The Most Dreaded Month

Take this fainted heart

Take these tainted hands

Wash me in your love

Come like grace again

I have always loved fall, and the month of October. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love the decorations, dressing up, and having fun. I was really looking forward to this Halloween, and getting to dress 2 babies in matching costumes for Halloween.

Even when my strength is lost

I'll praise You

Even when I have no song

I'll praise You

Even when it's hard to find the words

Louder then I'll sing Your praise.

As October 1st has drawn closer and closer, my anxiety level has gotten higher. I dreaded seeing October. Everyday closer to the 1st, has felt heavier. I don't know how else to explain it other than thick, heaviness. This month was supposed to be a month of change, extreme joy, and bringing a new life into our home. It was supposed to be about introducing Aiden to his baby sister, adjusting to two under two, and growing our family. This week and weekend have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I just knew that I was not ready to see the Calendar change.

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

This week especially, I've kept telling myself to just breathe. As the calendar date has drawn closer, I've felt more and more alone; although I know that is a lie There are so many people I have talked to and connected with that have been through this exact thing. Though there are still moments where I feel like no one understands my pain. As I've prayed, I keep getting reminded that not only has God placed people in my life for this specific reason, He too has walked this path. He made the choice to give His son, so that I could live, Olivia can live, and you can live. He knows my pain. He understands the "bad days." He understands and knows.

Take this mountain weight

Take these ocean tears

Hold me through the trial

Come like hope again

I truly believe that God places specific people in our lives for specific purposes. There is one person that I know without a doubt that God has purposefully placed in my life. A few Sundays ago - it was actually the 4th of September (2 months since Olivia's birth) - I had to leave service. I was just an emotional train wreck. Chase met me at the bathroom after worship, he knew exactly where to find me. We talked for a few minutes and I finally composed myself and went back into service. Because worship was over, and the message had started, I didn't want to walk up front back to where I was sitting. In our church, there is an overflow area with a couch, so Chase told me just to go there. Well, can you guess who was sitting there? The very person that I needed. She just happened to be running late that morning, and was sitting on the couch. She immediately knew what I was feeling. She prayed with me and comforted me when I needed it the most. She knew the pain I was feeling, because she too, has been there. It's in moments like these that there is no question that God is real, and that He is with us.

Even when the fight seems lost

I'll praise You

Even when it hurts like hell

I'll praise You

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I'll sing Your praise

He provides the things that we need. He sees our hurt and pain. He knows when we need comfort. He loves us. I know that I am not strong enough to get through with this on my own. I never have been. I never will be. It's only through God's strength, grace, and love that I have been able to get out of bed each day. While there have been times that I have failed and let my emotions over take me, He has still been there to comfort me and gently point me back in the right direction. Psalm 51:10,12 have been my go-to verses through all of this...

"Create in me a pure heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me... Restore me to the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." 

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I'm constantly praying these verses over my own life. That God will renew me and restore me. Right now, my life is a construction zone. It is in the process of being rebuilt, restored, and renewed by our Creator.

And my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing til the morning has come

Today, I'm supposed to be extremely pregnant. In fact, this week I would be 37 weeks, which is the gestational age at which Aiden was born. I should be packing bags, washing all of our new born clothes, and getting ready to bring Olivia home. It's extremely hard facing this month that was supposed to bring us so much joy, knowing that we won't be able to do any of that.

Lord my heart burns only for You

You are all You are all I want

And my soul waits only for You

And I will sing til the miracle comes

When you go through something so painful and tragic as grieving your child, you have two choices to make. You can either let it swallow and drown you, or you can learn to live. It's not an easy process, learning to live with loss, but I know what the end result is. The end result is being reunited with my WHOLE family in Heaven. It's being able to see and hold Olivia again. It's being comforted knowing that she is in Heaven, and is playing with all of the babies who have gone before her. Olivia Grace is just as much a part of our lives as Aiden is, and she always will be.

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

I will only sing Your Praise

This month will be a hard one for our family. October 25 will be here before we know it, and as it approaches, we just ask for prayers. It will be an extremely hard day in our home, as we know that this is the day we should have been bringing our baby girl home, had we made it full term. As hard as it has been and will be, I know that we will get through this.

Even when the morning comes

I'll praise You

Even when the fight is won

I'll praise You

Even when my time on earth is done

Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing Your Praise

Song: Even When It Hurts - Hillsong UNITED

https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg