Thy Will...

Thy will be done... That is something that I'm sure many of us had prayed, sang, and trusted in. Thy (God's) will be done. What does that mean? What is God's will?

Here is what the bible says about God's will..

1. "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

2. "Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20-21

3.  "Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15-17

4. "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36

5. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that be testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

It's even in the Lord's prayer...

6. "....your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..." Matthew 6:10

This is what Jesus said was his will, his purpose...

7. "For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day." John 6:38-40

So what is God's will? I believe that while we do have the choice of free will, each of us have a certain "purpose" on this Earth. We have to make the choice to fulfill that "purpose" or "will".  The first choice we make towards fulfilling His will for our lives is whether or not we will choose Him. His will is that His children love Him and seek Him. Without Him, we are nothing. There is no "will" or "purpose" without the Sovereignty of God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength... Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

The very first thought I had, after coming to the realization that our Olivia was gone, was "God, how can this be your will." In my mind, in that moment, God had taken away my baby girl. He had crushed my hopes and dreams. Throughout this process of grief and healing, I have often repeated that same question. I just don't understand how this can be a part of His plan. How can God allow us to hurt this much? I have read so many scriptures, testimonies, blogs, and several devotions and still haven't come up with an answer. I don't think that we will ever truly understand why this happened on this earth, but we can have hope. We can lean on God and trust that his will is the best. He is Sovereign. He is God and I am not... He is the God of miracles... His life is flowing through my veins... He has given us promise after promise, and he will not fail us. 

"God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid." Psalm 46:1-2

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

"Do you now know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" 1 Corinthians 3:16

By clinging to God's promises, we feel safe and secure, protected, and led. He is our refuge. In Him, we can find comfort. We can find peace. We can find strength. We can find true joy and happiness again. In Him, his will, will be revealed. 

I stand before You now

The greatness of your renown

While I don't have all the answers, and still don't understand why this happened to us, I do see the affect it has had. It has been through much prayer and studying, that I have realized that God did not take away my baby girl, He saved her. As much as I want Olivia Grace here on this earth with me, she is in heaven. I'm sure if she had the choice, she would choose to stay there, and I couldn't blame her. She will never experience the kind of heartache that I have, she gets to live in heaven for eternity with our Savior. She drew the big straw, she gets the better end of the deal. Her life has purpose, and has brought so much joy to our lives. She has changed us. And I like to think that she is helping God align the path for our family. 

I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you

King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

A few days after the passing of Olivia Grace, Chase got an unexpected email. Before everything happened, we had been praying about God's will for our lives and family. We wanted more out of life. We want(ed) so bad to make an impact for the kingdom, and it just didn't feel like we were doing that where we are. We talked and prayed about whether or not we felt like this opportunity was something that we wanted to pursue. At first, I had so many emotions and was broken about it. (I was already broken enough without adding anything else on top of that.) It seemed like this was the perfect opportunity, but I didn't understand why now. I was scared. I was scared that if we made any decisions, that we were choosing to move on, and I wasn't ready. I was not ready to "get over" the fact that I had just lost a child. Now seemed like the most unconventional, and worst time for God to start answering prayers. Especially, when we just cried out to him a few days ago to make our baby girl move. In my selfish mind, I felt like if He was going to answer any prayers, it should have been that one. If you can't tell, I was mad at God... I felt like this was all His fault. I kept thinking, "How am I supposed to pray about a decision that could ultimately separate me from my baby girl." If we stay where we are, we are only 10 minutes away from where she lays "sleeping." It was during all of this, that God broke my heart even more, but in a totally different way. My sweet, loving, Godly husband snapped me out of it... And I will never forget his words... "This is going to make you cry and it is going to upset you, but I have to say it. She is not there. Her body is there, but she is not, and you know it. No matter where we go she will be with us. We will never forget her." He was right, and the flood gates opened. He said I couldn't let fear of leaving because this is where she is buried stand in the way of what God wants. He said we didn't have to make a decision right this second, but made me promise to pray about it. I sat on my couch, holding Aiden, crying and praying most of the afternoon. 

As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

I didn't pray for an answer, I just prayed for peace. "If this is your will, give me peace." That's all I wanted. That's all I needed. Peace. Remember from my previous blog, Olivia means a symbol of peace. :-) While I was crying out to the Lord, basically begging for peace, it was like a wave overcame me. 

For You are for us

You are not against us

God can give you unexplainable peace. Before all of this happened, I struggled with anxiety almost daily. I have anxiety attacks, which are easier to hide, but make me feel like I'm dying on the inside. I usually just work myself up to that point, and I have no idea why. So, having peace is always something that I've struggled with. Not that I don't trust God, I've just let fear get in the way in my peace. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm off of all anxiety medicine now, because I am not, but I can tell you that I have more peace now than I have ever had. God has used everything that has happened to work on certain areas in my life, and this is a big one! 

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

Chase text me and asked if it was a thumbs up or thumbs down on my end, because he needed to know what I was feeling. I sent him a thumbs up. I had my answer, and the reassurance I needed from the one who holds the future. I still had a lot of questions, and some fear, but I had to trust in God's will, and that He would work everything out for us. 

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in

While we have prayed over every position we've ever taken, this one was different. The prayer and thinking that went into this decision was more than any other. Our life is different now. For one, we are moving for the first time with a child, but we also just had to bury a child. My fear was that people would think that we were taking this position to try and run away from what happened. I told Chase before we left for our visit, that I was scared people would think or say that. And some have... As much as I wish there were, the is absolutely no way to run from the pain of losing a child. It is not something you can run or get away from. That child is always with you. Olivia will be with us no matter where we are. {Call me what you want, but every time I say that or think that the song "He Lives in You" from The Lion King plays in my head. (I admit that I am a Disney Junkie and have an obsession with all things Disney, and am proud of it.) But, it's the truth! Just change He to She...} This decision was not a spur of the moment decision, because of what we were going through. This decision has been prayed over, thought over, and we have sought out the Lord's will.

