The Weight of Easter

My world, my faith, my worship, and how I "celebrate" Holidays have all been different ever since July 4, 2016. Nothing is the same after you experience loss. In one book that I read, the author talked about how it was as if she had lived two different lives. There was life before death and life after death... and that is so, so true. Everything is just different. Christmas and Easter are two of the hardest Holidays for me. And I feel like Easter is often overlooked. 

We are an altar of broken stones

But You delight in the offering

I think we focus so much on the resurrection and Heaven, that its easy to overlook the days leading up to it. The betrayal. The confusion. The loss. The promise. The pain. The weight. The fact that an all powerful God, who created the Heavens and Earth, who can literally do anything, allowed his only Son to suffer immensible pain for you and me. 

You have the heavens to call Your home

But You abide in the song we sing

Jesus, asking his Father if it were possible to take the cup from Him, knowing the weight of the cup he bore, still chose to take it. I don't know about you, but for me, when my kids ask me something 9 times out of 10, I give them what they ask for. If they were asking for me to spare their life in exchange for someone else's... What would you do?  

Ten thousand angels surround Your throne

To bring You praise that will never cease

Even while sitting at the table with the one he knew was ultimately going to hand him a death sentence, still Jesus did not react in any way toward Judas other than in love.

But hallelujah from here below

Is still Your favorite melody

We sing

Hallelujah

Pilate, finding no fault in Jesus, rather obliging the demands of the people, put Jesus to death while releasing a murder in his place.

And should the fire that once burned bright

Become an ember my eyes can't see

He (Jesus) was perfect, blameless, without sin. He was beaten, mocked, and treated as a criminal. He didn't deserve to die, but he did. And he did it for you, for me, and for the people who were demanding his crucifixion. 

I will remember Your sacrifice

I will abide in Your love for me

Oh, we sing

Hallelujah

Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and promise on the cross. He made right every wrong. He saved you and me from death. We can find life and light because of Him. Through Him, we can be different. Through Him, we are no longer bound to sin. We become pure and Holy, because of his flawless life.

Jesus Christ our King enthroned

All the praise is Yours forevermore

Before loss, I focused on the resurrection. The Good News. What I like to think of as the happy side of Easter. And Easter is 110% a reason to celebrate. There is so much meaning and power behind Easter. But the new me, sees something that I've never seen before. The pain of the Father. The suffering He endured, knowing that he was offering up his only son to death. I can feel it. I can see it. I know it. But it wasn't for nothing. It was for a purpose. It was for me. It was FOR you. Don't let that suffering, that pain, that perfect life go to waste. How do you choose to live for that gift? How are you making the most of it? 

Hallelujah here below

All the praise is Yours forevermore

Now that I've been through the pain and I've seen the other side, it is so good. The sting of death is still present, and always will be, but we now have three miracles that remind us every day of the promises fulfilled. There is a purpose. There is a reason. There is a good God who loved you so much that He gave everything for you. Because of Him, one day you will be made completely whole. You will understand everything. All because of Christ, the cross, and the resurrection. 

https://youtu.be/M7MR77AVBOs

A Broken Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you  have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. 

"But you, Oh  Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high."  Psalms 3:3 GW

I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to experience a Mother's Day surrounded by all of my children. I love and am obsessed with the two sweet boys I have here on earth, but today is also a painful reminder of the two little girls that I gave with to who aren't here. 

I feel like today is a day that we as moms, are supposed to be the happiest. Today is all about us. We are just expected to be ok and that's not always the case. Maybe the expectation is just one that we (or I) just put on our(my)self. Sometimes we just need a moment, or twenty, because we are so overcome by emotions or grief. And honestly, that is ok! Honestly, for me, Mother's Day is bittersweet, it'd a day of ups and downs. One moment I am ok and the next I can't stop the tears. I feel so much joy and happiness for the lives I've created, but I also feel immense sadness at the very same time. I held it together most of the morning, but on the way back from lunch I lost it. I couldn't fight back the tears anymore, and I asked myself why do I try? Why do we in general think that it's not ok for people to see our raw, ugly, messy life? Why do we think we have to always have it together? Because honestly, I feel like I never do. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and at some point everyone will experience it. Can you imagine the impact we could all have on each other if we were more open and honest?

