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A Broken Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you  have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. 


"But you, Oh  Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high."  Psalms 3:3 GW
I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to exp…
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A Rainbow of Hope

When we decided to "announce" that we were pregnant again, there were so many mixed emotions. When you become pregnant after loss, you face so many fears, emotions, and anxieties that are almost non-existent if you've never faced this kind of loss. There have been days griped by fear and anxiety where I feel as if I am drowning. This pregnancy has increased my faith and trust in God even further than before. Pregnancy after loss is so scary. There are decisions that I have to make every day. Whether I am going to let the fear of every little pain, cramp, or the future have control of my day. Am I going to give this baby to God and let him have all of the control. All are daily decisions that must be made. There are days that I fail and the worry overtakes me, but there are also good days. Throughout all of this, there has been one scripture that I have turned to and read continuously.


"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. And she vowed …

Our Angel, Taylor

I'm sure some of you who know me and have been following, have been waiting on this blog.

Here as we wait
Seek Your face
Come and make Your throne upon our praise
On Memorial Day, we just happened to be in Greenville, FL, which is about half way between our home now, and where we grew up. We we had just left my Great Uncle's funeral when I got a text asking what was going on with Taylor (my best friend from school). I had no idea what this person was talking about, which immediately made me worry. You see, when I moved to Elba, AL in second grade, Taylor was one of the very first people I met. We immediately clicked and have been almost in-seperable since. She was "my person". She knew EVERYTHING about me. There was nothing that we didn't know about each other. So when I hadn't heard from her, but someone was asking about her, that meant they literally meant something was wrong with Taylor. Not her parents, not her husband, but her. As I'm trying to process …

Our Sleeping Beauties... Part 3

13 weeks. It may not seem like a long time, but for someone who is counting down the days until their baby is "safe," it feels like a lifetime. The chances of a miscarriage are higher in the earlier weeks of pregnancy. After 8 weeks, usually when a heart beat can be picked up on an ultrasound, the chance of a miscarriage is only 3%. Each week that passes, the risk gets lower and lower. We thought we had made it past the first step when we entered the ultrasound room on January 5th. Instead, we found our hearts once again broken and in pieces. We just did not understand.
We did everything we could to keep this baby safe. We went through 53 shots, several vials of blood, and countless bruises to prevent another loss. So why did this happen again? After almost 3 months, we finally got our answer. 

Aila Elizabeth Hawsey was born on January 7th, 2017. This world was just too much for her precious little body. She had a form of Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, but because of her specifi…

A Year in the Making

One year ago today I took a test that changed our life. I remember the day so vividly; it feels like yesterday.  Chase explained the reasons why I should take a test, and I tried to argue my way out of it even being possible. 1) It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Aiden, (at that point we weren't even sure if we would be able to have kids without medical help). 2) Aiden was 7 days shy of being 8 months old, therefore it wasn't possible. If that wasn't enough to convince me other wise... 3) I was on the pill. I didn't want to believe we were even discussing the possibility. We talked and semi-joked about it, and I finally built up the courage to take the test.

Unreserved, unrestrained Your love is wild Your love is wild for me

Within a few seconds the result was very clear. We were pregnant, again. In that moment I felt like my heart stopped beating, and I immediately began crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was worried about the comments we w…

It's not you, It's me...

It's really not you, it's me... That is my response for so many things now. The things that I can't handle. The things that automatically send me spiraling into an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago. I've experienced more grief, anxiety, loss, hurt, and pain than some people do in a life time, and I'm not even 25 yet. In a matter of 6 months, I have lost not one, but two children.


I've decided that I have to start cutting certain things out of my life for a while. I can't control others, and it wouldn't be fair too; I also can't live in a bubble, and I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me. However, there are certain things that I can control... Things like how much time I spend on social media, who shows up on my "timeline", who I surround myself with, and how I choose to live my life.

It's so easy for people to say, "Well you can't be like that," or…

You Don't Miss a Thing...

We don't know why things happen, but we trust God has a purpose and plan for our lives. I posted a blog a few days ago, sharing some of the promises that God has given us, not knowing what the next day would hold.


 On January 5th, we had our first appointment with the high risk doctor that would be taking our "case." The appointment started with going over our medical history, followed by an ultrasound. As the nurse began to perform the ultrasound, I knew something was not right. After three pregnancies, you know exactly what to look for. The nurse's facial expression changed, as she fought to hide back tears before saying she was going to get the doctor.

When the doctor came in, he began to perform an ultrasound. He moved around a little before turning on the heart rate monitor. We knew that there was no heart beat before he did anything. He didn't have to say anything, we already knew what he was going to say.


The doctor gave us a few minutes before going over …