I have heard You calling my name

I have heard the song of love that You sing

It is no secret that we LOVE Disney, but our love for Disney goes further than just Disney. Every time we've gone to Disney, we have fallen more in love with the area and location (Orlando). During all of our prayers and seeking, we have talked about and prayed that God would put an area on our heart. When we began praying for our ministry, and where God might lead us next, we wanted to not only have a heart for the church, but also the city. This was something that we had never prayed before. Before, we only focused on the church. While the church is so very important, we believe that you also need a heart for the community. How are you supposed to minister to the community, if you don't have a heart for it? 

So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore

Into Your grace

Your grace

When we took our last trip to Disney in late May-early June, it was just Chase and I. We talked about how we both such a heart for that area. We also talked about how amazing it would be to do this all the time, to be able to raise our kids there. It was only a few days after we left, that the shooting happened in Orlando. We both literally ached for the community. To us, it almost felt like "home." 

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

I say all of this, to show you that God will give you the desires of your heart. He will bless you far more than you've ever imagined. In all of our pain that we faced, we never imagined that on opportunity like this was waiting just around the corner. When it didn't seem like it, He was listening to our prayers. He was preparing us for His ministry. 

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

We went on July 22-25 to "try out" and formally interview for the position. I say "we" but ultimately it was Chase. We both fell in love with the area, the church, the vision, and the possibilities. It was everything that we had prayed for. The church is in Altamonte Springs, Florida, which is just outside of Orlando... It is approximately 30 miles to the entrance gate of Magic Kingdom, according to google maps. ;-)

I like to think that Olivia had a hand in this move and opportunity. Everything has lined up perfectly for us. We had initially planned on getting involved in a support group that is located in Montgomery, before we decided to take this position. They take summers off, and start back in August, so we were having to wait until they started back with their monthly meetings. We have recently found out that there is not only a huge support group for people who like us, have experienced the loss of  infants, but there are also a few people in the church who have a very similar story to ours.

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you made

As much as we would have never chosen this path of grief and loss, it has completely changed our lives and our ministry. There are so many people that we will now be able to connect with and show the love and grace of Christ, that we would have never been able to minister too before this. We are so excited to see what God has in store for us, and for His ministry. He is making me brave, and calming all of our fears. He is still working and changing me, for His glory. He is continually revealing His will for us. Seek Him, and you will find Him.

Look out Disney, here we come!! :-)

https://youtu.be/6Hi-VMxT6fc

Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 2

This blog will be much different than any I have ever written. Although I haven't written much in the past, this is something I feel lead to do given with the events that have taken place in my life in the past month. I feel like I have to do this. I need to let my voice be heard, in honor of my baby girl. If you haven't read Part 1, I encourage you to do so before reading any further.

Just to add a disclaimer, I am going to go into few of the details of the birth and death of our little girl, because it is all a part of our story. Without all the details, it isn't really our story, it's just a version of the story.

 The One who made the blind to see 

Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me

Monday, July 4th - The worst day of my life.

July 4th for most is a day of celebration. You get to enjoy fireworks, usually good food, and sometimes even parades. For us, July 4th will never be the same. I was ready to get labor over, but I wasn't ready for it. It was a mixture of emotions. I knew that after I delivered, there was no going back. Even though, she had already passed, Olivia wasn't officially dead until she was born. And I would no longer be pregnant. While we were there, I told Chase several times that I just wanted to go home. If we were home, none of this was happening.

 Today, I was exactly 24 weeks along. Although my pregnancy had been perfect up to this point,  I dreaded week 24. The closer it got, the more anxious I became. At 24 weeks with Aiden, I started having signs of pre-eclampsia; high blood pressure and severe swelling. I was scared that this pregnancy would be the same. I had no idea, that in the pregnancy, I would be getting ready to deliver at week 24.

Early that morning, around 2 am, I had finally progressed to 6 centimeters. My nurse, Devon, suggested that I roll onto my left side, because sometimes that speeds up the progress. They only really expected me to make it to 7, and then be able to deliver because of how small Olivia was. After helping me get onto my side, because half of my body was numb, Devon left the room for us to rest. I was in and out of sleep for a while, before I woke up in a lot of pain. I woke Chase up and told him he needed to help me roll back over and sit up because I was hurting. During all of that my mom also woke up from a very short cat nap. The nurses and Dr. kept telling me that when I felt pressure, I needed to let them know. Because I had a c-section with Aiden, I was unsure of what I should be feeling, and what was normal. We determined that this was definitely the pressure they were talking about, and not just a contraction. So, my mom went and told Devon. She came in to check, and by a miracle, I was complete. I had made it to 10 centimeters. When she said that, the flood gates opened, and the heaviness set it. The room fell silent.

The One who made the deaf to hear

Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear

Devon went to call the doctor and let him know that we were ready. She came back in with the delivery table and got everything set up. I asked for one more dose of pain medicine before we started pushing, because the feeling was starting to come back. I was scared that this delivery was going to end up like Aiden's, and the epidural would wear off completely.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity for Dr. Lawhon to come in. Once he finally got there, we still had to wait a few more minutes before the anesthesiologist came in with the medicine. The whole time we waited, we all sat in complete silence.  There was nothing to say, nothing to do. We all knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing that was going to change it.