I long for the day that my family is together and I can hold my girls again. A mother's love for her child doesn't depend on that child being physically present, it is a love that never dies. This day will be a day that is forever hard for me. There is an emptiness, but we have a hope that rests in Jesus, knowing that one day we will see them again and the emptiness will be filled. I will love and treasure all of my children forever.  

"he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you"  1 Peter 1:3-4 ESV

So today, if you've experienced loss, long to be a mother, or are maybe spending Mother's Day grieving your own mother, we remember you. We are you. We hope you have a Mother's Day that is filled with peace and sweet reminders of those you love. If you know a mother who has experienced loss, reach out to her and show her love today. I promise you, she needs it. 💕

Aiden Micah, Olivia Grace, Aila Elizabeth, and Asa Samuel are my everything, and I am so thankful to be their mom. 

Six Months

    I haven't blogged in a while, because I just haven't felt like it, if I'm being completely honest... The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've faced. I literally didn't want to do anything.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do

    Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to.  It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like "I'm so glad everyone is together" or "everyone is accounted for." I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.

I will love You Lord my rock 

Forever, all my days, I will love You God

I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns forever all my days

Hallelujah

    Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...

You're faithful all my days

When I forget I just see the rain

Cause I see you in the rain

Giving life to every little living thing

There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.

I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.

 I see you in the rain

Giving life and breath to every living thing

Causing dead things to rise again...

It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.

   On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.

 I called Chase and asked if he could come home, trying not to tell him over the phone, he immediately responded with, "your pregnant". After taking another test for reassurance, we begin talking about what had to happen now. Chase sent me a scripture that I have read over and over since that day.

Slow down, take time

Breath in, he said

He'd reveal what's to come

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors."  Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)

The thoughts in his mind

Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.

Take courage, my heart

Stay steadfast, my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting

A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.

I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗

There are days where I am overcome by fear and worry, that something may happen to this baby, and in those moments God always sends me a reminder, that He has us.

Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing

There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow.

From beginning to End, it was all there. It was so big I couldn't get a picture of it, and I was driving. I knew, in that moment, not only did God hear my prayers and desires, He was showing me this Rainbow baby is going to be complete and whole. He is our hope and strength. He will get us through this pregnancy safely.

Sing praise, my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on

Do not forget his great faithfulness
He'll finish all he's begun

There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.

And you who hold the stars

Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me 
That I will rise in your victory

There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)

https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw

https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ

October 25, 2016 - Our Due Date

To some they may not understand why today was such a big deal to us, or families like us who have experienced the pain of losing a child. I couldn't wait to find out our exact due date when we found out we were pregnant. I wanted to know when I could expect this baby to be here. October 25 was supposed to be the very last day for Olivia to come, if we made it that far. It was the day that we knew we would either already have our baby girl here, or would be having her that day. It was the finish line that we were so excited to reach.

Aiden with the Princess Minnie we got in honor of Olivia Grace. 

Today was a hard day. It's the day she was supposed to be here. It was a day that brought back all of the pain and emotions that were felt on July 2nd, when we heard the news that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat. This day was supposed to be a day of joy for our family. It may not seem like a "big deal" to others, but to us it was.

Riding Prince Charming Regal Carrousel

We woke up to texts and messages from people who were just letting us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us, which meant more than you will ever know to us. One even reassuring me that I could do this, and make it through today, and of course she was right! I don't think we've ever felt as loved as we do now.

We decided that we would spend the day at the most magical place on earth, Disney. :-) We thought this was the best way to honor our precious Olivia Grace. Although it was a hard day, we had a great day. The weather was absolutely perfect, the crowds were low, and we got to spend uninterrupted time together. There were a few moments that I choked up or had to fight back the tears, but over all it was good.

We had a few fast passes for Character meet and greets, and rode a few rides. I was a little upset to see that Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for the non-Disney people) was not meeting with Cinderella. I had this plan in my head, and had hoped that she would be the visiting princess, but she was not. We decided to skip, as it was Elena of Avalor, and just took a picture with Cinderella.

We also took Aiden to his very first Character dining experience. My dad was able to get us a reservation at Crystal Palace. As you can see from the pictures, Aiden wasn't too impressed with the characters. ;-) He loved them from far away, but when they got close, he wanted nothing to do with them. The food was absolutely AMAZING though. It was so good.

My dad also had sent a surprise for us that was at our table waiting. We got a few questions as to why we had all of it our table, and one "congratulations." I think people were just confused because we came in with a boy, and had all of this pink princess stuff, and of course they didn't know why we were there.

