Wednesday, January 18, 2017

It's not you, It's me...

It's really not you, it's me... That is my response for so many things now. The things that I can't handle. The things that automatically send me spiraling into an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds. I am a different person than I was 7 months ago. I've experienced more grief, anxiety, loss, hurt, and pain than some people do in a life time, and I'm not even 25 yet. In a matter of 6 months, I have lost not one, but two children.


I've decided that I have to start cutting certain things out of my life for a while. I can't control others, and it wouldn't be fair too; I also can't live in a bubble, and I don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me. However, there are certain things that I can control... Things like how much time I spend on social media, who shows up on my "timeline", who I surround myself with, and how I choose to live my life.

It's so easy for people to say, "Well you can't be like that," or "You just can't allow stuff to bother you," or "You just have to get over it." There are some times that I am ok seeing a pregnant woman, and there are other times where I completely lose it.  There are things that trigger so many emotions and so much pain, that it is almost impossible to imagine.



Today, I open up Facebook like most of us do, and the first thing I see is an ultrasound picture. In that moment, time froze. It felt as if my heart stopped beating and I could not breathe. I instantly lost it. Every bone in my body hurt. The last ultrasound I had, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating. Every single memory of my last two pregnancies flooded my mind. It's crippling and uncontrollable.

Those are things that you can't just "get over". You don't get over death. You have to learn to live with it and learn how to cope with it. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. That doesn't mean that the pain will go away. That doesn't mean that you are "ok" by the world's standard all the time. It means that sometimes you are emotional, sometimes you cry in public, sometimes you lash out because you are hurting, sometimes you want to be all alone. It means that you may lose friends or have to cut off certain relationships because they just don't get it. Your life is FOREVER changed. While the world around you moves on and forgets, you feel stuck in time.


I saw this quote, and it has stuck with me. You have no idea how many times I've heard "well at least you still have Aiden" or "at least it wasn't Aiden" or "at least you weren't as far along as you were with Olivia." None of this matters. It doesn't matter if you lost your child at 3 weeks, 40 weeks, 2 years, 25 years. That child is still your baby. That child matters. That child is instantly a piece of your heart and soul, the moment you find out they exist.

I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why we are going through this. I don't understand why anyone has to go through the loss of a child. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was reading and studying the bible, when something in a devotional spoke to me. It said while we don't understand why now, one day everything will make sense. The moment that we enter Heaven, all of the puzzle pieces will come together, and we will see the big picture. I can not wait for that day, for sooooooo many reasons.


This has been one of the scriptures that has spoken to me recently. I have quoted it, prayed it, read it, and truly believe it. I believe that God will keep his promise for us. He will give us the desires of our heart. He loves us and cares for us. He is with us every step of the way. It is by His sovereign strength and grace that we are able to get through this.

To those of you who remember our angel babies and have been there for us, thank you. We truly have felt so much love from people who genuinely care for us. Recently one of our best friends had bought a gift for the baby before everything happened, when 'they' gave it to me 'they' said, "This is for OUR angel baby." I had about 5,000 emotions in that moment, but it truly meant the world to me. I wanted to break down crying right there. This baby wasn't just loved and recognized by Chase and I, and it meant so much more than you can imagine. When parents go through loss, one of the best ways you can comfort them is by remembering. Acknowledging their babies that are in heaven. Showing that you care. Being there for them.

One of my biggest desires for my blog is that people will become more aware of not only the process of loss and grief, but the life after. That others will be more kind, compassionate, and loving when they encounter someone who has experienced true grief. Society says it's a taboo subject, and that people shouldn't talk about it. Women are expected just to "get over it" and move on. No one talks about how much your life is changed after loss. It's a journey that you have to take one step at a time, because you never know when a wave will come and knock you off your feet.


For those wondering, we are still waiting on our Anora test results to come back, they should be in by next week at the latest. I'm fairly positive there will be a blog following the results!

I have shared this song before, but it has been on my heart and mind all day. It's my anthem, my heart, my prayer. 

No comments:

Post a Comment