I kept praying in those silent moments for God to give me strength. I was completely terrified, devastated, and broken. I didn't want to do this, and I didn't think I could. I wanted to take the easy way out.  I kept thinking that a c-section would be so much easier. They could just put me to sleep, and I wouldn't have to worry about any of it. I am so thankful that they did not do that, and that I was able to deliver naturally. 

Once the anesthesiologist came in and re-dosed the medicine, Dr. Lawhon said we would wait a few minutes for the medicine to kick in. I was so ready for it all to be done, but was not ready for it to happen. After another 10 minutes that felt like eternity, we got everything and everyone into position. Chase was on my right, and my mom on my left. The Dr. said hopefully it will only take a few pushes, but explained that I would have to push. After the first push, I broke. I told them I couldn't do it, the truth is I could do it. I knew I could do it, but I did not want to. I did not want to do this. I did not want to be there. I was not ready for it to be over. I wasn't ready to come face to face with reality. Chase and my mom reassured me that I could do it. And with one more push, she was born.

July 4th at 3:50 am, Olivia Grace Hawsey was born sleeping, weighing 1 pound and 4 ounces and she was 14 inches long. She looked just like her big brother, and was absolutely perfect in every way.

Devon had asked prior if we wanted to hold her after she was born, or if we wanted her to go dress her and bring her back, or what we wanted to do. The hospital has a thing called a Cuddle Cot for stillborn babies. It holds the baby and keeps it cool, so that the baby can stay with the parents for longer, if they wanted. We decided that we wanted to hold her after she was born, and then get pictures of her. I felt like if we kept her with us the whole time in a cuddle cot, I would only make the situation worse, and make myself sick.

They handed our baby girl to me. She was so tiny, but so precious. We sat there for a few minutes holding each other, and crying over our baby girl. And then just like that, she was gone...

Because everything happened so early, my placenta was not ready to come out. If we couldn't get it to loosen, I would have to have surgery. So, once again they upped my dosage of Cytotec, and said it would take more time. However, I finally felt some relief, but the brokenness remained.

Before Brittany left on the 3rd, she told us what nurses were on schedule for the 4th, because she was off. She wanted us to pick who we wanted, so that we would be comfortable with who would be with us. We gave her 2 names without hesitation, April and Lisa. Both April and Lisa were there for us during Aiden's delivery. Lisa was our nurse, but April was also with us for the majority of the time. Lisa got put on call, so April came to our rescue at shift change. For a nurse to willingly take on a case like ours, is a big deal. If I was a nurse, I would dread having me as a patient. All of our nurses were absolutely amazing, but April is my angel, she was God sent. She cried with me, prayed with me, took care of me, and had the biggest impact on me. She also has a little boy just a few months younger than Aiden, we had exchanged clothes and advice several times. ;-) So we already knew April, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be anyone else, we could just be ourselves with her. Chase kept joking that if I could just make it to shift change, April would give me whatever I wanted, not that any of the other nurses didn't, but it would be different with her. And he was so right...

When April came in, you could see the heaviness on her face and that she was fighting the tears. To have a nurse who hurts with you and truly cares for you is like a ray of hope. In such a dark situation, we needed that hope. She told me that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently, and that Olivia was just too perfect for this world. (I can still hear and see her saying those exact words.)

April went and dressed Olivia in a precious dress and bonnet, and took a few pictures for us. They also put together a memory box for us that holds everything in it; her gown and bonnet, footprints, pictures, a card from all the nurses, her hospital bracelet, and several other things. Everything was absolutely perfect, and we are so appreciative for such an amazing hospital staff. 

After several checks to see if it was ready, we were able to deliver the placenta later that afternoon. Thankfully, no surgery. We were then moved to postpartum, and away from our favorite nurses... but this meant I could get a shower and walk around. When April got us to the room, she told me to text her if I needed anything or if they weren't giving me something. She then asked if she could pray with me. I don't think anyone in the room avoided tears...

Later that afternoon my mom left so that she could get some rest and a shower. Since everything happened so suddenly, none of us had been able to get showers, grab clothes, or anything. We all basically came to the hospital straight from Aiden's party. None of us were prepared for any of this. Shortly after she left, my dad and sister got there with Aiden, Lilly Kate, and Amelia. We were so glad to see Aiden, but my heart broke even more on the inside. Seeing him with other kids, hurt more than I thought it would. He wouldn't get to meet his sister, or run around and play with her like he did LK. I was looking forward to watching Aiden and Olivia grow up together, and now that dream was crushed.

While they were there, a lady came in for us to sign the birth/death certificate. We weren't really sure what was going on, until she proceeded talking about it. So, we asked that Lauren and AJ take the kids out for a few minutes so that we could fill out all the information. I wasn't sure how it would work, and if would we have to fill out both a birth and death certificate. However, instead of getting both, you get a certificate of birth for a stillborn.

After she left, we let the everyone come back in for a few minutes while AJ went to go get Chase and I supper. And then they left to go catch some fireworks. They are definitely brave to take 3 kids - a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a 3 week old - to watch fireworks. ;-)

They had given us the option to either stay the night again, or be released, since I wasn't having any issues. We decided that we would feel more comfortable staying one more night. I didn't want to end up back in the hospital, like we did after Aiden's birth. After everyone left, and we were done eating, we asked the nurse if she could give me something to help me sleep. She came back with some medicine, and for the first time I actually truly slept since hearing the news.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

Tuesday, July 5th - Leaving empty handed.

