Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 1

To some this blog may be too much, to some it may bring up reminders of what you went through, and my prayer is that to others, it will be a light of hope. My purpose in this blog is not to bring attention to myself or my situation, because that is the last thing I want, but to bring honor to all the mothers who have had to say good-bye way to soon. There is never ever a good time to say good-bye, but when you have to say good-bye before you even get to say hello, is especially hard. July 2nd-4th, will be days that we never forget. I'm going to start at the very beginning, because I feel that, that is the only way to honor our little girl.

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

Sunday, February 21st - The day we got the Big Fat Positive

I hadn't been feeling very well for a couple of weeks, and Chase kept joking that he thought I was pregnant, of course I quickly argued that there was no way. If you know us, or have read my previous blogs, you know that it took us a while to get pregnant with Aiden. In fact, we weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant on our own, so to even think we could get pregnant when we were preventing it, seemed unrealistic. I had taken a test the week before, but it wasn't very clear, there was a very very faint line. I just assumed the test was defective, because there was no way. When I woke up that morning and realized the date, I decided to test again, and there it was.... All I could do was cry...  I kept thinking about what everyone was going to say, and how they would respond. Here we are with an 8 month old, and now we are pregnant again... They were going to be almost exactly 16 months apart. At the time, it seemed impossible because Aiden was still a baby.

It was a Sunday, of course, if you are in ministry you know how Sundays are... I told Chase just as he was getting ready to leave. He hugged me and reassured me that we could do this, that everything was going to be ok. After a short pep-talk, the last thing Chase says as he is walking out the door is, "Don't call anyone..."  That lasted all of 1 minute. Who does a girl call when she needs advice and encouragement?? I called my big sister in a mess. After talking to her for a few minutes, I felt so much better. She reassured me that even though it seemed impossible right now because Aiden was still in the baby stage, he will grow quickly. She explained that before the baby is born, Aiden would be in a toddler stage - he would be more self-sufficient, off of formula and eating real food, talking, and walking. And she was right...

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

Friday, March 24th - Seeing our sweet baby for the first time.

For a mom, there is nothing like seeing and hearing the heartbeat of the baby inside of you for the first time. When we got to Dr. Logan's office, the staff was so nice and encouraging. I was so nervous about going, because of all the problems we faced during my pregnancy with Aiden and it felt like we just left. When we were able to see our baby moving as much as she was at such an early stage, all of my fears were put to ease. Everything was going to be ok, because this baby, our precious baby had a purpose. After seeing our baby, anytime I would begin to worry about how we were going to have 2 under 2, I would repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself, and the worry would disappear.

I don't want my worry to be mistaken for not wanting this baby, because we so wanted her. We fell in love with her the day we found out that we were expecting her. I was just worried about how we were going to be able to "handle" 2 under 2 with everything that comes with having children - financially, emotionally, physically. For someone who is a planner, it was a lot to think about. It felt like we were finally adjusting to having one child, and now we were going to be adding another.

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

Thursday, April 28th - Public Announcement

Is anything really official before you post it on social media anymore? ;-) Unlike our pregnancy with Aiden, we kept this pregnancy a secret from most people for a while. We, of course, told our parents and a few very close friends shortly after we found out, but no one else knew. We finally decided to tell people because I was starting to show, and we knew we would be finding out if we were having a boy or girl in a few weeks. I think most people were shocked, by their reactions and comments, but it was definitely not the response I feared. Most everyone was excited for us, and automatically said that we would have a girl this time. I wasn't convinced...

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Monday, May 16th - Those first kicks!

I had been feeling a few flutters the week before, but on May 16th I felt the very first, very distinct kick. I was at the exact same gestation as I was when I felt Aiden kick for the first time. These kicks were so different from Aiden's though. Aiden always kicked up and out, this baby kicked nerves. It was the weirdest feeling ever.

As a pregnant mom, you so enjoy the kicks. You look forward to feeling the kicks. Even when the kicks hurt, they make you smile and feel peace. They are how you know our baby is alive and healthy.

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thursday, May 26th - What will IT be??

Up until this point everything in my pregnancy had been perfect. I wasn't sick like I was with Aiden, and it was just different. The only symptom I had was being tired all the time, and with an 11 month old, you don't have time to be tired. Chase and I just knew that we were having another boy. We had even picked out a little boy name, every time we discussed little girl names we felt there was no need. There were only boys in Chase's family, so everyone assumed it would be a boy.

When the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly the baby was curled up, feet crossed, in a ball, facing my back. I honestly thought she wasn't going to be able to get a clear shot to tell us what we were expecting. But the baby moved those tiny feet to give us a clear view... It's a girl! Chase response was, "are you sure?" It was very clear that we were having a girl. It's amazing how you can tell so much from an ultrasound. We were unable to get a really good face shot, although the tech tried so hard our baby girl, was not having it. She just wanted to sleep. Everything was perfect.

She was weighing in at 8 ounces, 4 ounces smaller than Aiden was when we went for our anatomy scan with him. Dr. Logan even mentioned the possibility of being able to VBAC because it didn't seem like she would be quite as big as her big brother. This gave me hope, hope that maybe just maybe I wouldn't be as sick as I was with Aiden. Maybe I would be able to recover quickly and not have to worry about having a C-section with 2 small ones. Maybe everything would be ok, and I could enjoy this delivery.

