Hawsey Ever After: January 2014

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Doubt, Doubt, Go Away...

Have you ever felt as if you are the only person in the world who struggles with doubt? We all struggle with doubt at some point in our life. I am currently reading three books, and one devotional. Ironically, all of the chapters and my daily "devo" for the past two days have been on doubt and having confidence in The Lord. Now, some people will call this a coincidence, but for me it is God speaking directly to my heart. There are so many times that I doubt what God is telling me, not because I doubt God, but because I doubt myself. When we allow to doubt to creep in to our lives, God can't use us to his full ability. We are putting a limit on His power and promises. There are several reasons we doubt, this is one of the main ways the enemy get to us.

One reason that we doubt ourselves is sin. The devil will use our past to tell us we are unworthy to be used by Christ or that we just aren't good enough because of what we have done. When Christ Jesus was nailed to the cross, His blood not only paid for the sins we have already committed, but also the sins we will commit. 1 John 2:2 says "He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." Ephesians 1:7 states, "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." God sent his son to die on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. When we become saved we get a clean slate to "start over," our former sins are not held against us.

Another reason we doubt ourselves is self-doubt; the lack of self-confidence. Self-doubt blocks the promises of God's power to change us. It keeps us from believing that things can get better, and convinces us it is not worth the bother to try. According to the dictionary, self doubt is the lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities; a feeling of having no confidence in your abilities or decisions. To many times we go along tossing our confidence in the trash without even thinking about it. James 1:6 says, "But when you ask, you must believe, and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

The last reason we doubt ourselves (that I am going to hit on at least) is uncertainty. Uncertainty is the unknown or questionable. It creates a huge shadow of doubt that follows us. Think of it this way, it's about four P.M. in the middle of July. You walk outside to get something out of your car when you notice your shadow. Your shadow is much bigger than the real you. No matter what you do, your shadow follows you, you can't escape it. The shadow of doubt is the same way. Our doubt is bigger (overpowers) our confidence, the only way to escape it is to face the light. God's design for us is not to be stuck in a cycle or living in the shadow of doubt. There are many times in our walk with Christ that our faith is tested. Most of those times call for some uncertainty. We have two choices when faced with uncertainty, we can either have confidence in Christ or we can begin to allow doubt creep in. Matthew 6:34 states, "Therefore do not worry (doubt) about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Doubt and hope can not coexist in our hearts at the same time. The God of all hope is calling you out of the shadow of your doubts so that you can live with a confident heart!

The first step to living with a confident heart is for us to recognize the power we give to doubt, then stand up to it and claim confidence is ours through Christ. This process can only happen if you are willing to be honest with God and yourself. Lean on a trusted friend or mentor to help keep you accountable in the processes of claiming your confidence. 1 John 5:14-15 says, "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." God desires us to have confidence, all we have to do is ask! God declares with confidence, things can change. In Mark 9:23 Jesus states, "All things are possible for the one who believes." Belief is having confidence that God is able. Beyond believing in Him, God wants us to believe Him! He desires for us to believe Him by relying on the power of His words and promises and living like they are true no matter what our feelings say. We can be confident that if we are praying God's word that we are praying God's will. Believe that He can do what He says He can do.

God applies the same power to our need that He extended when He raised Christ from the dead! (Ephesians 1:18-23) God wields incomparably great power for those who choose to believe Him. Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God works for our good, He will not cause us harm. We can have full confidence in God, that He will never do anything or lead us anywhere that is going to harm us. There will be times we are challenged to have full confidence in God from one season to the next. 2 Corinthians 3:4-5 states, "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." Hebrews 4:15-16 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." We are able to approach the throne of God, not because of we do, but because of what Christ Jesus did! Because of Christ's sacrifice, we have been given the right and the privilege to come before God in complete confidence. Christ understands our weaknesses, he faced all of the same tests that we do, yet he did not sin. If we approach the throne boldly with confidence, it is there that we will receive His mercy and grace. We are not to approach the throne of the Almighty cowering in fear or behind our sins, weaknesses, or mistakes; but in great boldness, with confidence. And we come knowing we will receive His grace and mercy. When we approach the throne in weakness or fear, we are allowing the enemy space in our time with God.