When you're in the hospital, you don't really "wake up," its more like you are in and out of sleep, nurses are coming in and out, you are getting medicine every 4 hours, and then there is shift change. That's how it was for most of the morning. We knew that a few things were going to happen on this day... First, Wayne would come and meet the Chaplin to get our baby girl and take her to the funeral home. Second, we would be released to go home. When Wayne got there I couldn't help but to start crying. Even though Olivia wasn't with us, her body was still in the same place we were. When Wayne got there, it hit me that her body was going to be taken away. I wouldn't get another chance to hold her in this life. There was no going back. 

After we got everything situated, and Wayne left, we just sat there. We had to wait several hours to be discharged, because I'm O negative, we had to wait on test results to see if I needed a RHOgam shot. Once we found out that I did indeed need the shot, we had to wait for them to figure out the dosage and how many shots I would need. Dr. Logan called and said that I needed FIVE shots, and I could only receive 2 doses at a time. If you're O- and a woman, you know how a RHOgam shot is... It is not a fun shot to receive. Thankfully, because Dr. Logan is amazing, she said that we could take the shots at home and let Chase's mom give them to me.

Most of the time we spent waiting, we were silent. We didn't want to go home. We didn't want to face the reality of what had happened. We didn't want to face people. While we were at the hospital, we were in a bubble. No one could come and see us without our permission. Everyone who came in, knew what happened and were extremely sensitive to the situation. When we finally got released, we asked if they would just let me walk. I didn't want to have to ride in a wheel chair. If I walked, I felt like that would give me something to think about, and it would allow me to have some sense of dignity. We ended up with the same postpartum nurse that we had with Aiden, so she let me walk. She walked with us to the door, and then we said our goodbyes. I was ok until we got to the doors. When we walked through those double doors, I fell apart. It was like my whole body just stopped and I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, my heart physically hurt, and I felt like I was drowning. I should be leaving the hospital with my baby girl, but we were leaving empty handed.

I cried most of the ride home. We stopped and got lunch, even though I could barely eat anything. I just kept telling Chase that it wasn't fair, and that it sucked. I don't know how many times I've said those words in the past month. I just didn't understand how something like this could happen to people like us, we are in ministry. I felt like God had turned his back on us. He could have saved Olivia. There was a part of me that was mad at Him, but the majority of it was that I was completely broken. I told Chase that I have always told myself that I could never go through a miscarriage or anything like that, because I could not handle it. I have always had the most respect for people who have miscarried or lost children, because I could not imagine their pain. I now know that pain. We talked about how we have never experienced pain with crying, but when you cry over the death of your child, it literally and physically hurts. It is an ache that I wish on no one.

When we got home my, dad was there with Aiden. He and my sister tag teamed keeping Aiden, and cleaning our house. We are so, so grateful for our family and friends! They have been amazing in helping us, keeping Aiden, and going above and beyond for us. Chase unloaded the few things we had in the car, and we both came in for hugs and love from baby Aiden. Shortly after we had been home my mom came over, followed by Chase's parents, and then two of our close friends who brought us a few groceries. Bringing groceries may not seem like a big deal, but when you live in a small town, you are thankful for people who offer to go get what you need.

Everyone stayed and talked for a while, and we went over the final details for the graveside service on Wednesday. My mom was the last one to leave, and she stayed until we were ready for bed. After she left, I laid in my bed and cried. From our room, the room that you see was supposed to be Olivia's. All of the things that we had bought her were in that room. Although, we hadn't bought a ton of stuff yet, I had already had an idea of how I wanted her room decorated and arranged. In that room, was supposed to be where my baby girl slept. Now, it is where all we have "left" of her is. I eventually dosed off...

The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole

Wednesday, July 6th - A day of solitude.

It was such a weird day at our house. The weather was yucky, it was cloudy and rainy for the majority of the day. Even Aiden wasn't quite acting like himself. We woke up that morning with such a heaviness. I couldn't imagine how I was about to get through what we were about to do. The clock seemed to be moving so slowly, and I was just ready to get it all over with. We were dreading having to go to our baby's funeral. I kept thinking to myself, how in the world was I going to hold it together. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be picking out what my one year old is going to wear to his baby sister's funeral. I should still be pregnant, not wearing a dress that I couldn't wear 3 days ago.

We decided that we would arrive at the graveside as close to 2:00 as we could, that way, hopefully, no one would come up to us. We didn't want to talk to anyone. We didn't want to be there. We didn't want to be at our daughter's funeral. Even though we are so thankful for the people who came, and the love that was shown to us, in that moment, we didn't want to face anyone. We didn't know how to process what we were going through. When the clock finally hit 1:45, we decided it was time to leave. The ten minute car ride seemed to take forever, and I couldn't fight back the tears anymore. I cried the whole way there. I told Chase that I'm 24, I have had to go through more things than some 50 year olds have never thought of facing. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this.

When we pulled up, I lost it, again. I didn't want to face people, I didn't think I could. They saved us a parking spot right by the burial spot, so that I wouldn't have to walk far, but I felt like everyone was starring at us. It was a moment of pure vulnerability. Mrs. Carolyn, the funeral director, was so kind and compassionate. She met us at the car with an umbrella, and told me to take my time. We sat there for a few minutes until I was ready to get out. I kept praying for God to give me strength, I needed help to make it through. There was nothing like walking up and seeing that tiny white casket laying in front of me, knowing it was holding my baby girl.

The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins

I honestly don't remember anything that was said at the small service we had. I do, however, remember the faces. I remember the looks, the pity, the expressions that said "I know where you've been," and the ones that said "I'm so thankful I didn't have to go through this." We told our Pastor that we wanted to keep it short, because we knew that there was nothing that really needed to be said. We knew where our baby girl was, and there was nothing that could be said to make it "better." We buried Olivia Grace with her Minnie lovey and our hearts.

