathy we have now because we have experienced true grief. We wouldn't be the parents we are today. Our life would look and be completely different than it is today, and for that we are thankful.

 Olivia's life mattered and completely changed us. If it didn't have an impact on anyone else, that would be ok, because through her God has pulled us closer. He is the ultimate healer and redeemer, and He always gets the victory.

Your love's not passive
It's never disengaged
It's always present
It hangs on every word we say

I have learned so much from her life, even though she was here for a very brief 24 weeks. All the worrying and stressing and fear over the future was for nothing.

I would much rather spend my time and thoughts on things that are holy, pure, and satisfying to Christ. It is a battle I face every day, but when we focus on God and His heart, the battle can be won.

Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what's sacred
'Cause its vows are good

From the moment we found out about her, we loved her. Even through the fear and worry, there was never a moment that I didn't want her. Olivia Grace was so loved and so wanted. Her personality was so different from that of her brothers. While she did move quite often, she was so calm and peaceful. Her movements were slow and graceful. When I was pregnant with Aiden he never, ever stopped moving. If you know him, then you know that this is true of him even now. His personality holds true to the meaning of his name. As I have shared before, Olivia Grace is a symbol of peace and God's grace, and that is exactly what she is. She taught us the true meaning of God's peace and grace. She is our perfect sleeping beauty.

Your love's not broken

It's not insecure

Your love's not selfish

Your love is pure

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us 

https://youtu.be/D0-PAMN6_go

October 25, 2016 - Our Due Date

To some they may not understand why today was such a big deal to us, or families like us who have experienced the pain of losing a child. I couldn't wait to find out our exact due date when we found out we were pregnant. I wanted to know when I could expect this baby to be here. October 25 was supposed to be the very last day for Olivia to come, if we made it that far. It was the day that we knew we would either already have our baby girl here, or would be having her that day. It was the finish line that we were so excited to reach.

Aiden with the Princess Minnie we got in honor of Olivia Grace. 

Today was a hard day. It's the day she was supposed to be here. It was a day that brought back all of the pain and emotions that were felt on July 2nd, when we heard the news that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat. This day was supposed to be a day of joy for our family. It may not seem like a "big deal" to others, but to us it was.

Riding Prince Charming Regal Carrousel

We woke up to texts and messages from people who were just letting us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us, which meant more than you will ever know to us. One even reassuring me that I could do this, and make it through today, and of course she was right! I don't think we've ever felt as loved as we do now.

We decided that we would spend the day at the most magical place on earth, Disney. :-) We thought this was the best way to honor our precious Olivia Grace. Although it was a hard day, we had a great day. The weather was absolutely perfect, the crowds were low, and we got to spend uninterrupted time together. There were a few moments that I choked up or had to fight back the tears, but over all it was good.

We had a few fast passes for Character meet and greets, and rode a few rides. I was a little upset to see that Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for the non-Disney people) was not meeting with Cinderella. I had this plan in my head, and had hoped that she would be the visiting princess, but she was not. We decided to skip, as it was Elena of Avalor, and just took a picture with Cinderella.

We also took Aiden to his very first Character dining experience. My dad was able to get us a reservation at Crystal Palace. As you can see from the pictures, Aiden wasn't too impressed with the characters. ;-) He loved them from far away, but when they got close, he wanted nothing to do with them. The food was absolutely AMAZING though. It was so good.

My dad also had sent a surprise for us that was at our table waiting. We got a few questions as to why we had all of it our table, and one "congratulations." I think people were just confused because we came in with a boy, and had all of this pink princess stuff, and of course they didn't know why we were there.

Mickey Rice Crispy Treats, my favorite, and Goofy Taffy

The balloon that was attached to our treats. 

Loved all the details

Baby boy surrounded by pink! 

There was one cast member who gave us fast passes to see Tinker Belle, because we had to wait on Snow White, so shared with her a little bit of our story.

This verse was sent to me on Monday, and I have repeated over and over again since then.

I woke up feeling more at peace about today through everything that has happened. I know that God is in control, and that He loves me. It's just so hard to understand why this happened. Nevertheless, through it all, we will praise Him. We will turn our sorrow and pain into a light for Him. He will have the final say, and we know He holds the victory.

I love that my tattoo is showing in the middle of this picture!

Olivia was with us today, just like she is everyday. We can't wait for the day we are reunited with our baby girl in eternity. Until that day comes, we will honor and remember her in every way we can.