Oh Baby, Baby

   

    A few weeks ago, Aiden randomly started asking me for a little sister. It started one day on the playground. He came up to me and boldly asked "Mommy, where's my little sister?" I had no clue what to say to him. We've talked to him a little bit about his sisters in heaven, but at three, he doesn't quite understand. He was so young when we lost them that he doesn't remember. I fought back the tears and all I could reply back to him that day was "I don't know." What he didn't know was a shortly before this, I had taken a test. One that could very well, make his wish a reality here on earth.

   Over the years, we have learned to expect the unexpected. You truly never know what tomorrow holds. In August, we were surprised with an unexpected shock. The two blue lines staring back at told us everything we needed to know. We are pregnant, again. The fear and worry instantly gripped me. Asa was only 6 months old; Aiden was just 8 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia. I was told not to get pregnant within 4-6 months, preferably 6, of each pregnancy due to the baby having higher chances of Trisomy 21. I asked Chase the question, "What if Asa was our one and only miracle? What if he's it?" Not in saying that Asa isn't enough, because he is. We are so thankful and blessed by his precious life. I just do not want to face another loss, and the thought of that scares me.

    When we found out, I was already 6 weeks pregnant, which meant we only had to wait 4 more weeks before we could have genetic testing done. I thought this would make the wait easier since it was shorter, but I'm not sure if it did or didn't. With Asa, I had the test and within 3-4 days I had the results. With this pregnancy, I had the test done and it took exactly a week to get the results. It seemed like it took forever before I actually got the call. In my head I had it all planned out all week,  what I would do when they called. I would find a quite spot so no matter what the results were I could be alone. It just so happened that they called when we were right in the middle of checking out at Target. Chase and I had talked about it all morning. What if today was the day. I even sat in the car most of the time while we were running errands, just in case. I didn't think it would be while we were in Target. I even made the comment to him before we walked in that my doctor's office was closing in 30 minutes, so I guess it would be next week before we found out anything.

   Since the beginning, Aiden has been adamant, he was having a baby girl. Anytime we talked about it with him or asked him, it was always 'it's a girl.' He was getting a little sister. I asked Chase what was going to happen if he didn't have a little sister, because his little heart was set on a baby girl. When Debbie called to give me the results she said everything came back perfect and within all of the normal ranges. She then asked if I was ready to know the gender. All of the nurses at my Dr's office know our story. They knew what we went through to get Asa here, they know that we have lost two little girls, and they were all shocked that we were back so soon - but they were all SO excited for us. You could hear the joy in her voice when she said "It's a baby girl." I had to keep telling myself to hold it together until we got out of Target, but I could not wait to tell Aiden he was getting his sister.

    Shortly after we had Asa, Chase and I were talking. I told him that I felt like our family wasn't complete. It had nothing to do with the kids we had or didn't have, but I just didn't feel done. We decided we were done for a while. We would revisit the idea later, in the future, when the boys were older. Pregnancy is just so hard for me, and it takes a lot from both of us. We really wanted to just enjoy life, but God had different plans. I never told Chase, but after that talk I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. In the dream, Asa wasn't a baby, but he wasn't very old either. At the time, I just played it off as just a dream because we had been talking about it. Now I look back and think maybe God was just giving me a little bit of peace that it would all be ok.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

    So far, everything has gone perfectly. Every doctor's appointment has been meet with peace and encouragement. The fear is still there, especially on ultrasound days, but I know that God is good. He is for me and He is for you. No matter what you're going through, He will meet you there. He's done it again and again for me. In the ugly, in the pain, in the bitterness and jealousy, through it all, He has shown me His love. I am so, so thankful for all 5 of the precious lives I've been able to carry. Each one is an important part of our family and special in their own way, even the ones who didn't get to stay that long. We are too excited for this little girl, and are just so thankful for this precious life we've been given. She's got some pretty great guardian angels looking out for her.

👼💕💖

Sweet diva girl at 12 weeks 🎀

Six Months

    I haven't blogged in a while, because I just haven't felt like it, if I'm being completely honest... The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've faced. I literally didn't want to do anything.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do

    Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to.  It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like "I'm so glad everyone is together" or "everyone is accounted for." I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.

I will love You Lord my rock 

Forever, all my days, I will love You God

I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns forever all my days

Hallelujah

    Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...