Mickey Rice Crispy Treats, my favorite, and Goofy Taffy

The balloon that was attached to our treats. 

Loved all the details

Baby boy surrounded by pink! 

There was one cast member who gave us fast passes to see Tinker Belle, because we had to wait on Snow White, so shared with her a little bit of our story.

This verse was sent to me on Monday, and I have repeated over and over again since then.

I woke up feeling more at peace about today through everything that has happened. I know that God is in control, and that He loves me. It's just so hard to understand why this happened. Nevertheless, through it all, we will praise Him. We will turn our sorrow and pain into a light for Him. He will have the final say, and we know He holds the victory.

I love that my tattoo is showing in the middle of this picture!

Olivia was with us today, just like she is everyday. We can't wait for the day we are reunited with our baby girl in eternity. Until that day comes, we will honor and remember her in every way we can.

Grace is Enough

As we get closer to Tuesday, our due date; the more emotional, anxious, and upset I get. I am struggling big time, and I've been trying so hard to hold it in. This weekend has been so hard, yet exactly what I needed. 

You stood outside my grave

With tears still on Your face

On Friday, we had a girls worship night out. We went to see Bethel Music, and it was amazing. The Spirit of God was definitely in that arena. It felt as though everything the band said, as they were ministering, was exactly what I needed to hear. In fact there was one part of the concert, if you can even call it that, that Amanda Cook was singing spontaneously from her heart and she sang "I'm on a cliff about to fall." She then proceeded to talk about how we needed to let go and fall into the arms of Jesus, that He will be there to catch us. These were the EXACT words I sent to Jen a day before. I had been texting Jen and was telling her how I have felt this week. We talked about how I felt like I've been on this cliff, and am literally on the edge about to fall. 

I heard You say my name 

My night was turned to day

I realized in that that has been my problem all along; not being able to let go and fall. Being true to myself and my feelings. I've been afraid to be completely honest with myself, and to let myself fall into God's arms. In that moment it clicked that I have to let go, as hard as it, I have to let God have his way.

As they continued ministering, they began to talk about how it's time to let God move, and awaken the part of you that died. We have to let him perform His miracle. Then, they went into this song: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRG5U-RaVdI 

Of course by this point, I am a complete wreck (in a good way). When we heard the words that Olivia had no heart beat and that she had passed, there was a part of me that died as well. My hope, my dream, my future was suddenly gone. I have been scared and afraid to face that death. I've tried my very best to hide my feelings, my hurt, my emotions, and my pain. I've been telling myself that I have to be ok, I have to be strong. My reasoning behind this was: 1) I'm a pastor's wife, I felt like I have this standard to uphold, and that by "losing it" I am failing; 2) I felt like people were looking to me to be strong and be ok. These are lies and unrealistic standards that I've put on myself. 

You came, I knew that You would come

You sang, My heart it woke up

I put this pressure on myself for no reason. I kept telling myself if I push it to the back, I can control it. And I can't.... I can't control or contain my emotions. It's only made it worse, and in the process, hurt me more.

I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive

You came, I knew that You would come

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

You said death's only sleeping

With one word my heart was beating

I have quoted this verse so many times, but I never knew it's true meaning until now. This version, The Message, brings so much power and understand to this verse:

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, 

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. 

I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

This got me... I definitely wouldn't call what we've been through a gift. I have prayed and cried out to God to not let it be true. In fact, while we were getting ready to deliver Olivia, I kept begging that God would somehow make her heart start beating again. I just wanted all of this pain and hurt to be gone. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to face it. But, the very next line gives me hope. 

"My grace is enough; it's all you need."

It's only by God's grace and power that I am still standing right now. We feel as though we've literally been through hell. We have experienced the effects of death in a way that most people will never experience. We have walked through the lowest of lows in the past two and a half months. And I have been so scared to face that truth.

I rose up from my grave

My fear was turned to faith

I have put up this facade. I told myself that I am okay and that I am strong, when I am not. I am a wreck, and barely holding it together. It wasn't until this weekend that I understood what I have been doing. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

Fast forward to today, Sunday. As we began to worship, I couldn't stop the tears. Partially because Chase sang songs about grace, which is Olivia's middle name. It's {not so} ironic that the middle name that we picked for her, is the very thing I need the most. At the end we always have a time to respond and elders who are available for prayer. I knew that I needed prayer. I am at my weakest right now, and feel as though I'm barely hanging on. I didn't have to say to much, Mrs. Patsy knew exactly what I needed. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

As she began to pray over me, she prayed that I would be released from myself. There are so many things that she said, that I needed to hear. I explained to her that I have been holding on and trying to be strong, because I feel like I have to be. She then said something that I've been told many times, by many people, but it's so hard for me to grasp. She said that I do not have to be strong. I'm not expected to be ok. God can not move until I am real and honest with myself. Until I let go. 

