After they gave us a few moments and told us the plan, the Dr. told us that they would check the placenta and umbilical cord to make sure there were no visible signs as to why this happened. He also wanted us to know that we may never know... When she was delivered, she was perfect. The cord was not around her neck, there were no knots, nothing was wrong. So, my last hope was there would be a sign in the placenta. The placenta was still attached so we knew that, that was not the cause. This is a common cause, especially when you are Pre-eclamptic or a prior history of Pre-eclampsia.
When I finally delivered the placenta April was there with us, and with my last ray of hope, I asked her did she see anything. You could see the look in her eyes, she knew that I wanted a reason. But she said there was no signs of anything being wrong. She reassured me again that this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
The blame game is a very easy one to get caught up it, especially for me. I am an over-thinker. I over analyze and get myself worked up over nothing. But in this situation it was different. During the time of us being in the hospital, one of the conversations I had with my mom and Chase was that we wanted to know why. They both kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but to go over the past few days with a magnifying glass over-analyzing every little thing. Did I pick Aiden up, our very big - 30 pound 1 year old, and hurt her? Did wearing Aiden in the Ergo on Thursday night cause me to cut off her oxygen? Did I take something I wasn't supposed to take? It may seem crazy to some, but I literally went through every detail. Had I missed something that I did? I told them both that we wanted and planned on having a big family, how can I have a big family or have any peace about having more kids, if I don't know what caused this.
When Dr. Logan came in, on her day off I might add, she reassured me that there was nothing I did once again, and promised that she would do everything she could to see if we could find a cause. And she did...
Dr. Logan told us that we could come in for our postpartum check up when we were ready. As long as I felt fine, and their were no obvious complications, it was ok to wait. We waited about a week and a half, before we called to set up the appointment. I didn't think it would get to me like it did, until we were called back. Amy took my vitals like always, but this time, with tears streaming down my face. When we went back to the room to wait for Dr. Logan, I composed myself and was ok. Originally we were going to let Aiden stay with my sister, but I decided that morning that I wanted him to go with us. I knew that he would be a "distraction" for me. If he was there I could worry about him, and not have to think about everything else. I'm so glad we took him! I probably would have been 100x worse, if he hadn't been there. Dr. Logan came in and talked with us for a few minutes, and told us that she was pretty aggravated. The postpartum nurses forgot to do the blood work she ordered before discharging us from the hospital. So, none of the lab results were in. She had explained to us in the hospital, that in some cases like mine, they have found that there is a gene mutation that can case things like pre-eclampsia, miscarriages, and stillborns. Since, they didn't do the lab work then, she gave us the option to do it now or at our 6 week appointment. She explained that it would be 10-12 vials of blood, so it could take a while. But, we wanted to know if this was our answer, we wanted to explore every possible cause. So, we decided that we wanted to go ahead and do it now, especially with the chance that we could be moving in a few weeks.
Thankfully, the lab nurse was able to hit my vein on the first try, and I was actually bleeding. I have TERRIBLE veins. It has always been a struggle getting blood or IVs. My veins are small, very deep, and don't like to bleed. So, this was a big accomplishment. ;-) About 10 minutes and 11 vials later, we were done.
Aiden was getting restless, so Chase took him to the car while I finished up, and checked out. I was doing fine until I got to the check out counter. I asked her could I go ahead and set up my 6 week appointment now. She asked why I needed to come back at 6 weeks, and then asked did I have a miscarriage. My heart dropped. All I could say was, a stillborn. She just told me to call back to schedule when they call for my test results, so I left, of course with tears in my eyes. It was the first time I had actually said the words, and it took everything I could not to loose it right there. I held it together, and didn't breakdown like I thought I would, but the sting was still there. It was hard walking in knowing that I should still be pregnant, this was the week I was supposed to be doing my glucose test, but instead I'm there for a postpartum check-up. Even though it didn't seem like it, I was proud of myself for holding it some-what together. However, when I got in the car, it was a different story...
Dr. Logan called me a week later and told me the words we needed to hear, but didn't want. I have a gene mutation that puts me at a higher risk for blood clotting, especially during pregnancy. She explained that this can cause pre-eclampsia (like Aiden's pregnancy), miscarriages, and stillborns. Usually, this doesn't affect a pregnancy until later in the first or second trimester of pregnancy.
