A Year in the Making

One year ago today I took a test that changed our life. I remember the day so vividly; it feels like yesterday. 

Chase explained the reasons why I should take a test, and I tried to argue my way out of it even being possible. 1) It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Aiden, (at that point we weren't even sure if we would be able to have kids without medical help). 2) Aiden was 7 days shy of being 8 months old, therefore it wasn't possible. If that wasn't enough to convince me other wise... 3) I was on the pill. I didn't want to believe we were even discussing the possibility. We talked and semi-joked about it, and I finally built up the courage to take the test.

Unreserved, unrestrained

Your love is wild

Your love is wild for me

Within a few seconds the result was very clear. We were pregnant, again. In that moment I felt like my heart stopped beating, and I immediately began crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was worried about the comments we would receive because our kids were going to be so close in age.  Aiden was still a baby. While we were discussing the possibility and even taking the test, he was in his mamaRoo - if you don't know what that it is, it's basically a baby swing. He had just started really crawling and eating table food the month before, and while I felt like he was slowly getting more independent, he suddenly seemed so little. I felt guilt. It felt like we were forcing Aiden to grow up too quick. I felt like I wasn't going to really get to enjoy him in the baby and toddler stages. You know, the mom guilt that gets you every single time... I had no idea how I was going to be a mom to two under two, when my oldest baby was still a baby.

It isn't shy, it's unashamed
Your love is proud
To be seen with me

As we began to talk, Chase kept reassuring me that we would be ok and that we would make it work. We wanted our kids to be close in age, we just didn't expect them to be so close in age, but that was going to be ok. We continued to talk about how we would make it work as we finished getting ready for church. The last thing Chase said to me as he was walking out the door for practice not to call or text anyone. That lasted about one minute.

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us

Usually in times of panic, or trouble, or stress, or just to vent, there are two people I immediately call or text. Since it was like 7 a.m., I text one and called the other. Big sisters have a way of always calming you down and protecting you. That's how my sister has always been for me. When i was younger and terrified of bad weather, I would go to her room and ask to sleep with her. If we were at school and there was a tornado warning, she would come and find me in the hallway. If I was on bed rest, but not ready to bring a baby home, she would come and clean my house for me. She would also end up taking me to the hospital, to ultimately deliver my baby because of pre-eclampsia the very same day. If I needed advise on something that was happening with Aiden, I would call or text her. She was always there for me, helping me, caring for me, and protecting me. She is the only other person, besides my parents and extended family, that had known me my whole entire life.

Uncontrolled, uncontained

Your love is a fire

Burning bright for me

When she answered the phone I said the exact same thing I did with every one of our babies... I took a test because I am late, and I'm pregnant. Of course, each time the conversation was a little different. With Aiden, we were both so excited - only a few people knew what was going on behind the scenes and knew that the odds were not in our favor. With Olivia, she told me all the reasons why we would be ok. She explained how much Aiden would grow in 9 months. How it seems impossible right now because he is still a baby, but by then he will be walking and communicating. She calmed me down, and reassured me that all of my fears would work out. And she was right...

It's not just a spark

It's not just a flame

Your love is a light

That all the world will see

All the world will see

By the end of the day, some of the worries were still there, but I felt reassured in our ability to raise two children. We were new parents, but looking at Aiden made us more confident in ourselves.

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us

Looking back, I hate that I felt so guilty in the beginning. Knowing the outcome of this pregnancy, I see so many things I didn't see before.

The worry, the guilt, the fear didn't matter. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about things that I either can't control or should just trust God to work out for my good. I wish I could rewind time and just soak in all of the pregnancy symptoms that so many (including myself) complain about. I wish I could count all the times i felt a kick or the times when my belly would jump because Olivia had the most precious hiccups. I wish I would have taken more pictures instead of being worried about all of the stuff that doesn't even matter anymore. I wish I could go back to when Aiden would cuddle and hold my belly, even though he didn't understand what was going on. I wish I would have recorded Chase's face when the tech said "I think it's a girl" and then again when he needed confirmation that we were for sure 100% pregnant with a girl. I wish I could see her with her big brother now. I wish we didn't have to feel the sting of death, not just once but twice now. There are so many things that I would change if I could just go back, but I can't. I can only change the future.