You turn my fear into faith 

You raise me up from the grace

Something clicked this weekend, and I realize now that it is ok to be broken. It's ok for people to see my weakness. In my weakness, God can and will show up. He will use the weakness, just as much, if not more than He can use the strength. 

You came, I knew that You would come

I am so beyond thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives. We don't have to pretend to be something that we are not. We can be us, and know that they genuinely do care about us. 

Tuesday will still be a hard day for us, but I feel more at peace about it. I know that His grace and strength will get me through. 

A Rainbow Promise

When my sister sent me this picture this afternoon while she was visiting Olivia's grave, I just glanced at it and thought it was a sweet reminder. I didn't spend too much time thinking about it because:

1) As we get closer to the 25th (our due date) I am getting more emotional and upset.
2) I already had one break down today after ordering flowers for the grave.
3) I was somewhat busy, getting ready to attend a class.

But as I got in the car to leave the class I felt a small tug on my heart telling me to look at this picture one more time.

You can barely see it, but it's a rainbow. In the bible, the rainbow is a sign of God's covenant, his promise, and also a description of His Glory.

"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth. And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."                                                            Genesis 9:11-15

I have been struggling with so much anxiety, fear, uncertainty, hurt, and pain not only from losing a child, but also over our future. The future of our family. What does it look like? How do we move on in life knowing our baby girl won't physically be here. What happens when we are ready to continue growing our family? Will we be able to have the big family we desired? What if we lose another child? The questions, the worry, the uncertainty goes on and on.

For us, losing Olivia was the flood. On July 2nd, the waters came crashing in, and our lives changed forever. I've said it in so many of my previous blogs and posts, but it is like life has started completely over for us. When Noah stepped off of the ark, the world as he knew it was gone.  Everything that wasn't on the ark was destroyed by the waters. Everything that he knew was gone. It was as if he had to start life over. I read the best description in another blog, that I reposted on FB a few days ago... We live in a B.D. (Before Death) and A.D. (After Death) life. There is a very distinct difference between the two.  For us, the world around us is the same, but we are different. Our view of the world is different. Our future hopes and dreams are different.

But, we have hope. We have the reminder of the promise God has made to us, to never flood "the earth" again. When I went back to the picture I knew that this was God's promise to us. He will never flood our life again. Will we go through trials and more heartache? Yes, that is a part of life and God's way of refining us and making us more like him. But, I know that He's got us in the palm of His hand. He is holding us. He is guiding our path. He will never let the flood waters becoming so overwhelming that we drown.

"Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all around it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord."                 Ezekiel 1:28


When it's dark and gloomy on a rainy day, there is nothing that cheers you up faster than a rainbow. It gives us hope that the sun is coming out. The rain is over, the storm has passed. Sometimes more rain comes behind the rainbow, sometimes it's days or weeks before another storm hits. But, you can always look forward to seeing that rainbow at the end. For us, this "storm" may be never ending, but there are breaks and glimpses of The Ultimate Rainbow. We feel God's presence all around us. He is constantly moving in our lives. Paving the way for us. Putting the right people in our lives. Comforting us when we need it. And always loving us. His light is shining ever so brightly in this storm that we face. He is there every step of the way. He is there. He knows and sees my hurt. And today, I felt like He was giving me a reminder of our promise of a future. He will be there guiding our every step.

You may have heard the term "Rainbow Baby." This is a baby that is born after loss. I feel more confident now, that one day, in God's perfect timing, we will have a rainbow baby of our own that is hand picked by our precious Olivia Grace.

The Most Dreaded Month

Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in your love

Come like grace again

I have always loved fall, and the month of October. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love the decorations, dressing up, and having fun. I was really looking forward to this Halloween, and getting to dress 2 babies in matching costumes for Halloween.

Even when my strength is lost

I'll praise You

Even when I have no song

I'll praise You

Even when it's hard to find the words

Louder then I'll sing Your praise.

