Our Sleeping Beauty... Part 2

This blog will be much different than any I have ever written. Although I haven't written much in the past, this is something I feel lead to do given with the events that have taken place in my life in the past month. I feel like I have to do this. I need to let my voice be heard, in honor of my baby girl. If you haven't read Part 1, I encourage you to do so before reading any further.

Just to add a disclaimer, I am going to go into few of the details of the birth and death of our little girl, because it is all a part of our story. Without all the details, it isn't really our story, it's just a version of the story.

 The One who made the blind to see 

Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me

Monday, July 4th - The worst day of my life.

July 4th for most is a day of celebration. You get to enjoy fireworks, usually good food, and sometimes even parades. For us, July 4th will never be the same. I was ready to get labor over, but I wasn't ready for it. It was a mixture of emotions. I knew that after I delivered, there was no going back. Even though, she had already passed, Olivia wasn't officially dead until she was born. And I would no longer be pregnant. While we were there, I told Chase several times that I just wanted to go home. If we were home, none of this was happening.

 Today, I was exactly 24 weeks along. Although my pregnancy had been perfect up to this point,  I dreaded week 24. The closer it got, the more anxious I became. At 24 weeks with Aiden, I started having signs of pre-eclampsia; high blood pressure and severe swelling. I was scared that this pregnancy would be the same. I had no idea, that in the pregnancy, I would be getting ready to deliver at week 24.

Early that morning, around 2 am, I had finally progressed to 6 centimeters. My nurse, Devon, suggested that I roll onto my left side, because sometimes that speeds up the progress. They only really expected me to make it to 7, and then be able to deliver because of how small Olivia was. After helping me get onto my side, because half of my body was numb, Devon left the room for us to rest. I was in and out of sleep for a while, before I woke up in a lot of pain. I woke Chase up and told him he needed to help me roll back over and sit up because I was hurting. During all of that my mom also woke up from a very short cat nap. The nurses and Dr. kept telling me that when I felt pressure, I needed to let them know. Because I had a c-section with Aiden, I was unsure of what I should be feeling, and what was normal. We determined that this was definitely the pressure they were talking about, and not just a contraction. So, my mom went and told Devon. She came in to check, and by a miracle, I was complete. I had made it to 10 centimeters. When she said that, the flood gates opened, and the heaviness set it. The room fell silent.

The One who made the deaf to hear

Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear

Devon went to call the doctor and let him know that we were ready. She came back in with the delivery table and got everything set up. I asked for one more dose of pain medicine before we started pushing, because the feeling was starting to come back. I was scared that this delivery was going to end up like Aiden's, and the epidural would wear off completely.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity for Dr. Lawhon to come in. Once he finally got there, we still had to wait a few more minutes before the anesthesiologist came in with the medicine. The whole time we waited, we all sat in complete silence.  There was nothing to say, nothing to do. We all knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing that was going to change it.

I kept praying in those silent moments for God to give me strength. I was completely terrified, devastated, and broken. I didn't want to do this, and I didn't think I could. I wanted to take the easy way out.  I kept thinking that a c-section would be so much easier. They could just put me to sleep, and I wouldn't have to worry about any of it. I am so thankful that they did not do that, and that I was able to deliver naturally. 

Once the anesthesiologist came in and re-dosed the medicine, Dr. Lawhon said we would wait a few minutes for the medicine to kick in. I was so ready for it all to be done, but was not ready for it to happen. After another 10 minutes that felt like eternity, we got everything and everyone into position. Chase was on my right, and my mom on my left. The Dr. said hopefully it will only take a few pushes, but explained that I would have to push. After the first push, I broke. I told them I couldn't do it, the truth is I could do it. I knew I could do it, but I did not want to. I did not want to do this. I did not want to be there. I was not ready for it to be over. I wasn't ready to come face to face with reality. Chase and my mom reassured me that I could do it. And with one more push, she was born.

July 4th at 3:50 am, Olivia Grace Hawsey was born sleeping, weighing 1 pound and 4 ounces and she was 14 inches long. She looked just like her big brother, and was absolutely perfect in every way.