You're faithful all my days

When I forget I just see the rain

Cause I see you in the rain

Giving life to every little living thing

There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.

I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.

 I see you in the rain

Giving life and breath to every living thing

Causing dead things to rise again...

It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.

   On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.

 I called Chase and asked if he could come home, trying not to tell him over the phone, he immediately responded with, "your pregnant". After taking another test for reassurance, we begin talking about what had to happen now. Chase sent me a scripture that I have read over and over since that day.

Slow down, take time

Breath in, he said

He'd reveal what's to come

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors."  Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)

The thoughts in his mind

Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.

Take courage, my heart

Stay steadfast, my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting

A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.

I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗

There are days where I am overcome by fear and worry, that something may happen to this baby, and in those moments God always sends me a reminder, that He has us.

Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing

There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow.

From beginning to End, it was all there. It was so big I couldn't get a picture of it, and I was driving. I knew, in that moment, not only did God hear my prayers and desires, He was showing me this Rainbow baby is going to be complete and whole. He is our hope and strength. He will get us through this pregnancy safely.

Sing praise, my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on

Do not forget his great faithfulness
He'll finish all he's begun

There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.

And you who hold the stars

Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me 
That I will rise in your victory

There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)

https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw

https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ

A Rainbow Promise

When my sister sent me this picture this afternoon while she was visiting Olivia's grave, I just glanced at it and thought it was a sweet reminder. I didn't spend too much time thinking about it because:

1) As we get closer to the 25th (our due date) I am getting more emotional and upset.
2) I already had one break down today after ordering flowers for the grave.
3) I was somewhat busy, getting ready to attend a class.

But as I got in the car to leave the class I felt a small tug on my heart telling me to look at this picture one more time.

You can barely see it, but it's a rainbow. In the bible, the rainbow is a sign of God's covenant, his promise, and also a description of His Glory.

"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth. And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."                                                            Genesis 9:11-15

I have been struggling with so much anxiety, fear, uncertainty, hurt, and pain not only from losing a child, but also over our future. The future of our family. What does it look like? How do we move on in life knowing our baby girl won't physically be here. What happens when we are ready to continue growing our family? Will we be able to have the big family we desired? What if we lose another child? The questions, the worry, the uncertainty goes on and on.

For us, losing Olivia was the flood. On July 2nd, the waters came crashing in, and our lives changed forever. I've said it in so many of my previous blogs and posts, but it is like life has started completely over for us. When Noah stepped off of the ark, the world as he knew it was gone.  Everything that wasn't on the ark was destroyed by the waters. Everything that he knew was gone. It was as if he had to start life over. I read the best description in another blog, that I reposted on FB a few days ago... We live in a B.D. (Before Death) and A.D. (After Death) life. There is a very distinct difference between the two.  For us, the world around us is the same, but we are different. Our view of the world is different. Our future hopes and dreams are different.

But, we have hope. We have the reminder of the promise God has made to us, to never flood "the earth" again. When I went back to the picture I knew that this was God's promise to us. He will never flood our life again. Will we go through trials and more heartache? Yes, that is a part of life and God's way of refining us and making us more like him. But, I know that He's got us in the palm of His hand. He is holding us. He is guiding our path. He will never let the flood waters becoming so overwhelming that we drown.

"Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all around it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord."                 Ezekiel 1:28


When it's dark and gloomy on a rainy day, there is nothing that cheers you up faster than a rainbow. It gives us hope that the sun is coming out. The rain is over, the storm has passed. Sometimes more rain comes behind the rainbow, sometimes it's days or weeks before another storm hits. But, you can always look forward to seeing that rainbow at the end. For us, this "storm" may be never ending, but there are breaks and glimpses of The Ultimate Rainbow. We feel God's presence all around us. He is constantly moving in our lives. Paving the way for us. Putting the right people in our lives. Comforting us when we need it. And always loving us. His light is shining ever so brightly in this storm that we face. He is there every step of the way. He is there. He knows and sees my hurt. And today, I felt like He was giving me a reminder of our promise of a future. He will be there guiding our every step.

You may have heard the term "Rainbow Baby." This is a baby that is born after loss. I feel more confident now, that one day, in God's perfect timing, we will have a rainbow baby of our own that is hand picked by our precious Olivia Grace.