A Broken Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you  have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. 

"But you, Oh  Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high."  Psalms 3:3 GW

I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to experience a Mother's Day surrounded by all of my children. I love and am obsessed with the two sweet boys I have here on earth, but today is also a painful reminder of the two little girls that I gave with to who aren't here. 

I feel like today is a day that we as moms, are supposed to be the happiest. Today is all about us. We are just expected to be ok and that's not always the case. Maybe the expectation is just one that we (or I) just put on our(my)self. Sometimes we just need a moment, or twenty, because we are so overcome by emotions or grief. And honestly, that is ok! Honestly, for me, Mother's Day is bittersweet, it'd a day of ups and downs. One moment I am ok and the next I can't stop the tears. I feel so much joy and happiness for the lives I've created, but I also feel immense sadness at the very same time. I held it together most of the morning, but on the way back from lunch I lost it. I couldn't fight back the tears anymore, and I asked myself why do I try? Why do we in general think that it's not ok for people to see our raw, ugly, messy life? Why do we think we have to always have it together? Because honestly, I feel like I never do. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and at some point everyone will experience it. Can you imagine the impact we could all have on each other if we were more open and honest?

I long for the day that my family is together and I can hold my girls again. A mother's love for her child doesn't depend on that child being physically present, it is a love that never dies. This day will be a day that is forever hard for me. There is an emptiness, but we have a hope that rests in Jesus, knowing that one day we will see them again and the emptiness will be filled. I will love and treasure all of my children forever.  

"he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you"  1 Peter 1:3-4 ESV

So today, if you've experienced loss, long to be a mother, or are maybe spending Mother's Day grieving your own mother, we remember you. We are you. We hope you have a Mother's Day that is filled with peace and sweet reminders of those you love. If you know a mother who has experienced loss, reach out to her and show her love today. I promise you, she needs it. 💕

Aiden Micah, Olivia Grace, Aila Elizabeth, and Asa Samuel are my everything, and I am so thankful to be their mom.