Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Year in the Making

One year ago today I took a test that changed our life. I remember the day so vividly; it feels like yesterday. 
Chase explained the reasons why I should take a test, and I tried to argue my way out of it even being possible. 1) It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Aiden, (at that point we weren't even sure if we would be able to have kids without medical help). 2) Aiden was 7 days shy of being 8 months old, therefore it wasn't possible. If that wasn't enough to convince me other wise... 3) I was on the pill. I didn't want to believe we were even discussing the possibility. We talked and semi-joked about it, and I finally built up the courage to take the test.


Unreserved, unrestrained
Your love is wild
Your love is wild for me


Within a few seconds the result was very clear. We were pregnant, again. In that moment I felt like my heart stopped beating, and I immediately began crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I was worried about the comments we would receive because our kids were going to be so close in age.  Aiden was still a baby. While we were discussing the possibility and even taking the test, he was in his mamaRoo - if you don't know what that it is, it's basically a baby swing. He had just started really crawling and eating table food the month before, and while I felt like he was slowly getting more independent, he suddenly seemed so little. I felt guilt. It felt like we were forcing Aiden to grow up too quick. I felt like I wasn't going to really get to enjoy him in the baby and toddler stages. You know, the mom guilt that gets you every single time... I had no idea how I was going to be a mom to two under two, when my oldest baby was still a baby.

It isn't shy, it's unashamed
Your love is proud
To be seen with me

As we began to talk, Chase kept reassuring me that we would be ok and that we would make it work. We wanted our kids to be close in age, we just didn't expect them to be so close in age, but that was going to be ok. We continued to talk about how we would make it work as we finished getting ready for church. The last thing Chase said to me as he was walking out the door for practice not to call or text anyone. That lasted about one minute.


You don't give Your heart in pieces
You don't hide Yourself to tease us


Usually in times of panic, or trouble, or stress, or just to vent, there are two people I immediately call or text. Since it was like 7 a.m., I text one and called the other. Big sisters have a way of always calming you down and protecting you. That's how my sister has always been for me. When i was younger and terrified of bad weather, I would go to her room and ask to sleep with her. If we were at school and there was a tornado warning, she would come and find me in the hallway. If I was on bed rest, but not ready to bring a baby home, she would come and clean my house for me. She would also end up taking me to the hospital, to ultimately deliver my baby because of pre-eclampsia the very same day. If I needed advise on something that was happening with Aiden, I would call or text her. She was always there for me, helping me, caring for me, and protecting me. She is the only other person, besides my parents and extended family, that had known me my whole entire life.


Uncontrolled, uncontained
Your love is a fire
Burning bright for me


When she answered the phone I said the exact same thing I did with every one of our babies... I took a test because I am late, and I'm pregnant. Of course, each time the conversation was a little different. With Aiden, we were both so excited - only a few people knew what was going on behind the scenes and knew that the odds were not in our favor. With Olivia, she told me all the reasons why we would be ok. She explained how much Aiden would grow in 9 months. How it seems impossible right now because he is still a baby, but by then he will be walking and communicating. She calmed me down, and reassured me that all of my fears would work out. And she was right...


It's not just a spark
It's not just a flame
Your love is a light
That all the world will see
All the world will see


By the end of the day, some of the worries were still there, but I felt reassured in our ability to raise two children. We were new parents, but looking at Aiden made us more confident in ourselves.

You don't give Your heart in pieces

You don't hide Yourself to tease us

Looking back, I hate that I felt so guilty in the beginning. Knowing the outcome of this pregnancy, I see so many things I didn't see before.
The worry, the guilt, the fear didn't matter. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about things that I either can't control or should just trust God to work out for my good. I wish I could rewind time and just soak in all of the pregnancy symptoms that so many (including myself) complain about. I wish I could count all the times i felt a kick or the times when my belly would jump because Olivia had the most precious hiccups. I wish I would have taken more pictures instead of being worried about all of the stuff that doesn't even matter anymore. I wish I could go back to when Aiden would cuddle and hold my belly, even though he didn't understand what was going on. I wish I would have recorded Chase's face when the tech said "I think it's a girl" and then again when he needed confirmation that we were for sure 100% pregnant with a girl. I wish I could see her with her big brother now. I wish we didn't have to feel the sting of death, not just once but twice now. There are so many things that I would change if I could just go back, but I can't. I can only change the future.

Your love's not fractured
It's not a troubled mind
It isn't anxious
It's not the restless kind

Without going through all of this, we would not be who we are today. We wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to hold and love others who are hurting and going through the exact same thing we did, and able to be 100% honest with them. We wouldn't have the {overflowing} empathy we have now because we have experienced true grief. We wouldn't be the parents we are today. Our life would look and be completely different than it is today, and for that we are thankful.
 Olivia's life mattered and completely changed us. If it didn't have an impact on anyone else, that would be ok, because through her God has pulled us closer. He is the ultimate healer and redeemer, and He always gets the victory.

Your love's not passive
It's never disengaged
It's always present
It hangs on every word we say

I have learned so much from her life, even though she was here for a very brief 24 weeks. All the worrying and stressing and fear over the future was for nothing.

I would much rather spend my time and thoughts on things that are holy, pure, and satisfying to Christ. It is a battle I face every day, but when we focus on God and His heart, the battle can be won.

Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what's sacred
'Cause its vows are good

From the moment we found out about her, we loved her. Even through the fear and worry, there was never a moment that I didn't want her. Olivia Grace was so loved and so wanted. Her personality was so different from that of her brothers. While she did move quite often, she was so calm and peaceful. Her movements were slow and graceful. When I was pregnant with Aiden he never, ever stopped moving. If you know him, then you know that this is true of him even now. His personality holds true to the meaning of his name. As I have shared before, Olivia Grace is a symbol of peace and God's grace, and that is exactly what she is. She taught us the true meaning of God's peace and grace. She is our perfect sleeping beauty.


Your love's not broken
It's not insecure
Your love's not selfish
Your love is pure

You don't give Your heart in pieces
You don't hide Yourself to tease us 




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