I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
Sunday, February 21st - The day we got the Big Fat Positive
I hadn't been feeling very well for a couple of weeks, and Chase kept joking that he thought I was pregnant, of course I quickly argued that there was no way. If you know us, or have read my previous blogs, you know that it took us a while to get pregnant with Aiden. In fact, we weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant on our own, so to even think we could get pregnant when we were preventing it, seemed unrealistic. I had taken a test the week before, but it wasn't very clear, there was a very very faint line. I just assumed the test was defective, because there was no way. When I woke up that morning and realized the date, I decided to test again, and there it was.... All I could do was cry... I kept thinking about what everyone was going to say, and how they would respond. Here we are with an 8 month old, and now we are pregnant again... They were going to be almost exactly 16 months apart. At the time, it seemed impossible because Aiden was still a baby.
It was a Sunday, of course, if you are in ministry you know how Sundays are... I told Chase just as he was getting ready to leave. He hugged me and reassured me that we could do this, that everything was going to be ok. After a short pep-talk, the last thing Chase says as he is walking out the door is, "Don't call anyone..." That lasted all of 1 minute. Who does a girl call when she needs advice and encouragement?? I called my big sister in a mess. After talking to her for a few minutes, I felt so much better. She reassured me that even though it seemed impossible right now because Aiden was still in the baby stage, he will grow quickly. She explained that before the baby is born, Aiden would be in a toddler stage - he would be more self-sufficient, off of formula and eating real food, talking, and walking. And she was right...
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
Friday, March 24th - Seeing our sweet baby for the first time.
For a mom, there is nothing like seeing and hearing the heartbeat of the baby inside of you for the first time. When we got to Dr. Logan's office, the staff was so nice and encouraging. I was so nervous about going, because of all the problems we faced during my pregnancy with Aiden and it felt like we just left. When we were able to see our baby moving as much as she was at such an early stage, all of my fears were put to ease. Everything was going to be ok, because this baby, our precious baby had a purpose. After seeing our baby, anytime I would begin to worry about how we were going to have 2 under 2, I would repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself, and the worry would disappear.
I don't want my worry to be mistaken for not wanting this baby, because we so wanted her. We fell in love with her the day we found out that we were expecting her. I was just worried about how we were going to be able to "handle" 2 under 2 with everything that comes with having children - financially, emotionally, physically. For someone who is a planner, it was a lot to think about. It felt like we were finally adjusting to having one child, and now we were going to be adding another.
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
Thursday, April 28th - Public Announcement
Is anything really official before you post it on social media anymore? ;-) Unlike our pregnancy with Aiden, we kept this pregnancy a secret from most people for a while. We, of course, told our parents and a few very close friends shortly after we found out, but no one else knew. We finally decided to tell people because I was starting to show, and we knew we would be finding out if we were having a boy or girl in a few weeks. I think most people were shocked, by their reactions and comments, but it was definitely not the response I feared. Most everyone was excited for us, and automatically said that we would have a girl this time. I wasn't convinced...
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Monday, May 16th - Those first kicks!
I had been feeling a few flutters the week before, but on May 16th I felt the very first, very distinct kick. I was at the exact same gestation as I was when I felt Aiden kick for the first time. These kicks were so different from Aiden's though. Aiden always kicked up and out, this baby kicked nerves. It was the weirdest feeling ever.
As a pregnant mom, you so enjoy the kicks. You look forward to feeling the kicks. Even when the kicks hurt, they make you smile and feel peace. They are how you know our baby is alive and healthy.
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thursday, May 26th - What will IT be??
Up until this point everything in my pregnancy had been perfect. I wasn't sick like I was with Aiden, and it was just different. The only symptom I had was being tired all the time, and with an 11 month old, you don't have time to be tired. Chase and I just knew that we were having another boy. We had even picked out a little boy name, every time we discussed little girl names we felt there was no need. There were only boys in Chase's family, so everyone assumed it would be a boy.
When the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly the baby was curled up, feet crossed, in a ball, facing my back. I honestly thought she wasn't going to be able to get a clear shot to tell us what we were expecting. But the baby moved those tiny feet to give us a clear view... It's a girl! Chase response was, "are you sure?" It was very clear that we were having a girl. It's amazing how you can tell so much from an ultrasound. We were unable to get a really good face shot, although the tech tried so hard our baby girl, was not having it. She just wanted to sleep. Everything was perfect.
She was weighing in at 8 ounces, 4 ounces smaller than Aiden was when we went for our anatomy scan with him. Dr. Logan even mentioned the possibility of being able to VBAC because it didn't seem like she would be quite as big as her big brother. This gave me hope, hope that maybe just maybe I wouldn't be as sick as I was with Aiden. Maybe I would be able to recover quickly and not have to worry about having a C-section with 2 small ones. Maybe everything would be ok, and I could enjoy this delivery.
