It's not you, It's me...

It's really not you, it's me... That is my response for so many things now. The things that I can't handle. The things that automatically send me spiraling into an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago. I've experienced more grief, anxiety, loss, hurt, and pain than some people do in a life time, and I'm not even 25 yet. In a matter of 6 months, I have lost not one, but two children.

I've decided that I have to start cutting certain things out of my life for a while. I can't control others, and it wouldn't be fair too; I also can't live in a bubble, and I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me. However, there are certain things that I can control... Things like how much time I spend on social media, who shows up on my "timeline", who I surround myself with, and how I choose to live my life.

It's so easy for people to say, "Well you can't be like that," or "You just can't allow stuff to bother you," or "You just have to get over it." There are some times that I am ok seeing a pregnant woman, and there are other times where I completely lose it.  There are things that trigger so many emotions and so much pain, that it is almost impossible to imagine.

Today, I open up Facebook like most of us do, and the first thing I see is an ultrasound picture. In that moment, time froze. It felt as if my heart stopped beating and I could not breathe. I instantly lost it. Every bone in my body hurt. The last ultrasound I had, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. Every single memory of my last two pregnancies flooded my mind. It's crippling and uncontrollable.

Those are things that you can't just "get over". You don't get over death. You have to learn to live with it and learn how to cope with it. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. That doesn't mean that the pain will go away. That doesn't mean that you are "ok" by the world's standard all the time. It means that sometimes you are emotional, sometimes you cry in public, sometimes you lash out because you are hurting, sometimes you want to be all alone. It means that you may lose friends or have to cut off certain relationships because they just don't get it. Your life is FOREVER changed. While the world around you moves on and forgets, you feel stuck in time.

I saw this quote, and it has stuck with me. You have no idea how many times I've heard "well at least you still have Aiden" or "at least it wasn't Aiden" or "at least you weren't as far along as you were with Olivia." None of this matters. It doesn't matter if you lost your child at 3 weeks, 40 weeks, 2 years, 25 years. That child is still your baby. That child matters. That child is instantly a piece of your heart and soul, the moment you find out they exist.

I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why we are going through this. I don't understand why anyone has to go through the loss of a child. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was reading and studying the bible, when something in a devotional spoke to me. It said while we don't understand why now, one day everything will make sense. The moment that we enter Heaven, all of the puzzle pieces will come together, and we will see the big picture. I can not wait for that day, for sooooooo many reasons.

This has been one of the scriptures that has spoken to me recently. I have quoted it, prayed it, read it, and truly believe it. I believe that God will keep his promise for us. He will give us the desires of our heart. He loves us and cares for us. He is with us every step of the way. It is by His sovereign strength and grace that we are able to get through this.

To those of you who remember our angel babies and have been there for us, thank you. We truly have felt so much love from people who genuinely care for us. Recently one of our best friends had bought a gift for the baby before everything happened, when 'they' gave it to me 'they' said, "This is for OUR angel baby." I had about 5,000 emotions in that moment, but it truly meant the world to me. I wanted to break down crying right there. This baby wasn't just loved and recognized by Chase and I, and it meant so much more than you can imagine. When parents go through loss, one of the best ways you can comfort them is by remembering. Acknowledging their babies that are in heaven. Showing that you care. Being there for them.

One of my biggest desires for my blog is that people will become more aware of not only the process of loss and grief, but the life after. That others will be more kind, compassionate, and loving when they encounter someone who has experienced true grief. Society says it's a taboo subject, and that people shouldn't talk about it. Women are expected just to "get over it" and move on. No one talks about how much your life is changed after loss. It's a journey that you have to take one step at a time, because you never know when a wave will come and knock you off your feet.

For those wondering, we are still waiting on our Anora test results to come back, they should be in by next week at the latest. I'm fairly positive there will be a blog following the results!

I have shared this song before, but it has been on my heart and mind all day. It's my anthem, my heart, my prayer. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKfnF8qmibw&spfreload=10

You Don't Miss a Thing...

We don't know why things happen, but we trust God has a purpose and plan for our lives. I posted a blog a few days ago, sharing some of the promises that God has given us, not knowing what the next day would hold.

 On January 5th, we had our first appointment with the high risk doctor that would be taking our "case." The appointment started with going over our medical history, followed by an ultrasound. As the nurse began to perform the ultrasound, I knew something was not right. After three pregnancies, you know exactly what to look for. The nurse's facial expression changed, as she fought to hide back tears before saying she was going to get the doctor.

