13 weeks. It may not seem like a long time, but for someone who is counting down the days until their baby is "safe," it feels like a lifetime. The chances of a miscarriage are higher in the earlier weeks of pregnancy. After 8 weeks, usually when a heart beat can be picked up on an ultrasound, the chance of a miscarriage is only 3%. Each week that passes, the risk gets lower and lower. We thought we had made it past the first step when we entered the ultrasound room on January 5th. Instead, we found our hearts once again broken and in pieces. We just did not understand.
We did everything we could to keep this baby safe. We went through 53 shots, several vials of blood, and countless bruises to prevent another loss. So why did this happen again? After almost 3 months, we finally got our answer.
Aila Elizabeth Hawsey was born on January 7th, 2017. This world was just too much for her precious little body. She had a form of Trisomy 21, Down Syndrome, but because of her specific genetic anomaly, it was not survivable. On Aila's DNA, the extra chromosome was not carried over completely, causing her body to stop developing. If the chromosome would have been carried over completely and had been "across the board" on the 21st chromosome, she could have possibly survived. However, in a Down Syndrome pregnancy, only 50% make it to the 2nd trimester. Only 50% of those who make it that far will actually make it to full-term. Out of 10 women carrying Down Syndrome babies, only 3 would make it to delivery. This statistic is absolutely heart-breaking to me. After speaking with the genetic counselor for a few minutes she assured us that the chances of this reoccurring in a future pregnancy are 1%. Our chances are not any more increased than someone who has had no losses. The two pregnancies were completely and totally unrelated, and there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. Through all of it we finally feel at peace and have closure.
|9 week ultrasound and heart beat.|
Some people have questioned why I would go through the process of giving this baby a name or why I would do that to myself. But I couldn't go on without giving her a name and an identity. She is just as much a part of our family as Aiden and Olivia. We want to be able to call all of our babies by their names, and we want Aiden to know that he has two little sisters in heaven waiting to be reunited with all of us. We wanted a name that held meaning true to who she was to us.
Aila (Ay-lah) means "bringer of light"; in the Scottish form in means "from the strong place."
Elizabeth means "oath of God" or "God is abundance."
From the moment we found out about her, she brought us light. Though she was only here a little while, she was and is a constant reminder of God's promise to us. We know that God is an abundant God and that He will give us the desires of our heart. He is a good Father, even when we don't understand the storms of life, He sends little reminders that He is with us. We know that God holds the future and that future is abundant in the promises He has made us.
I have never viewed Jesus and what He did on the cross, what God did in that moment, and the resurrection like I do now. Everything we have been through in the past 9 months has completely changed everything about me. A few weeks ago, we did a sermon series titled Don't Waste Your Life. One of the messages was titled Don't Waist Your Pain. The past few weeks have been extremely hard me, emotionally, physically, mentally.... It's just been exhausting. They have been full of highs and lows. Nevertheless, I keep coming back to this scripture. I feel like I have failed miserable at bringing glory to God. I have let my pain take over and consume me.
1 Corinthians 10:31 AMP
Our world has been turned completely upside down, we have lost two children in 6 short months. Because of that pain we think differently, we see things differently, we take things differently, I over analyze everything, I worry about everything, and we feel the sting of death. We have faced devastation. I wish none of us ever had to experience pain, I know and now see how it molds and shapes us into who we are. Chase and I have talked about how much God has moved in our pain; and without this loss, we wouldn't be where we are today.
Pain makes us vulnerable, humble, and in need. It brings us to our knees and pulls us in to our loving Savior's arms. It is in this pain we find God's healing and victory. We feel and see the need of a Savior. This pain that we feel is temporary. One day we will be reunited with our precious baby girls, and all of this pain will be worth it.
2 Corinthians 2:16-19, 24-25 AMP
My prayer has always been that through Olivia and Aila's life, that God would be glorified. Through the pain, in the ugly rawness, in the vulnerability, and more so in the grief, He is the only one that matters.
|Olivia Grace and Aila Elizabeth|