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

Wednesday, June 1st - Disney Babymoon and Gender Reveal

My 1st Mother's Day present, was a kid-free vacation to Disney, all thanks to my hubby. I was a nervous wreck leaving Aiden behind for 5 days, but it was a much needed vacation. We didn't really realize how much we needed it. We hadn't been anywhere alone since Aiden's birth with a few exceptions, and I mean like 2 or 3. We decided to do our Gender Reveal at Disney, because why not... ;-) It's no secret that we LOVE Disney, so it was perfect timing that we got to do our reveal there. We face timed all our parents the first day we were there, May 30th, and showed them our button. They were all so excited, like I said, we all thought it was going to be another boy. The whole time we were there, we heard tons of congratulations, that's why you get a button. :-)

Everyone else kept asking us, wanting to know when we were going to post the picture. We decided that we wanted to wait until we could take pictures at Magic Kingdom, which was scheduled for Wednesday. We were so excited to finally let everyone know that we were having a baby girl. I think most of our friends and extended family were pretty surprised and excited as well. :-) We were going to have the perfect family.

While at Disney, we had to get souvenirs! Our first trip with Aiden, he got a Mickey lovey. He absolutely loves him lovey. So before we even got there, we knew our baby girl had to have a Minnie lovey. And then I saw the Ariel, and she "had" to have it too. :-)

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Tuesday, June 7th - The halfway mark.

Generally with a pregnancy, once you make it to the 2nd trimester you're considered "safe". I was so excited to be at the halfway point in this pregnancy. The day before I got our first set of bows in the mail and couldn't wait to put them to use, it was my first girl purchase. ;-) I finally allowed myself to really getting excited about having another baby and watching Aiden grow up with a baby sister.  It was time to really start getting ready for this baby.

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Tuesday, June 28th - Aiden's First Birthday

We took the day off, and decided to take Aiden to the zoo and spent all day with him. We had been discussing names off and on, and couldn't make up our mind on what we wanted. We are big on what the name means, and wanted her name to have meaning. We joke, because Aiden's name means, Little Fire, which has proven to be the perfect match for him! He is such a little fire ball, so full of personality. So, we said that this baby's name needed to be something peaceful, because we wouldn't deal with two strong-willed kids. I have always loved the name Olivia, Chase wasn't too sold on it. When I broke down the meaning of it, we decided that was her name. We went back and forth between Olivia Grace and Olivia Mae. We wanted all our kids to have a biblical name or aspect to their name, so Grace seemed like the perfect fit, but we liked the name Mae just as much. So, we put it to a vote! :-p We text our parents, and it was unanimous, Olivia Grace. Olivia means olive tree, which doesn't seem to mean much at first glance. However, when you break it down an olive is a symbol of peace used throughout the bible. Grace means God's favor.  It is the perfect name for our little girl.

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not, So

Friday, July 1st - The day I got a bad feeling.

I was up, running around most of the day trying to prepare for baby Aiden's 1st Birthday party. I was putting all of his party supplies together, and we took everything to my mom's so it would be one less thing to worry about. By this point in my pregnancy, Olivia was on a schedule. I knew that every morning around 9, she started moving like crazy. She also got hiccups about 10-15 minutes after I ate, every single time. It was in the afternoons that she was the busiest, she was constantly moving just like her big brother did. Except today, I had not felt her move all day, and I just had a bad feeling. I kept telling myself that it was because I was moving around and stressing about Aiden's birthday party. I told Chase that night that I hadn't felt her move all day, but we decided it was probably because she had tucked herself comfortably behind my placenta. I had an anterior placenta, meaning my placenta was directly in front. This can make it hard to feel the baby move, and extremely hard for other people to feel her as well. Still, something just didn't feel right.

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Saturday, July 2nd - One of the best, worst days of my life.

That morning, we got up and got ready for Aiden's birthday party. I tried several things to get our baby girl to move, but nothing seemed to be working. On the way to my mom's, Chase asked had I felt her yet. All I could do was shake my head, I didn't want to think about it. I just needed to make it through Aiden's big day. This was his day. We decided that if I didn't feel her move, we would call after the party. I was all over the place, running around like a crazy person... Making sure everything was perfect. I couldn't really enjoy the party because I was so worried. I kept praying for God just to let her move, just to give me some peace of mind. I felt so distant and alone from everyone, even though all our close friends and family were right there with us. After the party and lots of pictures, we went home. On the way, I called Chase's mom, who is a Labor & Delivery nurse, and told her what was going on. She told me one more test to try...

It didn't work. She still wasn't moving. I called the doctor's office, and spoke with the doctor on call. When I told him what was going on, his voice changed and he stated that we needed to come in asap to be put on a monitor. I lost it. I was exhausted, scared, anxious, and just wanted it all to go away. Chase reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We got in the car, and left Aiden with my brother. Thankfully, Hayden had followed us to our house from the party, and was waiting on my dad there.

Chase called our parents and let them know what was going on. He is always so calm, when I'm barely holding it together. When we arrived at the hospital they made Chase go register me. Since it was a Saturday, he had to go to the ER to do that. That left me alone in the room with the nurse. She put the monitor to my belly and said, because I was only 24 weeks, she wasn't sure if we would be able to pick up a heartbeat. After trying for several minutes, she thought she heard one. She left the room and came back with the hand held doppler, but still couldn't find a heartbeat. Chase got back to the room just as another nurse came in, and she tried for several minutes to find it, before telling my nurse to order an ultrasound. We waited a little while with heaviness, heart beating out of my chest, trying not to lose it, anxiousness.

