Grace is Enough

As we get closer to Tuesday, our due date; the more emotional, anxious, and upset I get. I am struggling big time, and I've been trying so hard to hold it in. This weekend has been so hard, yet exactly what I needed. 

You stood outside my grave

With tears still on Your face

On Friday, we had a girls worship night out. We went to see Bethel Music, and it was amazing. The Spirit of God was definitely in that arena. It felt as though everything the band said, as they were ministering, was exactly what I needed to hear. In fact there was one part of the concert, if you can even call it that, that Amanda Cook was singing spontaneously from her heart and she sang "I'm on a cliff about to fall." She then proceeded to talk about how we needed to let go and fall into the arms of Jesus, that He will be there to catch us. These were the EXACT words I sent to Jen a day before. I had been texting Jen and was telling her how I have felt this week. We talked about how I felt like I've been on this cliff, and am literally on the edge about to fall. 

I heard You say my name 

My night was turned to day

I realized in that that has been my problem all along; not being able to let go and fall. Being true to myself and my feelings. I've been afraid to be completely honest with myself, and to let myself fall into God's arms. In that moment it clicked that I have to let go, as hard as it, I have to let God have his way.

As they continued ministering, they began to talk about how it's time to let God move, and awaken the part of you that died. We have to let him perform His miracle. Then, they went into this song: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRG5U-RaVdI 

Of course by this point, I am a complete wreck (in a good way). When we heard the words that Olivia had no heart beat and that she had passed, there was a part of me that died as well. My hope, my dream, my future was suddenly gone. I have been scared and afraid to face that death. I've tried my very best to hide my feelings, my hurt, my emotions, and my pain. I've been telling myself that I have to be ok, I have to be strong. My reasoning behind this was: 1) I'm a pastor's wife, I felt like I have this standard to uphold, and that by "losing it" I am failing; 2) I felt like people were looking to me to be strong and be ok. These are lies and unrealistic standards that I've put on myself. 

You came, I knew that You would come

You sang, My heart it woke up

I put this pressure on myself for no reason. I kept telling myself if I push it to the back, I can control it. And I can't.... I can't control or contain my emotions. It's only made it worse, and in the process, hurt me more.

I'm not afraid, I see Your face, I am alive

You came, I knew that You would come

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

You said death's only sleeping

With one word my heart was beating

I have quoted this verse so many times, but I never knew it's true meaning until now. This version, The Message, brings so much power and understand to this verse:

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, 

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. 

I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

This got me... I definitely wouldn't call what we've been through a gift. I have prayed and cried out to God to not let it be true. In fact, while we were getting ready to deliver Olivia, I kept begging that God would somehow make her heart start beating again. I just wanted all of this pain and hurt to be gone. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to face it. But, the very next line gives me hope. 

"My grace is enough; it's all you need."

It's only by God's grace and power that I am still standing right now. We feel as though we've literally been through hell. We have experienced the effects of death in a way that most people will never experience. We have walked through the lowest of lows in the past two and a half months. And I have been so scared to face that truth.

I rose up from my grave

My fear was turned to faith

I have put up this facade. I told myself that I am okay and that I am strong, when I am not. I am a wreck, and barely holding it together. It wasn't until this weekend that I understood what I have been doing. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

Fast forward to today, Sunday. As we began to worship, I couldn't stop the tears. Partially because Chase sang songs about grace, which is Olivia's middle name. It's {not so} ironic that the middle name that we picked for her, is the very thing I need the most. At the end we always have a time to respond and elders who are available for prayer. I knew that I needed prayer. I am at my weakest right now, and feel as though I'm barely hanging on. I didn't have to say to much, Mrs. Patsy knew exactly what I needed. 

You are a miracle working God

You are a miracle working God

As she began to pray over me, she prayed that I would be released from myself. There are so many things that she said, that I needed to hear. I explained to her that I have been holding on and trying to be strong, because I feel like I have to be. She then said something that I've been told many times, by many people, but it's so hard for me to grasp. She said that I do not have to be strong. I'm not expected to be ok. God can not move until I am real and honest with myself. Until I let go. 

You turn my fear into faith 

You raise me up from the grace

Something clicked this weekend, and I realize now that it is ok to be broken. It's ok for people to see my weakness. In my weakness, God can and will show up. He will use the weakness, just as much, if not more than He can use the strength. 

You came, I knew that You would come

I am so beyond thankful for the people that God has placed in our lives. We don't have to pretend to be something that we are not. We can be us, and know that they genuinely do care about us. 

Tuesday will still be a hard day for us, but I feel more at peace about it. I know that His grace and strength will get me through.