Oh Baby, Baby

   

    A few weeks ago, Aiden randomly started asking me for a little sister. It started one day on the playground. He came up to me and boldly asked "Mommy, where's my little sister?" I had no clue what to say to him. We've talked to him a little bit about his sisters in heaven, but at three, he doesn't quite understand. He was so young when we lost them that he doesn't remember. I fought back the tears and all I could reply back to him that day was "I don't know." What he didn't know was a shortly before this, I had taken a test. One that could very well, make his wish a reality here on earth.

   Over the years, we have learned to expect the unexpected. You truly never know what tomorrow holds. In August, we were surprised with an unexpected shock. The two blue lines staring back at told us everything we needed to know. We are pregnant, again. The fear and worry instantly gripped me. Asa was only 6 months old; Aiden was just 8 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia. I was told not to get pregnant within 4-6 months, preferably 6, of each pregnancy due to the baby having higher chances of Trisomy 21. I asked Chase the question, "What if Asa was our one and only miracle? What if he's it?" Not in saying that Asa isn't enough, because he is. We are so thankful and blessed by his precious life. I just do not want to face another loss, and the thought of that scares me.

    When we found out, I was already 6 weeks pregnant, which meant we only had to wait 4 more weeks before we could have genetic testing done. I thought this would make the wait easier since it was shorter, but I'm not sure if it did or didn't. With Asa, I had the test and within 3-4 days I had the results. With this pregnancy, I had the test done and it took exactly a week to get the results. It seemed like it took forever before I actually got the call. In my head I had it all planned out all week,  what I would do when they called. I would find a quite spot so no matter what the results were I could be alone. It just so happened that they called when we were right in the middle of checking out at Target. Chase and I had talked about it all morning. What if today was the day. I even sat in the car most of the time while we were running errands, just in case. I didn't think it would be while we were in Target. I even made the comment to him before we walked in that my doctor's office was closing in 30 minutes, so I guess it would be next week before we found out anything.

   Since the beginning, Aiden has been adamant, he was having a baby girl. Anytime we talked about it with him or asked him, it was always 'it's a girl.' He was getting a little sister. I asked Chase what was going to happen if he didn't have a little sister, because his little heart was set on a baby girl. When Debbie called to give me the results she said everything came back perfect and within all of the normal ranges. She then asked if I was ready to know the gender. All of the nurses at my Dr's office know our story. They knew what we went through to get Asa here, they know that we have lost two little girls, and they were all shocked that we were back so soon - but they were all SO excited for us. You could hear the joy in her voice when she said "It's a baby girl." I had to keep telling myself to hold it together until we got out of Target, but I could not wait to tell Aiden he was getting his sister.

    Shortly after we had Asa, Chase and I were talking. I told him that I felt like our family wasn't complete. It had nothing to do with the kids we had or didn't have, but I just didn't feel done. We decided we were done for a while. We would revisit the idea later, in the future, when the boys were older. Pregnancy is just so hard for me, and it takes a lot from both of us. We really wanted to just enjoy life, but God had different plans. I never told Chase, but after that talk I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. In the dream, Asa wasn't a baby, but he wasn't very old either. At the time, I just played it off as just a dream because we had been talking about it. Now I look back and think maybe God was just giving me a little bit of peace that it would all be ok.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

    So far, everything has gone perfectly. Every doctor's appointment has been meet with peace and encouragement. The fear is still there, especially on ultrasound days, but I know that God is good. He is for me and He is for you. No matter what you're going through, He will meet you there. He's done it again and again for me. In the ugly, in the pain, in the bitterness and jealousy, through it all, He has shown me His love. I am so, so thankful for all 5 of the precious lives I've been able to carry. Each one is an important part of our family and special in their own way, even the ones who didn't get to stay that long. We are too excited for this little girl, and are just so thankful for this precious life we've been given. She's got some pretty great guardian angels looking out for her.

👼💕💖

Sweet diva girl at 12 weeks 🎀

A Rainbow of Hope

When we decided to "announce" that we were pregnant again, there were so many mixed emotions. When you become pregnant after loss, you face so many fears, emotions, and anxieties that are almost non-existent if you've never faced this kind of loss. There have been days griped by fear and anxiety where I feel as if I am drowning. This pregnancy has increased my faith and trust in God even further than before. Pregnancy after loss is so scary. There are decisions that I have to make every day. Whether I am going to let the fear of every little pain, cramp, or the future have control of my day. Am I going to give this baby to God and let him have all of the control. All are daily decisions that must be made. There are days that I fail and the worry overtakes me, but there are also good days. Throughout all of this, there has been one scripture that I have turned to and read continuously.