The ultrasound tech came in and said he was going to look at the baby. When he put the wand on I could see that she wasn't moving. He took several scans, and then stopped on her heart. I could tell in that moment that it wasn't beating, but I did not want to believe it. Maybe I was just reading the monitor wrong. The tech's temperament changed, and his hands started shaking. He left the room, and said the doctor would be in to see us. My heart broke and I lost it.

Somehow Chase managed to calm me down, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok. It seemed like time stood still. We waited what seemed like forever, before the doctor finally came in, with 2 nurses... I will never forget his words. "Sometimes we don't understand or know why these things happens, but there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." My heart broke into a million pieces. How could this be happening... He gave us a few minutes and then proceeded to tell us why he became an OB-GYN. When he was younger, he went to an appointment with his Aunt when she was 38 weeks pregnant. She came out crying, and of course he asked why, being a young boy. She told him that she found out that her baby died in her tummy. He said that she went on to have several kids, but that it changed him. He said most of the time his profession is happy, but sometimes this happens and we don't know why. He told us that we may never find out why it happened, but they would check.

There is nothing that prepares you to hear those words or to face the fact that your child has died.

After a few minutes, he explained our next few steps. He explained that I would have to deliver our baby girl, and that it was going to be a painful process that could take days. He asked about our delivery with Aiden, because I didn't dilate at all with him and had to have an c-section, it could take longer, but he wanted to try and avoid another c-section. They left us alone to wait for our parents before they moved us to the end of the hall. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I had finally somewhat composed myself when my mom and Wayne came in. After a few minutes with them I told the nurse we were ready to go to the "other" room.

With several attempts and 3 blown veins, the anesthesiologist got my IV going and they started me on Cytotec and fluids. I didn't realize the time, but our first nurse Brittany stayed a good bit after her shift to make sure we were ok. I'm so thankful for the nurses and staff we had for both of our deliveries. I'm convinced that Cytotec is the devil. Shortly after they gave it to me I started contracting. Because they didn't have to worry about harming the baby, and since she was so small they said I could have anything I wanted. They also said I could get an epidural whenever I wanted. Chase asked the nurse if they could give me something to help me sleep, so she came back with some medicine and put it in my IV.

I was in and out most of the night. Everything was kind of a blur. Time didn't exist to us, everything seemed to stand still. I do remember at some point telling my mom that now I have to figure out a funeral, and how we were going to pay for everything. I didn't know how we were going to do it. We didn't have that kind of money saved up. Every 4 hours I had to take more Cytotec, followed by pain medicine because the contractions would pick back up.

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

Sunday, July 3rd - The wait.

That morning Brittany was back to take care of us. Dr. Logan also came in that morning to see us. I have never met a doctor who cares more about her patients than Dr. Logan. She is amazing, and a lifesaver. She held me, and reassured me that she was going to be running several tests to see if we could find out what caused this. She upped my medicine, and told the nurses to give me whatever I wanted. And they finally let me eat! I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday morning, and felt so weak. Once they gave me the higher dose of Cytotec, my contractions started getting stronger and closer together. It wasn't long after, I asked for the epidural.

It was a long, exhausting, almost eternal day of waiting. There wasn't much change for most of the day. However, later on that day my water finally broke and I was dilating. It wasn't until later that night things really started to progress. And by midnight I had finally made it to four centimeters.

At that point the realization of what was about to happen really sank in, and that the labor process had truly began.

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

This song has been my heart and prayer since I heard it. After my dad shared her Hillary Scott's testimony, and the reason behind her lyrics, I understood why it has had an impact. I have included a link to the song, and testimony below. It comes from a broken and pure heart. 

https://youtu.be/OnziMMweJQY

https://youtu.be/bcfGqqQXWRI

https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw

The Dreaded Questions

As I have slowly started going out a little more, I've been dreading the comments and questions that may arise. If you are a person who has experienced loss and grief, you will understand what I'm talking about. Today one of those "dreaded" comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I was holding Aiden when a man asked me how old he was, just trying to make small talk. When I told him the man said,  "It's about time for another one isn't it?" My heart shattered into a million pieces. This man had no clue what my family has experienced in the past few weeks, and he meant no harm in the statement, but I wasn't prepared for it. All I could do was shake my head and say not right now, then turn and walk away with a lump in my throat. It's in these moments that all I can do is ask God for strength; that has been my prayer over and over and over. 

There are so many times that I just feel broken and like a total mess, and the only thing I can get out is "God give me strength." And every time I say that prayer, I feel an overwhelming peace. (I think it's no coincidence that the name that we picked out for our little girl - the very week that she entered into Heaven - is a symbol of peace and grace). 

No matter what we go through, God can and will give us the strength and peace we need to get through it, all we have to do is just ask. There are two verses that I have clung to through this heartache - One was sent to me by someone that I look up to and have the most respect for; the other just happened to be the first verse I read after everything happened. They are my go to verses when feel like I can't go on, and when I need strength. 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬ 

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  - Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭‭

 We all have "mountains" that we have to climb in our lives, whether you are climbing it today or in 5 years. No matter how big or small your mountain is, God will give you the strength to get through. He will bind up your wounds and renew your strength. 

I'm fairly positive that there will be 1,000 more tough questions and comments for us to face, but I know that He will give me the strength I need to face them, even if I am fighting back, or quite possibly burst into, tears. 