Your love's not fractured
It's not a troubled mind
It isn't anxious
It's not the restless kind

Without going through all of this, we would not be who we are today. We wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to hold and love others who are hurting and going through the exact same thing we did, and able to be 100% honest with them. We wouldn't have the {overflowing} empathy we have now because we have experienced true grief. We wouldn't be the parents we are today. Our life would look and be completely different than it is today, and for that we are thankful.

 Olivia's life mattered and completely changed us. If it didn't have an impact on anyone else, that would be ok, because through her God has pulled us closer. He is the ultimate healer and redeemer, and He always gets the victory.

Your love's not passive
It's never disengaged
It's always present
It hangs on every word we say

I have learned so much from her life, even though she was here for a very brief 24 weeks. All the worrying and stressing and fear over the future was for nothing.

I would much rather spend my time and thoughts on things that are holy, pure, and satisfying to Christ. It is a battle I face every day, but when we focus on God and His heart, the battle can be won.

Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what's sacred
'Cause its vows are good

From the moment we found out about her, we loved her. Even through the fear and worry, there was never a moment that I didn't want her. Olivia Grace was so loved and so wanted. Her personality was so different from that of her brothers. While she did move quite often, she was so calm and peaceful. Her movements were slow and graceful. When I was pregnant with Aiden he never, ever stopped moving. If you know him, then you know that this is true of him even now. His personality holds true to the meaning of his name. As I have shared before, Olivia Grace is a symbol of peace and God's grace, and that is exactly what she is. She taught us the true meaning of God's peace and grace. She is our perfect sleeping beauty.

Your love's not broken

It's not insecure

Your love's not selfish

Your love is pure

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us 

https://youtu.be/D0-PAMN6_go

It's not you, It's me...

It's really not you, it's me... That is my response for so many things now. The things that I can't handle. The things that automatically send me spiraling into an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago. I've experienced more grief, anxiety, loss, hurt, and pain than some people do in a life time, and I'm not even 25 yet. In a matter of 6 months, I have lost not one, but two children.

I've decided that I have to start cutting certain things out of my life for a while. I can't control others, and it wouldn't be fair too; I also can't live in a bubble, and I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me. However, there are certain things that I can control... Things like how much time I spend on social media, who shows up on my "timeline", who I surround myself with, and how I choose to live my life.

It's so easy for people to say, "Well you can't be like that," or "You just can't allow stuff to bother you," or "You just have to get over it." There are some times that I am ok seeing a pregnant woman, and there are other times where I completely lose it.  There are things that trigger so many emotions and so much pain, that it is almost impossible to imagine.

Today, I open up Facebook like most of us do, and the first thing I see is an ultrasound picture. In that moment, time froze. It felt as if my heart stopped beating and I could not breathe. I instantly lost it. Every bone in my body hurt. The last ultrasound I had, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. Every single memory of my last two pregnancies flooded my mind. It's crippling and uncontrollable.

Those are things that you can't just "get over". You don't get over death. You have to learn to live with it and learn how to cope with it. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. That doesn't mean that the pain will go away. That doesn't mean that you are "ok" by the world's standard all the time. It means that sometimes you are emotional, sometimes you cry in public, sometimes you lash out because you are hurting, sometimes you want to be all alone. It means that you may lose friends or have to cut off certain relationships because they just don't get it. Your life is FOREVER changed. While the world around you moves on and forgets, you feel stuck in time.

I saw this quote, and it has stuck with me. You have no idea how many times I've heard "well at least you still have Aiden" or "at least it wasn't Aiden" or "at least you weren't as far along as you were with Olivia." None of this matters. It doesn't matter if you lost your child at 3 weeks, 40 weeks, 2 years, 25 years. That child is still your baby. That child matters. That child is instantly a piece of your heart and soul, the moment you find out they exist.

I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why we are going through this. I don't understand why anyone has to go through the loss of a child. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was reading and studying the bible, when something in a devotional spoke to me. It said while we don't understand why now, one day everything will make sense. The moment that we enter Heaven, all of the puzzle pieces will come together, and we will see the big picture. I can not wait for that day, for sooooooo many reasons.