When the doctor came in, he began to perform an ultrasound. He moved around a little before turning on the heart rate monitor. We knew that there was no heart beat before he did anything. He didn't have to say anything, we already knew what he was going to say.

The doctor gave us a few minutes before going over the details. Because of how far along we were and the fact that I was on blood thinners, we had to go through basically the same process that we did with Olivia, it just wouldn't be to the same extent. He wanted me to wait until the next morning for us to come in and be induced, so that the Lovenox could have time to get out of my system. He went over some of the details of my history and talked us through what was going to happen next. They gave us instructions on checking in to the hospital, and were very comforting during everything. We left, once again, broken-hearted.

The call came at 7:00 AM Friday morning that our room was ready. Thankfully, we had family who already had plans to be here this weekend, so they took Aiden with them while we went to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 10, and finally started the induction process around 3 pm. At 6:10am on January 7, 2017, at 13 weeks, our 3rd baby was born. Because it was so early in the pregnancy, we were not able to determine if the baby was a boy or a girl, but thanks to testing, we will know in 1-2 weeks. They took a lot of blood samples and will be doing further testing on the blood and placenta to see if we can determine a reason as to why this happened medically.

During this process we have felt so much love and true empathy. People have not only said they love us and are hurting with us, but actually shown that they truly do care and are hurting. We are so thankful for the calls, texts, prayers, and love shown to us. We have felt strangely at peace throughout this whole process, and I truly believe it is because of all the people interceding on our behalf.

We know that this baby is with our precious Olivia Grace, in the arms of Jesus. While it hurts and is so painful, we know that God has got us. He has not left us, or forsaken us. He will give us the strength to get through this. He has given us a hope and a future. The promises that he has given to us in the past year still hold true, even when we do not see how. He will heal our broken hearts, and make us whole again.

Losing a child is never easy, no matter how long you carried the child, it hurts the same every time. During all of this, I've felt like we've had two options: 1) To dwell on the fact that life sucks, and begin to question God and allow anger to set in for God "allowing" this to happen not once, but twice; or 2) To turn to God and allow Him to comfort and hold us, and allow Him to pick up the pieces. I believe that God is a sovereign God, and that he is going to turn all of this around for His glory. Even though it does suck, and we are hurt and broken; He is going to pick up the pieces and turn it into something beautiful.

While we were meeting with the doctor, we spoke a little bit on the future, and what that will look like for our family. He believes that there may be something more going on in my body, and wants to do further testing, when we are ready. We are believing that we will get answers and closure.

We know that there will be a day where we will get to hold all of our babies... and on that day, we will never have to say goodbye. We have a hope for a future.

https://youtu.be/Rzn2inZ3URE

Six Months

    I haven't blogged in a while, because I just haven't felt like it, if I'm being completely honest... The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've faced. I literally didn't want to do anything.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do

    Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to.  It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like "I'm so glad everyone is together" or "everyone is accounted for." I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.

I will love You Lord my rock 

Forever, all my days, I will love You God

I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns forever all my days

Hallelujah

    Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...

You're faithful all my days

When I forget I just see the rain

Cause I see you in the rain

Giving life to every little living thing

There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.

I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.

 I see you in the rain

Giving life and breath to every living thing

Causing dead things to rise again...

It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.

   On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.

 I called Chase and asked if he could come home, trying not to tell him over the phone, he immediately responded with, "your pregnant". After taking another test for reassurance, we begin talking about what had to happen now. Chase sent me a scripture that I have read over and over since that day.

Slow down, take time

Breath in, he said

He'd reveal what's to come

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors."  Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)

The thoughts in his mind

Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.

Take courage, my heart

Stay steadfast, my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting

A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.

I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗

There are days where I am overcome by fear and worry, that something may happen to this baby, and in those moments God always sends me a reminder, that He has us.

Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing

There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow.

From beginning to End, it was all there. It was so big I couldn't get a picture of it, and I was driving. I knew, in that moment, not only did God hear my prayers and desires, He was showing me this Rainbow baby is going to be complete and whole. He is our hope and strength. He will get us through this pregnancy safely.

Sing praise, my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on

Do not forget his great faithfulness
He'll finish all he's begun

There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.

And you who hold the stars

Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me 
That I will rise in your victory

There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)

https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw

https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