And then there were three

     As most people know by now, we are having a baby! We were so excited to finally be able to say those words, and announce it to everyone. What we didn't announce was the trial and test we went through to be able to say those words.

     I previously posted my battle and struggle with Endometriosis, and with this disease comes so much more than just the pain. They tell you when you are diagnosed that if you get pregnant that it "cures" the endometriosis at least for 9 months. I have also had several people tell me, "Oh I had that when I was younger, but after my first pregnancy, it just went away." I'm a little skeptical to believe that, but a girl can dream, right? A few weeks before we moved, my pain started getting worse. It was always the worst at night. So, the first thing I did when we got here was find a doctor. I told her all my symptoms and poured my heart out to her. She laid out all of my options, from trying lupron (which basically puts you through menopause), starting a stronger birth control, hormone treatments, or to start actively trying to get pregnant.

     Now, this wasn't the first time I had heard, oh you should start trying, BUT it was the first time someone explained why. In a nut shell, getting pregnant resets all of your hormones, causing the endometrial tissue to stop growing. If you know me really well, you know that I am a question girl! I like to know why and what and how. And if I was going to seriously consider it, I had to have a good reason as to why for Chase. ;-) We had already been dancing around the subject for a little while before going to the doctor, but hadn't decided anything. I felt like I've always been ready to have a baby. Growing up in a large family, always having babies around, and babysitting, taught me a lot. For a guy, it's totally different! It took me a little while to understand what the big deal was, but I get it now. :-) After much prayer and talking, we decided to go for it.

     I always thought growing up, that when you got ready to have a baby, it would just happen. I never thought about, what if I actually have to try, what if it isn't easy, what if it doesn't happen in the first 3 months... It never even crossed my mind. No one wants to think about what if I have problems getting pregnant. Now, I did start worrying a little when diagnosed with endo, but I would just push it back and say no it won't happen to me. But it did...

     The first 3 months went by and I started to worry a little. I went out and bought What to Expect before You are Expeting, and thought this is it. I'm going to follow this book to a tee and it will happen. Another three months went by and nothing happened. At this point it had been six months, the last thing the doctor told me was if I did decide to start trying and nothing happened in six months to come back. And then she said it.... We will start looking into another laparoscopy surgery to remove the scar tissue and any active endo. I was not giving up that easy though. I didn't want to have to go through another surgery, especially being 3 hours away from our family. Chase and I talked about it, and decided we would keep trying, that if it didn't happen in a year, then we would consider the surgery.

     I began getting so down and depressed. All I could think about was how it'll never happen for me. People all around me started getting pregnant, and it would hurt. It seems so silly, but when you are in the situation, it is a lot different! There are a lot of people out there, who have been trying so much longer than I have, and yet it still hasn't happened for them and they haven't lost faith. I honestly don't know how! Nine months in, I was done. I just knew I was going to have to go through another surgery and then I would probably have to take fertility treatments. It just seemed so unfair! Here I am pouring my heart out to God, living a godly life, and these people just get pregnant and they weren't even trying... I felt like no one understood what I was going through.

     The whole time we were going through this, I kept finding myself being drawn to the story of Abraham and Sarah. I knew if God could work a miracle in their life, it could happen in mine. This story was my hope. With God all things are possible.

     After what seemed to be an eternity, many tears, and a whole lot of worry, we finally got the result we wanted... Two days after Chase's birthday. I woke up at 5:30 from having a dream about being pregnant. Call me crazy, but I just had a feeling. So I went and took at the only test I had. I had to do like 5 double takes, because I couldn't believe it. I couldn't hold in my excitement, but I didn't want to tell Chase until I knew for sure. I had to tell someone though. After all that we went through, I couldn't hold it in. And who does a girl always go to... her bff! Who of course was asleep too. ;-) I decided to go get another test, so I told Chase I was going to get him breakfast and would be back in a few. I got and took the other test at the store, along with a few goodies for my hubby. And of course it was positive. :-)

     I get back home with breakfast and a present for Chase, since you know it was just his birthday. I handed him a card and told him he had to read it first. The card was signed by Baby H, apologizing for being 2 days late. ;-) This was his present and reaction... He had to re-read the card, because he skipped the last page. I kept having to tell him, you're forgetting a page.

     A few days later, we called my parents and our siblings letting them know. But since we were celebrating Mr. Tracy's birthday that Friday, we decided to wait to surprise him and Mrs. Chon. And it was so worth the reaction we got! We got a onesie that said "Grandpa is my biggest fan" and put it in a bag under a Life is Good t-shirt. :-)

     We were so overwhelmed by everyone's love and support when we announced it. This baby has been prayed for and loved for a long time, and we are thrilled to be able to be parents! July can not get here fast enough!!

     So far, pregnancy hasn't been too bad. It could always be worse, right? Up until this week I've been nauseous all day, just about everyday. Although, I've only truly gotten sick 4 times, the nausea is pretty bad. And the cravings are crazy! I always thought that cravings were just kinda like in your head... But boy was I wrong!!! When I get a craving all I can taste, think about, and want is that. I've wanted everything from pickles, watermelon, steak, boiled peanuts, and chocolate cake.

    We went to the baby doctor Dec 1st, and were finally able to see our little. (S)he had a heartbeat of 174, although we couldn't hear it, the doctor said it was very strong. And while I'm pulling for a girl, the hubs is pulling for a boy. ;-) Either way, we can't wait to meet baby H!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

The Big Move

     So much has changed since the last time I blogged! I told myself when 2014 started that I was going to become a blogger. That lasted all of a few months, and then life got crazy for us.