Devon had asked prior if we wanted to hold her after she was born, or if we wanted her to go dress her and bring her back, or what we wanted to do. The hospital has a thing called a Cuddle Cot for stillborn babies. It holds the baby and keeps it cool, so that the baby can stay with the parents for longer, if they wanted. We decided that we wanted to hold her after she was born, and then get pictures of her. I felt like if we kept her with us the whole time in a cuddle cot, I would only make the situation worse, and make myself sick.

They handed our baby girl to me. She was so tiny, but so precious. We sat there for a few minutes holding each other, and crying over our baby girl. And then just like that, she was gone...

Because everything happened so early, my placenta was not ready to come out. If we couldn't get it to loosen, I would have to have surgery. So, once again they upped my dosage of Cytotec, and said it would take more time. However, I finally felt some relief, but the brokenness remained.

Before Brittany left on the 3rd, she told us what nurses were on schedule for the 4th, because she was off. She wanted us to pick who we wanted, so that we would be comfortable with who would be with us. We gave her 2 names without hesitation, April and Lisa. Both April and Lisa were there for us during Aiden's delivery. Lisa was our nurse, but April was also with us for the majority of the time. Lisa got put on call, so April came to our rescue at shift change. For a nurse to willingly take on a case like ours, is a big deal. If I was a nurse, I would dread having me as a patient. All of our nurses were absolutely amazing, but April is my angel, she was God sent. She cried with me, prayed with me, took care of me, and had the biggest impact on me. She also has a little boy just a few months younger than Aiden, we had exchanged clothes and advice several times. ;-) So we already knew April, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be anyone else, we could just be ourselves with her. Chase kept joking that if I could just make it to shift change, April would give me whatever I wanted, not that any of the other nurses didn't, but it would be different with her. And he was so right...

When April came in, you could see the heaviness on her face and that she was fighting the tears. To have a nurse who hurts with you and truly cares for you is like a ray of hope. In such a dark situation, we needed that hope. She told me that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently, and that Olivia was just too perfect for this world. (I can still hear and see her saying those exact words.)

April went and dressed Olivia in a precious dress and bonnet, and took a few pictures for us. They also put together a memory box for us that holds everything in it; her gown and bonnet, footprints, pictures, a card from all the nurses, her hospital bracelet, and several other things. Everything was absolutely perfect, and we are so appreciative for such an amazing hospital staff. 

After several checks to see if it was ready, we were able to deliver the placenta later that afternoon. Thankfully, no surgery. We were then moved to postpartum, and away from our favorite nurses... but this meant I could get a shower and walk around. When April got us to the room, she told me to text her if I needed anything or if they weren't giving me something. She then asked if she could pray with me. I don't think anyone in the room avoided tears...

Later that afternoon my mom left so that she could get some rest and a shower. Since everything happened so suddenly, none of us had been able to get showers, grab clothes, or anything. We all basically came to the hospital straight from Aiden's party. None of us were prepared for any of this. Shortly after she left, my dad and sister got there with Aiden, Lilly Kate, and Amelia. We were so glad to see Aiden, but my heart broke even more on the inside. Seeing him with other kids, hurt more than I thought it would. He wouldn't get to meet his sister, or run around and play with her like he did LK. I was looking forward to watching Aiden and Olivia grow up together, and now that dream was crushed.

While they were there, a lady came in for us to sign the birth/death certificate. We weren't really sure what was going on, until she proceeded talking about it. So, we asked that Lauren and AJ take the kids out for a few minutes so that we could fill out all the information. I wasn't sure how it would work, and if would we have to fill out both a birth and death certificate. However, instead of getting both, you get a certificate of birth for a stillborn.

After she left, we let the everyone come back in for a few minutes while AJ went to go get Chase and I supper. And then they left to go catch some fireworks. They are definitely brave to take 3 kids - a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a 3 week old - to watch fireworks. ;-)

They had given us the option to either stay the night again, or be released, since I wasn't having any issues. We decided that we would feel more comfortable staying one more night. I didn't want to end up back in the hospital, like we did after Aiden's birth. After everyone left, and we were done eating, we asked the nurse if she could give me something to help me sleep. She came back with some medicine, and for the first time I actually truly slept since hearing the news.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

Tuesday, July 5th - Leaving empty handed.