A few people made the comment that we were saying our "final goodbye" to her that day. I absolutely HATED that. I wanted to scream so bad that it was not our final goodbye. How can I say goodbye to my baby before I even get to say "hello" or "I love you"? How can I say goodbye when I know I will see her again? How can I say goodbye to someone that I would give my life to bring back? I will not say goodbye, because she lives. She is with us. I see her everywhere, and think about her constantly.

"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life.." John 3:36

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

"For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” Acts 2:39

Although we do not understand why this happened, God knew. He holds the future. We can survive this tragedy, because we believe in a Sovereign God. He is all knowing and all powerful. We lean on the hope that we will see our Olivia Grace again. It will be such a sweet moment to pick up my baby girl and be able to kiss her sweet forehead, like i do her big brother every night. 

"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Everyday is a new and different day...

The day after the funeral, July 7th, was our 3rd Anniversary. Chase decided that we needed to get out of the house, I was not convinced. I knew that staying home wouldn't do me or him any good, and with everything that he had done for me the past few days, I decided that I would give in. We decided to go to Destin for the day. We went shopping, ate, and went to see The Legend of Tarzan (which is an amazing movie). I did much better than I thought I would for the majority of the day. I was scared that I was going to break down or have a panic attack in the middle of a crowd. Thankfully, I only had one moment where I had to leave a store, but for the most part, I held it together except for in the car.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

The first week was extremely hard, especially Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. Grief, especially grief of a child, is hard. The first week all I could think about was what happened. I was so mad and upset. I hated that this happened to me. I didn't want this to be my life. I was supposed to have the "perfect" family. But, when you have other kids (or a one year old), it is especially hard. You can't sit and dwell, you have to be ok. I had to be strong not only for Aiden, but also for Olivia. 

Her life has meaning and purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 still holds truth, even if she is not on this earth. We have talked several times about how we don't want her life to be for nothing, and it isn't. If no body else is changed though all of this, we are. We are different. Our relationship is different, we are different parents, our ministry is different, we see everything differently now. When you face something as awful as death, there are two things you can do... You can run and be bitter or you can allow it to change and mold you. We have discussed several times how we don't understand how people can turn away from God during times like this. The only way that we are surviving and healing, is by pressing into God and each other. 

There are so many scriptures and songs that have opened my eyes and heart. In our studying, there have been two songs that we liked before, but after we found out their meaning and how they were written, we LOVE them now. It's amazing how God lines things up for us. He holds and sees the future. 

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One

Every single need that we have had, has been met above and beyond what we expected. The burial and headstone was covered in full, without anything coming out of our account. We have had several meals brought to us. The love poured out to us has been overwhelming, and we are so grateful. 

On July 20th, I was finally ready to go pick out what we would put at her grave. I hated pulling up to it, and it having nothing on it. No one knew who was buried there, and that bothered me. I wanted everyone to know who she was. We had looked at a few designs online just to get an idea before we went to the company that does the engraving and set up. I was perfectly fine the whole day, but when we walked in, and explained why we were there, I couldn't fight back the tears. Chase had to do all the talking. It was just too much for me. We knew that we wanted a beveled marker, and how we wanted her name and date, but there are so many choices when it come to designs and borders. It was a bit overwhelming. The lady that was there was so kind and helped us pick out exactly what we wanted for our baby girl. We had to stop by the grave on the way home so that we could put out a marker for them. On the way back I couldn't stop the tears. I told Chase that it just wasn't fair and that I was to young to have to worry about what I am going to put on my daughter's grave. We talked about it for a few minutes, and how everything was going to be ok. The company emailed us the design before submitting it, so that we could approve it or tweak it. We decided we wanted to change one small thing, before finalizing it. 

The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles!
You're the God of miracles!

Chase and I were both raised in church, and we both grew up reciting John 3:16... Before all of this, I understand that God sent his only Son to die for our sins, but I couldn't relate to that pain. For us, John 3:16 has a whole new meaning. To come to the realization, that God sent his son to die, even when he didn't have to means so much more now that I have experienced the pain of losing my child. God could have saved His Son, but He didn't so that you and I could go to heaven. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't sacrifice the life of my children for anyone. That is true love. And he did this for you and I... 

I didn't have my phone the majority of the time that we were in the hospital. I didn't want to talk to anyone. However, both Chase and my mom had gotten a few texts, calls, and messages. My mom got one call from a friend of her's mother. Precious Mrs. Faye… she had been through the same thing many years ago. She wanted to call and check on me, and see how we were doing. If you know Mrs. Faye, you know that she is an amazing woman of God. I believe that she will have more crowns than she will know what to do with in Heaven. While on the phone with my mom, she told her that Olivia was met at the gates of heaven by my Nana and Granny and that they would take care of her, of course that made us all cry. While it does give me some comfort, it still hurts. My earthly body is selfish. I want Olivia here with me. I often think about what it is like, and am reminded that even though I would give anything to bring her back, she is better there. She will never have to deal with the pain of death. She will never be sick. She will never experience heartbreak. She gets to live forever in such a glorious place, never having to experience the tragedies of this world. 

"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth." Isaiah 25:8

Today makes one month since we held our baby girl. I wish that I could say that we are better, and that our pain is gone, but it is not. Grief is something that I don't think you ever get over. You learn how to cope. I read an article that described the pain of grief like waves, and it was so true. It said, "in the beginning, it's like the waves of a storm. They are high and crashing in constantly, it seems as if you are going to drown. But slowly, the waves start getting further apart. There may be something that you see or hear that brings back the big waves, but for the most part they are manageable, and you know when to expect them."