This has been one of the scriptures that has spoken to me recently. I have quoted it, prayed it, read it, and truly believe it. I believe that God will keep his promise for us. He will give us the desires of our heart. He loves us and cares for us. He is with us every step of the way. It is by His sovereign strength and grace that we are able to get through this.

To those of you who remember our angel babies and have been there for us, thank you. We truly have felt so much love from people who genuinely care for us. Recently one of our best friends had bought a gift for the baby before everything happened, when 'they' gave it to me 'they' said, "This is for OUR angel baby." I had about 5,000 emotions in that moment, but it truly meant the world to me. I wanted to break down crying right there. This baby wasn't just loved and recognized by Chase and I, and it meant so much more than you can imagine. When parents go through loss, one of the best ways you can comfort them is by remembering. Acknowledging their babies that are in heaven. Showing that you care. Being there for them.

One of my biggest desires for my blog is that people will become more aware of not only the process of loss and grief, but the life after. That others will be more kind, compassionate, and loving when they encounter someone who has experienced true grief. Society says it's a taboo subject, and that people shouldn't talk about it. Women are expected just to "get over it" and move on. No one talks about how much your life is changed after loss. It's a journey that you have to take one step at a time, because you never know when a wave will come and knock you off your feet.

For those wondering, we are still waiting on our Anora test results to come back, they should be in by next week at the latest. I'm fairly positive there will be a blog following the results!

I have shared this song before, but it has been on my heart and mind all day. It's my anthem, my heart, my prayer. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKfnF8qmibw&spfreload=10

You Don't Miss a Thing...

We don't know why things happen, but we trust God has a purpose and plan for our lives. I posted a blog a few days ago, sharing some of the promises that God has given us, not knowing what the next day would hold.

 On January 5th, we had our first appointment with the high risk doctor that would be taking our "case." The appointment started with going over our medical history, followed by an ultrasound. As the nurse began to perform the ultrasound, I knew something was not right. After three pregnancies, you know exactly what to look for. The nurse's facial expression changed, as she fought to hide back tears before saying she was going to get the doctor.

When the doctor came in, he began to perform an ultrasound. He moved around a little before turning on the heart rate monitor. We knew that there was no heart beat before he did anything. He didn't have to say anything, we already knew what he was going to say.

The doctor gave us a few minutes before going over the details. Because of how far along we were and the fact that I was on blood thinners, we had to go through basically the same process that we did with Olivia, it just wouldn't be to the same extent. He wanted me to wait until the next morning for us to come in and be induced, so that the Lovenox could have time to get out of my system. He went over some of the details of my history and talked us through what was going to happen next. They gave us instructions on checking in to the hospital, and were very comforting during everything. We left, once again, broken-hearted.

The call came at 7:00 AM Friday morning that our room was ready. Thankfully, we had family who already had plans to be here this weekend, so they took Aiden with them while we went to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 10, and finally started the induction process around 3 pm. At 6:10am on January 7, 2017, at 13 weeks, our 3rd baby was born. Because it was so early in the pregnancy, we were not able to determine if the baby was a boy or a girl, but thanks to testing, we will know in 1-2 weeks. They took a lot of blood samples and will be doing further testing on the blood and placenta to see if we can determine a reason as to why this happened medically.

During this process we have felt so much love and true empathy. People have not only said they love us and are hurting with us, but actually shown that they truly do care and are hurting. We are so thankful for the calls, texts, prayers, and love shown to us. We have felt strangely at peace throughout this whole process, and I truly believe it is because of all the people interceding on our behalf.

We know that this baby is with our precious Olivia Grace, in the arms of Jesus. While it hurts and is so painful, we know that God has got us. He has not left us, or forsaken us. He will give us the strength to get through this. He has given us a hope and a future. The promises that he has given to us in the past year still hold true, even when we do not see how. He will heal our broken hearts, and make us whole again.

Losing a child is never easy, no matter how long you carried the child, it hurts the same every time. During all of this, I've felt like we've had two options: 1) To dwell on the fact that life sucks, and begin to question God and allow anger to set in for God "allowing" this to happen not once, but twice; or 2) To turn to God and allow Him to comfort and hold us, and allow Him to pick up the pieces. I believe that God is a sovereign God, and that he is going to turn all of this around for His glory. Even though it does suck, and we are hurt and broken; He is going to pick up the pieces and turn it into something beautiful.