When you're in the hospital, you don't really "wake up," its more like you are in and out of sleep, nurses are coming in and out, you are getting medicine every 4 hours, and then there is shift change. That's how it was for most of the morning. We knew that a few things were going to happen on this day... First, Wayne would come and meet the Chaplin to get our baby girl and take her to the funeral home. Second, we would be released to go home. When Wayne got there I couldn't help but to start crying. Even though Olivia wasn't with us, her body was still in the same place we were. When Wayne got there, it hit me that her body was going to be taken away. I wouldn't get another chance to hold her in this life. There was no going back. 

After we got everything situated, and Wayne left, we just sat there. We had to wait several hours to be discharged, because I'm O negative, we had to wait on test results to see if I needed a RHOgam shot. Once we found out that I did indeed need the shot, we had to wait for them to figure out the dosage and how many shots I would need. Dr. Logan called and said that I needed FIVE shots, and I could only receive 2 doses at a time. If you're O- and a woman, you know how a RHOgam shot is... It is not a fun shot to receive. Thankfully, because Dr. Logan is amazing, she said that we could take the shots at home and let Chase's mom give them to me.

Most of the time we spent waiting, we were silent. We didn't want to go home. We didn't want to face the reality of what had happened. We didn't want to face people. While we were at the hospital, we were in a bubble. No one could come and see us without our permission. Everyone who came in, knew what happened and were extremely sensitive to the situation. When we finally got released, we asked if they would just let me walk. I didn't want to have to ride in a wheel chair. If I walked, I felt like that would give me something to think about, and it would allow me to have some sense of dignity. We ended up with the same postpartum nurse that we had with Aiden, so she let me walk. She walked with us to the door, and then we said our goodbyes. I was ok until we got to the doors. When we walked through those double doors, I fell apart. It was like my whole body just stopped and I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, my heart physically hurt, and I felt like I was drowning. I should be leaving the hospital with my baby girl, but we were leaving empty handed.

I cried most of the ride home. We stopped and got lunch, even though I could barely eat anything. I just kept telling Chase that it wasn't fair, and that it sucked. I don't know how many times I've said those words in the past month. I just didn't understand how something like this could happen to people like us, we are in ministry. I felt like God had turned his back on us. He could have saved Olivia. There was a part of me that was mad at Him, but the majority of it was that I was completely broken. I told Chase that I have always told myself that I could never go through a miscarriage or anything like that, because I could not handle it. I have always had the most respect for people who have miscarried or lost children, because I could not imagine their pain. I now know that pain. We talked about how we have never experienced pain with crying, but when you cry over the death of your child, it literally and physically hurts. It is an ache that I wish on no one.

When we got home my, dad was there with Aiden. He and my sister tag teamed keeping Aiden, and cleaning our house. We are so, so grateful for our family and friends! They have been amazing in helping us, keeping Aiden, and going above and beyond for us. Chase unloaded the few things we had in the car, and we both came in for hugs and love from baby Aiden. Shortly after we had been home my mom came over, followed by Chase's parents, and then two of our close friends who brought us a few groceries. Bringing groceries may not seem like a big deal, but when you live in a small town, you are thankful for people who offer to go get what you need.

Everyone stayed and talked for a while, and we went over the final details for the graveside service on Wednesday. My mom was the last one to leave, and she stayed until we were ready for bed. After she left, I laid in my bed and cried. From our room, the room that you see was supposed to be Olivia's. All of the things that we had bought her were in that room. Although, we hadn't bought a ton of stuff yet, I had already had an idea of how I wanted her room decorated and arranged. In that room, was supposed to be where my baby girl slept. Now, it is where all we have "left" of her is. I eventually dosed off...

The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole

Wednesday, July 6th - A day of solitude.