     As I step back and take a look at all things God has been doing in our life in the past year, I am in awe. Chase and I had been praying and seeking God's direction as to what He wanted to do in our life and where he wanted to lead us, pretty much since we got married. We just felt that weren't doing enough, and that God had bigger plans.

     In January we were asked to come lead worship at Gulfway Church for a Sunday, little did we know they were praying and looking for a worship leader. After hearing their vision and goals for the church, we knew this was where God wanted us. Within a week we accepted the job, and within 2 weeks we were moving to Gulf Shores.

     Now, we are just a few months shy of being here a year. We have grown so much during that time. Moving from a small town to a much bigger, tourist spot was a huge change for us. And on top of that, we hadn't even been married a year when we made the big move. Our life changed dramatically. We went from having all of our family within an hour of us, to now being 3 hours away from the closest. I think that was the hardest part of the move for us both. :-)

    There were so many times we get so caught up on life, the changes, and loneliness (not that we were lonely, we were just away from everyone we knew), that we forgot what we were doing here. (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself) There were times I felt like I was praying and seeking God with everything I had, but my prayers weren't going anywhere. Looking back now, I see that those were the times that God was wanting me/us to find our way to Him. I think that sometimes, God wants us to make the first move towards Him. He wants to see if we are going to give in to the pressures or if we are going to continue pursing Him through everything. It's during those times, that I feel the most spiritual growth. And that is what this whole journey has been...

Doubt, Doubt, Go Away...

     Have you ever felt as if you are the only person in the world who struggles with doubt? We all struggle with doubt at some point in our life. I am currently reading three books, and one devotional. Ironically, all of the chapters and my daily "devo" for the past two days have been on doubt and having confidence in The Lord. Now, some people will call this a coincidence, but for me it is God speaking directly to my heart. There are so many times that I doubt what God is telling me, not because I doubt God, but because I doubt myself. When we allow to doubt to creep in to our lives, God can't use us to his full ability. We are putting a limit on His power and promises. There are several reasons we doubt, this is one of the main ways the enemy get to us.

     One reason that we doubt ourselves is sin. The devil will use our past to tell us we are unworthy to be used by Christ or that we just aren't good enough because of what we have done. When Christ Jesus was nailed to the cross, His blood not only paid for the sins we have already committed, but also the sins we will commit. 1 John 2:2 says "He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." Ephesians 1:7 states, "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." God sent his son to die on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. When we become saved we get a clean slate to "start over," our former sins are not held against us.

     Another reason we doubt ourselves is self-doubt; the lack of self-confidence. Self-doubt blocks the promises of God's power to change us. It keeps us from believing that things can get better, and convinces us it is not worth the bother to try. According to the dictionary, self doubt is the lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities; a feeling of having no confidence in your abilities or decisions. To many times we go along tossing our confidence in the trash without even thinking about it. James 1:6 says, "But when you ask, you must believe, and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

     The last reason we doubt ourselves (that I am going to hit on at least) is uncertainty. Uncertainty is the unknown or questionable. It creates a huge shadow of doubt that follows us. Think of it this way, it's about four P.M. in the middle of July. You walk outside to get something out of your car when you notice your shadow. Your shadow is much bigger than the real you. No matter what you do, your shadow follows you, you can't escape it. The shadow of doubt is the same way. Our doubt is bigger (overpowers) our confidence, the only way to escape it is to face the light. God's design for us is not to be stuck in a cycle or living in the shadow of doubt. There are many times in our walk with Christ that our faith is tested. Most of those times call for some uncertainty. We have two choices when faced with uncertainty, we can either have confidence in Christ or we can begin to allow doubt creep in. Matthew 6:34 states, "Therefore do not worry (doubt) about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Doubt and hope can not coexist in our hearts at the same time. The God of all hope is calling you out of the shadow of your doubts so that you can live with a confident heart!

     The first step to living with a confident heart is for us to recognize the power we give to doubt, then stand up to it and claim confidence is ours through Christ. This process can only happen if you are willing to be honest with God and yourself. Lean on a trusted friend or mentor to help keep you accountable in the processes of claiming your confidence. 1 John 5:14-15 says, "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him."  God desires us to have confidence, all we have to do is ask! God declares with confidence, things can change. In Mark 9:23 Jesus states, "All things are possible for the one who believes." Belief is having confidence that God is able. Beyond believing in Him, God wants us to believe Him! He desires for us to believe Him by relying on the power of His words and promises and living like they are true no matter what our feelings say. We can be confident that if we are praying God's word that we are praying God's will. Believe that He can do what He says He can do.

     God applies the same power to our need that He extended when He raised Christ from the dead! (Ephesians 1:18-23) God wields incomparably great power for those who choose to believe Him. Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God works for our good, He will not cause us harm. We can have full confidence in God, that He will never do anything or lead us anywhere that is going to harm us. There will be times we are challenged to have full confidence in God from one season to the next. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5 states, "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in  ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." Hebrews 4:15-16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." We are able to approach the throne of God, not because of we do, but because of what Christ Jesus did! Because of Christ's sacrifice, we have been given the right and the privilege to come before God in complete confidence. Christ understands our weaknesses, he faced all of the same tests that we do, yet he did not sin. If we approach the throne boldly with confidence, it is there that we will receive His mercy and grace. We are not to approach the throne of the Almighty cowering in fear or behind our sins, weaknesses, or mistakes; but in great boldness, with confidence. And we come knowing we will receive His grace and mercy. When we approach the throne in weakness or fear, we are allowing the enemy space in our time with God. 