I still didn't know what it was and what all it meant until a few days ago, August 16th: Our 6 week check-up. I have Serpine 1/PAI 1 (Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor) 4G/4G. This gene inhibits fibrinolysis - the process that prevents, and aids in the break down blood clots.
Dr. Logan explained it to us, and told us the steps in preventing something from happening in future pregnancies. Of course, I went home and did more research on it, because that's what I do. I wanted to better understand what it is, and know as much as I can about it. Basically, because I have this gene mutation I'm at a higher risk for blood clots all the time, but during pregnancy that risk steadily increases. At week 20 the chances of blood clots is double that of a "normal" woman, and those chances are tripled at full term. If a blood clot occurs during pregnancy, it cuts off the babies oxygen and nutrients, resulting in a miscarriage or stillborn.
So, what does this mean for our future and the future of our family? I have to take a baby aspirin a day for forever basically, which makes me feel like I'm officially getting old. And, when we are ready for it, I will have to give myself a blood thinner shot daily once we get a positive pregnancy test. Doesn't that sound like fun?!
While finding all of this out gives us closure and some peace, it didn't make me feel better, like I hoped it would. Before we found out that this was "it", I just assumed that finding out would take away some of the pain. That it would help me cope, with what happened, and stop playing the blame game. We have our reason as to "why" medically this happened, but we still don't know "why" it happened to us. I don't know "why" I have to deal with all of these issues with my body. Why do I have to deal with endometriosis, when I'm not pregnant, and now the worry of blood clots?
It is so easy when you are hurting and vulnerable to just get down in the pits. To feel like it's one thing after another. While we got the answer that we hoped, a reason, it just didn't make things better. I'm still learning to cope with all of this, and understand that God is sovereign. He knows what's going on. He sees my pain, my worry, and my fears. He is holding us up, whether we see him or not.
I still have moments of guilt, because it's still my body. While I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent this, it doesn't take the hurt away. My body is supposed to be a safe and secure place for a child to grow and develop. In this case, it was the opposite. {Not so} Ironically, my devotion the day we found out that this was indeed the cause happened to be on guilt. I have felt so guilty in this process. Even though, I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent what was going to happen, it doesn't change the guilt. I keep asking myself, "What if I would have known that I have this mutation before her heart stopped beating?" Then I think to myself, that I could have stopped it. But, that's not the way things were meant to happen. If you believe in the sovereignty of God, then you have to believe that He is sovereign all of the time. He has a purpose, a reason, a will for everything that happens.
Through all of this, my mind keeps replaying the story of Job. If you are like me, and were raised in church, you have probably studied Job about 500 times.... Again, {not so} ironically, I did a blog on Job a while ago. Job went through so much, but still praised God. His faith never wavered. Before Job went through all of the devastation he endured, he was already known by God. God knew what was going on, even before Job. He saw it all before it happened, but God also knew what the future held. If Job was faithful, the other side was more than he could have ever imagined it to be.
In another book I am reading, Mending Tomorrow, the author talks about how life is all about responses to the questions that are thrown at us. We can either choose to respond in a positive way and move forward, or the opposite. There is no doubt that life is going to throw us questions, our question was "how will they respond to death." While your question may be a different, we should all strive for the same response... To turn to Christ and choose to trust Him. James is very clear on how we are supposed view trials, with great joy (James 1:2-3). In the beginning, this seems like an impossible task, but if you are truly leaning on God, He will begin to work on your heart. The author explained, that turning negatives into positive responses, doesn't mean that we are turning negative situation into a positive one, it just means that we are choosing to respond in a way that creates a positive result. We can choose to fall into the pit or we can choose to trust God. One of the hardest parts for me has been letting go and trusting God. There are moments where it has been easy, and other times that I feel like I can't let go. In these moments, I have to choose which response I'm going to make.
There is nothing that happens to us that catches God by surprise. He sees beyond where you and I are today, and will help us move forward. This give me so much hope and peace for our future. I am clinging to Him and His promises, and so far He hasn't let me down. He has gone above and beyond. In the past month, we have experienced so much yet God has been faithful every single step of the way.
Olivia Grace has changed us in so many ways, and we like to think she has been helping God show up big time in our lives. ;-) I can't even begin to list all the things that we have always hoped for, but never imagined would happen, that have. He truly is the God of miracles.
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