It was such a weird day at our house. The weather was yucky, it was cloudy and rainy for the majority of the day. Even Aiden wasn't quite acting like himself. We woke up that morning with such a heaviness. I couldn't imagine how I was about to get through what we were about to do. The clock seemed to be moving so slowly, and I was just ready to get it all over with. We were dreading having to go to our baby's funeral. I kept thinking to myself, how in the world was I going to hold it together. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't be picking out what my one year old is going to wear to his baby sister's funeral. I should still be pregnant, not wearing a dress that I couldn't wear 3 days ago.

We decided that we would arrive at the graveside as close to 2:00 as we could, that way, hopefully, no one would come up to us. We didn't want to talk to anyone. We didn't want to be there. We didn't want to be at our daughter's funeral. Even though we are so thankful for the people who came, and the love that was shown to us, in that moment, we didn't want to face anyone. We didn't know how to process what we were going through. When the clock finally hit 1:45, we decided it was time to leave. The ten minute car ride seemed to take forever, and I couldn't fight back the tears anymore. I cried the whole way there. I told Chase that I'm 24, I have had to go through more things than some 50 year olds have never thought of facing. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to do this.

When we pulled up, I lost it, again. I didn't want to face people, I didn't think I could. They saved us a parking spot right by the burial spot, so that I wouldn't have to walk far, but I felt like everyone was starring at us. It was a moment of pure vulnerability. Mrs. Carolyn, the funeral director, was so kind and compassionate. She met us at the car with an umbrella, and told me to take my time. We sat there for a few minutes until I was ready to get out. I kept praying for God to give me strength, I needed help to make it through. There was nothing like walking up and seeing that tiny white casket laying in front of me, knowing it was holding my baby girl.

The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins

I honestly don't remember anything that was said at the small service we had. I do, however, remember the faces. I remember the looks, the pity, the expressions that said "I know where you've been," and the ones that said "I'm so thankful I didn't have to go through this." We told our Pastor that we wanted to keep it short, because we knew that there was nothing that really needed to be said. We knew where our baby girl was, and there was nothing that could be said to make it "better." We buried Olivia Grace with her Minnie lovey and our hearts.

A few people made the comment that we were saying our "final goodbye" to her that day. I absolutely HATED that. I wanted to scream so bad that it was not our final goodbye. How can I say goodbye to my baby before I even get to say "hello" or "I love you"? How can I say goodbye when I know I will see her again? How can I say goodbye to someone that I would give my life to bring back? I will not say goodbye, because she lives. She is with us. I see her everywhere, and think about her constantly.

"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life.." John 3:36

"But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

"For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” Acts 2:39

Although we do not understand why this happened, God knew. He holds the future. We can survive this tragedy, because we believe in a Sovereign God. He is all knowing and all powerful. We lean on the hope that we will see our Olivia Grace again. It will be such a sweet moment to pick up my baby girl and be able to kiss her sweet forehead, like i do her big brother every night. 

"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Everyday is a new and different day...

The day after the funeral, July 7th, was our 3rd Anniversary. Chase decided that we needed to get out of the house, I was not convinced. I knew that staying home wouldn't do me or him any good, and with everything that he had done for me the past few days, I decided that I would give in. We decided to go to Destin for the day. We went shopping, ate, and went to see The Legend of Tarzan (which is an amazing movie). I did much better than I thought I would for the majority of the day. I was scared that I was going to break down or have a panic attack in the middle of a crowd. Thankfully, I only had one moment where I had to leave a store, but for the most part, I held it together except for in the car.

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

The first week was extremely hard, especially Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. Grief, especially grief of a child, is hard. The first week all I could think about was what happened. I was so mad and upset. I hated that this happened to me. I didn't want this to be my life. I was supposed to have the "perfect" family. But, when you have other kids (or a one year old), it is especially hard. You can't sit and dwell, you have to be ok. I had to be strong not only for Aiden, but also for Olivia. 

Her life has meaning and purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 still holds truth, even if she is not on this earth. We have talked several times about how we don't want her life to be for nothing, and it isn't. If no body else is changed though all of this, we are. We are different. Our relationship is different, we are different parents, our ministry is different, we see everything differently now. When you face something as awful as death, there are two things you can do... You can run and be bitter or you can allow it to change and mold you. We have discussed several times how we don't understand how people can turn away from God during times like this. The only way that we are surviving and healing, is by pressing into God and each other. 