     God is calling us to believe Him! He is calling us to put our confidence in Him, to truly rely on and have faith that He is able. Hebrews 10:35 says, "So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward." Matthew 7:20 states "Because of your little faith. For truly I say to you, if you have faith (confidence in God) like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from her to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Faith is having complete confidence or trust in someone. God wants us to have complete faith and confidence in the things that we pray for. Don't be so safe in the things you pray! Declare your needs and wants before the Lord. He longs for someone to be bold, relying on Him in confidence that He will come through. 

     Without faith it is impossible to please God! Faith is confidence, therefore without complete confidence in Christ it is impossible to please God. The most monumental leap we can take toward our freedom from doubt is the leap to our knees. Begin to cry out and confess your doubt to God. Pray his word, this is one of the most life changing ways we can learn to live in the security of His promises. You will be amazed at the things that begin to take place in your life when you believe God with complete confidence! 

• Lord God, please help me to be like Abraham who, by faith, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. (Hebrews 11:8) Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before. 

• Father God, help me to be self-controlled and alert. My enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Help me to resist him, standing firm in the faith. I can be assured that other believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:8)

• Oh Lord, according to your wonderful word, this the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5) Help me to see that faith is crucial if I am going to be a victor and an overcomer. 

My Battle, My Story

 

     I have been debating doing this for some time now, but kept telling myself no; that I didn't need to, that no one needs to know those details. However, the past couple of days as I have been experiencing some difficulties it has been so heavy on my heart to share my battle. If it just touches or raises the awareness for one person that it is worth it! I will worn you though, this may not be the greatest things you read. I will be talking about stuff that most people will not dare to mention. 

       It all started in January of 2012, although now I look back and see many signs of its presence before then. I finally decided to go to "that" doctor because I had been experiencing some problems and wasn't sure exactly what was going on. I just wanted answers, but was scared to death. You see for the past several months I had been having a cycle for over half the month and I felt like I was always hurting. When I went in my Dr. could tell I was a nervous wreck and let me just stop now and say I LOVE Dr. Torrence! She of course asked why I waited this long to come and didn't come sooner, but reassured me that we are going to get to the bottom of this. She did the normal testing, then sent me over for blood work. She also recommend that with everything that was going on, I take a low dose birth control pill to help regulate my hormones, but with me being a new patient wanted to make sure I was comfortable with that. I agreed that I would give it a try if it would help, so she prescribed LoEstrin 24 Fe, which is a low dose pill. After the blood work I was scheduled for an appointment two weeks later to get the results and diagnosis. When I left I felt like I was on the right track, although I was slightly disappointed I didn't get a diagnosis and fix right then.

      When I went back Dr. Torrence thought at first maybe it was my thyroid causing these problems and wanted to check my iron and hormone levels to be sure, but when the blood work came back, they were both normal. She wasn't quite sure exactly what was causing these problems so I was sent over for an ultrasound of my cervix and uterus. Now, you have to put yourself in my shoes... I had just turned 20; this was only my second time seeing the female doctor; I was still adjusting to being a "grown up" and doing things on my own; I had never had to have an ultrasound before or any further testing; and not to mention my parents were very protective of us so I had no clue what to expect. I felt so alone in that moment and was completely freaking out on the inside, but trying to hold it all together. I still remember telling myself not to cry, not to show my fear, that it would be ok. Little did I know what type of ultrasound this was going to be and what was yet to come. As I sat there waiting and waiting it seemed like the longest time. Finally I was called in and she started. The ultra-sound tech was absolutely wonderful. She talked me through everything and was so gentle with me, as she could tell I was a nervous wreck. Then the unexpected happened... She stopped and said she needed to go get Dr. Torrence that she would be right back. At this point the lump in my throat started to form, and you know what I'm talking about. That painful lump you get when you are trying with all your might not to cry, to simply hold it in. They both came back in and started talking to each other, I didn't know what was going on and was screaming on the inside. Dr. Torrence finally began to explain that there was something blocking my ovary, at first they couldn't see it at all, but once they moved the wand around they finally saw that it, however there was a mass blocking it. She was unsure of exactly what this mass was, and wanted to schedule a CT scan to determine the exact size and to identify it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My head was spinning with ideas of what this mass could be. I got in my car and broke down. All I could do was just sit there and cry. I finally calmed down enough to start making calls. I tried to call my mom, but she was in class, so I left her a voice mail to give me a call as soon as she got done. I then was attempting to call my dad when Chase called me. I explained to him what was going on and he of course made me feel better. He calmed my nerves and reassured me that it would be ok, that everything was going to be fine. When I got off the phone with him I called my dad to explain to him what was going on and that I didn't know when it would be done, but that as soon as I knew I would let him know. Then my mom called me back. For those of you that know my mom know how she is... a mama bird! She wanted to know exactly what was going and wanted to know every detail and possible outcome. Her response was I'll call Mrs. Sabrina (she works at Ladies First and is a family friend) and see if she can tell me anything else. After talking to them I had finally gained my composure enough to drive the long hour drive back from Dothan. My mind still going 90 to nothing. 