While we were meeting with the doctor, we spoke a little bit on the future, and what that will look like for our family. He believes that there may be something more going on in my body, and wants to do further testing, when we are ready. We are believing that we will get answers and closure.

We know that there will be a day where we will get to hold all of our babies... and on that day, we will never have to say goodbye. We have a hope for a future.

https://youtu.be/Rzn2inZ3URE

Six Months

    I haven't blogged in a while, because I just haven't felt like it, if I'm being completely honest... The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've faced. I literally didn't want to do anything.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do

    Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to.  It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like "I'm so glad everyone is together" or "everyone is accounted for." I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.

I will love You Lord my rock 

Forever, all my days, I will love You God

I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns forever all my days

Hallelujah

    Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...

You're faithful all my days

When I forget I just see the rain

Cause I see you in the rain

Giving life to every little living thing

There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.

I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.

 I see you in the rain

Giving life and breath to every living thing

Causing dead things to rise again...

It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.

   On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.

 I called Chase and asked if he could come home, trying not to tell him over the phone, he immediately responded with, "your pregnant". After taking another test for reassurance, we begin talking about what had to happen now. Chase sent me a scripture that I have read over and over since that day.

Slow down, take time

Breath in, he said

He'd reveal what's to come

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors."  Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)

The thoughts in his mind

Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.

Take courage, my heart

Stay steadfast, my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting

A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.

I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗

There are days where I am overcome by fear and worry, that something may happen to this baby, and in those moments God always sends me a reminder, that He has us.

Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing

There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow.

From beginning to End, it was all there. It was so big I couldn't get a picture of it, and I was driving. I knew, in that moment, not only did God hear my prayers and desires, He was showing me this Rainbow baby is going to be complete and whole. He is our hope and strength. He will get us through this pregnancy safely.

Sing praise, my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on

Do not forget his great faithfulness
He'll finish all he's begun

There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.

And you who hold the stars

Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me 
That I will rise in your victory

There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)

https://youtu.be/RKfnF8qmibw

https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ

October 25, 2016 - Our Due Date

To some they may not understand why today was such a big deal to us, or families like us who have experienced the pain of losing a child. I couldn't wait to find out our exact due date when we found out we were pregnant. I wanted to know when I could expect this baby to be here. October 25 was supposed to be the very last day for Olivia to come, if we made it that far. It was the day that we knew we would either already have our baby girl here, or would be having her that day. It was the finish line that we were so excited to reach.

Aiden with the Princess Minnie we got in honor of Olivia Grace. 

Today was a hard day. It's the day she was supposed to be here. It was a day that brought back all of the pain and emotions that were felt on July 2nd, when we heard the news that Olivia no longer had a heartbeat. This day was supposed to be a day of joy for our family. It may not seem like a "big deal" to others, but to us it was.

Riding Prince Charming Regal Carrousel

We woke up to texts and messages from people who were just letting us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us, which meant more than you will ever know to us. One even reassuring me that I could do this, and make it through today, and of course she was right! I don't think we've ever felt as loved as we do now.

We decided that we would spend the day at the most magical place on earth, Disney. :-) We thought this was the best way to honor our precious Olivia Grace. Although it was a hard day, we had a great day. The weather was absolutely perfect, the crowds were low, and we got to spend uninterrupted time together. There were a few moments that I choked up or had to fight back the tears, but over all it was good.

We had a few fast passes for Character meet and greets, and rode a few rides. I was a little upset to see that Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for the non-Disney people) was not meeting with Cinderella. I had this plan in my head, and had hoped that she would be the visiting princess, but she was not. We decided to skip, as it was Elena of Avalor, and just took a picture with Cinderella.

We also took Aiden to his very first Character dining experience. My dad was able to get us a reservation at Crystal Palace. As you can see from the pictures, Aiden wasn't too impressed with the characters. ;-) He loved them from far away, but when they got close, he wanted nothing to do with them. The food was absolutely AMAZING though. It was so good.

My dad also had sent a surprise for us that was at our table waiting. We got a few questions as to why we had all of it our table, and one "congratulations." I think people were just confused because we came in with a boy, and had all of this pink princess stuff, and of course they didn't know why we were there.