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

This journey of grief has just begun for us. I know that there will be more "bad" days. There will be days that if you see me, I may look like a zombie or I may fall apart in front of you. But there is one thing that I know... God is in control. He will give me the strength I need to face tomorrow.  

I have also included a link to the song "Miracles," and an interview about how the song came to be. 

https://youtu.be/IOslAAUcKcc

https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I

I couldn't find a video with just the testimony, so you only have to watch like the first two minutes. The rest of the video teaches you how to play it. ;-)

Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 1

To some this blog may be too much, to some it may bring up reminders of what you went through, and my prayer is that to others, it will be a light of hope. My purpose in this blog is not to bring attention to myself or my situation, because that is the last thing I want, but to bring honor to all the mothers who have had to say good-bye way to soon. There is never ever a good time to say good-bye, but when you have to say good-bye before you even get to say hello, is especially hard. July 2nd-4th, will be days that we never forget. I'm going to start at the very beginning, because I feel that, that is the only way to honor our little girl.

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

Sunday, February 21st - The day we got the Big Fat Positive

I hadn't been feeling very well for a couple of weeks, and Chase kept joking that he thought I was pregnant, of course I quickly argued that there was no way. If you know us, or have read my previous blogs, you know that it took us a while to get pregnant with Aiden. In fact, we weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant on our own, so to even think we could get pregnant when we were preventing it, seemed unrealistic. I had taken a test the week before, but it wasn't very clear, there was a very very faint line. I just assumed the test was defective, because there was no way. When I woke up that morning and realized the date, I decided to test again, and there it was.... All I could do was cry...  I kept thinking about what everyone was going to say, and how they would respond. Here we are with an 8 month old, and now we are pregnant again... They were going to be almost exactly 16 months apart. At the time, it seemed impossible because Aiden was still a baby.

It was a Sunday, of course, if you are in ministry you know how Sundays are... I told Chase just as he was getting ready to leave. He hugged me and reassured me that we could do this, that everything was going to be ok. After a short pep-talk, the last thing Chase says as he is walking out the door is, "Don't call anyone..."  That lasted all of 1 minute. Who does a girl call when she needs advice and encouragement?? I called my big sister in a mess. After talking to her for a few minutes, I felt so much better. She reassured me that even though it seemed impossible right now because Aiden was still in the baby stage, he will grow quickly. She explained that before the baby is born, Aiden would be in a toddler stage - he would be more self-sufficient, off of formula and eating real food, talking, and walking. And she was right...

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

Friday, March 24th - Seeing our sweet baby for the first time.

For a mom, there is nothing like seeing and hearing the heartbeat of the baby inside of you for the first time. When we got to Dr. Logan's office, the staff was so nice and encouraging. I was so nervous about going, because of all the problems we faced during my pregnancy with Aiden and it felt like we just left. When we were able to see our baby moving as much as she was at such an early stage, all of my fears were put to ease. Everything was going to be ok, because this baby, our precious baby had a purpose. After seeing our baby, anytime I would begin to worry about how we were going to have 2 under 2, I would repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself, and the worry would disappear.

I don't want my worry to be mistaken for not wanting this baby, because we so wanted her. We fell in love with her the day we found out that we were expecting her. I was just worried about how we were going to be able to "handle" 2 under 2 with everything that comes with having children - financially, emotionally, physically. For someone who is a planner, it was a lot to think about. It felt like we were finally adjusting to having one child, and now we were going to be adding another.

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

Thursday, April 28th - Public Announcement

Is anything really official before you post it on social media anymore? ;-) Unlike our pregnancy with Aiden, we kept this pregnancy a secret from most people for a while. We, of course, told our parents and a few very close friends shortly after we found out, but no one else knew. We finally decided to tell people because I was starting to show, and we knew we would be finding out if we were having a boy or girl in a few weeks. I think most people were shocked, by their reactions and comments, but it was definitely not the response I feared. Most everyone was excited for us, and automatically said that we would have a girl this time. I wasn't convinced...

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Monday, May 16th - Those first kicks!

I had been feeling a few flutters the week before, but on May 16th I felt the very first, very distinct kick. I was at the exact same gestation as I was when I felt Aiden kick for the first time. These kicks were so different from Aiden's though. Aiden always kicked up and out, this baby kicked nerves. It was the weirdest feeling ever.

As a pregnant mom, you so enjoy the kicks. You look forward to feeling the kicks. Even when the kicks hurt, they make you smile and feel peace. They are how you know our baby is alive and healthy.

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thursday, May 26th - What will IT be??

Up until this point everything in my pregnancy had been perfect. I wasn't sick like I was with Aiden, and it was just different. The only symptom I had was being tired all the time, and with an 11 month old, you don't have time to be tired. Chase and I just knew that we were having another boy. We had even picked out a little boy name, every time we discussed little girl names we felt there was no need. There were only boys in Chase's family, so everyone assumed it would be a boy.

When the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly the baby was curled up, feet crossed, in a ball, facing my back. I honestly thought she wasn't going to be able to get a clear shot to tell us what we were expecting. But the baby moved those tiny feet to give us a clear view... It's a girl! Chase response was, "are you sure?" It was very clear that we were having a girl. It's amazing how you can tell so much from an ultrasound. We were unable to get a really good face shot, although the tech tried so hard our baby girl, was not having it. She just wanted to sleep. Everything was perfect.