As October 1st has drawn closer and closer, my anxiety level has gotten higher. I dreaded seeing October. Everyday closer to the 1st, has felt heavier. I don't know how else to explain it other than thick, heaviness. This month was supposed to be a month of change, extreme joy, and bringing a new life into our home. It was supposed to be about introducing Aiden to his baby sister, adjusting to two under two, and growing our family. This week and weekend have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I just knew that I was not ready to see the Calendar change.

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

This week especially, I've kept telling myself to just breathe. As the calendar date has drawn closer, I've felt more and more alone; although I know that is a lie There are so many people I have talked to and connected with that have been through this exact thing. Though there are still moments where I feel like no one understands my pain. As I've prayed, I keep getting reminded that not only has God placed people in my life for this specific reason, He too has walked this path. He made the choice to give His son, so that I could live, Olivia can live, and you can live. He knows my pain. He understands the "bad days." He understands and knows.

Take this mountain weight

Take these ocean tears

Hold me through the trial

Come like hope again

I truly believe that God places specific people in our lives for specific purposes. There is one person that I know without a doubt that God has purposefully placed in my life. A few Sundays ago - it was actually the 4th of September (2 months since Olivia's birth) - I had to leave service. I was just an emotional train wreck. Chase met me at the bathroom after worship, he knew exactly where to find me. We talked for a few minutes and I finally composed myself and went back into service. Because worship was over, and the message had started, I didn't want to walk up front back to where I was sitting. In our church, there is an overflow area with a couch, so Chase told me just to go there. Well, can you guess who was sitting there? The very person that I needed. She just happened to be running late that morning, and was sitting on the couch. She immediately knew what I was feeling. She prayed with me and comforted me when I needed it the most. She knew the pain I was feeling, because she too, has been there. It's in moments like these that there is no question that God is real, and that He is with us.

Even when the fight seems lost

I'll praise You

Even when it hurts like hell

I'll praise You

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I'll sing Your praise

He provides the things that we need. He sees our hurt and pain. He knows when we need comfort. He loves us. I know that I am not strong enough to get through with this on my own. I never have been. I never will be. It's only through God's strength, grace, and love that I have been able to get out of bed each day. While there have been times that I have failed and let my emotions over take me, He has still been there to comfort me and gently point me back in the right direction. Psalm 51:10,12 have been my go-to verses through all of this...

"Create in me a pure heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me... Restore me to the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." 

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I'm constantly praying these verses over my own life. That God will renew me and restore me. Right now, my life is a construction zone. It is in the process of being rebuilt, restored, and renewed by our Creator.

And my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing til the morning has come

Today, I'm supposed to be extremely pregnant. In fact, this week I would be 37 weeks, which is the gestational age at which Aiden was born. I should be packing bags, washing all of our new born clothes, and getting ready to bring Olivia home. It's extremely hard facing this month that was supposed to bring us so much joy, knowing that we won't be able to do any of that.

Lord my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing til the miracle comes

When you go through something so painful and tragic as grieving your child, you have two choices to make. You can either let it swallow and drown you, or you can learn to live. It's not an easy process, learning to live with loss, but I know what the end result is. The end result is being reunited with my WHOLE family in Heaven. It's being able to see and hold Olivia again. It's being comforted knowing that she is in Heaven, and is playing with all of the babies who have gone before her. Olivia Grace is just as much a part of our lives as Aiden is, and she always will be.

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

This month will be a hard one for our family. October 25 will be here before we know it, and as it approaches, we just ask for prayers. It will be an extremely hard day in our home, as we know that this is the day we should have been bringing our baby girl home, had we made it full term. As hard as it has been and will be, I know that we will get through this.

Even when the morning comes

I'll praise You

Even when the fight is won

I'll praise You

Even when my time on earth is done

Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing Your Praise

Song: Even When It Hurts - Hillsong UNITED

https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg

A New Beginning

You may read this title and automatically think I'm talking about the move... But, I'm not. When something traumatic happens in your life, such as loosing a child, you basically have to start over. It feels as if your identity has been wiped clean, and you are a completely different person. Lately, I've been doing a lot of studying on my identity.