"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. And she vowed a vow and said, 'O  Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affiliation of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, bit will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.... And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, 'I have asked for him from the Lord.'" 1 Samuel 1

 We kept it a secret until we made it to our first appointment and ultrasound. Before going in for our first ultrasound we prayed that they would be able to pick up a heartbeat. Because we were so early, we didn't really expect them to be able to. When we saw the heartbeat, we were surprised, relieved, and grateful. To say we had mixed emotions would be the understatement of the century. So, we began to slowly tell a select few, mainly our parents and close friends.

Because of my history, the doctors wanted us to have a genetic blood test done at 10 weeks. This test would determine if the baby had the same chromosome abnormality as Aila, if there were any other abnormalities, and we would get a sooner than expected reveal of if it were a boy or a girl. Throughout the pregnancy I've had little milestones set up in my mind. If we make it to this, then this will happen. Getting to 10 weeks was huge for us. In our mind this mark was a big milestone. Once we made it and sent off the blood work, it seemed like forever before we got the results back. My anxiety, worry, fear, and stress levels were so high. The 'what ifs' continued to flood my mind. It seemed like no matter what I did I could not get the thoughts to go away. We were told it could take up to two weeks to get them back. Thankfully, it only took ours a week. When I saw that our nurse was calling, I was NOT expecting her to tell me that the results were in. I remember the phone call so vividly. She said everything came back perfect! There were absolutely no markers, and that we were having a baby boy. And in that moment, there was a new flood of emotions that took the place of the previous ones... peace, relief, and renewed hope that we might actually take this baby home. 

By our next ultrasound I was almost 12 weeks and I was so anxious. It's hard to even describe the fear that I felt on the way to our appointment and the silent chill than ran over me as we waited for the ultrasound tech. We found out that we lost Aila at 13 weeks, but she has stopped growing at 11. Before Chase came to pick us up, I had prepared myself to receive the worst news. When she called us into the room, I literally could not look at the screen. I felt so sick and my heart was beating out of my chest. But the moment I looked at the screen, I knew everything was ok. Our sweet baby boy was so active, with a perfect heartbeat. It was like he knew exactly what we needed to see. Fighting back tears, it was literally one of the best feelings seeing him move around. The tech asked us if we had the genetic testing done and if we knew what we were having. To our surprise he was also acting very much like his big brother, showing us that he was definitely a boy. 

At almost 14 weeks, we met with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors at Winnie Palmer for yet another ultrasound. They were checking the growth and making sure the fluid behind his neck was in normal range. Through all the anxiety we were once again in awe of a very active baby boy. He kept arching his back, kicking his feet, and putting his hand over his face. We were able to see a cute little button nose and all ten fingers and toes. Everything on the ultrasound looked perfect. So perfect, in fact,  that the doctor didn't see a need for us to be constantly in their care. Although we are still high risk, we will continue to see our regular OB with hopefully only a few more visits to the MFM doctors. 

I had to add this one because we said it looks like he's worshipping in the womb. ;-) 

At our 16 week appointment, we didn't have an ultrasound, but we were able to hear our sweet boy's heartbeat. Yet again, everything is still perfect. I've been feeling a few flutters here and there since we were around 14 weeks, but this week I have felt stronger, more definite kicks. This was another big milestone in my mind. I started feeling Aiden and Olivia both at 17 weeks, so I was counting down the days until I could feel the baby moving. It's just a sweet reminder of the life and promise God has given us. 

The day we found out I was pregnant I had a really hard time. Normally the first person I would call would be my best friend Taylor. For those who are not familiar, Taylor went home to be with Jesus on June 1st of this year. We found out I was pregnant on July 3rd of this year. This was the day before Olivia's first birthday and just a month after I lost Taylor. My heart was hurting, but as I began to pray I felt so much hope and comfort. Shortly after we found out, I had a dream. Normally my dreams are nothing more than just my imagination playing itself out in silly ways, but this one was different. In the dream Taylor came up to me. She didn't say anything, but she had a baby with her. In the dream I felt overwhelmed with peace. I had been struggling with whether or not Taylor knew that I was pregnant again and how she won't be with me this time. But after the dream, I knew that not only did she know, but she is with us. It may not be physically, like I want with every part of me, but she is with us.

We aren't quite halfway there, but we are so excited that everything is going so well. We know that God is faithful and good, and that He is with us. He has given us promises that we hold onto and remind ourselves of almost daily. Our prayer and hope is that this baby is our happy, healthy Rainbow baby. We believe that God's timing is perfect and that He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. 

"but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he has promised." Romans 4:20-21

When we were trying to decide on a name, we wanted something that lived up to the promise that this baby is. We wanted a name that pointed to God and his goodness. After going through several names, we decided on.... 

Asa (AYS-a) is Hebrew, and means healer, physician. Samuel is Hebrew and means asked of God; heard by God. 

We are so ready for our precious Asa to be here! 💙