She was weighing in at 8 ounces, 4 ounces smaller than Aiden was when we went for our anatomy scan with him. Dr. Logan even mentioned the possibility of being able to VBAC because it didn't seem like she would be quite as big as her big brother. This gave me hope, hope that maybe just maybe I wouldn't be as sick as I was with Aiden. Maybe I would be able to recover quickly and not have to worry about having a C-section with 2 small ones. Maybe everything would be ok, and I could enjoy this delivery.

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

Wednesday, June 1st - Disney Babymoon and Gender Reveal

My 1st Mother's Day present, was a kid-free vacation to Disney, all thanks to my hubby. I was a nervous wreck leaving Aiden behind for 5 days, but it was a much needed vacation. We didn't really realize how much we needed it. We hadn't been anywhere alone since Aiden's birth with a few exceptions, and I mean like 2 or 3. We decided to do our Gender Reveal at Disney, because why not... ;-) It's no secret that we LOVE Disney, so it was perfect timing that we got to do our reveal there. We face timed all our parents the first day we were there, May 30th, and showed them our button. They were all so excited, like I said, we all thought it was going to be another boy. The whole time we were there, we heard tons of congratulations, that's why you get a button. :-)

Everyone else kept asking us, wanting to know when we were going to post the picture. We decided that we wanted to wait until we could take pictures at Magic Kingdom, which was scheduled for Wednesday. We were so excited to finally let everyone know that we were having a baby girl. I think most of our friends and extended family were pretty surprised and excited as well. :-) We were going to have the perfect family.

While at Disney, we had to get souvenirs! Our first trip with Aiden, he got a Mickey lovey. He absolutely loves him lovey. So before we even got there, we knew our baby girl had to have a Minnie lovey. And then I saw the Ariel, and she "had" to have it too. :-)

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Tuesday, June 7th - The halfway mark.

Generally with a pregnancy, once you make it to the 2nd trimester you're considered "safe". I was so excited to be at the halfway point in this pregnancy. The day before I got our first set of bows in the mail and couldn't wait to put them to use, it was my first girl purchase. ;-) I finally allowed myself to really getting excited about having another baby and watching Aiden grow up with a baby sister.  It was time to really start getting ready for this baby.

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Tuesday, June 28th - Aiden's First Birthday

We took the day off, and decided to take Aiden to the zoo and spent all day with him. We had been discussing names off and on, and couldn't make up our mind on what we wanted. We are big on what the name means, and wanted her name to have meaning. We joke, because Aiden's name means, Little Fire, which has proven to be the perfect match for him! He is such a little fire ball, so full of personality. So, we said that this baby's name needed to be something peaceful, because we wouldn't deal with two strong-willed kids. I have always loved the name Olivia, Chase wasn't too sold on it. When I broke down the meaning of it, we decided that was her name. We went back and forth between Olivia Grace and Olivia Mae. We wanted all our kids to have a biblical name or aspect to their name, so Grace seemed like the perfect fit, but we liked the name Mae just as much. So, we put it to a vote! :-p We text our parents, and it was unanimous, Olivia Grace. Olivia means olive tree, which doesn't seem to mean much at first glance. However, when you break it down an olive is a symbol of peace used throughout the bible. Grace means God's favor.  It is the perfect name for our little girl.

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not, So

Friday, July 1st - The day I got a bad feeling.

I was up, running around most of the day trying to prepare for baby Aiden's 1st Birthday party. I was putting all of his party supplies together, and we took everything to my mom's so it would be one less thing to worry about. By this point in my pregnancy, Olivia was on a schedule. I knew that every morning around 9, she started moving like crazy. She also got hiccups about 10-15 minutes after I ate, every single time. It was in the afternoons that she was the busiest, she was constantly moving just like her big brother did. Except today, I had not felt her move all day, and I just had a bad feeling. I kept telling myself that it was because I was moving around and stressing about Aiden's birthday party. I told Chase that night that I hadn't felt her move all day, but we decided it was probably because she had tucked herself comfortably behind my placenta. I had an anterior placenta, meaning my placenta was directly in front. This can make it hard to feel the baby move, and extremely hard for other people to feel her as well. Still, something just didn't feel right.

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Saturday, July 2nd - One of the best, worst days of my life.

That morning, we got up and got ready for Aiden's birthday party. I tried several things to get our baby girl to move, but nothing seemed to be working. On the way to my mom's, Chase asked had I felt her yet. All I could do was shake my head, I didn't want to think about it. I just needed to make it through Aiden's big day. This was his day. We decided that if I didn't feel her move, we would call after the party. I was all over the place, running around like a crazy person... Making sure everything was perfect. I couldn't really enjoy the party because I was so worried. I kept praying for God just to let her move, just to give me some peace of mind. I felt so distant and alone from everyone, even though all our close friends and family were right there with us. After the party and lots of pictures, we went home. On the way, I called Chase's mom, who is a Labor & Delivery nurse, and told her what was going on. She told me one more test to try...

It didn't work. She still wasn't moving. I called the doctor's office, and spoke with the doctor on call. When I told him what was going on, his voice changed and he stated that we needed to come in asap to be put on a monitor. I lost it. I was exhausted, scared, anxious, and just wanted it all to go away. Chase reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We got in the car, and left Aiden with my brother. Thankfully, Hayden had followed us to our house from the party, and was waiting on my dad there.

Chase called our parents and let them know what was going on. He is always so calm, when I'm barely holding it together. When we arrived at the hospital they made Chase go register me. Since it was a Saturday, he had to go to the ER to do that. That left me alone in the room with the nurse. She put the monitor to my belly and said, because I was only 24 weeks, she wasn't sure if we would be able to pick up a heartbeat. After trying for several minutes, she thought she heard one. She left the room and came back with the hand held doppler, but still couldn't find a heartbeat. Chase got back to the room just as another nurse came in, and she tried for several minutes to find it, before telling my nurse to order an ultrasound. We waited a little while with heaviness, heart beating out of my chest, trying not to lose it, anxiousness.