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark

I'll follow your voice straight into the dark

Before we lost Olivia, when someone asked me who I was (my identity) I would reply that I live for my family. I am a mom and wife before all other things. I am a Christian, a daughter, a sister; I am me. When you lose someone close to you, there is a before and an after. There is a distinct difference between the two. It's almost as if your life stops and restarts. It's hard to remember what life was like before the pain of the loss, especially when it is your child you are grieving. My problem before, was that I was building my identity on things of this world.

And if from the course You intend 

I depart

Speak to the sails of my wondering heart

If you look up the word identity, it is defined as who someone is; the quality or beliefs that make a particular person different from others. Our identity is found in the distinct characteristics that set us apart from everyone and give us worth. Our identity is based on what our heart craves and loves the most. This is also what motivates and moves us.

Like the wind 

You'll guide

Each of us want to matter and to take our place in the world; we want to know why our life counts and what sets us apart. We all have a need for a significant identity. While we all have this need, we also seem to at some point in our lives have an "identity crisis." This is because so often, we build our identity on things that move - things that aren't dependable or constant.

Clear the skies before me

And I'll guide this open sea

When we try to find our significance and worth in ourselves and others, we will often find ourselves disappointed, upset, and hurt. We are an imperfect people; without the right foundation we are worthless. We have to build our worth on something that has value.

Like the stars 

Your Word 

Will align the voyage

In 1 Samuel 16:1-13, David receives a new identity. He goes from being a keeper of his father's sheep, to receiving the anointing of God in a moment. In verse 13 it says, "the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon David from that day forward." Each of us share the destiny and calling of David; we too have been rushed by the Spirit of God, and will rule as the sons and daughters of God. (Ephesians 1:11-14; 1 John 3:1)

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

 If we allow our worth and significance to come from something so solid and eternal as God, we don't have to pretend when we are imperfect. We don't have to try and manage our image or pretend we are okay, when we are really broken. God's grace changes everything in defining who we are. 2 Corinthians 4:7 says, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." Christ's Spirit is the treasure inside of our broken life, he is moving and working in us in powerful and unique ways. Each jar of clay is shaped differently to hold His Spirit for different purposes. Each jar has unique marks, cracks, and broken places; but through these places, God shines through. The places where we feel most vulnerable in our identity, are the ones that are the most useful to God. He uses these unique places to show His glory.

Lost in the shadows amidst fear and fog 

Your trust is the compass that points me back north

When our value, self-worth, and identity comes from God, it can't be found in how we measure up. So whether you feel worthy or ashamed of your brokenness, know that it is God's character that gives us worth, not our own. We have been saved through our faith. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Jesus 

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully yours

We all have an insane calling, and an insane identity; we just have to accept it. We have to choose to build it on the right things.

Like the wind 

You'll guide

For me, this is a hard thing to do. There are so many times that I hide behind Chase or even Aiden. I look at their callings, ministry, and lives and think that there is nothing that I can do to compare. However, we can't compare our calling or identity to others. We all have a unique identity, purpose, and calling.

Clear the skies before me

And I'll guide this open sea

For so long, my identity has been based on other people. Before marriage, it was my family, then it was my marriage, then it was Aiden. When we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, I suddenly felt like I had a new identity to step into. I was going to be a mom to two under two. I started studying and researching how I could be a better mom to both of my children with both of them being so young. When we found out Olivia no longer had a heartbeat, that all came crashing down. It was as if my "clay" was thrown up against the wall. Everything suddenly changed in that moment.

Like the stars 

Your Word 

Will align the voyage

My identity now includes that I am a grieving mother. That includes the days that I dread facing. The times that I have to go hide in the bathroom because of a melt down. The things that trigger a memory that suddenly sends a spiral of emotions. The times that I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. It's a part of my identity that will always be there, and I am learning how to cope with. But, through this new identity comes a new ministry.

And remind me where I've been

And where I am going

This means that I am constantly broken, and there is no way to rebuild my new identity on anything except for Christ. It is through Him that I am able to face the hard days. He is the only thing that is constant in my life, and that has never been more clear than now.

Jesus 

My Captain

My soul's trusted Lord

All my allegiance is rightfully yours


https://youtu.be/dfhy8COCrEc

The Why...

If you're like me, when you hear bad news about 5 million thoughts run through your mind. When we heard those awful, unforgettable words that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat, I was heart broken. I didn't know how to comprehend how this had happened. I had 5 million thoughts that ran through my head... Why? Did I do something to cause this? My body was supposed to protect her and be a safe place until she entered the world. Could I have prevented this? What did I do? I immediately assumed it was my fault. Even though in those first few words, the doctor told us, that often times there is no reason, and you never find out why, I still wanted a reason, a why...