There are so many scriptures and songs that have opened my eyes and heart. In our studying, there have been two songs that we liked before, but after we found out their meaning and how they were written, we LOVE them now. It's amazing how God lines things up for us. He holds and sees the future. 

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One

Every single need that we have had, has been met above and beyond what we expected. The burial and headstone was covered in full, without anything coming out of our account. We have had several meals brought to us. The love poured out to us has been overwhelming, and we are so grateful. 

On July 20th, I was finally ready to go pick out what we would put at her grave. I hated pulling up to it, and it having nothing on it. No one knew who was buried there, and that bothered me. I wanted everyone to know who she was. We had looked at a few designs online just to get an idea before we went to the company that does the engraving and set up. I was perfectly fine the whole day, but when we walked in, and explained why we were there, I couldn't fight back the tears. Chase had to do all the talking. It was just too much for me. We knew that we wanted a beveled marker, and how we wanted her name and date, but there are so many choices when it come to designs and borders. It was a bit overwhelming. The lady that was there was so kind and helped us pick out exactly what we wanted for our baby girl. We had to stop by the grave on the way home so that we could put out a marker for them. On the way back I couldn't stop the tears. I told Chase that it just wasn't fair and that I was to young to have to worry about what I am going to put on my daughter's grave. We talked about it for a few minutes, and how everything was going to be ok. The company emailed us the design before submitting it, so that we could approve it or tweak it. We decided we wanted to change one small thing, before finalizing it. 

The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles!
You're the God of miracles!

Chase and I were both raised in church, and we both grew up reciting John 3:16... Before all of this, I understand that God sent his only Son to die for our sins, but I couldn't relate to that pain. For us, John 3:16 has a whole new meaning. To come to the realization, that God sent his son to die, even when he didn't have to means so much more now that I have experienced the pain of losing my child. God could have saved His Son, but He didn't so that you and I could go to heaven. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't sacrifice the life of my children for anyone. That is true love. And he did this for you and I... 

I didn't have my phone the majority of the time that we were in the hospital. I didn't want to talk to anyone. However, both Chase and my mom had gotten a few texts, calls, and messages. My mom got one call from a friend of her's mother. Precious Mrs. Faye… she had been through the same thing many years ago. She wanted to call and check on me, and see how we were doing. If you know Mrs. Faye, you know that she is an amazing woman of God. I believe that she will have more crowns than she will know what to do with in Heaven. While on the phone with my mom, she told her that Olivia was met at the gates of heaven by my Nana and Granny and that they would take care of her, of course that made us all cry. While it does give me some comfort, it still hurts. My earthly body is selfish. I want Olivia here with me. I often think about what it is like, and am reminded that even though I would give anything to bring her back, she is better there. She will never have to deal with the pain of death. She will never be sick. She will never experience heartbreak. She gets to live forever in such a glorious place, never having to experience the tragedies of this world. 

"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth." Isaiah 25:8

Today makes one month since we held our baby girl. I wish that I could say that we are better, and that our pain is gone, but it is not. Grief is something that I don't think you ever get over. You learn how to cope. I read an article that described the pain of grief like waves, and it was so true. It said, "in the beginning, it's like the waves of a storm. They are high and crashing in constantly, it seems as if you are going to drown. But slowly, the waves start getting further apart. There may be something that you see or hear that brings back the big waves, but for the most part they are manageable, and you know when to expect them."

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

This journey of grief has just begun for us. I know that there will be more "bad" days. There will be days that if you see me, I may look like a zombie or I may fall apart in front of you. But there is one thing that I know... God is in control. He will give me the strength I need to face tomorrow.  

I have also included a link to the song "Miracles," and an interview about how the song came to be. 

https://youtu.be/IOslAAUcKcc

https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I

I couldn't find a video with just the testimony, so you only have to watch like the first two minutes. The rest of the video teaches you how to play it. ;-)