     The next few weeks were so stressful. I am the type of person who has to have answers. I am always asking questions trying to understand everything. I had been on web-md, google, and any other medical website there was trying to find the answer. My mom had mentioned the possibility of endometriosis, but I thought no that can't be it. I had been praying and even began fasting for what the results would be. I wanted answers, but did not want the answer to be more than I could bare. I kept praying that it not be cancer, telling God that I want kids one day and that this just wasn't fair. I began to question God and ask why me. When the day finally arrived I was so unsure of if it would hurt, what it actually was, or what I'd have to do. Thankfully, another family friend is a radiologist, so her and my mom were texting back and forth explaining what it would be like and what I needed to expect. I got there and they gave me this awful chalky water to drink, which I now know was the dye. I was supposed to drink 2 bottles, but could barely finish the first. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally called me back for the scan. Once the scan was over I was sent home and told that my doctor would be contacting me to schedule an appointment for the results. 

     
     When I went back to the doctor, the results showed nothing, except two small cysts on my uterus. I was relieved to hear this, but at the same time I was still confused. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me. How could I go through all of this and be in this much pain and it be nothing. I just didn't understand. My doctor kept talking and looking through my folder. Finally she proceeds to tell me that the best option at this point is to move forward with a laparoscopy, that she believes I may have endometriosis. She began explaining the procedure to me and how I would feel afterwards. She stated that if it wasn't endometriosis that this procedure would give us more insight as to what steps we would need to take next, and that through this they would be able to see exactly what is going on in my body. I agreed to proceed with it and we went a head and scheduled the surgery. Thank goodness Lauren went with me that day, or I might would have burst into tears right there. 

     It was long before my surgery day arrived. I woke up trying not to think about what was going to happen as the day continued. I don't remember the exact time I had to be at the hospital, but it was early. I wasn't there long before they put me in a room to prep. Once they gave me my nausea medicine (I don't do well with anesthesia) and the nurse tried her hardest to find my vein (I always the best experience having deep, thin veins... Not), it was all a blur. I do remember that the nurse who rolled me back to the OR was named Yvette (my mom's name) and right before she took me in she said that she just felt like she needed to pray with me and she asked if that was ok! That meant the WORLD to me! She didn't know me, but she could tell that I was scared and that I was a christian. I was then placed on the OR table, where the lights went out. 

     I woke up just as they were rolling me into my outpatient room. I have several funny stories about coming too and being in that room, some of which are not appropriate to tell. My dad had to go back to work, My mom had just left to go get lunch (since they had been there all morning), Chase was at the studio, so I came back to Vanessa until Mom got there like a minute later. When I first saw her I kept trying to lift up my head to look at her but couldn't because of the anesthesia, which was pretty funny. She of course laughed at me though. When my mom got there the nurse was checking all of my gauze and making sure everything was good, she asked me did I need anything. My response was when can I have some pain medicine. ;-) She said I had to eat before they could give me any medicine, so I simply told her that I needed something to eat and drink then. I still didn't know the results of the procedure and didn't think I would find out for a couple of weeks, until my mom said that they had called on the outpatient phone and told her that I did have Stage I endometriosis, as well as, a cyst that they extracted. I wasn't quite sure what all this meant for me, but I was glad and at peace to finally have the answer to my problems. Vanessa drove me home, since I couldn't drive and since I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, we had to stop to get my favorite weakness as a post-surgery meal. 

     The next few days (and weeks really) were hard. If you have ever had surgery where they go in through your belly-button, you know the pain, if not be glad! It makes every movement difficult and painful. (You really don't realize how much you use your stomach muscles until you can't) I am fortunate to be surrounded with so many people who love me and helped to take care of me during the healing process. (My in-laws even had my favorite flowers waiting for me when I got back ;-))

     My post op appointment was the following week with my doctor. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect when going, but I was finally at peace knowing I had my answer. She began to explain endometriosis and what happens in your body. She decided to put me on a higher dose of birth control and prescribed pain medicine to help ease some of the discomfort. She checked all of my incisions, told me to come back in 4 weeks for a check up, and I was out the door. It has now been over a year since my procedure. I can't tell you how many times I have been to the doctor in the past year! I have swapped birth control medication 4 times now, trying to find something to "help". It has been a frustrating process, yet an encouraging one as well. Through all of this, I have grown so much in my walk with Christ. I have learned to have faith that he is my healer, even if that means I don't get healing immediately, and that he promises not to cause me harm. I knew all of this before, but it puts things in a different perspective when you have to rely and stand on those promises. 

     Now, you may be like me before my surgery, and don't know that much bout endo... That's ok, many people may have heard of it, but have no idea what it is or the symptoms of it. Endometriosis is a condition in which endometrial tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of your uterus or pelvic region. The tissue continues to act as it normally would as if it was inside of your uterus; it thickens, breaks down, and then sheds, causing bleeding. Because the tissue has no way to escape it becomes trapped, causing the surrounding tissue to become irritated, and eventually causing scar tissue possibly even adhesions. This can cause pain and cramping in the lower back/abdomen, painful urination, painful bowel movements, pain during ovulation, pain during intercourse, painful menstrual cycles, constipation or painful bowel movements, abdominal bloating, heavy or irregular bloating, migraines, or fatigue. The most well known symptom, how most women are diagnosed, is infertility. 

     There is no known cause for endometriosis, although they do believe there is a hereditary link. Of course with no cause, there is no cure for it either. There are treatments to control the endo, including; hormone treatments, laparoscopic excision surgery, hysterectomy, pain killers, diet and nutrition.   The only way to confirm and diagnose endo is to perform a laparoscopy to "look" at the uterus.  An estimated 176 million women worldwide have endo; 8.5 million alone in North America. Yet endo remains misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and ineffectively treated, even though it is one of the most prevalent causes of intractable pain, hysterectomy, and infertility among women. Because we are so often told by society not to talk about the symptoms and problems involved with endo, many women suffer in silence, not knowing what is wrong. 