After they gave us a few moments and told us the plan, the Dr. told us that they would check the placenta and umbilical cord to make sure there were no visible signs as to why this happened. He also wanted us to know that we may never know... When she was delivered, she was perfect. The cord was not around her neck, there were no knots, nothing was wrong. So, my last hope was there would be a sign in the placenta. The placenta was still attached so we knew that, that was not the cause. This is a common cause, especially when you are Pre-eclamptic or a prior history of Pre-eclampsia.

When I finally delivered the placenta April was there with us, and with my last ray of hope, I asked her did she see anything. You could see the look in her eyes, she knew that I wanted a reason. But she said there was no signs of anything being wrong. She reassured me again that this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

The blame game is a very easy one to get caught up it, especially for me. I am an over-thinker. I over analyze and get myself worked up over nothing. But in this situation it was different. During the time of us being in the hospital, one of the conversations I had with my mom and Chase was that we wanted to know why. They both kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but to go over the past few days with a magnifying glass over-analyzing every little thing. Did I pick Aiden up, our very big - 30 pound 1 year old, and hurt her? Did wearing Aiden in the Ergo on Thursday night cause me to cut off her oxygen? Did I take something I wasn't supposed to take? It may seem crazy to some, but I literally went through every detail. Had I missed something that I did? I told them both that we wanted and planned on having a big family, how can I have a big family or have any peace about having more kids, if I don't know what caused this.

When Dr. Logan came in, on her day off I might add, she reassured me that there was nothing I did once again, and promised that she would do everything she could to see if we could find a cause. And she did...

Dr. Logan told us that we could come in for our postpartum check up when we were ready. As long as I felt fine, and their were no obvious complications, it was ok to wait. We waited about a week and a half, before we called to set up the appointment. I didn't think it would get to me like it did, until we were called back. Amy took my vitals like always, but this time, with tears streaming down my face. When we went back to the room to wait for Dr. Logan, I composed myself and was ok. Originally we were going to let Aiden stay with my sister, but I decided that morning that I wanted him to go with us. I knew that he would be a "distraction" for me. If he was there I could worry about him, and not have to think about everything else. I'm so glad we took him! I probably would have been 100x worse, if he hadn't been there. Dr. Logan came in and talked with us for a few minutes, and told us that she was pretty aggravated. The postpartum nurses forgot to do the blood work she ordered before discharging us from the hospital. So, none of the lab results were in. She had explained to us in the hospital, that in some cases like mine, they have found that there is a gene mutation that can case things like pre-eclampsia, miscarriages, and stillborns. Since, they didn't do the lab work then, she gave us the option to do it now or at our 6 week appointment. She explained that it would be 10-12 vials of blood, so it could take a while. But, we wanted to know if this was our answer, we wanted to explore every possible cause. So, we decided that we wanted to go ahead and do it now, especially with the chance that we could be moving in a few weeks. 

Thankfully, the lab nurse was able to hit my vein on the first try, and I was actually bleeding. I have TERRIBLE veins. It has always been a struggle getting blood or IVs. My veins are small, very deep, and don't like to bleed. So, this was a big accomplishment. ;-) About 10 minutes and 11 vials later, we were done. 

Aiden was getting restless, so Chase took him to the car while I finished up, and checked out. I was doing fine until I got to the check out counter. I asked her could I go ahead and set up my 6 week appointment now. She asked why I needed to come back at 6 weeks, and then asked did I have a miscarriage. My heart dropped. All I could say was, a stillborn. She just told me to call back to schedule when they call for my test results, so I left, of course with tears in my eyes. It was the first time I had actually said the words, and it took everything I could not to loose it right there. I held it together, and didn't breakdown like I thought I would, but the sting was still there. It was hard walking in knowing that I should still be pregnant, this was the week I was supposed to be doing my glucose test, but instead I'm there for a postpartum check-up.  Even though it didn't seem like it, I was proud of myself for holding it some-what together. However, when I got in the car, it was a different story...

Dr. Logan called me a week later and told me the words we needed to hear, but didn't want. I have a gene mutation that puts me at a higher risk for blood clotting, especially during pregnancy. She explained that this can cause pre-eclampsia (like Aiden's pregnancy), miscarriages, and stillborns. Usually, this doesn't affect a pregnancy until later in the first or second trimester of pregnancy. 