I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
My 1st Mother's Day present, was a kid-free vacation to Disney, all thanks to my hubby. I was a nervous wreck leaving Aiden behind for 5 days, but it was a much needed vacation. We didn't really realize how much we needed it. We hadn't been anywhere alone since Aiden's birth with a few exceptions, and I mean like 2 or 3. We decided to do our Gender Reveal at Disney, because why not... ;-) It's no secret that we LOVE Disney, so it was perfect timing that we got to do our reveal there. We face timed all our parents the first day we were there, May 30th, and showed them our button. They were all so excited, like I said, we all thought it was going to be another boy. The whole time we were there, we heard tons of congratulations, that's why you get a button. :-)
Everyone else kept asking us, wanting to know when we were going to post the picture. We decided that we wanted to wait until we could take pictures at Magic Kingdom, which was scheduled for Wednesday. We were so excited to finally let everyone know that we were having a baby girl. I think most of our friends and extended family were pretty surprised and excited as well. :-) We were going to have the perfect family.
While at Disney, we had to get souvenirs! Our first trip with Aiden, he got a Mickey lovey. He absolutely loves him lovey. So before we even got there, we knew our baby girl had to have a Minnie lovey. And then I saw the Ariel, and she "had" to have it too. :-)
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Tuesday, June 7th - The halfway mark.
Generally with a pregnancy, once you make it to the 2nd trimester you're considered "safe". I was so excited to be at the halfway point in this pregnancy. The day before I got our first set of bows in the mail and couldn't wait to put them to use, it was my first girl purchase. ;-) I finally allowed myself to really getting excited about having another baby and watching Aiden grow up with a baby sister. It was time to really start getting ready for this baby.
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Tuesday, June 28th - Aiden's First Birthday
We took the day off, and decided to take Aiden to the zoo and spent all day with him. We had been discussing names off and on, and couldn't make up our mind on what we wanted. We are big on what the name means, and wanted her name to have meaning. We joke, because Aiden's name means, Little Fire, which has proven to be the perfect match for him! He is such a little fire ball, so full of personality. So, we said that this baby's name needed to be something peaceful, because we wouldn't deal with two strong-willed kids. I have always loved the name Olivia, Chase wasn't too sold on it. When I broke down the meaning of it, we decided that was her name. We went back and forth between Olivia Grace and Olivia Mae. We wanted all our kids to have a biblical name or aspect to their name, so Grace seemed like the perfect fit, but we liked the name Mae just as much. So, we put it to a vote! :-p We text our parents, and it was unanimous, Olivia Grace. Olivia means olive tree, which doesn't seem to mean much at first glance. However, when you break it down an olive is a symbol of peace used throughout the bible. Grace means God's favor. It is the perfect name for our little girl.
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not, So
Friday, July 1st - The day I got a bad feeling.
I was up, running around most of the day trying to prepare for baby Aiden's 1st Birthday party. I was putting all of his party supplies together, and we took everything to my mom's so it would be one less thing to worry about. By this point in my pregnancy, Olivia was on a schedule. I knew that every morning around 9, she started moving like crazy. She also got hiccups about 10-15 minutes after I ate, every single time. It was in the afternoons that she was the busiest, she was constantly moving just like her big brother did. Except today, I had not felt her move all day, and I just had a bad feeling. I kept telling myself that it was because I was moving around and stressing about Aiden's birthday party. I told Chase that night that I hadn't felt her move all day, but we decided it was probably because she had tucked herself comfortably behind my placenta. I had an anterior placenta, meaning my placenta was directly in front. This can make it hard to feel the baby move, and extremely hard for other people to feel her as well. Still, something just didn't feel right.
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Saturday, July 2nd - One of the best, worst days of my life.
That morning, we got up and got ready for Aiden's birthday party. I tried several things to get our baby girl to move, but nothing seemed to be working. On the way to my mom's, Chase asked had I felt her yet. All I could do was shake my head, I didn't want to think about it. I just needed to make it through Aiden's big day. This was his day. We decided that if I didn't feel her move, we would call after the party. I was all over the place, running around like a crazy person... Making sure everything was perfect. I couldn't really enjoy the party because I was so worried. I kept praying for God just to let her move, just to give me some peace of mind. I felt so distant and alone from everyone, even though all our close friends and family were right there with us. After the party and lots of pictures, we went home. On the way, I called Chase's mom, who is a Labor & Delivery nurse, and told her what was going on. She told me one more test to try...