The ultrasound tech came in and said he was going to look at the baby. When he put the wand on I could see that she wasn't moving. He took several scans, and then stopped on her heart. I could tell in that moment that it wasn't beating, but I did not want to believe it. Maybe I was just reading the monitor wrong. The tech's temperament changed, and his hands started shaking. He left the room, and said the doctor would be in to see us. My heart broke and I lost it.

Somehow Chase managed to calm me down, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok. It seemed like time stood still. We waited what seemed like forever, before the doctor finally came in, with 2 nurses... I will never forget his words. "Sometimes we don't understand or know why these things happens, but there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." My heart broke into a million pieces. How could this be happening... He gave us a few minutes and then proceeded to tell us why he became an OB-GYN. When he was younger, he went to an appointment with his Aunt when she was 38 weeks pregnant. She came out crying, and of course he asked why, being a young boy. She told him that she found out that her baby died in her tummy. He said that she went on to have several kids, but that it changed him. He said most of the time his profession is happy, but sometimes this happens and we don't know why. He told us that we may never find out why it happened, but they would check.

There is nothing that prepares you to hear those words or to face the fact that your child has died.

After a few minutes, he explained our next few steps. He explained that I would have to deliver our baby girl, and that it was going to be a painful process that could take days. He asked about our delivery with Aiden, because I didn't dilate at all with him and had to have an c-section, it could take longer, but he wanted to try and avoid another c-section. They left us alone to wait for our parents before they moved us to the end of the hall. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I had finally somewhat composed myself when my mom and Wayne came in. After a few minutes with them I told the nurse we were ready to go to the "other" room.

With several attempts and 3 blown veins, the anesthesiologist got my IV going and they started me on Cytotec and fluids. I didn't realize the time, but our first nurse Brittany stayed a good bit after her shift to make sure we were ok. I'm so thankful for the nurses and staff we had for both of our deliveries. I'm convinced that Cytotec is the devil. Shortly after they gave it to me I started contracting. Because they didn't have to worry about harming the baby, and since she was so small they said I could have anything I wanted. They also said I could get an epidural whenever I wanted. Chase asked the nurse if they could give me something to help me sleep, so she came back with some medicine and put it in my IV.

I was in and out most of the night. Everything was kind of a blur. Time didn't exist to us, everything seemed to stand still. I do remember at some point telling my mom that now I have to figure out a funeral, and how we were going to pay for everything. I didn't know how we were going to do it. We didn't have that kind of money saved up. Every 4 hours I had to take more Cytotec, followed by pain medicine because the contractions would pick back up.

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

Sunday, July 3rd - The wait.

That morning Brittany was back to take care of us. Dr. Logan also came in that morning to see us. I have never met a doctor who cares more about her patients than Dr. Logan. She is amazing, and a lifesaver. She held me, and reassured me that she was going to be running several tests to see if we could find out what caused this. She upped my medicine, and told the nurses to give me whatever I wanted. And they finally let me eat! I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday morning, and felt so weak. Once they gave me the higher dose of Cytotec, my contractions started getting stronger and closer together. It wasn't long after, I asked for the epidural.

It was a long, exhausting, almost eternal day of waiting. There wasn't much change for most of the day. However, later on that day my water finally broke and I was dilating. It wasn't until later that night things really started to progress. And by midnight I had finally made it to four centimeters.

At that point the realization of what was about to happen really sank in, and that the labor process had truly began.

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

This song has been my heart and prayer since I heard it. After my dad shared her Hillary Scott's testimony, and the reason behind her lyrics, I understood why it has had an impact. I have included a link to the song, and testimony below. It comes from a broken and pure heart. 

https://youtu.be/OnziMMweJQY

https://youtu.be/bcfGqqQXWRI

https://youtu.be/Dp4WC_YZAuw

The Dreaded Questions

As I have slowly started going out a little more, I've been dreading the comments and questions that may arise. If you are a person who has experienced loss and grief, you will understand what I'm talking about. Today one of those "dreaded" comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I was holding Aiden when a man asked me how old he was, just trying to make small talk. When I told him the man said,  "It's about time for another one isn't it?" My heart shattered into a million pieces. This man had no clue what my family has experienced in the past few weeks, and he meant no harm in the statement, but I wasn't prepared for it. All I could do was shake my head and say not right now, then turn and walk away with a lump in my throat. It's in these moments that all I can do is ask God for strength; that has been my prayer over and over and over. 

There are so many times that I just feel broken and like a total mess, and the only thing I can get out is "God give me strength." And every time I say that prayer, I feel an overwhelming peace. (I think it's no coincidence that the name that we picked out for our little girl - the very week that she entered into Heaven - is a symbol of peace and grace). 

No matter what we go through, God can and will give us the strength and peace we need to get through it, all we have to do is just ask. There are two verses that I have clung to through this heartache - One was sent to me by someone that I look up to and have the most respect for; the other just happened to be the first verse I read after everything happened. They are my go to verses when feel like I can't go on, and when I need strength. 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬ 

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  - Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭‭

 We all have "mountains" that we have to climb in our lives, whether you are climbing it today or in 5 years. No matter how big or small your mountain is, God will give you the strength to get through. He will bind up your wounds and renew your strength. 

I'm fairly positive that there will be 1,000 more tough questions and comments for us to face, but I know that He will give me the strength I need to face them, even if I am fighting back, or quite possibly burst into, tears.