I still didn't know what it was and what all it meant until a few days ago, August 16th: Our 6 week check-up.  I have Serpine 1/PAI 1 (Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor) 4G/4G. This gene inhibits fibrinolysis - the process that prevents, and aids in the break down blood clots. 

Dr. Logan explained it to us, and told us the steps in preventing something from happening in future pregnancies. Of course, I went home and did more research on it, because that's what I do. I wanted to better understand what it is, and know as much as I can about it. Basically, because I have this gene mutation I'm at a higher risk for blood clots all the time, but during pregnancy that risk steadily increases. At week 20 the chances of blood clots is double that of a "normal" woman, and those chances are tripled at full term. If a blood clot occurs during pregnancy, it cuts off the babies oxygen and nutrients, resulting in a miscarriage or stillborn. 

So, what does this mean for our future and the future of our family? I have to take a baby aspirin a day for forever basically, which makes me feel like I'm officially getting old. And, when we are ready for it, I will have to give myself a blood thinner shot daily once we get a positive pregnancy test. Doesn't that sound like fun?!

While finding all of this out gives us closure and some peace, it didn't make me feel better, like I hoped it would. Before we found out that this was "it", I just assumed that finding out would take away some of the pain. That it would help me cope, with what happened, and stop playing the blame game. We have our reason as to "why" medically this happened, but we still don't know "why" it happened to us. I don't know "why" I have to deal with all of these issues with my body. Why do I have to deal with endometriosis, when I'm not pregnant, and now the worry of blood clots? 

It is so easy when you are hurting and vulnerable to just get down in the pits. To feel like it's one thing after another. While we got the answer that we hoped, a reason, it just didn't make things better. I'm still learning to cope with all of this, and understand that God is sovereign. He knows what's going on. He sees my pain, my worry, and my fears. He is holding us up, whether we see him or not. 

I still have moments of guilt, because it's still my body. While I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent this, it doesn't take the hurt away. My body is supposed to be a safe and secure place for a child to grow and develop. In this case, it was the opposite. {Not so} Ironically, my devotion the day we found out that this was indeed the cause happened to be on guilt. I have felt so guilty in this process. Even though, I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what was going to happen, it doesn't change the guilt. I keep asking myself, "What if I would have known that I have this mutation before her heart stopped beating?" Then I think to myself, that I could have stopped it. But, that's not the way things were meant to happen. If you believe in the sovereignty of God, then you have to believe that He is sovereign all of the time. He has a purpose, a reason, a will for everything that happens. 

Through all of this, my mind keeps replaying the story of Job. If you are like me, and were raised in church, you have probably studied Job about 500 times.... Again, {not so} ironically, I did a blog on Job a while ago. Job went through so much, but still praised God. His faith never wavered. Before Job went through all of the devastation he endured, he was already known by God. God knew what was going on, even before Job. He saw it all before it happened, but God also knew what the future held. If Job was faithful, the other side was more than he could have ever imagined it to be. 

In another book I am reading, Mending Tomorrow, the author talks about how life is all about responses to the questions that are thrown at us. We can either choose to respond in a positive way and move forward, or the opposite. There is no doubt that life is going to throw us questions, our question was "how will they respond to death." While your question may be a different, we should all strive for the same response... To turn to Christ and choose to trust Him. James is very clear on how we are supposed view trials, with great joy (James 1:2-3). In the beginning, this seems like an impossible task, but if you are truly leaning on God, He will begin to work on your heart. The author explained, that turning negatives into positive responses, doesn't mean that we are turning negative situation into a positive one, it just means that we are choosing to respond in a way that creates a positive result. We can choose to fall into the pit or we can choose to trust God. One of the hardest parts for me has been letting go and trusting God. There are moments where it has been easy, and other times that I feel like I can't let go. In these moments, I have to choose which response I'm going to make. 

There is nothing that happens to us that catches God by surprise. He sees beyond where you and I are today, and will help us move forward. This give me so much hope and peace for our future. I am clinging to Him and His promises, and so far He hasn't let me down. He has gone above and beyond. In the past month, we have experienced so much yet God has been faithful every single step of the way.

Olivia Grace has changed us in so many ways, and we like to think she has been helping God show up big time in our lives. ;-) I can't even begin to list all the things that we have always hoped for, but never imagined would happen, that have. He truly is the God of miracles.