It didn't work. She still wasn't moving. I called the doctor's office, and spoke with the doctor on call. When I told him what was going on, his voice changed and he stated that we needed to come in asap to be put on a monitor. I lost it. I was exhausted, scared, anxious, and just wanted it all to go away. Chase reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We got in the car, and left Aiden with my brother. Thankfully, Hayden had followed us to our house from the party, and was waiting on my dad there.
Chase called our parents and let them know what was going on. He is always so calm, when I'm barely holding it together. When we arrived at the hospital they made Chase go register me. Since it was a Saturday, he had to go to the ER to do that. That left me alone in the room with the nurse. She put the monitor to my belly and said, because I was only 24 weeks, she wasn't sure if we would be able to pick up a heartbeat. After trying for several minutes, she thought she heard one. She left the room and came back with the hand held doppler, but still couldn't find a heartbeat. Chase got back to the room just as another nurse came in, and she tried for several minutes to find it, before telling my nurse to order an ultrasound. We waited a little while with heaviness, heart beating out of my chest, trying not to lose it, anxiousness.
The ultrasound tech came in and said he was going to look at the baby. When he put the wand on I could see that she wasn't moving. He took several scans, and then stopped on her heart. I could tell in that moment that it wasn't beating, but I did not want to believe it. Maybe I was just reading the monitor wrong. The tech's temperament changed, and his hands started shaking. He left the room, and said the doctor would be in to see us. My heart broke and I lost it.
Somehow Chase managed to calm me down, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok. It seemed like time stood still. We waited what seemed like forever, before the doctor finally came in, with 2 nurses... I will never forget his words. "Sometimes we don't understand or know why these things happens, but there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." My heart broke into a million pieces. How could this be happening... He gave us a few minutes and then proceeded to tell us why he became an OB-GYN. When he was younger, he went to an appointment with his Aunt when she was 38 weeks pregnant. She came out crying, and of course he asked why, being a young boy. She told him that she found out that her baby died in her tummy. He said that she went on to have several kids, but that it changed him. He said most of the time his profession is happy, but sometimes this happens and we don't know why. He told us that we may never find out why it happened, but they would check.
There is nothing that prepares you to hear those words or to face the fact that your child has died.
After a few minutes, he explained our next few steps. He explained that I would have to deliver our baby girl, and that it was going to be a painful process that could take days. He asked about our delivery with Aiden, because I didn't dilate at all with him and had to have an c-section, it could take longer, but he wanted to try and avoid another c-section. They left us alone to wait for our parents before they moved us to the end of the hall. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I had finally somewhat composed myself when my mom and Wayne came in. After a few minutes with them I told the nurse we were ready to go to the "other" room.
With several attempts and 3 blown veins, the anesthesiologist got my IV going and they started me on Cytotec and fluids. I didn't realize the time, but our first nurse Brittany stayed a good bit after her shift to make sure we were ok. I'm so thankful for the nurses and staff we had for both of our deliveries. I'm convinced that Cytotec is the devil. Shortly after they gave it to me I started contracting. Because they didn't have to worry about harming the baby, and since she was so small they said I could have anything I wanted. They also said I could get an epidural whenever I wanted. Chase asked the nurse if they could give me something to help me sleep, so she came back with some medicine and put it in my IV.
I was in and out most of the night. Everything was kind of a blur. Time didn't exist to us, everything seemed to stand still. I do remember at some point telling my mom that now I have to figure out a funeral, and how we were going to pay for everything. I didn't know how we were going to do it. We didn't have that kind of money saved up. Every 4 hours I had to take more Cytotec, followed by pain medicine because the contractions would pick back up.
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
Sunday, July 3rd - The wait.
That morning Brittany was back to take care of us. Dr. Logan also came in that morning to see us. I have never met a doctor who cares more about her patients than Dr. Logan. She is amazing, and a lifesaver. She held me, and reassured me that she was going to be running several tests to see if we could find out what caused this. She upped my medicine, and told the nurses to give me whatever I wanted. And they finally let me eat! I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday morning, and felt so weak. Once they gave me the higher dose of Cytotec, my contractions started getting stronger and closer together. It wasn't long after, I asked for the epidural.
It was a long, exhausting, almost eternal day of waiting. There wasn't much change for most of the day. However, later on that day my water finally broke and I was dilating. It wasn't until later that night things really started to progress. And by midnight I had finally made it to four centimeters.
At that point the realization of what was about to happen really sank in, and that the labor process had truly began.
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
This song has been my heart and prayer since I heard it. After my dad shared her Hillary Scott's testimony, and the reason behind her lyrics, I understood why it has had an impact. I have included a link to the song, and testimony below. It comes from a broken and pure heart.
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