Oh Baby, Baby

   

    A few weeks ago, Aiden randomly started asking me for a little sister. It started one day on the playground. He came up to me and boldly asked "Mommy, where's my little sister?" I had no clue what to say to him. We've talked to him a little bit about his sisters in heaven, but at three, he doesn't quite understand. He was so young when we lost them that he doesn't remember. I fought back the tears and all I could reply back to him that day was "I don't know." What he didn't know was a shortly before this, I had taken a test. One that could very well, make his wish a reality here on earth.

   Over the years, we have learned to expect the unexpected. You truly never know what tomorrow holds. In August, we were surprised with an unexpected shock. The two blue lines staring back at told us everything we needed to know. We are pregnant, again. The fear and worry instantly gripped me. Asa was only 6 months old; Aiden was just 8 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia. I was told not to get pregnant within 4-6 months, preferably 6, of each pregnancy due to the baby having higher chances of Trisomy 21. I asked Chase the question, "What if Asa was our one and only miracle? What if he's it?" Not in saying that Asa isn't enough, because he is. We are so thankful and blessed by his precious life. I just do not want to face another loss, and the thought of that scares me.

    When we found out, I was already 6 weeks pregnant, which meant we only had to wait 4 more weeks before we could have genetic testing done. I thought this would make the wait easier since it was shorter, but I'm not sure if it did or didn't. With Asa, I had the test and within 3-4 days I had the results. With this pregnancy, I had the test done and it took exactly a week to get the results. It seemed like it took forever before I actually got the call. In my head I had it all planned out all week,  what I would do when they called. I would find a quite spot so no matter what the results were I could be alone. It just so happened that they called when we were right in the middle of checking out at Target. Chase and I had talked about it all morning. What if today was the day. I even sat in the car most of the time while we were running errands, just in case. I didn't think it would be while we were in Target. I even made the comment to him before we walked in that my doctor's office was closing in 30 minutes, so I guess it would be next week before we found out anything.

   Since the beginning, Aiden has been adamant, he was having a baby girl. Anytime we talked about it with him or asked him, it was always 'it's a girl.' He was getting a little sister. I asked Chase what was going to happen if he didn't have a little sister, because his little heart was set on a baby girl. When Debbie called to give me the results she said everything came back perfect and within all of the normal ranges. She then asked if I was ready to know the gender. All of the nurses at my Dr's office know our story. They knew what we went through to get Asa here, they know that we have lost two little girls, and they were all shocked that we were back so soon - but they were all SO excited for us. You could hear the joy in her voice when she said "It's a baby girl." I had to keep telling myself to hold it together until we got out of Target, but I could not wait to tell Aiden he was getting his sister.

    Shortly after we had Asa, Chase and I were talking. I told him that I felt like our family wasn't complete. It had nothing to do with the kids we had or didn't have, but I just didn't feel done. We decided we were done for a while. We would revisit the idea later, in the future, when the boys were older. Pregnancy is just so hard for me, and it takes a lot from both of us. We really wanted to just enjoy life, but God had different plans. I never told Chase, but after that talk I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. In the dream, Asa wasn't a baby, but he wasn't very old either. At the time, I just played it off as just a dream because we had been talking about it. Now I look back and think maybe God was just giving me a little bit of peace that it would all be ok.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

    So far, everything has gone perfectly. Every doctor's appointment has been meet with peace and encouragement. The fear is still there, especially on ultrasound days, but I know that God is good. He is for me and He is for you. No matter what you're going through, He will meet you there. He's done it again and again for me. In the ugly, in the pain, in the bitterness and jealousy, through it all, He has shown me His love. I am so, so thankful for all 5 of the precious lives I've been able to carry. Each one is an important part of our family and special in their own way, even the ones who didn't get to stay that long. We are too excited for this little girl, and are just so thankful for this precious life we've been given. She's got some pretty great guardian angels looking out for her.

👼💕💖

Sweet diva girl at 12 weeks 🎀

A Broken Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that children get to celebrate their moms and, we moms, get to celebrate the life that we created. Growing up, I couldn't wait for the day that I became a mom. In every group you  have that one person who is the mother figure. You know, the one who is always answering questions or worrying about everyone else. That was always me. I've always said I felt like my calling was to be a mom, that was all I could ever see myself doing. I had no idea what it took to be a mom or how hard it would be. 

"But you, Oh  Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high."  Psalms 3:3 GW

I am so grateful for the four precious lives I've had the privilege to carry. They are the reason that I am able to celebrate on Mother's Day. But while my arms are full, two pieces of my heart are missing. The last two years have been so very hard. While I want so badly to truly celebrate, my heart aches knowing I will never be able to experience a Mother's Day surrounded by all of my children. I love and am obsessed with the two sweet boys I have here on earth, but today is also a painful reminder of the two little girls that I gave with to who aren't here. 

I feel like today is a day that we as moms, are supposed to be the happiest. Today is all about us. We are just expected to be ok and that's not always the case. Maybe the expectation is just one that we (or I) just put on our(my)self. Sometimes we just need a moment, or twenty, because we are so overcome by emotions or grief. And honestly, that is ok! Honestly, for me, Mother's Day is bittersweet, it'd a day of ups and downs. One moment I am ok and the next I can't stop the tears. I feel so much joy and happiness for the lives I've created, but I also feel immense sadness at the very same time. I held it together most of the morning, but on the way back from lunch I lost it. I couldn't fight back the tears anymore, and I asked myself why do I try? Why do we in general think that it's not ok for people to see our raw, ugly, messy life? Why do we think we have to always have it together? Because honestly, I feel like I never do. Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and at some point everyone will experience it. Can you imagine the impact we could all have on each other if we were more open and honest?

I long for the day that my family is together and I can hold my girls again. A mother's love for her child doesn't depend on that child being physically present, it is a love that never dies. This day will be a day that is forever hard for me. There is an emptiness, but we have a hope that rests in Jesus, knowing that one day we will see them again and the emptiness will be filled. I will love and treasure all of my children forever.  

"he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you"  1 Peter 1:3-4 ESV

So today, if you've experienced loss, long to be a mother, or are maybe spending Mother's Day grieving your own mother, we remember you. We are you. We hope you have a Mother's Day that is filled with peace and sweet reminders of those you love. If you know a mother who has experienced loss, reach out to her and show her love today. I promise you, she needs it. 💕

Aiden Micah, Olivia Grace, Aila Elizabeth, and Asa Samuel are my everything, and I am so thankful to be their mom.