God is calling us to believe Him! He is calling us to put our confidence in Him, to truly rely on and have faith that He is able. Hebrews 10:35 says, "So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward." Matthew 7:20 states "Because of your little faith. For truly I say to you, if you have faith (confidence in God) like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from her to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Faith is having complete confidence or trust in someone. God wants us to have complete faith and confidence in the things that we pray for. Don't be so safe in the things you pray! Declare your needs and wants before the Lord. He longs for someone to be bold, relying on Him in confidence that He will come through.

Without faith it is impossible to please God! Faith is confidence, therefore without complete confidence in Christ it is impossible to please God. The most monumental leap we can take toward our freedom from doubt is the leap to our knees. Begin to cry out and confess your doubt to God. Pray his word, this is one of the most life changing ways we can learn to live in the security of His promises. You will be amazed at the things that begin to take place in your life when you believe God with complete confidence!

Lord God, please help me to be like Abraham who, by faith, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. (Hebrews 11:8) Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before.

Father God, help me to be self-controlled and alert. My enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Help me to resist him, standing firm in the faith. I can be assured that other believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:8)

Oh Lord, according to your wonderful word, this the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5) Help me to see that faith is crucial if I am going to be a victor and an overcomer.

Friday, January 3, 2014

My Battle, My Story

I have been debating doing this for some time now, but kept telling myself no; that I didn't need to, that no one needs to know those details. However, the past couple of days as I have been experiencing some difficulties it has been so heavy on my heart to share my battle. If it just touches or raises the awareness for one person that it is worth it! I will worn you though, this may not be the greatest things you read. I will be talking about stuff that most people will not dare to mention.

It all started in January of 2012, although now I look back and see many signs of its presence before then. I finally decided to go to "that" doctor because I had been experiencing some problems and wasn't sure exactly what was going on. I just wanted answers, but was scared to death. You see for the past several months I had been having a cycle for over half the month and I felt like I was always hurting. When I went in my Dr. could tell I was a nervous wreck and let me just stop now and say I LOVE Dr. Torrence! She of course asked why I waited this long to come and didn't come sooner, but reassured me that we are going to get to the bottom of this. She did the normal testing, then sent me over for blood work. She also recommend that with everything that was going on, I take a low dose birth control pill to help regulate my hormones, but with me being a new patient wanted to make sure I was comfortable with that. I agreed that I would give it a try if it would help, so she prescribed LoEstrin 24 Fe, which is a low dose pill. After the blood work I was scheduled for an appointment two weeks later to get the results and diagnosis. When I left I felt like I was on the right track, although I was slightly disappointed I didn't get a diagnosis and fix right then.