Mickey Rice Crispy Treats, my favorite, and Goofy Taffy

The balloon that was attached to our treats. 

Loved all the details

Baby boy surrounded by pink! 

There was one cast member who gave us fast passes to see Tinker Belle, because we had to wait on Snow White, so shared with her a little bit of our story.

This verse was sent to me on Monday, and I have repeated over and over again since then.

I woke up feeling more at peace about today through everything that has happened. I know that God is in control, and that He loves me. It's just so hard to understand why this happened. Nevertheless, through it all, we will praise Him. We will turn our sorrow and pain into a light for Him. He will have the final say, and we know He holds the victory.

I love that my tattoo is showing in the middle of this picture!

Olivia was with us today, just like she is everyday. We can't wait for the day we are reunited with our baby girl in eternity. Until that day comes, we will honor and remember her in every way we can.

Grace is Enough

As we get closer to Tuesday, our due date; the more emotional, anxious, and upset I get. I am struggling big time, and I've been trying so hard to hold it in. This weekend has been so hard, yet exactly what I needed. 

You stood outside my grave

With tears still on Your face

On Friday, we had a girls worship night out. We went to see Bethel Music, and it was amazing. The Spirit of God was definitely in that arena. It felt as though everything the band said, as they were ministering, was exactly what I needed to hear. In fact there was one part of the concert, if you can even call it that, that Amanda Cook was singing spontaneously from her heart and she sang "I'm on a cliff about to fall." She then proceeded to talk about how we needed to let go and fall into the arms of Jesus, that He will be there to catch us. These were the EXACT words I sent to Jen a day before. I had been texting Jen and was telling her how I have felt this week. We talked about how I felt like I've been on this cliff, and am literally on the edge about to fall. 

I heard You say my name 

My night was turned to day

I realized in that that has been my problem all along; not being able to let go and fall. Being true to myself and my feelings. I've been afraid to be completely honest with myself, and to let myself fall into God's arms. In that moment it clicked that I have to let go, as hard as it, I have to let God have his way.

As they continued ministering, they began to talk about how it's time to let God move, and awaken the part of you that died. We have to let him perform His miracle. Then, they went into this song: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRG5U-RaVdI 

Of course by this point, I am a complete wreck (in a good way). When we heard the words that Olivia had no heart beat and that she had passed, there was a part of me that died as well. My hope, my dream, my future was suddenly gone. I have been scared and afraid to face that death. I've tried my very best to hide my feelings, my hurt, my emotions, and my pain. I've been telling myself that I have to be ok, I have to be strong. My reasoning behind this was: 1) I'm a pastor's wife, I felt like I have this standard to uphold, and that by "losing it" I am failing; 2) I felt like people were looking to me to be strong and be ok. These are lies and unrealistic standards that I've put on myself. 

You came, I knew that You would come

You sang, My heart it woke up

I put this pressure on myself for no reason. I kept telling myself if I push it to the back, I can control it. And I can't.... I can't control or contain my emotions. It's only made it worse, and in the process, hurt me more.

I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive

You came, I knew that You would come

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

You said death's only sleeping

With one word my heart was beating

I have quoted this verse so many times, but I never knew it's true meaning until now. This version, The Message, brings so much power and understand to this verse:

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, 

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. 

I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

This got me... I definitely wouldn't call what we've been through a gift. I have prayed and cried out to God to not let it be true. In fact, while we were getting ready to deliver Olivia, I kept begging that God would somehow make her heart start beating again. I just wanted all of this pain and hurt to be gone. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to face it. But, the very next line gives me hope. 

"My grace is enough; it's all you need."

It's only by God's grace and power that I am still standing right now. We feel as though we've literally been through hell. We have experienced the effects of death in a way that most people will never experience. We have walked through the lowest of lows in the past two and a half months. And I have been so scared to face that truth.