 

     For me, endometriosis is not only a disease, but a fight! Most days I am in pain and struggle to make it through the day. On average a woman with endo misses 11 hours of productivity a week due to the pain and fatigue associated with the disease. I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, but I feel like there needs to be more awareness for this disease for girls like me. 1 in 10 women have endometriosis, but only 30%-40% of those women are unaware of it. 

     

     I'll leave you with some cute e-cards I found on Pinterest and thought I would share. They made me giggle. ;-)

I've also included some links with more information, if your interested in doing more research!! :-)

http://centerforendo.com/endoq&a.htm

http://www.endocenter.org/

Studying Job

     If you are anything like me, having been raised in church your whole life and knowing every bible story, you have heard and know the story of Job. It's one that I have heard many times, and often more so than not just passed by. However, there is a lot to be learned in the story and life of Job. As I have begun reading a new book and devotional, this week's study is on no other than Job. It has opened my heart to some things that I felt like sharing. 

     Job was a man after God's own heart. The bible says he was "blameless and upright"  that he feared God and turned away from evil.  He was dear to God because of his faithfulness and love. Job continually praised and worshiped God. When Satan confronted God about Job, he made the argument that if everything God had blessed Job with was taken away then surely he would curse God. I can just imagine the devil before God trying to make a point that Job hasn't been through any trials, that he has had it easy. That Job just needs a little pressure and surely he will crack. It was all a test to see if in the end Job would cave or if he would continue to praise and worship God. God granted Satan permission to touch anything that Job has, but not to touch Job. The main point here is that God had to grant Satan permission!

     In Job 1:13-19, just 6 verses I might add, everything is taken away from Job. One servant after another came in to tell Job that all he had was now gone. In total he lost 1,000 oxen, 500 donkeys, 3,000 camels, 7,000 sheep, all of his servants except the few who escaped to tell him what had happened, and all 10 of his children! In a 24 hours, Job had gone from being a wealthy man to utter poverty. In all of this Job still had the strength to praise God. In verses 20-21 it says, "Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'" Job fell on the ground and worshiped God, in all of his turmoil. Job isn't a fictional character or a symbol to make a point, he is a real person just like you and me. He endured more heart break in 24 hours than most of us endure in our life, yet he still chose to worship God. Job also acknowledges that nothing was his to begin with, and that God had the right to take it away. Through all of his pain, Job still praised God. He didn't let poverty, hurt, grief, or even torment stop him from worshiping God. He continued to praise and magnify the one true God. All I can say is WOW! How many times do we stop and worship God when bad things happen to us?!

    Many times we, as Christians, allow our pain to stand in the way of knowing God more intimately. We get a case of the poor pitiful me's and want everyone to sympathize with us. When the rains starts to fall and you find yourself on your knees, is the best time to praise and worship God for the blessings He has given you. We have to remember that even when times are tough and things are not going as they should, that God is in control. Satan has no control over our life, it is only through God's permission that he can touch us.  James 1:2-4 tells us to consider it joyful when we go through trials. Trials build and produce faith and trust, making us pure. Every time I read this verse I think about how crystal is molded into beautiful sculptures. While we were on our honeymoon we had the opportunity to see how crystal sculptures are molded. When you first see it is dull and dingy, there is nothing spectacular about it, but after it is put in the fire and begins to burn it starts to form a shape and begins looking beautiful. Once the crystal is pulled out, it is spotless. You only have so much time before the crystal starts to harden to work with it and mold it into a masterpiece. We as humans are the same way. God is constantly molding us. We go through the fire so that we can be broken down and molded back together. It is through that fire that we are continually growing and learning to truly rely on God.
     
     Job 3 shows us a different side of Job. To me this only proves to us that he is human. Job asks the question that so many of us ask when things go wrong in our life... WHY?? Job 7:20 says, "Why make me your target? Am I burden to you." I find myself asking God the very same thing when things are going wrong in my life. It is so easy to turn and ask God why, but we must understand that God does not owe us an answer. This is something that I struggle with. I'm the type of person who probably gets on everyone's nerves because I am always asking questions (often why). I am just inquisitive and like knowing all the answers to stuff. So, it's hard for me to know I can ask all day long, but still not get a direct answer. My parents always talk about how when I was little I had to have all the attention when I was speaking, constantly pulling on them making them look at me when I was talking. How much simpler would life be if we could do that to God. To just turn to Him and get the answer right then. Although it seems like a great idea, how much would we learn or grow from that? It is through seeking the answers that God moves us and leads us closer to him. Those trials purify us, our faith, and bring us to the point of worship. It requires us to lean on and trust God's promise. God doesn't mind us asking questions, but we can't get caught up and focused on all of unanswered questions in life. God wants us to depend and rely on Him with every circumstance in our life.


     Job did just that. When everything else fell down, when he had nothing left he turned to God and simply praised. All of his friends and even his wife couldn't understand why he continued to worship a god who would allow this to happen, but he did anyway. In the end Job was blessed twice beyond what he had before. No matter what happens to you or how painful the situation may be, the Lord has the final say. He will get the victory and the glory. When trials come your way begin to look at the positive and praise God.