When I went back Dr. Torrence thought at first maybe it was my thyroid causing these problems and wanted to check my iron and hormone levels to be sure, but when the blood work came back, they were both normal. She wasn't quite sure exactly what was causing these problems so I was sent over for an ultrasound of my cervix and uterus. Now, you have to put yourself in my shoes... I had just turned 20; this was only my second time seeing the female doctor; I was still adjusting to being a "grown up" and doing things on my own; I had never had to have an ultrasound before or any further testing; and not to mention my parents were very protective of us so I had no clue what to expect. I felt so alone in that moment and was completely freaking out on the inside, but trying to hold it all together. I still remember telling myself not to cry, not to show my fear, that it would be ok. Little did I know what type of ultrasound this was going to be and what was yet to come. As I sat there waiting and waiting it seemed like the longest time. Finally I was called in and she started. The ultra-sound tech was absolutely wonderful. She talked me through everything and was so gentle with me, as she could tell I was a nervous wreck. Then the unexpected happened... She stopped and said she needed to go get Dr. Torrence that she would be right back. At this point the lump in my throat started to form, and you know what I'm talking about. That painful lump you get when you are trying with all your might not to cry, to simply hold it in. They both came back in and started talking to each other, I didn't know what was going on and was screaming on the inside. Dr. Torrence finally began to explain that there was something blocking my ovary, at first they couldn't see it at all, but once they moved the wand around they finally saw that it, however there was a mass blocking it. She was unsure of exactly what this mass was, and wanted to schedule a CT scan to determine the exact size and to identify it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My head was spinning with ideas of what this mass could be. I got in my car and broke down. All I could do was just sit there and cry. I finally calmed down enough to start making calls. I tried to call my mom, but she was in class, so I left her a voice mail to give me a call as soon as she got done. I then was attempting to call my dad when Chase called me. I explained to him what was going on and he of course made me feel better. He calmed my nerves and reassured me that it would be ok, that everything was going to be fine. When I got off the phone with him I called my dad to explain to him what was going on and that I didn't know when it would be done, but that as soon as I knew I would let him know. Then my mom called me back. For those of you that know my mom know how she is... a mama bird! She wanted to know exactly what was going and wanted to know every detail and possible outcome. Her response was I'll call Mrs. Sabrina (she works at Ladies First and is a family friend) and see if she can tell me anything else. After talking to them I had finally gained my composure enough to drive the long hour drive back from Dothan. My mind still going 90 to nothing.

The next few weeks were so stressful. I am the type of person who has to have answers. I am always asking questions trying to understand everything. I had been on web-md, google, and any other medical website there was trying to find the answer. My mom had mentioned the possibility of endometriosis, but I thought no that can't be it. I had been praying and even began fasting for what the results would be. I wanted answers, but did not want the answer to be more than I could bare. I kept praying that it not be cancer, telling God that I want kids one day and that this just wasn't fair. I began to question God and ask why me. When the day finally arrived I was so unsure of if it would hurt, what it actually was, or what I'd have to do. Thankfully, another family friend is a radiologist, so her and my mom were texting back and forth explaining what it would be like and what I needed to expect. I got there and they gave me this awful chalky water to drink, which I now know was the dye. I was supposed to drink 2 bottles, but could barely finish the first. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally called me back for the scan. Once the scan was over I was sent home and told that my doctor would be contacting me to schedule an appointment for the results.

When I went back to the doctor, the results showed nothing, except two small cysts on my uterus. I was relieved to hear this, but at the same time I was still confused. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me. How could I go through all of this and be in this much pain and it be nothing. I just didn't understand. My doctor kept talking and looking through my folder. Finally she proceeds to tell me that the best option at this point is to move forward with a laparoscopy, that she believes I may have endometriosis. She began explaining the procedure to me and how I would feel afterwards. She stated that if it wasn't endometriosis that this procedure would give us more insight as to what steps we would need to take next, and that through this they would be able to see exactly what is going on in my body. I agreed to proceed with it and we went a head and scheduled the surgery. Thank goodness Lauren went with me that day, or I might would have burst into tears right there.

It was long before my surgery day arrived. I woke up trying not to think about what was going to happen as the day continued. I don't remember the exact time I had to be at the hospital, but it was early. I wasn't there long before they put me in a room to prep. Once they gave me my nausea medicine (I don't do well with anesthesia) and the nurse tried her hardest to find my vein (I always the best experience having deep, thin veins... Not), it was all a blur. I do remember that the nurse who rolled me back to the OR was named Yvette (my mom's name) and right before she took me in she said that she just felt like she needed to pray with me and she asked if that was ok! That meant the WORLD to me! She didn't know me, but she could tell that I was scared and that I was a christian. I was then placed on the OR table, where the lights went out.