I rose up from my grave

My fear was turned to faith

I have put up this facade. I told myself that I am okay and that I am strong, when I am not. I am a wreck, and barely holding it together. It wasn't until this weekend that I understood what I have been doing. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

Fast forward to today, Sunday. As we began to worship, I couldn't stop the tears. Partially because Chase sang songs about grace, which is Olivia's middle name. It's {not so} ironic that the middle name that we picked for her, is the very thing I need the most. At the end we always have a time to respond and elders who are available for prayer. I knew that I needed prayer. I am at my weakest right now, and feel as though I'm barely hanging on. I didn't have to say to much, Mrs. Patsy knew exactly what I needed. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

As she began to pray over me, she prayed that I would be released from myself. There are so many things that she said, that I needed to hear. I explained to her that I have been holding on and trying to be strong, because I feel like I have to be. She then said something that I've been told many times, by many people, but it's so hard for me to grasp. She said that I do not have to be strong. I'm not expected to be ok. God can not move until I am real and honest with myself. Until I let go. 

You turn my fear into faith 

You raise me up from the grace

Something clicked this weekend, and I realize now that it is ok to be broken. It's ok for people to see my weakness. In my weakness, God can and will show up. He will use the weakness, just as much, if not more than He can use the strength. 

You came, I knew that You would come

I am so beyond thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives. We don't have to pretend to be something that we are not. We can be us, and know that they genuinely do care about us. 

Tuesday will still be a hard day for us, but I feel more at peace about it. I know that His grace and strength will get me through. 

A Rainbow Promise

When my sister sent me this picture this afternoon while she was visiting Olivia's grave, I just glanced at it and thought it was a sweet reminder. I didn't spend too much time thinking about it because:

1) As we get closer to the 25th (our due date) I am getting more emotional and upset.
2) I already had one break down today after ordering flowers for the grave.
3) I was somewhat busy, getting ready to attend a class.

But as I got in the car to leave the class I felt a small tug on my heart telling me to look at this picture one more time.

You can barely see it, but it's a rainbow. In the bible, the rainbow is a sign of God's covenant, his promise, and also a description of His Glory.

"I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth. And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."                                                            Genesis 9:11-15

I have been struggling with so much anxiety, fear, uncertainty, hurt, and pain not only from losing a child, but also over our future. The future of our family. What does it look like? How do we move on in life knowing our baby girl won't physically be here. What happens when we are ready to continue growing our family? Will we be able to have the big family we desired? What if we lose another child? The questions, the worry, the uncertainty goes on and on.

For us, losing Olivia was the flood. On July 2nd, the waters came crashing in, and our lives changed forever. I've said it in so many of my previous blogs and posts, but it is like life has started completely over for us. When Noah stepped off of the ark, the world as he knew it was gone.  Everything that wasn't on the ark was destroyed by the waters. Everything that he knew was gone. It was as if he had to start life over. I read the best description in another blog, that I reposted on FB a few days ago... We live in a B.D. (Before Death) and A.D. (After Death) life. There is a very distinct difference between the two.  For us, the world around us is the same, but we are different. Our view of the world is different. Our future hopes and dreams are different.

But, we have hope. We have the reminder of the promise God has made to us, to never flood "the earth" again. When I went back to the picture I knew that this was God's promise to us. He will never flood our life again. Will we go through trials and more heartache? Yes, that is a part of life and God's way of refining us and making us more like him. But, I know that He's got us in the palm of His hand. He is holding us. He is guiding our path. He will never let the flood waters becoming so overwhelming that we drown.

"Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all around it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord."                 Ezekiel 1:28


When it's dark and gloomy on a rainy day, there is nothing that cheers you up faster than a rainbow. It gives us hope that the sun is coming out. The rain is over, the storm has passed. Sometimes more rain comes behind the rainbow, sometimes it's days or weeks before another storm hits. But, you can always look forward to seeing that rainbow at the end. For us, this "storm" may be never ending, but there are breaks and glimpses of The Ultimate Rainbow. We feel God's presence all around us. He is constantly moving in our lives. Paving the way for us. Putting the right people in our lives. Comforting us when we need it. And always loving us. His light is shining ever so brightly in this storm that we face. He is there every step of the way. He is there. He knows and sees my hurt. And today, I felt like He was giving me a reminder of our promise of a future. He will be there guiding our every step.

You may have heard the term "Rainbow Baby." This is a baby that is born after loss. I feel more confident now, that one day, in God's perfect timing, we will have a rainbow baby of our own that is hand picked by our precious Olivia Grace.