God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
Usually, I get in the Holiday Spirit right after Halloween. I start counting down the days until I can put my Christmas tree up, and {not so} secretly start playing my Christmas music. The Holidays usually bring a certain happiness and comfort. Knowing you'll get to spend time with family, buying and giving gifts, and just being able to relax for a few days; I have always loved it. This year was completely different...Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do
This year I dreaded facing the Holidays. I didn't have the motivation or want to do anything. We finally put our Christmas tree up on the 16th of December. Partially because we left our ornaments in Alabama, but mostly because I didn't want to. It took a lot for me to even buy Christmas presents, something I absolutely love doing. We were supposed to have a toddler and a baby this Christmas. We were supposed to be buying presents for 2 kids, not 1. One of the biggest things was that I felt so much guilt during the Holidays. Guilt for not being myself for Aiden. Guilt for feeling like I was leaving Olivia out. Guilt for not being in the mood for Christmas, and letting my feelings get in the way. Just so much guilt on top of a lot of pain and hurt. It was just so hard for me.
I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
Then you have family gatherings. The ones where people say things like "I'm so glad everyone is together" or "everyone is accounted for." I wanted so bad to scream at those people, that "NO! Everyone is not together. A huge piece of my heart is missing." I know that most people don't think about it or even mean it when they say things like that, and most people don't have to deal with the pain and reality of child loss; but that doesn't make the words sting any less. It hurts knowing that Olivia won't get the chance to be in our family pictures or be physically present with our family. The death of a child is a pain and hurt that only those who have experienced it will understand; no matter how long that child lived, it still hurts the same.
I will love You Lord my rock
Forever, all my days, I will love You God
I'm not telling you all of this to feel sorry for or have pity on me; I'm just being transparent. The Holidays were probably some of the hardest days I've faced. I knew that they would be bad, I just didn't know how hard they would be. I did truly enjoy spending time with our family. There is something about being Home and with family.
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns forever all my days
Hallelujah
Once the Holidays were officially over, I knew there was one more day that we had to face before the wave would pass. The six month mark...
You're faithful all my days
When I forget I just see the rain
Cause I see you in the rain
Giving life to every little living thing
There are some months where the 4th is just another day, and then there are others where it feels like the world is on my shoulders. Today was one of those days... So much has happened in 6 short months, but one thing has not, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Olivia Grace.
I wonder how life would be with 2 under 2, how much Aiden would have loved and absolutely aggravated her, and how our family would look completely different.
I see you in the rain
Giving life and breath to every living thing
Causing dead things to rise again...
It has been a hard and painful six months, but we are getting through it one step at a time. There are bad days and there are good days. We just have to live one day at a time.
On November 3rd during all of this chaos and hurt and pain, we found out that we are pregnant again... The exact same day that we found out we were pregnant with Aiden 2 years ago. It was completely unpredicted, unseen, and completely God.
Slow down, take time
Breath in, he said
He'd reveal what's to come
"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors." Deuteronomy 30:3-5 (MSG)
The thoughts in his mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come
He'll reveal all to come
The first line says it all. "God will restore everything you lost." While, Olivia can never be replaced or forgotten, our hearts can be healed and restored. We are in that process now. When we realized that our due date is July 11th, exactly one week after Olivia's birthday, we knew that this Rainbow baby is completely God-sent in His perfect timing.
Take courage, my heart
Stay steadfast, my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
A baby born after loss is called a Rainbow baby. We've experienced the storm and rain. God has seen us through every step of the way. He has given us reminder after reminder that this baby is just that, a rainbow; a promise, a hope, and restorative healing.
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| I have posted this picture before, but it holds even more meaning to me now. I was actually pregnant and didn't know, when this picture was taken. 💗 |
Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing
As your triumph unfold
He's never-failing
He's never-failing
There have been days that I had to call or ask others who have walked this road before me for prayer because I knew I could not hold the weight anymore, and I have been instantly relieved. I had a complete mental break down one day, driving after work. As I began to pray and just pour my heart out to God, I look up and see a complete whole rainbow.
Sing praise, my soul
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on
Find strength in joy
Let his words lead you on
Do not forget his great faithfulness
He'll finish all he's begun
He'll finish all he's begun
There are still days that I am completely overwhelmed by fear and worry. Ultrasounds still give me so much anxiety and make me feel so sick. But we will take things one day at a time, and know that this precious baby was hand picked by Olivia Grace and sent to us as a precious reminder that she is with us.
And you who hold the stars
Who call them each by name
Will surely keep your promise to me
That I will rise in your victory
Will surely keep your promise to me
That I will rise in your victory
There have two songs that have made an impact on me and felt like they were written for me. I usually include one song, but I couldn't decided on one, so I have included them both. ;-)
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