I woke up just as they were rolling me into my outpatient room. I have several funny stories about coming too and being in that room, some of which are not appropriate to tell. My dad had to go back to work, My mom had just left to go get lunch (since they had been there all morning), Chase was at the studio, so I came back to Vanessa until Mom got there like a minute later. When I first saw her I kept trying to lift up my head to look at her but couldn't because of the anesthesia, which was pretty funny. She of course laughed at me though. When my mom got there the nurse was checking all of my gauze and making sure everything was good, she asked me did I need anything. My response was when can I have some pain medicine. ;-) She said I had to eat before they could give me any medicine, so I simply told her that I needed something to eat and drink then. I still didn't know the results of the procedure and didn't think I would find out for a couple of weeks, until my mom said that they had called on the outpatient phone and told her that I did have Stage I endometriosis, as well as, a cyst that they extracted. I wasn't quite sure what all this meant for me, but I was glad and at peace to finally have the answer to my problems. Vanessa drove me home, since I couldn't drive and since I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, we had to stop to get my favorite weakness as a post-surgery meal.

The next few days (and weeks really) were hard. If you have ever had surgery where they go in through your belly-button, you know the pain, if not be glad! It makes every movement difficult and painful. (You really don't realize how much you use your stomach muscles until you can't) I am fortunate to be surrounded with so many people who love me and helped to take care of me during the healing process. (My in-laws even had my favorite flowers waiting for me when I got back ;-))

My post op appointment was the following week with my doctor. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect when going, but I was finally at peace knowing I had my answer. She began to explain endometriosis and what happens in your body. She decided to put me on a higher dose of birth control and prescribed pain medicine to help ease some of the discomfort. She checked all of my incisions, told me to come back in 4 weeks for a check up, and I was out the door. It has now been over a year since my procedure. I can't tell you how many times I have been to the doctor in the past year! I have swapped birth control medication 4 times now, trying to find something to "help". It has been a frustrating process, yet an encouraging one as well. Through all of this, I have grown so much in my walk with Christ. I have learned to have faith that he is my healer, even if that means I don't get healing immediately, and that he promises not to cause me harm. I knew all of this before, but it puts things in a different perspective when you have to rely and stand on those promises.

Now, you may be like me before my surgery, and don't know that much bout endo... That's ok, many people may have heard of it, but have no idea what it is or the symptoms of it. Endometriosis is a condition in which endometrial tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of your uterus or pelvic region. The tissue continues to act as it normally would as if it was inside of your uterus; it thickens, breaks down, and then sheds, causing bleeding. Because the tissue has no way to escape it becomes trapped, causing the surrounding tissue to become irritated, and eventually causing scar tissue possibly even adhesions. This can cause pain and cramping in the lower back/abdomen, painful urination, painful bowel movements, pain during ovulation, pain during intercourse, painful menstrual cycles, constipation or painful bowel movements, abdominal bloating, heavy or irregular bloating, migraines, or fatigue. The most well known symptom, how most women are diagnosed, is infertility.

There is no known cause for endometriosis, although they do believe there is a hereditary link. Of course with no cause, there is no cure for it either. There are treatments to control the endo, including; hormone treatments, laparoscopic excision surgery, hysterectomy, pain killers, diet and nutrition. The only way to confirm and diagnose endo is to perform a laparoscopy to "look" at the uterus. An estimated 176 million women worldwide have endo; 8.5 million alone in North America. Yet endo remains misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and ineffectively treated, even though it is one of the most prevalent causes of intractable pain, hysterectomy, and infertility among women. Because we are so often told by society not to talk about the symptoms and problems involved with endo, many women suffer in silence, not knowing what is wrong.

For me, endometriosis is not only a disease, but a fight! Most days I am in pain and struggle to make it through the day. On average a woman with endo misses 11 hours of productivity a week due to the pain and fatigue associated with the disease. I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, but I feel like there needs to be more awareness for this disease for girls like me. 1 in 10 women have endometriosis, but only 30%-40% of those women are unaware of it.